Do we return home to Texas?

No, do not move. Dementia slowly robs our LOs of their ability to reason, think logically or act conscienciously regarding others. My 92-yr old mother wants to buy a new car yet she hardly drives, doesn't have the money and won't be able to navigate all the new technology in even the most basic vehicle. Yet she's very insistent. As her PoA do I let her buy it just because she pines for it? Nope.

The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both parties. You uprooting your life to relocate in TX is most likely not going to satisfy her once she gets there, because the desire is based on some romanticized notion about her hometown that doesn't exist anymore. Caregiving is very challenging and you need all the security and support you can get, and this means staying put so that you are surrounded by family, neighbors, friends, church, etc. The sad fact is that eventually your mom may not even remember that she ever lived in TX, it she could lose this memory sooner than later. Moving won't be beneficial or therapeutic for her and but it will be very unhelpful to you. Please do not feel guilty over this. Caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint so you must pick your battles and reserve your energies for the long haul. Please read other posts on this forum by loving adult children who are burning out trying to "please" or accommodate their LOs' dementia-drive desires. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart that it is ok to make yourself a priority so you can do right by your mom in the long term.

Who is the rest of your family? Their feelings count, too...A LOT.

Do you like where you are living now? Do YOU want to move to Texas? If you like where you are living now and don't want to move to Texas, then do not do it.

Change is not good for folks with dementia. Your mother's brain is broken and she is feeling yearning for when she was young and healthy.

What if you get to Texas and she says she wants to go back to the last place she lived?

I think it is unwise to plan your life around the sometimes fleeting desires of dementia patients, especially since you can't know if she will acclimate.

For the reasons you gave, absolutely not, do not move to Texas.

You moved over 35 years ago! You checked with your job about moving?
If you are seriously considering a move, and it was your idea and the family's idea, then consider it.

However, I would maybe get a little concerned if you took your Mom's wishes about Texas even a reason to make inquiries at your job, unless you have a strong desire also. There would be nothing there familiar to console her 'missing Texas'.

Still, Texas can be very nice. Moving can be an exciting change.
If you are no longer considering it, please notify your boss so they don't consider replacing you and sending you off to Texas.

Is Texas HOME?

Texas is not a place, it was a time in her past. Maybe the best years of her life, but going back would just put her in another unfamiliar place. She wouldn't be able to relate to any of it. The move might be something exciting and new for you, but only cause confusion and angst for your mom. Don't live your life satisfying your mom's wishes.

So, one more thing I want to flash a warning light about is co- mingling your money, since you said you might buy a house.

Before making any serious moves, I would investigate whether Medicaid in either state will pay for Assisted Living or memory care.

If you co-mingle funds and buy a home together, don't do so without consulting an eldercare attorney about the ramifications. NOT a real estate attorney, an eldercare attorney who is knowledgable about Medicaid.

Hey there. From my experience with my own mother, she is constantly wanting to go "home" no matter where she is. I think the truth is, she just wants to go back to a place where she can function and where the world does not seem so confusing. In her mind, that is home. With dementia, she will sadly never find home again in this life...that place does not exist anymore, anywhere. I believe your mother is "homesick" for days with more clarity. Moving to Texas will not change that and the stress of moving might actually cause her dementia to worsen. My mom is older than yours and further along in her journey with the dementia. There is so much you will be dealing with as the disease progresses you cannot allow it to lead the direction of your life. So, my advice: don't move unless it's the right thing for yourself and even then, be prepared for your mother's continued yearning for home.

I would not return to Texas to live. Chances are your mother will get more confused and unhappy with the change . My mom occasionally wants to :go home". We visited her childhood home quite a few times in the past and it seemed she was content with driving down her street, reminiscing about the good old days .Your mom is in a different stage of her life and she needs to be in a familiar place. Her dementia could get worse with the change in my opinion. The best to both you and your mother.

No place I lived 35 years ago bears any resemblance today to the place I lived then. Your mother wouldn't recognize it in a million years. As others have said, she's homesick for a time and an era, not the actual place.

Absolutely do not uproot your family for your mother's sake unless you want to do it anyway. If you have pictures around from that time, pull those out and look at them with your mom. That's what she's looking for, not the Texas of today.

When you were 15 your mom did not give you a choice in the move to Arizona. Now that your mother is 84 with dementia she does not get a say in where she lives. You are now the parent and she is the child.

The Texas remembered from 35 years ago will not be the same Texas. Relocating a younger person after 35 years in one place is high stress. Moving an 83 year old with cognitive issues will triple the stress. If she continues to be wistful about Texas… decorate her bedroom with Texas decorum… pictures of Bluebonnets, Texas landscapes, etc… all are available online. I know many might scoff at this idea, but it might meet some level of a need for your mom.

Most comments have already addressed the fact that the Texas of your mom's memories is likely not going to be the Texas she'd see today!

From my response to sp19690:

With dementia (sometimes even without), there is often that wistful desire to return "home" to a simpler time in life. The bigger problems, as others noted, is that idyllic place longed for is likely unrecognizable after 35 years and even if it was unchanged, the memories might not match the reality.

My mother hounded YB every time he visited her in MC to bring her back to her condo. He would try to reason with her (never listened to me, I was just a know-it-all!) which would just go round in circles. Nine months after moving to MC, she asked me if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Her mother had been gone 40+ years prior! I bluffed my way around it and said maybe tomorrow, knowing she'd forget about it in a few minutes. Right away, she asked if I had a key to the home we lived in prior. That had been sold 25+ years before this happened. So, she clearly had a "step back" in time/memory and was living life at least 40 years ago. I haven't seen the place in a long time, but not too many years after they sold it, I happened to pass by it and she would NOT recognize the place because of changes they made.

In addition, she also tagged her mother with that house. Granted, she did stay with us a few months at a time (mom's sisters would do the same), but she didn't truly live with us. Now her memories were a bit "warped."

So, that place of 35 years ago is a memory of a place/time that may not exist anymore. About the most I might do is take a vacation there and see for myself, but that's probably not a good idea. If you know anyone who lives in that area, maybe they could take some pictures and send them to you so you can see for yourself what it looks like now. We all, not just the older people or those with dementia, have an idealized "memory" of those places we've lived in or been to in the past.

You also realize that where you are now, you have "roots", friends, family, familiar places, etc. Uprooting, you would lose all that. Plus, as others noted, moves are hard on everyone, but especially harder on those with dementia. Familiar places and routines are important at this time, so it's best to wait on that move. If you and sister entertain thoughts of moving back later, it might be best to take a trip there, to be sure it's really what you would want. Your memories might not mesh with the reality either!

As dementia progresses they pull out more memories from the past - it may not be so much Texas - as her memory of Texas and what it evokes. Memories of her past life with now gone friends and family. I imagine if you did move back to Texas - she would be disappointed to find that the memories won't match the reality - she's dealing with a memory - not reality.

I would not uproot the family - especially if you are happy where you are. And uprooting mom could do more harm than good. With dementia routine is best. When mom tells you she's homesick, ask what she is homesick for and see if she can't tell you stories of what she remembers - maybe share what you remember. Try and divert her to another subject.

Your mother is no longer able to make rational decisions and as her caregiver it is up to you to make those rational decisions with her best interest in mind. Your job is to keep her safe.

As her dementia devolves, she will be moving more permanently into her alternate universe that her broken brain creates and will rarely have a relationship to "our universe." Sometimes you will need to visit her reality to calm her agitation.

Make sure you also take good care of yourself. Make sure you get some "me" time - even if you have to hire caregivers (that mom pays for) to come in a relieve you a few hours a week. And go in search of humor - you will need that - a good laugh can lighten the burdens off your shoulders for a few minutes.

Best wishes.

I would not move to Texas or anywhere else just because that is her wish to do so. Only move there if you want to move for your family.

How can you be sure if she would be content there? You can’t. Then what? I realize that you want her to be satisfied but there aren’t any guarantees and you deserve to be happy too.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Please do not move unless this is what YOU want to do. She is homesick for an earlier time period that was in "Texas", the Texas of her youth. I would suggest a family vacation would be a better option and take lots of pictures for her. You and your family probably have family, friends, maybe a community of faith... all people who care and support your family. If would be a shame to toss that aside on a whim.

In short, your mother wants to go back to a place in time that no longer exists. You will read quite often here on the board about demented elders who are living in their home of 50 years or more who are begging to "go home" every day. That's the nature of dementia, sadly, and nothing you do will change that fact.

Lastly, have you ever gone back to visit an old neighborhood or house you lived in long ago? I have. It's always terribly startling how much of a DUMP the place looks like compared to the picture of it I'd had in my mind. I was thinking Mansion and it turned out to be a Trailer.

If you insist on making a move back to Texas based on your mother's fantasy of what once was, do this before you move: get her on a plane out to the old neighborhood so she can see it for herself. Then judge her reaction and go from there. If it were me, I wouldn't even take it that far, I'd just stay put right where you are. A move is extremely disorienting for an elder with dementia and you can wind up stirring up a big hornets nest in an effort to make her happy!