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We are wanting just the 4 of us at the table, not caregiver as it is family time. We offered her off from 2-9 pm to go back to city and be with friends. She was hurt saying they all had plans. We have concerns with her anyway which we spoke with her about last night. The main one is her flirtatious behavior with my husband. My mother, her charge, wad the first one to notice it and she is bothered by it. My husband who is pretty naive to this does see it. The worst part is whenever I walk into the room she abruptly goes into another room like she feels guilty. I feel disrespected in my home. My husband mentioned this to her and naturally she denied that. She said she isnt "as close" to me because I am direct. My personality is direct and. not easy-going like my husbands. Most people would appreciate a direct personality as they know where they stand. I have always been nice to her. She takes offense when I tell her to do something differently with my mother. I've told her, as has my husband, we are following the doctors orders or rehabs instructions. The list goes on. My mother is 85, I am 56, my husband 52 and the caregiver is 40. She dresses in tight yoga pants, off the shoulder sweaters and leg warmers. My husband is very good looking. I trust my husband with all of this. Oh, and last night she told me that "any young woman who came into your home would flirt with your husband because he is a very good looking man".

Ufortunately she is the best we have had-we have had liars, people stealing, one getting naked in the shower with my mother, none previously who would cook (everything was fried in gallons of olive oil), one that said, when looking at our dogs she ATE dogs.

So obviously there are a lot of issues here but what I want to know now is it rude to just want the family at the Thanksgiving table?

Sorry for the soap opera but I wanted to supply a background.

Thank you for any suggestions.

Susan

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Are you kidding me? WHY would you put in huge amounts of effort and frustration to make this work, when it obviously won't work? Fire her immediately!! There ARE other, good people out there. When I was caregiving for my Mom, we found that churches/clergy/religious nuns were very good sources of introductions to good and responsible people.
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I have a few comments that I would like to make. First of all, never be so "blunt" as to come off as overbearing, authoritarian, or rude. Be absolutely professional at all times but be kind in the way you speak. You can certainly state rules, etc. but do it in a way that promotes the desire to cooperate and do what is ask. You get many more flies with honey than vinegar. I personally have no respect for anyone - no matter who or the situation - who is blunt, aggressive and does not speak "gently". I admire those who treat others as they would wish to be treated regardless of their station in life. The others are "dead" to me and I want nothing to do with them.

Second of all, kindness and compassion are key components of being a decent "human" being. If this caretaker has no one to invite her to a dinner on a holiday, why not open your heart and home to her? It will make her feel good and you might be surprised to find out it makes you feel good too. I have no family anywhere and it is awful to have no place to go. Years ago, when just my mother was left living, I scoured the neighborhood to find a few people who had no family and no place to go on the holidays and brought them home for a meal. To this day, I recall the joy I felt in "giving" of myself to those others less fortunate. Perhaps after the meal, you could "excuse" her on the basis you wished to discuss family matters. That would work. Be kind - you won't be sorry.
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Asked and answered 2015 Thanksgiving.
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I admit that companions can come to be part of a family but not always. Here where I live its hard to find someone you can trust and will do the job. I have a friend who needed to hire aides 24/7. When interviewed they were told what shift and if they were needed for weekends. Once hired, they came back saying they couldn't work weekends. When ur paying someone to do a job, u need to make it plain up front what you want and need. To get the right person, you can make changes. Closeness doesn't come until the person has been in your employ for a period of time. When all is said and done, its still an employer/employee thing.
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I've noticed that nursing students (who are interested in going into geriatrics) make the best aides. Try calling the employment office of a nursing program. You would probably have better luck there.
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Very wise, GardenArtist. Also, very good point on the subject matter. Best to leave this one alone.
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Rainmom, that's an astute observation. I reread some of the OP's earlier posts and did see a difference, especially in one critical aspect (which I won't mention because then whoever is posting could change the posting style to imitate the OP).

But wouldn't the caregiver slant the posts toward herself, making her appear stronger and more positive?

At any rate, I think enough attention has been given to this issue. The original OP is the one to make changes; we've said what we had to say and can't do much more.
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Don't believe the these posts are authored by the person who first posted. Go back and read her others - good English, no jumbled sentences etc. perhaps this is the naughty caregiver?
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There is still a lot of tone here which sounds like treating companions as servants or perhaps even 'slaves' in some respect, and that's never going to work out well all around. I hope you can find a person you won't think of that way.
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This woman is an employee. I agree there can be compromises but in the end they are thee boss. This has become a weird situation. She didn't go home for the holidays even though she was getting paid. Now thinking she can have a baby and expect this couple to allow her to raise it in their home.
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I was a special needs teacher for 35 years, and discovered that my teacher's aides had things I did that they wished I would not do just as I needed changes from them. I realized we needed to value each other and have a strong relationship. I am just guessing, but this sounds like a very lonely lady.Can you find a few issues you can both become close over , and then gently mention things that bother you on an infrequent basis. Perhaps you can make it through Thanksgiving after that. Your husband needs to help this situation by treating your caregiver with being distant and polite. After that, I think you need to decide what is best for your family and follow some of the excellent suggestions I have read.
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Shesmom, Sheeesh! Thanksgiving cannot arrive soon enuff for you? Try serving "the ham" for Easter, all plated up. Or is it called a PIG. Skewered, dig a hole in the ground, have a deep pit bar-be-que, roast pig.
Otherwise, refer yourselves to an attorney and dna testing doctor, for this 'if pigs could fly' fantasy series, made for T.V., just can't wait for the 'Coming soon' part.

Seriously, did you want to lose your husband?

Hope you will be okay, cannot understand why you did not choose to take anyone's earlier advice. Let us know, if you will.
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Yes. Thank you.
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I agree, time to let her go. Her situation is so weird.
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We need live in. Plus live in is less expensive than hourly. Oftentimes we are not home until quite late. We have chaotic schedules and we want hers to be more calm and "normal".

The latest isshe wants a baby, told my mother she plans to raise it at my home" because it's a nice family to raise a child in ". She overheard my mother telling me and my husband her plan and we laughed telling my mom not to worry that no way would she raise a child in our home. Plus hire would she divide her care between a newborn and my mother? The next day she told my mother the test was negative, she wasn't pregnant. I thought she still was. That was a month ago and we found out yesterday from the agency she is and they couldn't believe she didn't tell us yet. She has a sometime boyfriend that she does not like and just wanted a baby (and child support).

That's the latest. And she still flirts with my husband and runs to the door to greet him like a wife might when I'm working late. He's annoyed and has told her to knock it off but she didn't.
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Hope u can get someone who won't live in. So weird she had no one to spend Christmas with. Yes, keep in touch.
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Well we are actually in the process of getting rid of her, finding someone else is very hard. We have a large dog that the cargivers of various nationalities are terrified of, we need someone who drives, and someone who was not going to sit there all day and it or spend four hours a day for the various masks on their face to get take care of their skin and also one who speaks some English that we can understand and communicate so much. That seems to be very hard as none of the people accept to that we have met and used in the past and driven. My mom is not capable even with the caregiver of taking the township buses to get to appointments. There's been so many things that have happened over the course of the past few months that I'm looking forward to updating everyone who is responding now and in the past. I will try to do that soon. Also we did have a description of what the job was and also what it wasn't and this person basically did everything that it wasn't. I think you for your response and again I will try to update anyone who still interested in reading this thread as soon as I can. Thank you.
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Firdt of all, I would get rid of her immediately. Second, write up a job description for the next one.
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Shesmom, don't you think its weird that she doesn't want to spend her holiday with family? If she was still in the house it would make it odd situation even if not joining in.
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Uniform, code of conduct - all needed to be in place before she started. It will be more difficult now. And that code of conduct? Its for all of you not just her . There must be, as others have said, a chain of command. One or other but never both - it will take anyone seconds to establish that they can play one off against the other.

She needs to be given a set of tasks and a routine that must be adhered to. If your husband has noticed her flirting he should speak up. Something like....that's not appropriate behaviour towards me, I don't like it and I don't like having to speak with you about it so...... no more of this immature nonsense. It has to come from him
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I think the first part of my post got lost. Will try to write again soon.
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She does not want to be with the family because "thats family time, but thank you". She is naturally welcome to food. I think she just wants some time alone but here. If she changes her mind thats fine I guess.
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Shesmom, just want to know how your handling Christmas?
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Gramma, I am in long island and would love to receive your recommendations.
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Going back to the first page, I suggest "It needs to be done this way", rather than "I need" or "I want you to do it this way".

I think it could take the element of personal rebellion out of the immediate interaction.
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Shesmom, update? Have u discussed Christmas yet?
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Do we need to have a caregiver at thanksgiving table?
No longer, but how about for Christmas? Valentine's day? Easter? Or even next thanksgiving?
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Oh thank you, no we are in the midwest. Thank you for the blessing, to you as well☺
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Where do you live? Maybe someone would have some recommendations for you.
If you're from Long Island, New York, let me know. Maybe I can help you.

Good Luck and God Bless . . .
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Oh sendmehelp I missed your posts 3 days ago! Just saw them and laughed out loud! Thanks, I needed that. Hugs to you!!
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