Do we always have to be obligated and forced to take on the responsibilities of our parents?

Blair - I think you may be very immature based on statements of blaming everyone for your situation. You are in a one sided relationship where you seem to be the only one unhappy with the situation. If he really wanted to get married this year, you would be getting married. You might not get the big wedding you always dreamed of, but if your goal is just to marry a visit to the JP could be done or a more scaled back event. You want one thing and he chooses his family. She didn't pass everything to her son, he accepted her as a responsibility.

As I posted before, if you plan to remain in this relationship, get your earnings into an account in your own name. Bfriend has his own account. If you wish to donate to their family causes and crisis, then you donate what you can afford. If he spends all of his on his family, that's on him and he'll have to do without things he wants. I wouldn't let any one go hungry, but I wouldn't pay for food just so they could free up their own money for other things either. I wouldn't hand them cash for food either - buy the bag of groceries yourself and deliver it.

You're giving him way too much credit as being the 'poor son being taken advantage of'. It's their way of life. You're either going to be in or out of this mess. Make a decision. You've been together for 5 years. Don't blame mom. Blame him.

If he wants to help her - then sit down and figure out all of her income and all of her bills. Pay the bills, put a little aside for emergencies, the rest is hers to spend if that's what she wants to do. I have a feeling if you did this, things wouldn't be much better with him as the money manager based on your comments. He began using what you earn as well to pay for things that are not owed by either of you. That's gonna be your life.

There are way too many programs to assist with medical bills, if they are truly necessary. You let her check in to the hospital and sign the agreement forms. She owes the money. Not him. Not you.

The ball is in your court. Accept responsibility for being sucked in to people who will take money from anyone they can. Live like this or move on. I think you should want for more, but it isn't going to happen in this family dynamic

I have asked my parents to make plans for the next stage of their life and told them they cannot live with me. They have resources and no diagnosed dementia. They have refused and said they prefer to wait for the disaster which means dump it in my lap. They have not shared specific information on finances and legal info. I have health issues and have enough of a hard time taking care of myself. They have never helped with my health issues. They also did very little to help my sisters when my sisters were alive. So no I don’t think I have a responsibility to help them. I will do what I can but will not sacrifice my health as they had the opportunity to make plans. My mother is needy and demanding and I am sure it will be a miserable experience for all which I see no way to avoid.

Another article on caregiving a difficult Mil:

"Dealing with an Elderly Parent's Bad Behavior" - AgingCare.com

Be sure to save some future time to be caregiver to your own parents.

It's my belief that a child is responsible for making sure their older parents are safe, have food, and a roof over their heads. That said, it is not the responsibility of the child to pay for all those things if they aren't within their means. The adult child's job is to help their parent find resources to help them.

I agree with the others that you're wasting your time in this relationship. Starting a marriage is hard enough (and it is hard), but frankly, starting with this kind of stuff going on, I doubt this marriage will be a long-term thing. Marriage is a lot more than a pretty dress and a big party. If you actually believe in your vows, your boyfriend's mother is part of the package and you'll be agreeing to take her on with him.

You have a fiance problem, not a MIL problem. She can expect her son to provide the moon and the stars but that doesn't mean he has to. He is an adult. He should be man enough not to be guilted into doing things he doesn't want to. Not his problem mom did not plan for the future. Stop giving her money. Stop listening to her tales of woe. It is time she learned to stand on her own two feet. What would she do if her son was no longer around? I'd give him three more months to extract himself from this situation....if not you need to leave.

Your fiancé’s mother can say whatever she wants, put whatever expectations she pleases upon her son, that’s her choice. However, he’s a fully grown adult, free to make his own choices and decisions with what to do with his time, money, and emotional investments. So far, he’s choosing her.

Continuing as if this dilemma cannot be solved will end you up as angry and unsettled, not a happy camper.

I suggest, going forward, that you read, study, and implement some caregiving techniques that will assist you along in your days.

Here is only one AgingCare article that could be of help for you:
"Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries With Difficult Elderly Parents"
Carol Bradley Bursack Minding Our Elders  
 Updated May 8, 2020

Enter it into the search icon above. There is quite a wealth of information on here so you can help yourself. 🧸️

Blair, YOUR PARTNER’S GUILT is what he is choosing to impose upon HIMSELF, and his to deal with.

If he is willing to continue in the life style in which he is living at present, you will be assuming the role of “second wife”, and at some point you will become the enemy.

Tough to hear, I know, but the fact.

Keep in mind that his mother will be the grandmother of your children. If she is already controlling, selfish, and very manipulative, is this someone you want around your babies, or to babysit them?

Influence them against you? Who knows what she is capable of?

No parent is EVER entitled to make such a statement to a child. I had the luxury of being able to take care of several relatives because I LOVED THEM, and wanted them to have the best, safest care I could get for them.

Evoking the voice of a deceased spouse doesn’t make this right, it makes it worse.

We have already told our children that we expect them NOT to take care of us, because they have wonderful families of their own. DH and I have the tools to take care of ourselves, and eventually be cared for without imposing that burden on our children.

Blair,
I understand that after 5 years of togetherness, you may not want to leave.

You could get married in a civil ceremony and save so much money.
That would be a great sacrifice on your part, but may take some pressure off of your fiancee.

Perhaps you need to get a "pre-nuptial" agreement from an attorney, so that you can protect your future and separate income and savings from being used for his mother's support?

Do not be surprised when she informs you that now you are "family", you need to be her full-time caregiver, including changing her diapers into older age.

All Societies develop their own cultural expectations. Generally, in Western Societies it is expected that the man and woman leave their parental homes to make a home together for their own children ongoing. You future MIL (?) may not be from a Western Society? If she is, her expectations are somewhat out of the norms of Western Civilization.
Again, the problem here is not the parents, but the man you are planning to marry. He seems to have an inability to put boundaries needed into place. If he doesn't do this BEFORE marriage it is a certainty that he will not do it after.
As to whether the mother is "right"?
There really is not much either "right" or "wrong" in these things. Often they are cultural norms. They are expectations formed of many years of familial expectation. Often first generations and second generation immigrants have a lot of inner trauma dealing the the cultural norms of their former society as compared to their current society. It is often a torture.
There is no right or wrong in the Mother's expectations of her son. There is no right or wrong in the son's acceptance or non-acceptance of her expectations. And there is no right or wrong of what you do going forward, that is to say whether you stay and accept that his mother will come first for your husband so long as she lives or YOU will come first.
It is a choice. And the choice is all yours for your own life.

Answers are the same as before, Blair. I don’t think you’re surprised by that, are you?

Go to marriage and family counseling with or without your partner.

Say your piece but really listen. There is a reason why they have the title they have. Respect that they are a professional therapist.

Ask your partner to speak to the hospital social worker and say that he is out of the picture. Let them direct her. If he is not willing to do that, then he made his choice and it isn’t you.

Follow up if you want to make sure his mom is receiving the proper advice towards achieving independence.

Start focusing on your life, your future. If your fiancé chooses her you will survive. Lick your wounds if you must. Grieve for him. Then pick up the pieces and carry on. You are worth it.

Close all doors. Block phone numbers. It’s your life. People only enter through a door if you open it. They only call you if your number isn’t blocked.

Blair, while we should respect our parents, we need to have our own life. We aren't meant to be servants to our parents. What she is doing is putting a guilt trip on him. I have felt it too in my life. We need to strengthen ourselves.

When you speak to your fiance, tell him he doesn't have to feel obligated. He has a right to have his own life. He should gather the courage and speak to his mother on this.
An idea I'm thinking of for myself, that he can try too is to say, I got a job somewhere and need to move.

Of course, she won't be happy and will be sick, to make him stay. But she can get someone else to help her, maybe through medicaid.

Its up to him to move forward. He needs to make that choice, whether to stay with mom, or move on with his own life, with you.

Wish you all the best

Are you outside the U.S.? If you're inside the U.S. are you within a culture that historically has demanded younger generations care for older family?

I'm asking b/c in the U.S. we have safeguards to enable, older generations to receive professional care,if/when needed.

As you're already understanding, things will get worse after that legal marriage contract is signed. Since you're already experiencing stress, it might be time to reconsider, (back-out-of) that situation, if you stay you'll be subjected to an outdated, servitude for life.

Based on your post, as you've mentioned, you're in a manipulative situation. Unfortunately, manipulative people hide their true colors, until they get what they want ... which means likely, you've encountered other red flags during the ongoing 5+ years
_____________________________________________________________
Only you can decide to vacate, especially if he did the following:
*did he begin the relationship by telling you about crazy ex-girlfriends, or how he has been the victim of previous employers, girlfriends, etc?
*Did he accelerate how fast things moved?
*Did he claim you're soulmates"
*Is he coincidentally, a perfect match for your beloved interests?

You are 25 years old? Please don’t waste any more time in your life feeling like this! You should be having fun, and people should be supportive of your marriage and wedding plans. This should be one of the best times of your life. If you were my daughter I know I would ask her to rethink the situation. Do you want to dread every holiday or family event?

Sure I agree with you. But it doesn't make a difference who agrees with you because you don't need justification to feel annoyed with what's going on. It's your fiance's responsibility to decide how he wants to live HIS life, however. As an indentured servant to his mother, or, as a husband to YOU. He can't have both.

Whether his mother 'wants to let him go' or not isn't the issue; the issue is, does HE want to let go of HER?

Five years is a long time to be a girlfriend or even a fiancee. If you do marry this man (in your last post I called him your 'husband' b/c I thought you were already married, my mistake), you will have a controlling, manipulative, and selfish mother in law to deal with for LIFE. How will HE choose to deal with her moving forward is the really big question here.

I married a man in 1980 who's mother hated me. The problem wasn't that she hated me, but that HE allowed her crappy behavior towards me. That made me lose respect for HIM and sort of set the marriage up for failure. I was young then, I'm old now...........so hindsight is always 20:20. But I will tell you this: I would never (again marry such a man) and should never have married him knowing that he was unwilling to stand UP for me and tell his mother to stand DOWN. Divorce was the eventual outcome of that doomed relationship.

That's my two cents. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Are you all originally from someplace other than the US? In many countries, children are responsible for maintaining their parents in their old age, because otherwise, they would be without support.

With the passage of the Social Security Act (1932) and Medicare (1965) the US government released children from being their parents' retirement plan. People are told to plan for their OWN retirements and not to rely on their children's salaries for their old age.

Does your friend hold this view, or is he locked into some old world point of view?

In some cultures, daughters in law are seen as being beholden to their in laws for support. You really need to clarify how your friend views his obligation to his mother.

The fact that he can't say "no mom, I can no longer support you" tells me that something is terribly amiss here. It sounds as though she has long standing entrenched mental illness.

This is a cruel sick minded person. A Narcissist. What your BF may be obligated to do is make sure she is cared for. He doesn't need to do the caring.

If he is 28 then she can't be much more than 60. If her health problems are chronic she maybe able to get SS disability if she isn't getting it already. That usually comes with Medicare and Medicaid. So all her hospital bills should be paid. There is more help she is entitled to but your BF needs to want to get the help for her. He can go to Social Services to see what is available to her. He needs to tell her she needs to do this herself. That he wants to live a life of his own. He is not her husband. I personally would not want a man who can't stick up for himself. And I would think first before getting involved with a woman like this. I would help him find resources for her. I would make him aware that I no longer will be waiting by the phone. When he gets it all together, gets his life on trrack and Mom fairly independent, then call you.

Blair, why is it so important that we agree with you? Because that doesn't change the situation, does it?

We read on this forum how people waste many, many years of their lives in caregiving situations that never should have happened. You're already more than 5 years into a relationship that appears to be going nowhere. So, even though you're only 25, don't you think it's time to move on?

You're not going to be able to convince your fiance to do things differently. Have you made any headway so far?

Blair,

The answers are going to be the same here as the last answers to your other question.

I don’t blame you for wanting a new question because there are people who focused on you saying that you wished your fiancé’s mom was dead.

There are people who hang on every single word instead of reading the entire message. Just ignore those. Most of us certainly knew that you didn’t mean that literally.

Of course, passing thoughts aren’t wrong either. Thoughts don’t hurt anyone, only actions. There is even a thread about ‘caregivers behaving badly’ and they have a sense of humor on that posting.

You’re both exhausted! Speak to her hospital social worker. Say you’re finished with supporting her. Let them direct her. Then quietly walk away.

Telling a son that he is now the father of the family is one of the most cruel things a mother can say to her son. They are not the father and should never be expected to be.

When I was a teenager, my friend’s mom told him the same thing. It was awful.

My friend was 13, he walked into his garage and found his dad hanging dead. He freaked out and ran to tell his mom. His mom told him that he was now the man of the house.

My friend told me that he had no idea how to be a man at 13 years old. He felt so badly for his mom that he spent years trying to console her. She placed a heavy burden on his heart! It’s a terrible message to send to a son.

My friend started to recognize that his mom substituted him for his father. He loved his mom but grew to resent her too.

His mom relied on him for emotional support. As soon as he got a job he contributed to the household expenses as well. His mom worked hard. My friend did too but they were always short of money. The dad killed himself due to tons of debt. It was terribly sad for my friend.

When my friend turned 18 he joined the navy. It got him away from his mom. I was glad that he broke free from her. It’s a terrible burden to hear those words from a mom.

So one year ago your fiancé lost his dad to liver cancer and your future mother-in-law (or not!) lost her husband.

I expect it will take them quite a long time to come to terms with this. What do you think your fiancé's responsibilities to his mother should be, meanwhile?

How did you get on with his parents before his dad fell ill?

Last year. Stage IV liver cancer.

Blair,
It would be entirely upon your fiance if he accepted these terms.

I do not think it would be true, that he should be forced to comply with his mother's demands. So, in that respect, I would agree with you.

A caregiver, as is often said on this forum, may be responsible for getting the parent care, not for actually doing the caregiving.
There is no reason he needs to be living with his family at his age.

Do you maybe want to focus on what you could be doing to leave the toxic situation?

When did your fiancé's father die?