Do some people just get angrier and more depressed the older they get?

Aging, giving it is one slow slide down with one loss after another doesn't do much for anyone's mood in my experience.
Physical losses are inexorable until they include our very ability to move; mental losses until our entire competency is gone.
As to whether aging makes things "worse", I guess if you start out as a bit of a depressive you would become more of one. I think I have never seen it happen, however, that a happy person becomes happier still.
Some very few remarkable people age with great grace, fortitude and acceptance; rare as hen's teeth, that, I would say.

Have you talked to your Mom’s doctor about an antidepressant?

If this is different from her younger personality, she probably needs something to help her cope.

it takes about 30 days for these medications to take effect.

There are many angry people in this world. They don’t even have to be old, sick or dying. They do get worse as they age. As we age it becomes harder to tolerate their behavior because it is exhausting to be around them.

Some people were always angry. It’s almost like they were born with a genetic disposition to be angry.

I’ve known people like this and I avoid them like the plague. They will never own anything and always blame others for their misery and they will continue to try to suck people into their trap.

They are energy vampires. They will drain every ounce of energy that you have if you allow it. Some are conscious of their behavior and others are most likely mentally ill and believe their own crap.

I have found that most people who were happy when they were younger remain pleasant and those who are mean were always mean and miserable to be around.

I don’t bother with trying to please them. It’s a complete waste of time. I don’t try to change them. They are who they are. Why should I wreck my head against their brick wall?

It’s extremely liberating to let go of toxic people.

Sounds like you have Burn Out.

Your Mom is probably depressed and in pain and not a happy camper.

Your mom needs to find things to kerp her busy.

She needs a friend.

See if you can get her involved doing puzzles, paint by number, crafts, knitting, reading, listening to music.

Do a weekly outing with your mom and one of her friends and go get a manicure or pedicure, go to a movie, take a ride to the beach, go for a walk, go out to eat, ect.

You need to ask a Church Member or friend or hire a Caregiver for one day or night a week to go visit your mom 4 hrs so you can have some time between your work and your mom, time just for yourself and go out to eat with a friend or go get pampered with a Massage, go out to dinner with a

You need to treat yourself. You have work then home with your mom, makes you not a happy camper.

Your mom only has all day home by herself and wants to vent with noone but you to hear and of course you don't need to hear it when you get home from work, you need to relax in a hot bubbly bath with a soak and a glass of wine to remind.

Mare up some Do Lists that will make both of ya'll get a little happiness in your life.

Just making a list will make both you and your mom feel better and then do them.

Prayers

I might add from a personal experience of suffering chronic pain, having people tell you “cheer up” is NOT helpful!

When asked “how are you?” I would often say something non-commital, like “not too bad” or “still above ground” or “could be worse”.

i wouldn’t lie. But I wouldn’t go into detail unless they really wanted to know. “Do you want an organ recital?”

my mother has been self centered, mean and judgmental my entire life. It has not gotten better with age. At this point I do not expect anything to change which really is a good thing because I don’t waste my time trying. There is a way of talking to someone without really engaging that works for me. However I don’t live with my mother and limit phone calls. Being around that negativity all day everyday must be really hard. You are NOT responsible for someone else’s happiness.

Sounds like you are depressed also. Its hard being a working person and a caregiver at the same time.  If she has chronic pain that is why she is cranky.  I think as we all get older we just get tired of stuff (that we used to put up with) that now we just express our negativity towards, in other words we tired of putting up with crap.  And that's probably how your mother feels.  And being that you are the main caregiver, you will get the brunt of everything.  Is there anyway your mother has funds to pay for a person to come in maybe 2 or 3 times a week for a couple hours (preferably when you are home) so that you can get out and do something for yourself (even if just walking around in a store, a park, or somewhere to just sit and read without anyone bothering you)?  It would be worth it to your health.  Is there something she likes to do, working on crossword puzzles, regular puzzles, word finds, etc.?  How about some special music she likes to listen to?  Anything to maybe help take her mind off her pain and complaints.  Wishing you luck.

Yes some people do get more negative, but not all do.

As they lose their friends, their health, maybe their mind, there is a lot to be sad about.

In some types of dementia They lose the ability to filter what they say.

Chronic pain also makes it tough to be pleasant. Only saints can do this!

As an example, I had a coworker who was always grouchy, till she had a heart attack. She then had a triple bypass, recovered, and became quite pleasant. Probably because she had less pain, less of a struggle to merely function.

Yes, many seniors become less able to control their emotions especially with cognitive decline. The base part of the brain where we store anger and fight responses then has more freedom to express itself. That is why some people who have never used crude language or swear words suddenly begin to use them. The override switch has weakened. Constant pain makes it hard for evrn the strongest of us to trmain positive. For your own mental health can you apply for respite care help with your mom so you can get a break to do things that uplift you? Contact your local senior center or Agency on aging for your county to locate resources. The only other thing you can do is tune her out unless she is in real need and think of all she went through to bare and raise you. Sadly, when she is gone you may find you miss her more than you now think. So care for yourself so you can care for her. None of us want to be crotchety old folks.

the older you get the worse life becomes. I pray I don't get that old that I have to depend on someone to care for me.

I cannot believe some of the responses here!
Doesn't anyone have any compassion any more?
Of course EmotionallyNumb feels exasperated - who wouldn't?
But try to think of how her mother feels and put yourself in her shoes for a moment if you can.
How would YOU cope with being in pain 24/7? It takes over your life. When the meds stop working so well, there's nothing else there but pain.
You try to think about other things, and sometimes you can for a while, but then there it is again: Pain.
It is all-absorbing sometimes, taking a normally upbeat person and pulling them down into a living h*ll.
The worst part is knowing that it will never get better! Arthritis, etc. only get worse over time - there is no cure, no relief.
The next time you are ready to kick someone to the curb over the fact that they are voicing their discomfort, take a step back and realize that it won't be too much longer before you, yourself, may be in the very same situation.
How will you cope?

The situation of living with any relative is challenging. Chronic pain can be a cause of severe depression, especially when medication reaches its limit. Your mother is fighting back at life with the only weapon she has, her voice. Her behaviors you are describing are not normal. Does she have any friendships with adults her age, hobbies or other interests that could entertain her during the day? Her negativity is an expression of frustration, and fear of aging with its physical decline, fear of the present, fear of dying, loneliness, and anything else she can't control. Your frustration is understandable. You may want to speak with her physician regarding an appropriate antidepressant. Then, investigate your area for an available seniors center where she can socialize with her peer group. You must take time during the week for yourself without your mother to exchange with yours. If the situation is not improved, you may need to consider discussing a retirement facility with your mother, (not nursing home), or both of you will remain miserable.

I can understand this.
You are getting older
You hurt sometimes a lot sometimes it is a little and it might be all the time.
Your hands don't work as well
Your knees don't work
Your friends are dead or dying or you have lost contact with them
And you realize that you are dying. Maybe not this week or this month but you are a lot closer to the end than you were yesterday, or the day before that. And it makes you sad. It also makes you reflect on all the things that you should have, could have, would have done had you had the time, the money or just taken a week off work rather than trying to buy the next "new" thing.
Then you are not in your own house. You are no longer "in charge" so you try to do things that make you in charge of something.

Can you help mom get involved with Volunteer work?
Is there an Adult Day Care that is currently open?
Is there a project that she can work on?
A recipe book of family favorites. She can write them down and it can be copied and given as a gift to family members.
Do you have old photos with people you don't know? Can she identify people and locations on the back of them.
Are there boxes in the basement or attic that she can go though and divide into Toss, Donate, Sell and Save piles?
And stop trying to "fix" things for her tell her that she needs to talk to people herself. If she is having problems with purchases, contracts because of memory problems that opens up a Whole 'Nuther can of worms and at that point if you do not have POA it might be time to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and get all the paperwork in order.

Like so many others have said, “preaching to the choir”
Fortunately my mother is only like this part of the time, just when some small situation arises that she doesn’t know how to deal with, sometimes for seemingly no reason at all.

I do what I can, and if that doesn’t help I just tune her out.

My mother doesn’t have the chronic pain though, thank God! Do you think this might be the main issue driving your mom’s constant misery?

Lets all of us here make a pact to NOT be like that as we enter that stage of life. Stay self-aware!

HI emotionally numb. You didn't state whether or not your LO has dementia or not. Some of the things you speak on sounds very familiar. My mother has dementia and her behavior is definitely not what it was. She doesn't want to be told about any of her faults but can tell you all about yours. She's sometimes very mean and insensitive to others feelings and she knows everything. I once attended a caregivers conference and was shocked at how they spoke on everything I was feeling. It was broken down to their brains are turning to mush and they can't have the same behavior as previously even when they want to. The anger and crying was explained as depression that they are losing control over their own lives. It's hard to not take it personal when you are on the receiving end of it. Seek out as much information as possible to help you in this process. Caretaking is a very hard job and know that you are not alone.

I just went through all of this, mom just passed a few weeks ago. I miss her terribly. It hurts so much. It’s not her, it happens to many that are aging.

Hi there, my mom recently had heart surgery and now I’m at her house carrying for her, their dog and her partner. I live 20 minutes away with my 6 animals and spouse. This has been very difficult because I’ve to leave them to take care of my “I call, second family”. After the surgery, mom lost the ability to walk and is now going through PT at home which is a joke. She’s on all kinds a medicines and daily infusion. She’s condescending, snarky, rude to her partner and me. I had a coming to terms with her a few days ago, and that seemed to help for a few days. She’s always been a princess and not very active, I realize this is extremely hard for the entire family. Mom did say she’s afraid. She’s doesn’t want to go to a nursing home. I’ve proposed the idea of independent living or ALF, unfortunately their not onboard. My mom is 81 and her partner is 87. Their house is huge, 2800sqft. Looks like a museum and she doesn’t want to leave her “stuff”. Sad part is, I’ve temporarily left my job 2 months now, and I have to do everything, clean,cook,shop,laundry and administer medication with her horrible demeanor. In all sincerity, she’s my mom and you only get one. Moving forward, we have our good days and not so great, all I can say on my experiences, she afraid, afraid of the own known, death. She probably has some anxiety, depression and worries too about you. Also she’s by herself, not so much my case. You might check to see if the Community Health Centers have daycare centers for the elder or some type of activity she could engage while your gone during the day. Best of luck and hang in there, we only have 1 Mom.

My mom did all the same, and yes it gets worse if you don’t help her make a change! Adding another voice suggesting you find a group living environment for her and apply some pressure, maybe even a bit of a con, to make it happen.
Anxiety meds have helped; neither of us are ‘drug people’ but to me this is the time you do start using them. Would it help if she adopted new hobbies, made a new friend, exercised? Yes. But will she do any of those things? In my case, no. So she wouldn’t help herself so I intervened.
Wishing you the best. 💐

Yes! Just what do these unwell, older, lonely people have to be unhappy about!

I have found that answer to be YES. It is a daunting situation to be in. It seems that with people who are entering Dementia or Alzheimer's disease they are even moreso. Staying positive is one of the things that I have found to be the most challenging. The one thing that you must remember is that their emotional state may not be part of a disease, but a part of being afraid. Remember, their life that they knew and remembers is gradually or quickly slipping before them, they may have regrets of what they should of or wished they had done, their pain levels are now different than they were before, they had abilities that are not as easily executed. While this does not seem like a big problem to those of us with our active lives, we have to remember, their own immortality is now being recognised. If you remember this it will help you to deal with the added stresses and also remember they usually don't remember their words or actions. It is a part of the moment, and don't take it personally.

Yes, Could be Dementia too. Really Ornery especially after Losing their Spouses....

Yes! You are preaching to the choir. The nastiness and negativity is overwhelming. I just thought it was my mom since she has sort of been like that her whole life. Now it’s gotten worse. I’m doing the best I can to hang on but it’s not easy. I don’t live with her but the way she treats her caregivers ( the ones she decides to not like) is appalling. I wish us all luck. Try to stay positive.

Yup. Seems that way....that has been my experience, although I hope that I will always be like my father, versus my mother.

100% YES. Your last paragraph sums up much of my life since I have moved back home to help my mom out after my dad’s death a year ago. Honey you are preaching to the choir!
I just posted an issue regarding my relationship with my mom which at times gets very intense and difficult. My mom complains regularly about EVERYTHING. She judges unfairly based on nonsense and insists the world is out to get her, etc. Mom rarely - if EVER - takes accountability for anything so I try not to be disrespectful, but at times listening to her relentless complaining & bias judgements is more than I can take.
I believe we need to put ourselves first, which is easier said than done, and distance ourselves from a difficult parent/relative as needed. I wish you luck and will pray for both of us so we can enjoy what time we have left on this beautiful planet. Please take care & stay well!

Some people just can’t be pleased. It’s a waste of time to try.

Same boat. I live in the same county as my mom and one of her sisters, and both of them are often so busy playing pity party it's all I can take. In a way I do feel for them - with COVID they can't go anywhere and not many people can come visit, but I get really tired of listening to them go on and on with health problems and trivia (something on TV, what the neighbor lady said on Facebook) with nobody asking what's going on with me - spouse lost his job recently and COVID isn't a cakewalk for us either.

Mom has managed money very poorly and has waited until age 82 and poor health to decide she's probably not going to be able to stay in her house - sure would have been nice if this has anticipated a few years ago although I realize that isn't always possible. The expectation seems to be that I'm going to play a major role in decluttering her semi-hoarded home and help her move to a smaller place closer to me, then be available at her beck and call.... we'll have to see about that.

(Truth is I'm actually really mad about it. Mom got an advanced degree which she only used to work for 10 years, then she retired at 55 and has done volunteer work for the past 20+ years, with apparently no thought at all about saving for retirement. I have a BPD brother for whom she paid bills for a decade after he became an adult - maybe she should call HIM for help?)

The aunt who never seems to think about anyone but herself, very nearly, smoked cigarettes without a care in the world for 40 years. I do care that she now has COPD, asthma and a host of other problems but it's hard to have the world's deepest well of patience when at least some of it could have been prevented. I don't feel like I can say much when there's nothing she can do about it now but privately I'm thinking that often.

It helps to know we're all dealing with this. Hope I'm not this black hole of self absorption when I'm an octagenarian tho I do see how it happens with bad health, limited means of income and nothing much else to think about.

My mother is on enough anti-depressants to make a horse giddy with glee, and she STILL complains and carries on non-stop ALL the time. I often say, there's no pill on earth gonna cure SOME people's attitudes, that's for sure. If I dare say to my mother, in the middle of her tirade of complaining, tell me something GOOD that happened today, she'll say, NOTHING, what good thing could POSSIBLY have happened today? And she means it! Well, let's see: you woke up, that's the first good thing that happened, right? She'd argue that, too, so there's no point in even going there.

Anyway, I hear you. I'm lucky b/c my mother lives in a Memory Care ALF b/c there is NO WAY on EARTH I'd have her and her baggage come live with me. Period. Growing up in her home was more than enough. Way more.

You might want to start looking around at Independent Living places for seniors and get your mother set up in an apartment over there. Then she can join all the others who love to complain non-stop 24/7 about their horrible lots in life. Misery loves company; your mother doesn't have enough company so you're her only scratching post.

Good luck!

Dear "EmotionallyNumb,"

I do think whenever someone doesn't feel good, has a lot of health issues and is in chronic pain that contributes to a person's overall outlook and they often express those things with anger, resentment and a "feel sorry for themselves" kind of attitude. In some ways I can't and don't blame them.

I did notice you said she thinks everyone is out to screw her over and to me that signals maybe some mental health issues that may include some paranoia. I think one of the main things to look at is someone's personality/temperament in general. In other words what was your mom like before all these issues as well as when she was younger. If she was the same but to a lesser degree, than I would say aging and health issues have magnified how she already was. As "Isthisrealyreal" said there are just some people who are only happy when they are miserable and I've heard that many times in my life. I also know there are so many people who suffer insurmountable problems whether they are health-related or not and they have phenomenal attitudes and you're left scratching your head wondering how they can be that way. I can probably sum that one up in one word "gratitude" (take out the letters "g" and "r" and add an extra "t" and you will have attitude).

Some people will work at changing their attitude while others will always remain stuck because it's what they know and sometimes oddly enough they may feel comfortable with that especially if it may get them attention or someone to feel sorry for them. You mentioned you've noticed she tries to be positive but it could be like trying to teach an old dog new tricks - it may not stick.

I do understand how sick and tired it's making you. It's extremely difficult living with someone like that and especially if you yourself are more of a positive, optimistic type. It's very hard to not allow yourself to be dragged down by that type of behavior. Sadly, that can be a goal of theirs. Miserable people don't like happy people - the reverse of what you're feeling. It's a good thing you have a job to go to as that may be your only saving grace!

That would make me insane too. Living with someone like that is hard! If she keeps on with it, you can always tell her: "Mom, you really don't seem happy here. Would you like to look at an assisted living place?". That might get her to change her tune! Or not.

My aunt, age 80, is like this. Been married 55+ years to a nice man and never had to work. Husband made great money and she got to travel, buy whatever expensive things she wanted, big house in an affluent area, tons of jewelry, nice house, nice cars. You'd think she'd be happy with how her life turned out, right?

Nope. To hear her talk, you'd think she was broke and living in a shack. Every health problem is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone on Earth. She's been at death's doorstep for 50+ years. No one is as tired, gets as hungry, and hurts all day like she does. We know not to ask her how she's doing, because she will tell you.

Brings up all kinds of bad things from the past. None of which can be rectified now, since the people she gripes about are dead. If she's not doing that, she's talking about all these people that she is going to get revenge on for whatever reason. There's always someone she wants to sue.

At every family holiday gathering, she hobbles into the house and starts with the "Oh, it was all I could do just to get here" despite living all of 20 minutes drive away, and she wasn't even the one driving!

My mother is so angry, bitter and depressed over the "horrible" life she has had. She has never faced financial insecurity, has had two husbands who loved her and treated her exceptionally well, never had to work, has owned her own lovely home since the day she married my father, has no debt, a healthy retirement income, savings, and two children who just want her to be happy and healthy. Yes, she's lonely and a widow, but her life is far from the living h*ll she thinks it is.