Do some people just get angrier and more depressed the older they get?

OMG its like your a fly on my walls here with me and my mom. You have said all the things that i would say to a tee. Its almost spooky how similar stories sound like my owm. I have no answers just complaints as well I guess I shouldn't feel like The Lone Ranger we're all pretty much in the same room just different cities.

Wow, this sounds like my life. Pretty darn close!

My mom also gets very negative and it drives me nuts. Complains about EVERYTHING. And tells me mean things about people she knows (or used to know?) that I like, etc. Maddening.

I guess their lives become very small and boring and their pain and mental cognition decline just are the cherry on top.

I can understand you wanting to leave at times! I hear you. I want to run away and hide. I spend a lot of time in my room or out of the house so as to avoid these annoying "conversations".

Good luck!

I am a very patient, empathetic person. I've been teaching middle school for 30 years, have spinal damage that leaves me in constant pain, and am raising 3 kids with my husband. I'm super busy and have my challenges. Life is tough for everyone. That does not give anyone the right to be cruel, hateful, belittling, or vicious. Just because my mother is old doesn't give her carte blanche to treat others like their feelings, opinions, and time doesn't matter. OP described my situation exactly except that my mother doesn't live with me....she lives 2 blocks away and my family takes turns/shifts staying with her. I understand someone being miserable. I will not justify someone being venomous.

OP you have gotten some good advice from others who have been there. I pray that you come to terms with the fact that your mother is going to continue to be miserable and mean. She will continue to manipulate you and suck the energy right out of your body and soul if you don't pull back emotionally. Take care of her needs and spend the time with her that you can bear. Then take care of YOUR needs. When my mother is being toxic (which is every. single. day), I tune it out or let her know that I'm a phone call away if she needs me. It has taken me almost 20 years to get to this point with her since I've been caring for her since I was 25. I've been her sole caregiver for the last 10, and now my teenage children are helping. I've already taught them to respect grandma and be calm with their responses, but they are allowed to tune her out when she is screaming and calling them horrible things. They are allowed to say, "Grandma, if you need me, I'll be in the other room." They are allowed to call or text me to intervene. You need to allow yourself to walk away. Teach her how to treat you. If you allow her to be horrible, she will be. If you say, "It seems that you want to be alone since you are being mean to me. If you need something, let me know," and walk away, every time, you can reclaim some of your power back. I have started doing this, very calmly and kindly. I tell her she is mean. I tell her she is not treating me appropriately. You can, too. She will buck, but you will feel empowered, and THAT goes a LONG way with your mental health. You deserve to be at peace and you need it for your own well-being.

It was always incredibly frustrating for me when my mom put on a big front in front of others.

My friends loved my mom! She was a doll to them and everyone else.

Family dynamics are so interesting. My mom knew the things that she said to me would have been very inappropriate to say to others.

It’s behind closed doors that the claws came out. Did anyone else experience this?

I don’t doubt old age is rough. But it pains me to hear someone complain about how crappy old age is, how crappy they feel, how miserable life is. It’s as if they’re mad they’re still alive.

Why? Because I lost a friend to breast cancer when she was 38. Had a husband and 2-year-old daughter. When she was first diagnosed (was already stage 4), she was given maybe 2- 4 years at the most. At the time, her baby was 6 months old.

She said she’d fight like hell to stay around to see her daughter get married.

Then it became to see her graduate college.

Then it became to see her graduate high school.

Then it became to see her become a teenager.

Then it became to see her start kindergarten.

Finally, it became hoping her daughter would have a memory, even a slight one, of her.

Two rounds of intense chemo got her two years. That’s all. And she would have given anything to reach old age and watch her daughter grow up. So I can’t be totally sympathetic when I hear someone gripe just for being alive.

Man, I understand completely. It must be especially hard since she is living with you. I have a similar situation but, although I feel solely responsible for her, at least she is at a continuing care facility. Go easy on yourself. Make sure there is someone you can talk to. A counselor helped me tremendously. Bless you.

Sending you a big hug. I hope you can find a way to take some time out and have a rest. A hospital geriatric team recently gave me some advice I found helpful - as I have a mother with a similar personality type. This will only help if your mother is not suffering from dementia or serious cognitive decline.

My mother was recently in hospital and the geriatric team did not believe the way my mother was negatively venting to me was healthy or helpful for either of us and they recommended I protect myself as much as possible. They recommended respectfully "pushing her" to solve most of her issues herself. For example if my mother vents about her family doctor, I now listen respectfully for 30 seconds and then gently ask what she wants to do about it. I do not offer advice or argue. To my surprise, the answer is usually "nothing" - and then I move on and change the subject to something more positive. If she keeps venting, I repeat the question in a very neutral way. If she keeps venting, I excuse myself and leave. There hasn't been one instance where she asks me what I think or says "you have to do something." My mother is not stupid and knows she is being managed, but it has helped - it's like a mental switch where I remove myself from the awful stress of trying to resolve her stress, anxiety and unhappiness - which isn't possible.

The suggestions in this forum about encouraging involvement in outside interests are great but I know achieving this is not always easy. In my mother's case, my parents lived a highly reclusive lifestyle for about 40 years and my mother rarely leaves the house and discourages visitors (if extended family visit, there will be an extended vent after the visit). Yes, this speaks to a need for help but she has always refused to engage on any mental health issues and says it is her right to live as she pleases.

Every family and every case is different and I wonder if there is a health professional who can advise you about the best approach for your situation with your mother. All the best for finding some solutions.

It is terrible to be old and get old. You lose friends and the means to do the things you loved to do because they are too hard physically or mentally and it gets worse daily. You no longer have a future (or a very short one with no results in achieving you dreams), you need more care and are afraid of the unknown and ending times coming. Yes, people do react to that - a few here and there just accept it but not all can. They get crabby and nasty and start lashing out at everything (I would NOT tolerate this no matter who, what or why). If they "misbehave", don't hold it in and try to sweet talk to them - it doesn't work. Let them have it and put them in their place to stop the behavior. It will save your heart and soul by NOT keeping their poison to you inside of you. Stand firm and protect yourself - let them be upset if they act out.

Your Mom being alone a lot gives her so much time to dwell on things. Is there any hobbies you might nudge her towards. Is there a church family that might visit her throughout the week? Getting/Being older is not an easy task, we gotta understand that first off.
The older you get, the more you lose. At least that is what it seems like for some. That produces such fear, which if one doesn't know how to handle fear can immediately go to anger. And with losses comes some depression. So many older people live in the past and focus on what they use to have and use to be. However, I wish they could see, that they still are a person, with such great value and worth. And I wish they would focus on their lives now and what they can do, instead of what they can't do.
But there are only a small amount of people who grow older with a smile. My Mom is one of them. My Dad was not. But there is still so many losses they feel with or without a smile. We truly can't understand until we are there. And I feel if we can understand now for our loved ones, maybe when we are there we will be able to manage it better.
God is a very present help in times of trouble and trials. Look to him for help. I will pray for you and your Mom.

Dear EmotionallyNumb,

I face issues with my mom better after I remind myself that some people are happy being miserable and I am not responsible for their happiness.

Hang in there.

I understand your frustration, but 2 things stood out to me. She is in chronic pain and is alone a lot. That would make anybody unhappy and bitter. Is there any way to address these issues? Can she get some sort of relief for her pain? It sounds like she might be better off and happier in an assisted living facility or some kind of elder care where she would have people around during the day.

Of course, there is no way those of us on the outside can tell what the problems are, but it does seem that your current arrangement isn't working out for you or your mom.

I know how difficult it can be, and It is a big responsibility. It is heart breaking to watching our mom like that. But think of moment, ( no one lives forever) She has already given you so much in life and ( she maybe hurting deeply inside and she doesn't know what to do anymore) she has so much to live now. When she is no longer here with you, ( when her time comes), the regret will engulfing you..
I know it's very hard now, try to be patience with her. Just like when you were a child. Considering, a local home care agency could come help your mom? I send you hug ((())) & a lot of well wishes for you. You are not alone. and praying for you 🙏🏼

Wouldn't it be refreshing to read how agreeable our elders are? I don't think I have ever seen a thread on that! It seems that most caregivers have suffered horribly, right? Unfortunately, misery comes with the job! It is a matter of when do we become sick and tired of being sick and tired.

In no way am I being disrespectful to elders. They are just as miserable! It's no wonder that we read about psych meds being recommended so much on this forum quite frequently!

Wow! Thank you for your honest sharing. This is very very difficult for you. I do recommend reading Counting on Kindness The Dilemmas of Dependency.

Imho, aging is not pleasant for some individuals. However, some do quite well as they have a positive attitude. Prayers sent.

My dad was that way. He had a stoke at 72 and basically gave up. He sat in the kitchen for the next 17 years, watched TV and moped. Such a waste.

Thank you for taking care of your mother it is a big responsibility especially when your working full-time. I think you need to have a serious talk with your mother about why she is so unhappy. Maybe you should look into other options for your mother if she doesn't improve because as much as you love her you need your life back. I hope you solve these problems with your mother soon. Take care of yourself.

My mother-in-law is like that - seldom seems to be happy or contented, and it doesn't take much to set her off on a fuss-fest. My wife is her mother's legal guardian and in-home caregiver. She seems to save the worst of her tirades for my wife. I think this is partly to do with a "You're-my-daughter-so-do-what-I-say!" attitude, as well as an antiquated notion that women should stay at home and let their husbands work (my wife works part-time). My mother-in-law gets worse around certain dates: my late brother-in-law's birthday and the anniversary of his death (he died from non-Hodgkin lymphoma 10 years ago, before my wife and I ever met); Thanksgiving (her brother-in-law died Thanksgiving week); Christmas (my father-in-law died early in the morning on December 26th; my mother-in-law insists it was Christmas day); and New Year's Day (my MIL and FIL's wedding anniversary). Misery loves company, apparently. Her doctor says she can stay home alone for a few days at a time if someone checks on her, so we hire a business called ComForCare to send someone to spend up to 6 hours a day with her if my wife and I go on vacation (we have offered to take her along, but she always backs out at the last minute with complaints like "My legs hurt. My feet hurt. I can't walk. I don't feel well." I know this is at least a part-time sham on her behalf because she has used that "I can't walk because my feet hurt" excuse while hobbling painfully-appearing with her walker if she THINKS she has to go somewhere, but as soon as she finds out she DOESN'T have to go out, she perks right up and moves around much more sprightly than she had been while whining about her feet, just moments before). SHE doesn't want to go anywhere, apparently, but she gets resentful if my wife and I go anywhere. The last time we went out, on a weekend camping trip, she told an elderly (and possibly demented) friend of hers that we had "left her all alone", and the friend contacted DHHS and filed a complaint (this friend has had a habit of doing so any time my MIL calls up and fusses at her). The DHHS has already figured out that my mother-in-law is a chronic complainer, and that her friend is a busybody, but we showed them the bill for ComForCare anyway to show that my mother-in-law was indeed NOT left all alone. Add that to her paranoia, delusional thinking, and occasional hallucinations, and it makes life interesting at times...

I will answer a question with a question Why did you bring your mother to your house? If you knew you would not be able to entertain her. Why don't you buy her a small dog to care for and be a company keeper for her. She is your mother who put up with you when you could not do for yourself. How little we forget when the tables turn. You are going to get old yourself, and how would you want someone to treat you?

I have reviewed the first page of replies.

EN, you do know that you do not have to put up with it. You are not responsible for her.

My former MIL used to play woe is me and envy cards all the time. After listening to her go on and on about how much better my step mother's life was I had had it. My step Mum is a remarkable woman and she does not complain. So I asked my x- MIL which of her two children did she want to die? Then to throw away everything she had owned prior to age 35. Why? My step mum lost two of her 4 children to a drunk driver, their house burned to the ground prior to that and they lost everything but their lives. All of a sudden my x-mil's life did not look so bad.

What you are describing is narcists.

Their motto is I am going to do what I want to do an do not care who I hurt to get what I want.

As they age their bodies break down and there is a constant battle between the mind saying I am going to do what I want and the body saying you are going to suffer if you do. I have seen many, my mother being the worse, who know if they do something they will suffer. Being stupid and stubborn (the two go hand in hand) they refuse to learn their lesson (oh that happened the last ninety nine times it will not happen this time ) and proceed to abuse their body. The bodies reaction is swift and brutal. It is true fools never learn.

These folks are also users and abusers. As they age their availability of victims dwindles and they resent it. I have seen it too often. Most folks do not give in to their manipulation and when they cannot get their own way proceed to through temper tantrums like spoiled children.

There are laws to protect against elder abuse. I wish there were laws to prevent live in care giver abuse.

"Getting old is not for wimps!" Aging is difficult for most people. Loss of independence and mobility then add aches, pains and chronic illness plus grief due to loss of their family and friends... NOT easy for anyone to endure. That said, your feelings are natural as Caregiving is not an easy task. Requires huge amounts of patience, understanding and skill. It is not for everyone. Most take on too much and do not allow themselves time off. That can lead to caregiver stress and problems with our health = mental and physical. It is a fine balancing act for us Caregivers. We need to vent and we need time off, it is called Self Care and it is super important. Determine if you are cut out for Caregiving and if not, look into single pay Caregivers, Medicare/caid assistance or Assisted Living centers. Good luck to you and your mom. Take care~

I can relate to this 100%. My mother doesn't live with me thankfully, but otherwise your description fits exactly. I don't have any answers, just to say that you aren't alone in how you're feeling. I have had many, many days where I fantasize about changing my phone number and moving away without telling her.

Had same experiences as you and was told by elder care experts that this is common. They also said if someone had a personality disorder throughout their life it can get worse with age. My hat is off to you for all you are doing. I had to leave or kill myself (literally), though my mother is pretty self sufficient - she just wanted me to be her free slave without any life of my own. Wishing you the best.

I am in the same situation and have put up with it (no choice of mine) for over 5 years now. I get told to hang in there by agencies! My mother does not have chronic health issues and is physically able. I am the brunt of all her frustration and get verbally abused several times a day. If I ask her not to do something I get screeched at. The verbal abuse is very repetitive, the same insults over and over.
I am also extremely sick of it and feel I have lost 5 years of a good life. Does anyone out there have good advice for us?

Ask her if she really wants to die a cynic.

I’m very sorry you’re going through all the grief. Life’s tough when it’s just us dealing with life’s ups and downs. Add a needy person with all their issues and it feels amplified by twenty! You must find respite time for yourself; you can’t give to others if there’s nothing left to give! Bringing someone in to visit or do things with your mom might help? My mom & dad’s Alzheimer’s looks very different. She became super anxious, fearful and suspicious in addition to the confusion. My dad is still a “glass half full” guy, but when if he gets real crabby and starts complaining (which isn’t often thankfully),
I remind him that I love him, I’m sorry things are so tough, and that it’s a struggle for ALL of us. Sometimes I just hug him and cry. He gets frustrated. He’s wheelchair bound so must rely on others for quite a bit. There’s a neat poem called DO Not Ask Me to Remember, by Owen Darnell. Check it out. I read it when I find myself getting angry or upset with Dad. No easy answers here- practice self-care first and hang in there!!

Just wait until you are old and you see your life slipping away from you each day. Your body has become ugly, you may be ill or have severe pain. You can't do a lot of thing that mean everything to you even though you want to or your friends and things you did once aren't working or available any longer. You are on a one way street to doomsday. Some people are fine right up to the end but others are not. It is life - it sucks. I am going to be 87 and disabled and can't walk and in pure agony 24/7. I push myself beyond what my abilities can handle because I refuse to give in. I am a fish out of water compared to most elderly people. Two years ago I finished six years of online college. I still serve as a Power of Attorney to someone and also work at a job I have held for 50 years and love and will never stop - I help animals from a local to international level. I take care of l00% of all my affairs and do everything under the sun in terms of hobbies, adventures, still drive (safely) and go out to eat and do things. But almost not a soul I know that is old does this. It is extremely difficult and I often sit and cry at what I have become and hate myself but what good does it do? My life is gone forever. No wonder I am heartbroken - like your mother.

How old is your mother? If she’s still capable of normal function, she may want to want to volunteer in a public library or something. If she’s good with some crafts, you may want to encourage her to practice/teach it. It may take her mind of recursive negative thoughts and end up taking it on you.

Seems mom may need to see her primary care doctor and maybe a psychiatrist. Chronic pain sucks the joy out of life, but it can be managed so it is less intrusive. I know, I have arthritis and never have pain-free days... but I have lots of days where the pain is manageable. After the pain issue is resolved, if mom still has a negative outlook on life, she may benefit from psychiatric care. A lot of seniors suffer from depression and depression is the mental health equivalent of a "cold" since so many people experience it. Medications can help.

Please consider that you need a little help so your not stuck in a rut... leads to burnout. Get help from family, friends, members of your faith group, and/or paid help so you have some free hours during the week. Use your time for fun and to regain your "joy" and "peace". Praying helps me.