Do I tell my elderly mom that my brother died?

It is a compassionate act to save your mother from grieving. Perhaps her physician can prescribe something for the agitation. I hope you get through the holidays with grace and ease.

Telling her once is very different from multiple times. Apples and Oranges. Telling her once removes this question completely. Obviously if there was comfort in keeping it from her for seven months this question would have never been asked. One time. Maybe two. 

Nonsense! My mom with dementia asked about her parents and an older sister daily. Each time I told her that they had passed it was the start of grief all over again. The emotional upset that she was experiencing was not at all for her benefit did not provide her comfort.

Those with dementia live their own reality that has no basis in truth or the life they have lived and experienced. It is cruel treatment to try to get them to understand another's reality. It will not happen ever.

I have to say, I am actually shocked at how many responses advocate lying to your loved one. Life is hard; People die. Let her mourn. I think that is what is so confusing about caring for a loved one; Walking the line of what is best and what is easier on you. We never asked for this gift to care for our parents, but what if we are the best one for it? What if we aren't? My one rule... Never lie. Dementia is a great excuse, but it really shows your character trying to control the reaction. Be well.

It can be very frustrating, I agree. My ex-husband's grandmother constantly fretted about all the paperwork she had to get filed, and it was never-ending because she was trying to "file" the bedsheets.

But the OP's mother is not travelling back in time in this way. Until just a few months ago, she *was* sharing accommodation with her son, and now she isn't, and not unreasonably she wants to know where he is.

Zeenna, ask for help with this very difficult situation from an experienced bereavement counsellor - the facility should be able to recommend one, and if not they can certainly put you in touch with a hospice organisation who definitely will.

My mother kind of thought her mentally ill son (who has been living in a group home for years) was still living down in her basement. Lordy, how she waited and fussed over Her Poor Baby Boy! She would make him sandwiches and leave them in the refrigerator, and write long, crazy notes and put them on his desk in his old room. (They were very detailed! "It's raining out, so put on your boots and take an umbrella. Go buy yourself something to eat. Don't eat the soup in the cupboard as Dad will want it when he comes home {Dad, being dead for 20 years!} - I have put out a blue windbreaker and some gray sweatpants for you, be sure to comb your hair! I will be going to church at 5 p.m. {she hadn't been to church in years} and when I come home we will rake the leaves {it was 90 degrees in summer}. "   A brother who had lived in Florida since 1973 was sitting out in the car in the driveway ' - why won't he come in???' ...... She wasn't too upset about my father. I did say, early on, 'Mom, you do remember Dad died? Do you remember his funeral?' And she would say, all indignant, 'Of COURSE I do! But he's living in the basement and going out to work in the middle of the night, though I don't know where his car is. But he's down in the basement....can you make some meatloaf for him when he comes home later?" .....OY! I heard this kind of talk for months - years! As far as mom was concerned, the girls in the office she worked in 50 years ago were alive, her parents who died in 1970 were alive, all her relatives and friends were alive. I would gently say, 'they died in 19____, don't you remember?' and she was all indignant. "Well, yes, but I have to go downtown to meet them this afternoon...." Or some such. OY!

She has a right to be told at least once.

I am so sorry for your loss. My Dad has been dead for 14 years and when my Mum was hospitalized she asked where he was and said he should be there with her. She got very insistent and in the end I reminded her that he had died several years before. It was as if she did not ever know, like the first time she was hearing it. We had a terrible scene and she had to be sedated. The following day she remembered nothing and asked again where Dad was. This time, I told her he went out for a newspaper. No scene, no mourning, no grief. Last week, while again in hospital, Mum asked where Dad was and I said he had a few jobs to do and would see her later. Again, no grief, no shattering pain.
For my Mum, she only needed to mourn my Dad once not every time she asks about him.
Should you tell your mother about your brother? If she has dementia or Alzheimer's, no.

YES! BE TRANSPARENT IN TRUTH!

Dear zeena2000,
My dad and mother-in-law both have Alzheimer's and Dementia. They both seem to remember what they choose to remember. My mother died in January. Although my mother and father hadn't seen one another in almost a year due to the illnesses of both. I still told him the day she died, which was in early January. To this day, he asks me about her at every visit. I tell him the truth and he breaks down, again. My family has always been honest with one another and although it is difficult for me, as well, I tell him everything and usually at every visit, which is at least once a week, many times 2 & 3 times a week.
With all that said, you have to think about, not only how it will affect her, but also you! My dad is crying less and being upset less by the news, so I suppose it is finally sinking in and he is understanding more.
A close death, like a wife, mother and the most difficult, a child, is not something that is easily dealt with anytime or under any conditions. I guess what I am trying to say, is do what you believe in your heart, your mom would want you to do. How would you feel, if one day she realized and understood, and you hadn't told her?
Ask yourself some hard questions. Can you handle the possibility of days, weeks or months of helping her understand? Has your family kept secrets from one another in the past?
Every family is different, every mother is different, every child is different. Only your family truly knows the answers to what a dementia family member wants to know and can handle.
Go with your heart and your gut. You have the answer. Some days, it is harder for the caregiver and we have to make the difficult decisions.
Good luck zeena2000! And know you are not alone!

As others have said, this is a very tricky situation especially as it is her child. I do think if she is continually asking for so long she may suspect something bad has happened. If she asks again, I think I might try to tread gently down the road to telling her. Maybe start with something like .."he's not really doing well" or "remember when I said he was in rehab? well, things did not get better." Something like this where you can gently introduce the possibility of bad news without "going all the way." Depending on how she responds to this initial comment, maybe you can move on to "he's in heaven" or whatever. My mom went months without asking about my deceased dad, but recently started talking about him again. It's like an ebb and flow. The fact that she seems to be persistent about questioning her son's absence does make me think you need to say something. Good luck with this. I'm sorry for your loss.

You have to judge how well your mom copes with every day stresses of life before you tell her something this devastating. How bad is her dementia? Does she comprehend well still or give you a vacant stare when when you talk w her or is she someplace in between either spectrum?
Her stage of dementia should determine if telling her is a good idea.
If she’ll forget that her son has died over a period of time, why tell her only to have to repeat the news and have her go through the pain all over again?
My father in law has some good days where he is lucid and able to process information given to him in conversation or from tv but by the following day, he’s forgotten most or all of everything he learned or that happened so telling him something as heartbreaking as a loved one passing is pointless.
If you’ve spent any amount of time with your mom recently, you already know if she is able to handle this news.
Good luck and I’m terribly sorry for your loss.

This is such a hard situation. My dad had dementia and when my mother died, my brother said, "Dad, Mom went to live with Jesus" and he said, "OK" and went back to sleep. He never asked about her again, so I'm not sure what he thought.

My mother-in-law has some issues and nobody is really sure what they are. She'll be her normal, cranky self most of the time but then she has occasionally had a complete break with reality. This has been happening for about a month now, she has been hearing voices and seeing things and even told my husband that he's stupid if he can't see the people. All that to say, her daughter died just over a week ago and we haven't told her. A doctor told me that she probably couldn't process it anyway.

In her case, she believes SO MUCH that isn't true. Some of it is harmless, some of it is bad, like my husband was in jail, her other son keeps flying in from out of state but won't see her, someone is trying to kill her...we felt like not telling her about her daughter was the best thing. If she gets better, we'll tell her.

I don’t think that it will do her any good to know the truth. But her agitation is getting worse and now she is screaming and cursing me because she thinks I took him to the hospital and I am not bringing him back. I am very frustrated. I am not sure for how long I will have to keep going. I am getting very tired.

I agree that it is a case-by-case decision. My brother died at 60; it was 2 1/2 years ago and Mom was 92 (she died at 95 about 3 months ago). She was in a skilled nursing facility and had begun to experience mild dementia. I live 125 miles away. She knew he was dying; he had visited her and told her himself. When he died, I asked one of the nurses who knew her well to break the news. I figured a phone call from me would result in her being alone with no support. I saw her soon thereafter and she didn't talk much about it. But as time went by, she would conjure up my brother as though he were a little kid. She said, "I need you to buy Jeff some shoes. He is outgrowing his shoes." It was as if she were back in the 1950s when we were little, making a mental note that it was time to take the kids to the shoe store; and that she realized she couldn't carry out this task and needed me, the oldest, to get Jeff re-shod. I didn't know what to say, so I said, "Mom, you do know that Jeff died, right?" and she replied, "Oh, yes, I do know." And that was that.

It was part of a pattern that one of the nurses told me about. She would tell the nurse, "I need to get my little girls to the dentist." The nurse replied, kindly, "Your little girls are all grown up now, and they can get themselves to the dentist." Mom responded, "Oh. OK!"

I wish you luck with this very sensitive issue. I will never know whether I handled it in the best way, but I tried to do what felt right.

I struggled with the same issue when my brother died of pancreatic cancer. He supported me in caring for our mother. When he was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery and chemo, we did not tell her. We sought advice from the staff of the assisted living facility, who were amazing. When my brother started to decline, my brother decided to tell our mother. We "staged" it very carefully by having the staff and female chaplain nearby; she had her medicine prior to our visit; and my brother, his wife, and I told her together. It was hard to tell her this news, but it allowed for us to share love; tears; and hugs. My mother attended the funeral and received lots of support from her friends and other family members. My mother lost two sons within two years, and last year, her sister, five years younger, died suddenly of stroke. The nursing home where my mother is now a resident, encouraged me to take mom to the viewing and funeral! They provided the van for transport and a staff member to accompany us (I rode along with her in the van)! She cried and had a few emotional moments, but who wouldn't? Initially, I didn't want to take her to the viewing because I was concerned that she would have an emotional breakdown. She cried, and I was there to support her and hug her. I humbly admit that I was also concerned how her emotional upset would be perceived by others (aka how could I handle my mother's upset...would she say or do something embarrassing, etc.). This is a tough issue for elders and their caregivers, and I recommend you rely on the advice of your mother's physician and nursing staff or social workers who care for your mom, if she is a resident of a facility. At the end of the day, you do not want any regrets. Yes, your mother will grieve, but with dementia, I have discovered that my mother quickly forgets things, so the emotional outburst will be short-lived. Death is a part of life, and your mother ha a right to know and have an opportunity to express her grief.

What would be the benefit of telling her since #1 She has dementia and won't recall anything that you tel her seconds later and #2 She's a very agitated person?

From my experience, I wouldn't tell her. Why upset her. Nothing good can come from it. My brother died 7 years ago at 65 and my Mum was aware at the time. Shortly after I decided to have her come and live with my husband and me. It's been very difficult for all of us because she has dementia now and is 96. She still asks about my brother, and I just say he is at his house or deflect the questions and she's happy with my answers. Why get them upset, when they will only forget in a few minutes? Our goal in my opinion is to keep our Moms calm, safe and happy. Not upset them with things that they can't control or change. I feel for you because I know the pain of loosing a brother and caring for you Mom at the same time. We don't really have a chance to grieve. And we are all alone in our caregiving battle. I was not supposed to grow old without my big brother! I still feel angry and cheated! God bless you, and I hope you find some time to heal and take care of yourself too.

It would be unimaginably cruel to tell her he was dead. How many times do you plan to tell her 'he is dead' and have her go through grieving for however short a time, until the next time and the next time and the next time....HER BRAIN IS BROKEN. She will hear the sad news over and over, and yes, you 'told the truth' like a good little soldier. To what end?? .... Unforgiveable......I would say, 'he is at work/travelling/staying in a place with no phone' over and over, and then immediately deflect. "look at that dog outside, isn't he pretty?" "would you like a cookie/some ice cream/watch your favorite tv show?" Use your imagination, it doesn't matter.

I told my mother when my brother died, it broke her heart. I again told her when my second brother passed right after, then her brother and my grandpa (her step dad) and my cousin and her close friend....I wish that I hadn't been the one to tell her but it was her right to know. Broke her heart, she died shortly after....sigh, it's a hard decision, I know....Hugs

My step father..presented signs of dementia...classified as having dementia...but he remembered fully well the passing of his first wife from cancer...and understood fully well that my mother was also passing from cancer..and did pass from cancer..and it become long term memory..short term..can transfer to long term..he dealt with it fairly easily ...when everyone thought he would be devastated...but he wasn't ..he accepted the reality..even in his demented state..

I would not tell her. Call it a lie, or whatever you want, with dementia you are sparing her pain. She can't mourn something that she can't remember but she may remember that she is sad. You may also have to tell her every day and she will never go through the grief process properly. I believe there was an article somewhere on this site that talks about this very thing. If a person cannot go through the stages of grief you may do more harm than good.

Just because you are a nurse...psychiatrist..psychologist...or a social worker..etc..does not mean they ..you..are a competent one..always..always..trust your instincts and judgment when it comes to your family..sorry..no insult intended to those in the profession..but..after having..my father..mother..sister..brother..passing..all within a few years of each other..mostly late diagnosis..poor medical treatment..or from overdose during care..etc....and my husband near ..almost dead..from misdiagnosis..and my habit of being a compulsive non relenting researcher of info...going with my gut..and researching things...I don't trust any so called professional opinion..or full trust in doctors or nurses..they are human as everyone else..and subject to their own limitations.mistakes..lack of knowledge..views..etc...and I have seen this first hand..and now makes me recall conversations of long ago amongst eldercarr nursing care workers that I knew in college...who became callous..the jokes..treatment..etc..as they said..for their own mental survival..anyway..it is ..they..are..only as good as the caliber ..knowledge..experience..and intent of the person making the determination..which can be way wrong..and frankly..I find many people short coming in observation..analysis..and understand..sorry..my view and reality..from learning the hard way..

While interesting and one point of view, the article is a generalisation. Important factors that it isn't taking into account are that this elderly lady's son was her constant companion, a fixture in her daily life which is now absent without explanation; and that we don't know how capable or not she as an individual is of taking on board new information. What we do know is that she is experiencing frustration and anxiety in the current situation and that she has never been told of her son's death. She's not failing to process it, she hasn't been given a chance to.

dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia

"Dementia care experts recommend stepping into your senior’s reality rather than trying to correct them or bring them back into ours. That’s because their brain is steadily losing the ability to process information. Forcing them to join us in the “real world” only causes confusion, anxiety, fear, and anger.

This technique takes some getting used to because going along with your senior’s new reality can feel like you’re lying to them. But the reality is that honesty is not always the best policy when it comes to someone with dementia."
"Most of us are taught from a young age that any kind of lying is horrible and dishonest. On top of that, we’re told never to lie to parents, spouses, and people we love and respect. So when we hear about lying to someone with dementia, it seems cruel and wrong.

But always sticking to the truth, especially about an emotional subject, is what’s most likely to cause your older adult pain, confusion, and distress.

Plus, their problems with short-term memory mean they probably won’t remember the conversation, so it will come up again. Telling the truth each time forces them to experience the fear and anxiety over and over again.

The disease prevents people from properly processing and retaining information. Is it necessary to cause them so much distress, especially when the truth you tell them is likely to be misunderstood or quickly forgotten?"
Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone With Dementia - DailyCaring.com

Is she aware that he no longer comes to see her? Because I don't know which is worse, thinking he doesn't want to see her or knowing he is dead. With dementia, there is no way of knowing how she will take it or understand it or how long she will remember.. I am sorry about your brother.

First of all, my heart goes out to you.

If she is in assisted living or a nursing home, the first person I would talk to is the unit social worker or family liaison. This person can help you decide on whether your mother should be told--and if she is told, how to go about doing this in a compassionate and caring manner. They'll put together a game plan and make sure all her caregivers are on the same page of the playbook.

If she is being cared for at home and has an elder care coordinator--which can be either a social worker or a nurse--I would talk to that person about this. Having someone who has professional training, who is familiar with what's wrong with her and what she might be able to handle is invaluable. That way, if you decide to tell her, you have backup and a plan in place for what to do if she takes the news badly.

If you are handling her care and don't have a social worker or nurse to talk to, I would advise you to use your best judgement. Trust yourself and whatever you decide to do will be done with her best interest in mind.

IMHO, I would never withhold that information. That's her child...
She is obviously upset now, so at least she will have closure.

Does she go to a neurologist? I would run it by him. This is such a catch 22. I may tell her once but not again. I guess you have told her is very sick and will not be able to come home. As the desease progresses she will forget him.

I can understand your not wanting to see your mother grieve, especially if she has dementia and will be grieving over and over every time you tell her. But as a mother, I would want to know the truth. If I were constantly thinking that my son was in the hospital, I'd be extremely worried and upset that I couldn't do anything to help him. If I found out that my relatives lied about such a thing, then I'd be very angry and no longer trust them. It would make my death that much more difficult.