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My mother and brother who was 67 year old were roommates and he died 7 months ago. She thinks that he is still in the hospital and keeps asking me to bring him back. I keep telling her that he is unwell. I have been lying to her to save her from agony. She is getting frustrated. Any advice?

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Oh dear zeenna
So sorry for the loss of your brother

I personally wouldn't tell her - my mom couldn't stand the thought of her favorite niece being in the hospital so no way I told her when she passed

My brother recently had a bad accident and is in rehab now, but I wouldn't mention it to her at all even if things got worse

Dementia or not, after a certain age, there's no need of bad news
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From my own personal experience with my mom's dementia, absolutely not!
The heartache would kill her to know that her baby (50 years young) has passed. I have his son call her at times and she thinks it is him. I keep him alive for her sake. At 91 with dementia, my intention is to keep her safe, sound and at peace. She will see him again on the other side.
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It depends on how far gone her dementia is.
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I agree with MsMadge. My only worry would be if some other family member tells her - so perhaps let everyone know of your decision. If she hears it from someone else - she could be very upset. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and to hear about Mum too. Love and hugs to you. xo.
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Use your judgement. This is really a case by case decision. I have told my mother when she asks "where's Joey" that he is in heaven. He's there with dad and they have formed a bowling league. She likes this. Sometimes I say "you tell me" and she'll answer heaven, maybe say "such a shame" and we will move on. You have to trust your judgement.
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Your mother has the right to mourn for her son. Death is part of life. You can remind her that he has fallen asleep, and assure her that he is "sleeping" and how Jesus, himself, spoke of death as just "sleeping".

I had to tell my mother her sister died and she took it quite hard. But by the time we left the Nursing Home, she was fine.

I know it's hard on you to tell your mom this. Because it will be hard to watch her mourn. But you shouldn't take that right away from her. She will only get worse and think you are hiding something from her (which you are) if you keep denying her any type of logical answer as to why her son can't at least "call" her on the phone. How long can you go on not telling her?

You will eventually need to tell her, or eventually it will come out. You should have really told her about it when your brother died.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Please tell your mom.
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This is incredibly difficult. And I'm afraid it's also one of those situations without a good option.

I can understand that you want to spare your mother the pain and grief of losing a child. Of course. But at the moment she is experiencing the pain, fear and frustration of not seeing her child and having no idea what's happened to him. That's not hugely better, is it? And you're lying to her, which is stressful and miserable for you. And there is a possibility that the news will reach her from other sources, which will confuse the bejasus out of her and potentially threaten her trust in you.

I would try once, very carefully, preferably with back up from a chaplain or other experienced bereavement counsellor. And for heaven's sake be vague about when it happened - do NOT 'fess up to the deceit.
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From my own personal experience with my mom's dementia, absolutely not!
Zeenna2002 ~ First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I know it cannot be easy losing your brother and taking care of your mom. From my own personal experience with my mother, the heartache would kill her to know that her baby (50 years young) had passed. I have his son call her at times and she thinks it is him, which gives her peace. I keep him alive for her sake. At 91 with dementia, my intention is to keep her safe, sound and at peace. She will see him again on the other side.
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I have had a similar spot. My dad is in the nursing home and two months ago this sister, who is had not seen for 50 years was also put in the same place. They were able to eat together and do activities together. This was great they had each other after all these years. She passed last week and my dad has been asking about her. We have been telling him that his sister went home.
He does not understand most of the time where he is at so I think he accepts what we are telling him.
Each family situation is different. You have to do what is best for your mom
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As a mother, I would be VERY angry if I were not told my son had died. You say your mother is getting anxious and frustrated about not seeing her son. She may suspect something is very wrong, and so that is making her upset. That may make her suspicious of everyone if she thinks information is being withheld from her. She has every right to know. Give her that dignity as a mother and tell her as gently as you can so she can get some peace for GODS SAKE!!!
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