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My 95-yr-old mother has been living between me and my siblings spending a few months with each of us. She is mentally alert, on O2 full time, uses a walker from a fractured hip surgery a year ago and is independent as far as being left alone during the day, dressing herself and bathroom needs. She needs someone with her at night and someone to get coffee, dinner and to shower. Mom is happy in her room with fridge, tv, oxygen and windows to look out. She is in her room by choice 99% of the time. My situation is my sister, who mom lived with full-time for the past several years, is close to retiring. Her husband recently retired and they're ready to travel. I am the next child my mom wants to live with. I have a small townhouse with one bathroom on the second floor and my upstairs is small. Last time mom stayed with me I gave up my room which was fine as she was recovering from hip surgery and it is the largest room. However I can not mentally put her in my bedroom again, it created too much disorder for me. So the question is: Do I put mom in the extra bedroom, right next to my bedroom or renovate a small downstairs room I have off the back of the house by adding a bathroom and making it so it's mom's own space, asking her to pay for at least half? I have an estimate for $22k. That includes a full bath, adding windows, building a closet, and closing off a door. This way, as she continues to age (her sister just turned 98!) and extra care is required, she can stay in this space and we can bring in caregivers as needed and they're not in my personal space on 2nd floor. Mom wants to go in the extra bedroom upstairs as it's bright and she can see out the front of the house. When I mention the renovation of the back room, she tells me I am putting her in the back, she'll have nothing to look at and there's no need for the renovation. She also does not want to spend the money, which she has. One minute I'm ready to move forward with the contractor, the next I think she'll be fine in the upstairs room and sharing a bathroom with me. Looking for some thoughts / guidance. I am 54 yrs, no kids and have a serious boyfriend who lives in his own house and I frequently spend nights with him, which means I have siblings and possible caregivers staying at my house during nights here and there, which is another reason I thought renovating the back room would be nice. I'll have a spare guest room for people when they stay over. I'm not going to get a ton of additional resale value as a result of renovating the back room just because of the location of my house, etc. It would mostly be for my comfort and mom's long-term needs.


Thank you.

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Having a 95 yo living upstairs and sharing a bathroom with you sounds like a recipe for disaster. You get to say how these living arrangements pan out, not mom. Your house, your rules.

As far as AL goes, my parents lived in a luxury AL for years and I can assure you I "loved them". Whatever stigma people attach to AL is silly. In fact, my aunt lived in her daughter's home and was neglected by her 90% of the time while she lived in a bedroom upstairs. It wasn't until my aunt was placed in a SNF that she began to thrive and lived another 3 years to 94. Living with a family member doesn't guarantee good care and living in AL doesn't guarantee sub par care.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.
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Agreed that assisted living would be the first option. BUT if you are set on her living with you, I would NOT have her living upstairs. Aside from the issue of getting her up and down the stairs for doctor's appointments, the time will come when 911 will need to be called, and then how do you get her downstairs?

Regarding assisted living, have you checked into adult family homes? They are not a lot less expensive than assisted living, but rather than being in an institutional setting with lots of patients and few caregivers, it will be more like 5 other residents and often two 24x7 caregivers. They often will have a deck and a backyard, and periodic outings. Also, there is more likely to be one near where you live, so you can go visit often.

AND, at least in Washington state, it's a LOT easier to find an adult family home that will allow transition to Medicaid after 2-3 years, than an assisted living place that will. The adult family home I placed my dad in allowed ALL residents to transition to Medicaid, where as the few assisted living places I found could not guarantee that one of their very few Medicaid beds would be available at that time.

Do NOT let your family guilt you into caring for your mom if it's not something you feel called to do. You can help her in other ways...like visiting her often when she is living elsewhere.

You can do an on-line search to find adult family homes....here in Washington state there are a ton of them. Like any other option, you will want to have a list of questions you will ask several of them, and determine which offers the most & sounds the nicest. I went with a company that had 25 homes, so could move the resident if it was not a good fit. Not your scenario, but in my dad's case, he became agressive with sundowners and advancing dementia, and had to be placed in one of their lockdown homes.
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Karen,

Just some random thoughts.
Keep it simple for you both. Set up parameters as to when she goes downstairs.
Perhaps it is when she can no longer manage the stairs, when she is incontinent, when she requires daytime assistance or care beyond your ability. Whatever criteria you and she could agree on in advance. Put it in writing….mostly to remind yourself.
Basically when you need to create a SNF type environment to provide her care, she needs to make life easier on the caregivers. That’s her greatest contribution to long term care.

You are wise to be thinking this through before she moves in.

You need a contract where she pays you for her room and board. That keeps the flow of money straight and prevents the appearance of gifting and prevents future claims against your home.
You pay for the renovation and let her pay her way. When someone visits for awhile, they eventually go home. When she moves in, your life will change in ways you haven’t imagined, assuming you don’t have a crystal ball.
If she doesn’t want to pay room and board, perhaps she can consider one of her other children to live with. You need to work through this issue with her up front for both your protection.

To help you know where mom is now, have a needs assessment done. Would she qualify for a SNF today? If she would, then you have a clearer idea of where you are. At 95, regardless of how old her sister is, one fall can put you back to when you had her using your bedroom. You saw how that affected you.

You have to remember that as she declines, your health is HER number one asset. Most especially your mental health.

Also would she be able to spend more time in your extended downstairs if she took the downstairs bedroom?
Perhaps there is a window she can see out to the front of the house?
That could significantly affect her cognition.

Again, take some cues from how she spends her time now at your sisters house? Is she part of the family activities or does she stay in her room all the time there?
Does she have her own furnishings that would make her more comfortable?
This transition may be hard for her. The fewer times an elder has to move, the better is the general thought.

Could you consider planning the downstairs for your own use until mom needed to be downstairs?

You have a lot to consider. The bottom line for me would be if the improvement would be beneficial long term. If you plan to age in place, the extra bath and bedroom will come in handy.

Remember that the more comfortable you are, the more likely you will be able to see this through long term. Don’t hesitate to bring in more help as it is needed.
And please do pay attention to what you already know. You need your own space.

Let us know what you decide and how it goes. Your experience can help others make these life transitional steps.
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SnoopyLove May 2023
This is wise, wise counsel!
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Your sister managed to escape the caregiving. You're up next. What happens when you want out? Are you sure the other 2 siblings are onboard with having Mom move in with them next?

You wrote this back in November, when your mother was recovering from hip surgery:

" I find myself not spending much down time with her as my time with her is very task-driven with treatments, discussing medical appointments, bathing, washing clothes, etc. I get a feel for how she’s feeling. I know her time is limited and I feel guilty. She’s pretty much confined to her bedroom on the second floor. I have an aide coming in two times a week for two hour shifts, of course she feels it’s not necessary."

And now it's 6 months later. Are you SURE you want her to move in with you? It sounds like you have a busy life now, between a fulltime job and your BF.

What would have happened if you'd said no to Mom moving in?
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Tell her what you have said here.

If she is easy to deal with, make it clear what your boundaries are for this situation to work for the present and future needs.

If she is telling you what's up in your home, she may need to think about being more gracious to you. It's a big deal to move in on someone's personal space, she needs to work with what makes this easier on you, whether she likes it or not, she is NOT the only one that matters.
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Thanks all. The steps are not a concern if she's upstairs as she does not venture down the steps at all unless someone is with her. She has fridge in room and hot meals/coffee are brought to her. She is really pretty easy and for years has only socialized with her children and a few cousins here and there so she is not looking for outside people to socialize with. I am not looking to put her in asst living at 95. Not only do I love my mom, I like and enjoy her company albeit at times with 24 hours it's challenging. This is why I want her to live with me. I think having "sanctuary" space in my home which will only happen if the back room is redone is the key. Again, thank you for all comments.
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If mom living with you is the only plan under consideration then I definitely vote for her living downstairs. I can’t see having someone her age, and still aging, using stairs as a good idea. Falling is the enemy of the old, no need to add to the risk with stairs. Plus you’ll need the privacy of your own space. I wish you both well
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I would renovate.
Several reasons.
1. A person using a walker should not be on a second floor.
2. This will be more convenient for you and her when she needs more help, if/when she needs a wheelchair.
3. the added bedroom and bath (make it a roll in shower/zero entry, no bathtub) will be added value if you decide to sell at some point. Or for you when you age and decide you no longer want to do stairs. (so make the reno what you would want.)
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At age 95 she is not going to get better, her decline will continue, why does she need to live with you? 

I am not understanding the "Why", you are going to disrupt your life, remodel your home, spend money that you do not need to spend.

I imagine you would like to retire someday, that 22K could be used for your retirement.

Personally, I would rethink this entire matter.
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If Mom has money, why not a nice Assisted Living.

The problem in Mom paying for the addition is Medicaid if needed in next 5 yrs. Medicaid looks at the money Mom spends is as a gift and it will produce penalties. Will be hard getting Mom into a nursing home.

I think redoing the back room is a good idea, but it has to be done with ur money. Moving Mom in may not be a good idea. She should not be climbing stairs. You are in a relationship and need ur privacy. I think redoing that back room is a good idea. It will give Mom a place to go to when u have company. I would want my upstairs for privacy.
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The age of your mother is going to cause increasing problems by the day. That's the truth of it. So what you're letting yourself in for is increased responsibility, decreased independence, and you'll both be miserable in a few months.

She is pushing back big time in terms of her room in your house and her obstinacy in paying her fair share. Surely you understand that she's requiring you to live by HER say-so with little concern about what this will mean for YOU. Upstairs sharing a bathroom? I'm snickering already. Sharing a bathroom with someone who is 95? You do know that they get incontinent quickly, right? Up and down the stairs for a woman who has had hip surgery already? OMG OMG. And OMG.

Bringing caregivers into your home as needed comes with a whole new set of problems. If one doesn't show up, what do you do? Are you prepared to withhold taxes from their paychecks? How will you insure them against injury on the job? How do you know your mom and your belongings will be safe with them? Who feeds them? What are the rules, will they do housework and cook? Who will shop if they're with mom?

She needs to be in a facility where she can be taken care of 24/7 and have people to socialize with when she wishes.
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Neither. Move her into a facility.
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I will refrain from telling you that moving mom in with you might not be the best idea; I am sure you will get plenty of others coming her to tell you that.

My mom lived with me from the time she retired (at 65) until she passed away (at 86). While many, many other people here have had awful experiences with a parent living with them, it actually worked out very well for us, in part because I have a 2-family house and my mom lived in the upstairs apartment. So she had her own space, and we had ours. She also wasn't one to intrude, and she was a pretty easy housemate, overall.

But - when she got sick, it became somewhat of a trial to have her upstairs. Mostly when it came time to get her downstairs to go out to her doctors. And after she had several hospital stays, it was always a concern of mine that her strength would be so diminished upon discharge that she might not be able to make it UP the stairs back into her apartment. She also wasn't able to get downstairs to let in people - like her PT and OT people - so someone always had to be home when these people were scheduled to be able to let them in. And the few times that she had to be transported to the hospital by EMS, it was always an "adventure" for the EMT's to get her down the steps.

We had actually toyed with the idea of moving one of my kids upstairs into one of her bedrooms and moving her downstairs with us, but then she was placed on hospice, and she wanted to stay in her own space, so I didn't really push the issue. Once she went into hospice, her visits to the doctors were over, as were her trips to the ER, and it was during the early days of the pandemic, so we were all home anyway.

But if you are going to leave her alone for periods of time, I think having her on the first floor is a much more practical solution, as well as giving you some "sanctuary" space in your own home, which might become more important to you as time goes on.

Good luck!
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