Do I need a doctor's referral to place mom in respite care?

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Oh and yes - you need a script from the doctor for that . In NYS we are part of a wavier program NHTD in order to stay out of the nursing home. Mom has a case coordinator and a Home visiting physician and PT twice a month. Hang in there. Your doing a great job .

Yes, I gained 20 lbs too and I take care of my mom at home and she had 2 strokes. She doesn’t initiate conversation. She’s incontinent . She has a feeding tube and gets meds twice a day. My son helps with the meds. We live in her house. We get some side service but they are not that experienced or trustworthy. It’s a challenge, I know - since October 2015. Nursing home was just for rehab and they wanted to keep her there - they broke her ankle and caused skin breakdown. I was there every day 9-9. Now it’s 24 hours but it’s ok. She took care of me , my kids, I am all she has . She’s not a throw away.... maybe an adult day care for 3 times a week so you both get out.
Just a thought. I’m going to try it for my mom.

Nightmare1954
SNAP, YOU GO GIRL!
You are one of many of us who have siblings who just don't give a rat's butt when it comes the time in their/our lives to take CARE OF OUR PARENTS! My husband and I had to place my Mother/step-father in an assisted living group home because my older sister moved out of Mom's house after 10 yrs living scott free, didn't tell anyone.
Long story short, EVERYTHING was dumped in my lap (Same sister convinced the others I was the Witch of the West and cut me off). I dropped everything and drove back home to find the bills were once again so delinquent the City was ready to place a lien on Mom's house and turn off services! It took me A MONTH to get the bills up to date. THEN step-siblings learned that Daddy wasn't getting anything should Mom pass first because the State is Community property! They, especially the oldest, feel that Daddy should get everything i.e. the house which is Mom's sole/separate should this happen. I just had to have the house furnishing inventoried as well as hers/his/theirs. It was funny when the appraisers said it'd be easier to go thru the house and just tell them what is his, what is community🤣🤣. The oldest step-sister "stole" $40.000 from Mom's checking by having Daddy (authorized signer) write out an internal bank debit/deposit in the joint acct she opened with Daddy. THEN she made on-line transfer (she did not have any legal right to have access) $8.800, deposit to said joint acct so the check she sent to pay the 1st month "rent" 4 our parents to show she paid from Daddy's funds. I opened a POA account for Mom and paid the non refundable deposit from that acct so I told her that she would pay from the money she took. DO NOT MESS WITH A FORMER BANKER WHO HAD TO DO RESEARCH FOR CUSTOMERS REGARDING ACCT THEFT ETC.
She/her attorney petitioned the Court to be considered an interested party when I had my hearing to be appointed Mom's guardian/conservator, she isn't according to the Law, I objected so the Judge told her (telecommed) she couldn't say ANYTHING no matter what is said. He asked me about the $$$, I explained EVERYTHING and how anybody with 1/2 a brain could read a statement and find a lot of stuff from that. She also feels that since nothing will be Daddy's then he doesn't owe anything on the bills, COMMUNITY LAW SWEETIE! He is responsible for 50% for everything during the marriage. I took her/attorney/appointed Fiduciary/Judge to school. I was appointed, her attorney wanted her to be able to use her Durable POA....Judge told both that her POA MEANS NOTHING, I HAVE ALL THE POWER! She'd planned to take Daddy back to MI to live...NOPE she and the others HAVE TO GET MY PERMISSION FOR ANYTHING/EVERYTHING!
STICK TO YOUR GUNS, YES FIND A THERAPIST (I've had 1 for 7 yrs because of my siblings treatment with Mom). Get help from everyone you can. Medicare/Medicaid should help with respite, need a vaca place her in a rehab for a week (this is done all of the time). Keep track of all your expenses, you're acting as guardian/conservator and you are allowed to charge a fee or recover the $$ once Mom passes. Don't tell your siblings because the shock for them will be priceless! Conservator is paid 1st just like in a BK, and you still get your portion of whatever Mom leaves to you. That is going to cut into what they think they're getting. You can claim your rent for your apt, plan tickets; you HAVE TO KEEP ALL RECEIPTS WITH A RECORD KEEPING SYSTEM/EXPLANATION. I have an excel spreadsheet that is EXTREMELY detailed as well as the $$ owed for community debt and EVERY PENNY "she" used or took from Mom's account. My attorney is preparing for that case, I'll be there if I can because she'll have to be present in Court in AZ🤗🤗 FRAUD BEACH! She'll also have to pay my atty's fees/court costs.🤑🤑🤑

As long as they repeatable company I had ALZ. Org help me

I just want to say I also think you should return to your former life, but that is my opinion!

As far as the respite referral, I don't know, but I would start with asking the dr. office and get a few answers from different sources.

Good luck to you and your parent!

P.S. I was under the impression Medicaid had a 5 year look back?

Dear One,
I am 72 years old and I speak from experience of what you are going through. My answer is simple.
1) Listen to your own heart. You raised your children well be close to them, relocate to where they are to bring JOY to their lives.
2) Move your mom with you or to a care facility where you will be living. Florida has served its PURPOSE it is time to move ON to where your HEART wants to go.
Emi

It probably isn't necessary but it couldn't hurt - this tells the facility what her problems are but even more important it shows them that she see a dr regularly

HOWEVER .. You should listen to your kids - this is your cry for help & we all have been there is some way or another - when she is invading your dreams then your own subconcious is telling you that now is the time

On top of that I very highly recommend that you bring her to near your home - don't listen about the weather being nicer in Fla. because unless she goes outside often then she could be anywhere - the NH is always the same temperature inside year round - my mom is now 4 minutes away [used to be 40 min] & that is fantastic - I see her more often but for shorter time periods as her dementia is also severe

If you found somewhere close enough to walk on nice days that would get your exercise upped too & kill 2 birds with 1 stone - when you visit often & at different times of the day then they don't know when/if you will come so she will be optimized all the time -

Time to take back your life for you & it sounds like she needs more help than you can do physically anymore - congrats for your effort but it looks like it is time for the professionals to come on board

Yes. This is to prevent "dumping". Yes, people actually dump their parent(s) at nursing homes like people do their animals at a pound.
The doctor can also help with suggestions for places more capable to handle your Mother's particular issues
1. Is she wheelchair bound
2. Bed bound
3. Nursing home v assisted living group home
She will need to be tested both physically and mentally to help determine the type of care she needs.
You will need this also to provide to Medicare/Medicaid or any other extended insurance benefits she may have.

Hi Nightmare,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It does sound like you need a break. My expérience is that you do NOT need a referral from a doctor. But, if you want her care to continue with her current doctor you may want to ask him/her which nursing homes he/she actually visits. I was lucky to get a referral from my mother's MD. And, for the most part, I did find that he visited reasonably regularly. He had other patients in the same facility.

When you place someone in a nursing home - even for respite care - they will require a lot of information. My expérience is that they also required payment in full for the respite stay. My situation was different than yours because I lived in the same city as my parents. Therefore, I was able to visit daily. This could be a good opportunity for you to "try out" nursing home care.

I guess my advice to you is to discuss your concerns with your mom's MD. I find that doctors who care for geriatric patients do have some valuable insights. I always looked for nursing homes that were near major hospitals so that I knew where my mother would be taken in the event of an emergency.

One thought occurs to me. If you would be happier to return home on a permanent basis, have you considered moving your mother near your home. I did find that my parents "did not know where they were anymore" after a period of time.

I have been through all of the things that you described. Understand, that the burden always seems to fall on the shoulders of one family member. The others can manufacture all kinds of excuses for why they can't do more. My parents have both passed and now I am left with many feelings of ressentment towards my brother and his children who rarely managed to visit my mother. I am trying very hard to forgive this because it is not healthy, it does not accomplish anything, and it is not what my faith teaches me to do. My mother has been gone for over a year, and I still have dreams of her calling me for help. I still remember her facial expressions when she was in pain and when she was angry because I could not help her.

You have been good and dévoted to your mother. Acknowledge that you need and deserve help. Reach out to others who may be able to provide you with good information. That will give you some peace of mind. I know that you are exhausted. Find the help that you need as soon as you can. You will be able to make better long - term décisions after you get a little rest.

Many of us have been where you are and understand how difficult it is. I hope my words have been helpful.

Not exactly.

Is your mother on HomeHealthCare? If so, they can arranged for respite care for you.

I wouldn't suggest family because you are right. They don't care.

As for respite care, you don't need a doctor's approval but the site you use may request medical information such as last physical, flu shot and other details.

Each center is different. PLEASE pick a site with a memory center. Memory Center patients are kept in a separated, and locked area. They eat together and easily managed when they are together. They may ask if you the room locked or unlocked. MAKE IT LOCKED. Too often patients float from room to room and just make themselves at home.


Don't take anything of value for them and don't take any original pictures or identification(color copies are fine for most areas).

As much as would like to dress them in clothes they like please don't. Buy sweat pants. They are easier to take off and put on.

Buy plastic gloves, and body wipes. Don't fill a new prescription prior to entering them into respite care. Many sites will not take the bottle. They have back deals with a local pharmacy to package the medication in a sheet(be prepared to pay for it and to take it home with you).

Be prepared to have your loved not showered everyday. Most respite care centers for dementia have a schedule for showering. Your loved one may shower twice or three times a week.

Also be aware of any suggested medication the site may offer. If your loved one is too much of a hassle, they may suggest a medication to "calm" them down. They may have even give it to them without your consent and call you later just to report an issue and slide in they are giving them an additional medication.


Please know you are not alone.

You do not need a Doctors note or referral.
But if you are placing her in a facility, rather than having someone come in to care for her I am sure you will also need a note from the doctor that she is in good health as well as current prescription medications. And you will need them in the original prescription bottles with current refill info. You will also need a TB skin test (unless she has tested positive in the past)

May I also suggest that while she is in respite that you choose a place that she will transition to. She may do very well and you need your life back. I am sure if you two spoke about this 30 years ago she probably would not have wanted you to give up your life, your family to care for her.

No you don't, ALZ.org has a great respite program they offer up 900$ a month for respite you can use it to hire someone either to come to your mom or place her somewhere like ADC

I am amazed at all you have done for your LO, for so long. Too often, we take care of others, but not of ourselves.

We don't know where you are in Florida. But the Council on Aging locally can advise you on your options and also provide referrals. At least they do here in Indiana.

Try contacting them. https://fcoa.org/Resources

I agree that you should look in your home state as well.

It is time to get back your life while you still can.

MEDICARE only pays 20 days for skilled nursing facility but after 4 days in the hospital and is along the lines of rehab. "For days 21 to 100 of your stay, you pay $167.50 per day in 2018 as coinsurance. At day 101 and beyond, you are usually responsible for all expenses associated with your nursing home care."

https://medicare.com/coverage/does-medicare-cover-nursing-home-care/

Medicare Part A covers the hospitalization; Medicare Part B does not pay for custodial care (feeding, bathing, toileting, etc).

If you get her on hospice, which needs a doctor's order, you can have 5 days of respite care (or whatever the facility dictates).

IF she is on MEDICAID -- you can put her in a nursing home and it sounds like you need to do that permanently since you have health issues yourself and caregiving gets much, much worse as she ages. See her doctor to get that order. If she is not on Medicaid see your eldercare attorney about getting her Medicaid prepared.

“You fear you may be going into depression,” ya think....?

You’re on disability, you can barely walk, you’ve been uprooted from your home, you miss your children, you get no help or support, your mother can no longer interact with you AND you’re a full time caretaker of a virtual stranger!

If you were not depressed it would indicate to me that you’re just a machine, which you are not. You need something positive in your life to keep going because you are HUMAN! You have needs of you’re own and the top of the list is some kind of JOY to counter the burden of your life.

I cant answer your question but I say do everything in your power to make a change before your own body breaks down more than just gaining weight!

i can already tell you have symptoms of ptsd hearing her cry out when she’s sleeping.

If now is not the time to move her to a care home when will it be? It sounds as if she doesn’t even recognize you. Why are you killing yourself? Is this what she would’ve wanted when she was clearheaded? For you to sacrifice yourself while she is practically in vegetative state?

i wonder if it would be easier for you to place her in your home state so you can have easier access to her.

just wondering, because I have no experience here except for being a full time caretaker and my mom is fully cognitive and can still do a lot for herself. As a matter of fact, that is what I require of her as I have had no medical or geriatric training and I only have the strength of a gnat so I won’t be much help when she becomes incapacitated. Actually, I can’t even get her to do anything without a struggle. Not motivated by me at all.

Thats my world and I complain. Can you believe it? My life must sound like a dream to you. Go get yours back...RUN!

Good luck!
Charlotte

And no communication with your sibs. They will try to guilt or manipulate you into continuing with the status quo.

Have doc test for TB, it is required by law prior to entering a facility even if on a temporary basis.

I I want to thank everyone for their support it was greatly appreciated and needed . I tend to be a nurturer by Nature being the eldest but this had just gotten to be so overwhelming for me with no one here for support I found a lot of strength with the replies I've received. Much love thank you. We will be going to her doctor on Wednesday she was just there 2 weeks ago and I will speak to him about finding a place that I can take a break and think things out.
XO XO XO

Me again ~ Yes, I did have a Dr referral and they were gonna give me 3 days of respite on his insurance. Hugs ~ J

Hey 1954 ~

Went thru the EXACT SAME THING 9mo ago! Dad's Lewy Body dementia was EXHAUSTING!!!

It got so bad that at one time I was walking w/ my Boyfriend in the winter when dad had fallen asleep for 20mins and I asked him "Am I still alive or is this a nightmare?"

The toddler analogy you refereed to is spot on ~ It NEVER EVER EVER stopped.
I couldn't turn my back on him w/o something horrible happening.

I did finally put him in respite for me to get some rest and he passed away the second day. I knew I was just keeping him alive from hour to hour towards the end ~ And I have a disability also ~ Amputee from cancer ~ so it was EXHAUSTING!!! So I can relate.

Do yourself a kindness and put her in care where they are trained and have the manpower to help w/ this phase of her life. I waited way too long.

Besides that ~ The memories of his last months still haunt me daily ~
I should've,
Why didn't I,
Maybe if I could've ~~~

You're gonna be ok ~ Much love J

I'm not sure whether or not you need a doctor's referral for a short respite stay, I think that may depend on where you live and whether or not you have the money to private pay, I was able to send my mom to a nursing home for respite twice without a referral but they have since tightened up the requirements. When I finally hit the wall I sent my mom to a nursing home for crisis respite and I never brought her home again, after a couple of weeks without her I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore and was terrified that she might have to come home again before I found her a place.

No Nightmare1954 at least not in Ireland, it may vary in different Countries. Here We require Our Public Health Nurse to sanction Restbite Care for Our Elder or for Persons Who are being Cared for at home. Use it as it is a Free Service Here and Restbite Care is intended more for the Carer than the Elder as It will give You that deserved and long over due break from the responsibility of being a full time Carer, to rest and recharge or to re decorate....... Check it out but I think Your Elder is entitled to 04 weeks of Restbite Care in any one year.

Respite doesn’t need a doctor’s referral here, so perhaps it depends on where you are. Find a respite place that will work, and ask them!

Don’t let your mother’s decline in health break your own heart. You have already mourned this, so you need to accept the reality and its consequences. Your mother definitely needs more care than you can reasonable provide, from what you say. You need to know that she is safe, and you need your own life back. There are lots of posts on this site about ‘promises’ that I will never let you go into a nursing home, will care for you forever, etc, and how they simply cannot bind you forever when circumstances change. Any more than marriage vows bind you forever when things go seriously pear shaped. Start looking for a good nursing home.

Go Home! Use the air fares to visit your mother as often as you can, and get your own life back!

Dear Nightmare,
I am more worried about you at this point than I am your mom. You sound like you are at the breaking point and you need to do something NOW!
I remember feeling that way when I could no longer take it. I have lost hair from stress, gotten diverticulitis, insomnia, and felt like I was mentally cracking. If she didn't leave when she did, I don't know what my body would have done next.

Can she get to her doctor? I'm sure you'll get a referral.
If worst comes to worst, drop her at the Emergency Room and say she lives alone but you have been coming in to care for her. Tell them you need to go back home and there is no one is no one else to care for her. They will apply for emergency placement and start the application process for Medicaid.

Like Popeye said, "It's all I can stands and I can't stands no more."

Definitely seek therapy for yourself when you get back home. This doesn't go away over night.

Your children are right. Find a place for mom and get your life back in New York. Yes you need a doctor's referral/prescription to be able to place her.