Do I let my future mother in law move in?

Is your lady from a culture that encourages the elders to live with the children? Many other cultures do, and this may play into things. If shes not, she may just be so used to living with Mom that it seems normal to them both. The in law suite may be a nice idea.. but you do need to agree,, or bigger problems will be in your future.

I understand about the bond your fiancé has with her mom. I had the same kind of bond with mine. But when it came time to marry the man I love, I knew I had to chose him over her. My future was with him. Your fiancé doesn’t seem to understand this. Living with her mom could be a joy...or pure hell. No one has a crystal ball. I believe it’s time to give your fiancé an ultimatum. Not all places where your future mother -in-law may live would be cold and nasty. Many places have activities and are quite nice. Perhaps she fears living alone and on her own. Does it seem to you she is putting her daughter’s happiness and future second to her own?

If you unwillingly go along with her wishes now and are “desperately fearing” her decisions at the beginning, you are sentencing yourself to a life of “Yes, dear. As you wish, dear.”

"I desperately fear my fiancé will choose a life with her mom over a life with me. "

You and your fiance need to have an honest heart to heart talk about this before you say "I do".

In my opinion, two adult women under the same roof with a new marriage is a mixture set for trouble. Has she ever heard of leaving one's parents and cleaving to one's spouse or it that a boundary issue for her?

Thanks for the feedback, guys. To answer your questions... no, there isn't a cultural reason for this. I believe her mom wishes the best for her daughter, but I think she has trouble seeing that as a life apart. My fiancé feels she's caught between trying to make me happy and trying to make her mom happy (her mom has been quite vocal about not wanting to live alone). Ultimately, I suppose it will be decided by what makes my fiancé happy, and I'm afraid I already know that answer if I've gotten to this point.

Im just going to say that.. My MIL with Alzheimers moved in with us 5 or 6 years ago and it has been a total nightmare.. I regret ever agreeing to it.. I must be a terrible person but its driving me crazy.. Literally.. Ive had several breakdowns lately.. Ive grown to resent my wife and her mother because I feel the best years of my life are being taken from me and theres nothing I can do because I agreed to this 5 or 6 years ago and I made a vow to my wife.. I thought the disease would be fast progressing and she would not be here long and I was giving my wife peace by letting her take care of her mother in her last few years but boy.. Was I wrong.. Hers Alz is slow progressing.. She spits on the floor.. I have caught her feeding my dog her VOMIT.. Its terrible.. I have no reason to lie to you but Im warning you that you will regret it if you let her move in.

Daliobelly, your situation speaks to me, and what it says is CHANGE IT! You didn't sign up for what is, you signed up for what was at the time, and this is beyond the pale... If you don't want the rest of your life ruined, you had better sit down with your wife and discuss a nice memory care place for her mom, because she is at that stage, from your description of her behavior - isn't that right fellow posters? You are not a terrible person, of course; no one should have to put up with things like this, and your wife should not expect you to anymore; she should be very grateful for the years you have sided her, and have mercy on you now; I hope she loves you enough to do that....

If it's not cultural and your fiancee and her mother are still living together, with no plans to change that, it may be that they are heavily enmeshed in an unhealthy way. You have identified co-dependency and toxicity yourself, as well as boundary issues, so you know something ain't right.

Some people do pull this kind of situation off beautifully. But living with one of the parents is normally something that happens when the parent is ailing, and AFTER a couple has had time alone to build their life together as a unit, and make their relationship strong. In this way, they learn to present a united front. You won't even have a chance at that. And it's not like marrying someone with a child and becoming a stepparent. Taking care of aging parents is not remotely like raising kids, even when they are in their childish dementia phase. Because kids grow and develop, become better humans, become more independent as the years go by, and eventually leave home. Aging parents become sicker, forget things they knew how to do, sometimes become worse humans, become more dependent, and don't leave till they go in a care home or die, to be blunt.

Personally, as someone who is staying with my mother (I won't say "living with," because I'm still maintaining my own home, and I wouldn't call this "living," either), I would never bring a new partner into this situation. I don't think it would be fair to that person AT ALL. For one thing, my mom and I have had decades to work on our dynamic together, and it's not all roses and sunshine for ANY mother/daughter. Once my mom started getting dementia, it went straight back to the unhealthiest aspects of our dynamic. How is a new person supposed to even navigate through that? For another thing, it's an obnoxious amount of work once a parent's health and/or mind starts to go, and that's just unfair on the new person, plus that parent likely won't be able to live on their own in an in-law suite forever.

Your fiancee has basically said she and her mother are a package deal. You want your fiancee to change for you. That's the problem, I think. We can ASK for change, but we can't expect others to change for us. We can only change ourselves.

Listen to Hugemom and Daliobelly. They speak the truth!

To put it bluntly, her enmeshed relationship with her mother is covert emotional incest and is a bond that is not easily broken without much work in therapy. There are books written about this and this is what they call it.

As long as she is enmeshed with mom, she will not be able to emotionally bond with you and thus your marriage will lack the intimacy that it could have had otherwise. When I speak of intimacy, I am not talking about sex. The intimacy that a married couple can have goes far deeper that sex itself, but enriches one's sex life as a couple. 

She's 30 in terms of years and yet has never really left mom emotionally. That is a really deep enmeshment. Some men are likewise emotionally enmeshed with their moms and can't really bond with a wife. 

I suggest finding someone who has their own identity with healthy boundaries in relation to their parents instead of someone who is grown, but is emotionally still their mommy's little girl.

I am sad for this lovely young woman. If she wants to, she could get help to extricate herself from this co-dependency with her mother. I don't think it would be easy, but I hope it would be possible. If marriage is important to her, I would hope she would work on ways to make that possible. She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too.

Mom may be in your lives another 20 years. Think carefully about that! And think even harder if you intend to start a family.

I think you probably already decided what you were going to do before you even wrote to us. If you were asking for our approval, you didn’t get it. Most if us said you will be an “also ran”in this relationship, a “fifth wheel” so to speak. You will be able to have a say in what goes on, but they will have the authority and do as they please. I predict as time goes on, you will become withdrawn from your marriage. You will go your own way to keep your sanity while Mom and her girl do as they please. I sincerely hope I’m wrong and this threesome your fiancé has planned for your marriage works out for all of you. Best of luck.

Confused, does your future MIL have any health issues? Your profile says age related issues. 70 somethings can have no health issues, or 70 somethings can be in hospice. Perhaps you can elaborate to help us??
It seems to me that finances may be the biggest codependency. Seek information from your office of aging about senior housing. Low income senior housing brings an abundance of benefits. Socialization for the resident as well as access to other needed services can help your MIL now and even more so as she ages. There may be a waiting list, but get her on it now.

This type of living arrangement does work for some people, but, there needs to be a lot of respect for boundaries and good attitudes. You have already mentioned that they have boundary issues and at times raised voices. That might work with some people, but, for me, that would be a deal breaker.

When I was little we had 4 generations under one roof for awhile and it worked great, but, I don't think that is the norm. I'm not sure how old her mom is, but, depending on this, the arrangement could be a 30 year deal. I'd get it straight before the marriage though. Once, mom is included in the arrangement, I suspect it would be hard to change it.

I don't think daughter grasps that she leaves her mother and becomes your wife - in a sense she is already married - to her mother. I think you would not have a marriage - just a house-share arrangement.

Confusdinusa; I don't know if your mother in law has the option financially to live on her own ....but my mom could NEVER afford to live in assisted liveing ...so she has to live with us, her and my aunt... ,if this is the case you may just have to DEAL WITH IT!! If you love each other... nothing will get in the way!! It will just make your relationship stronger !GOOD LUCK!!

DORIANNE, I was clapping in my head as I read your answer! Absolutely on point and very realistic and mature.

Dear CONFUSED friend, in a nutshell, your fiancé and her mother are not going to change, neither as individuals nor in their mother/daughter relationship. The only possible change lays in your hands. That is the naked truth.

I’m not saying their family dynamics are healthy, as most emotionally healthy mothers don’t request to not EVER separate from their child.. all the opposite, they encourage the child to build their own independent life, even if that means a sacrifice for the mother.

But since you’re already engaged to your fiancé, I’m assuming you knew all about this heavy baggage she carries including your fiancé’s emotional unresolved issues, yet somehow you managed to accept it all, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked her to marry you.

So I’ll just tell you this truth that I sincerely believe: every situation can be as different as the people handling it. You may have a million people telling you that having your MIL living in your house in the MIL quarters will be a living hell. However I think it may or may not be a nightmare, depending on your personality, patience and love for your fiancé...AND depending on your fiancé’s ability to give everything its place and a place for everything.

Later down the road, having your MIL close by could end up being a benefit. If she’s not ill she could maybe save you guys money on future babysitters, or if she becomes ill, it’ll be a huge relief to have her so close. I won’t mention the negative possibilities because you’ve received plenty of information about that.. plus I think you know it. Yet, like I said, it all depends on the way you and your fiancé handle the situation.

I agree 100% with Dorianne in that I personally would never dream on including a third person in my current caregiving life, it would not be fair to that person nor to my mom or myself. But your fiancé’s situation sounds different than mine as it doesn’t sound like her mom is ill, and that definitely should make things a little easier.

You need to fully acknowledge the situation you’re accepting, including your role in it; make sure that you keep a clear communication with your fiancée now and always. But more importantly, ask yourself if you have it in you to deal with the “worst case scenario” of the situation you’re about to enter; answer that question very honestly. Then decide.

I hate for us caregivers to be seen as “damaged goods” of some sort, but truth should be said, it is not for everyone to embark in a relationship with someone that’s already committed to another relationship!

God bless and good luck Confused!

Magnum, I usually agree with your comments but "covert emotional incest?" Really?

I had a strong, strong bond with my Mom. She never expected me to move in with her and I never did although I lived very close. My bond with my Mom didn't interfere with my relationship, in fact, I think it helped it. My Hubs enjoyed the fact that I had someone else in my life who was emotionally there for me when he couldn't be. In fact, since my Mom died my relationship with my Hubs has suffered.

Having said that, if you have deep concerns about this you should not enter into a situation that you may be stuck in for a long time and you should be able to tell your fiance this without fear of any kind of backlash. After all, that's what partners do, they support one another.

But I had to share my side cause it isn't always unhealthy enmeshment when a mother and daughter are really close and I get weary of hearing all the horror stories about it cause sometimes it really is just a deep love, nothing unhealthy.

NO. Try to locate mom to live nearby or state "we'll have every Sunday together for dinner" and follow thru. This will spell disaster for your marriage no matter how great your MIL is.

Trust us. Your MIL will adjust (it will be rocky and she'll guilt her daughter big time for the first months or year) but she will adjust and should. You can ease the way by doing Wed night pizza nights, including her in some of your outings -- but her greatest gift to her daughter is to let her daughter embark on a new and joyous journey with her husband and create her own family.

If her mom didn't have her MIL or mother living with her in her marriage -- then she shouldn't expect same.

Help your spouse, have her come to this forum for strength and have her also talk with a trusted clergy or work friends on this issue. I'm sure all will advise "NO".

confusedinusa, in today's world someone in their 70's is still quite young. Age related decline is very normal, it just means we just don't have the same energy as someone half our age, our eyeglasses might need to be stronger, and we may forget names.

Does your future mother-in-law have other medical issues? Is she afraid to be home alone? Did your girlfriend started to take care of her Mom after her Dad had left?

Could you have a heart-to-heart talk with your future Mil? Find out what her expectations of you are. Without saying too much, mostly listening.

Maybe ending the great chat you just had with: "I understand that you don't want to live alone. Let me think on it, maybe we can come up with a plan for a comfortable place near us, or a shared rental you could afford."

Establishing a one on one relationship with your Mil will help alleviate confusion.
Is this pressure to move her in the only alternative, or, is her daughter pushing for this?

Keeping in mind the old adage (not always true):  This is how your wife may be in 20 + years.