My sisters organized a "memorial" lunch for what would have been my father's 85th birthday next week at a pub in trendy little town near by. This is not my mother's idea and drinking will take place. Am I wrong to want to opt out?

I have a big extended family too. I actually tired of these massive get-togethers when I was young.
Take your Mom to the memorial. Stay a little while. Then say something like, "I have to do something for Mom." Then spend the day doing something for yourself.
Also, do not allow anyone to "bunk" in with you. Tell them it would just be too hard both caring for Mom and entertaining guests.
You do not owe anyone an explanation about your decisions, nor should they advise you how to grieve.

Wrong? Hell no. You are as right as can be right. You have revealed it all and I can relate completely. Your decision is right for you, for your Mom and for the memory of your Dad. The guests want an "Irish wake" and it is not your desires. Invite any of these guests for a personal and private meeting with you and Mom if they wish for your (plural) health and happiness.

I'm 90 y/o and can well relate.

No, you are definitely not wrong to honor your own feelings. A simple, "I'm not ready for such a gathering" should be honored and respected. We each grieve in our own fashion.

I appreciate everyone's concern and advice. I attended the memorial lunch and it created a few good memories and also made me realize that taking care of my father during the previous year had made me stronger. As several of you mentioned, being the caretaker has always been my role with my parents, nieces/nephews, and younger siblings.My mother was ill for several years when I was a teenager. I do not have a problem with respectful drinking but knew that some of my siblings would allow it to get out of hand.

.I think some of your questions made me realize what was the most difficult part about the situation (although there are other issues):
My father suffered a great deal simply because family members enabled each other with not facing the truth and his wishes. I was finally asked to make decisions for Dad by the hospital at which my older brother has practiced medicine for over 30 years because he could not let my Dad go even though that's what Dad wanted. I did not tell some of my siblings even after my father died out of respect for the struggles my brother went through due to my family wanting him to make all of the decisions. It was something he had asked my parents not to do to him. He did attend the lunch which made it easier for me. We have a good relationship. Our family became divided during Dad's extended illness because no one wanted to "man up" and face or speak the truth. Since I am a very quiet and gentle person, everyone was shocked that I was also tough enough to do what had to be done.{ They haven't ever taught children. :)} My mother and sisters did not like to deal with the "icky" part of my Dad's long term needs. I am a special needs teacher and it is a daily part of my life, so I was not upset by bodily fluids, etc. At each hospital, hospice, etc, I became close to the nurses and therapists simply because I was there and helped when I could. My mother also asked me to arrange the funeral because no one came home quickly enough to help.Some of you asked about issues with anger. I think I have moved past anger and hurt feelings to a certain degree to the point that I know I don't like or respect some of my family members although I truly love them.I watched them treat most of the year my Dad was ill as an opportunity to party and then discuss it loudly in the waiting rooms of the numerous places Dad stayed. My father would not have been happy about that ,and I did not want this lunch to repeat those times. I have always been a peacemaker but realize I have to maintain my sense of respect, also. My mother changes when the "crew" comes to see her, and becomes verbally combative. I will just have to wait for her to calm down after everything settles down soon. Your concern and suggestions have made me feel more at peace about the situation. It seems that many of you have also experienced similar issues. Thank you for your help! I no longer feel like I am standing on an island by myself.

I had a very similar situation in my family. My Father passed away in July also. I was his primary caregiver we kept him at home. We had hospice for medication and equipment however they did not care for him. I really miss him, and I am my Mom's caregiver now. I would say if you can't don't!!! I know that I could not handle that and I would NOT even try...My sister recently got married again, and I am happy for her. It was sad for me! take care and I do understand the tears...

I think everyone grieves in their own way. Best to allow for that somehow if you can. And take care of yourself too. Memorials are primarily for the living, of course, though they ought not to be totally out of character for the deceased. On the other hand, a lot of people who know me might be suprised that I personally like the idea of a New Orleans/Irish funeral for myself; sure, shed a few tears unless you won't miss me at all, sing a couple songs I picked out at the church unless you genuinely hate them, but then please have do have some kind of a party and celebrate life that goes on! No need to get rip roaring drunk at it, but no need to abstain entirely if that's not your religion either. I'm Catholic and we do the drink but don't get drunk, aka "a little wine for the sake of the digestion" thing as St. Paul suggested.

My dad's funeral was a good one for the most part - my mom acted up a bit at the funeral home, but the service was what Mom and Dad had planned, plus a couple songs that had comforted me on those last few trips, in the Jefferson Memorial Chapel in Pgh., PA that reflected his love of American history. I felt justified in asking a Catholic priest to officiate just because Dad had experessed an interest in converting form Episcopal though he never did actualy get to, and that might have made a few of my Protestant family members a little uncomfortable beforehand but the guy did a great job and stuck a blow for ecumenism which drew compliments when it was all said and done. The family/neighbor dinner was at my Mom's favorite local Italian place, and her best neighbor/friend baked a batch of cookies for all of us, which most of us, especially my diabetic mom, did not really need. And I think that little gathering is what counted most. I went off and did my own little private rituals later. My husband was there too and supportive but laid back; my 22 year old daughter who also attended got a tatooo with his name and dates! My son chose not to attend and I let him off the hook since he'd visited more while Dad was still with us, and he talked more freely about good times they'd had later on after we all got back....

I guess I am saying, don't make people do anything they are super opposed to or uncomfortable with, and let the closest most heart-achy loved ones have something for themselves in their own style too. Just my $0.02.

Something I don't think we know yet, RLP, is if the memorial in the pub would be to your father's liking. I am assuming it would be (if your mother has consented to attend and your sister chose such a location) but maybe this is not a correct assumption? Even if such a memorial would be to your father's liking I don't think this means you HAVE to attend it. You honoured your father the most by being there for him when he was alive.

My Mom and Dad's generation was more interested in the big funerals and cermonies. Every Memorial Day we (meaning all the women in the family) would hall flowers down to the cemetary. It was their way of coping with family who had gone before.
I suppose I am more practical. In my teens and 20s I did not attend funerals...instead, I spent quality time with my loved ones before they passed. There were grumblings from a few family members, but I felt I owed them nothing....of course, these were the people who never showed up at the hospital or nursing home because it was "too painful" to see their loved one in "that condition."
I do not think doing anything in order to "keep the peace" is a good idea. It usually means that someone ends up being forced into doing something that they do not believe in. And, like RLP, I
would not participate in any "dog and pony show" cooked up by family members who need to express their love publically (there's a touch on NPD in that).
RLP: To each his own...if you want to opt out and honor your father in another way, on another day, then do so. IMHO I would not worry about fulfilling the wishes of your guests...I'm sure your father wouldn't have wanted you to either. Not everyone believes in the same rituals.

Im so glad that this was a good experience- and it sounds like
this experience helped u realize great deal, accept and see
with more clarity and compassion.
it certainly was a wonderful discussion- stirred up many emotions-
you are a wise and wonderful daughter-
im glad you shared something so personal with us.
I thank you and am very glad u dont feel like u are standing by yourself- because u definately are not -
K

Thanks RLP for letting us know what you did and how you fared. I am glad you have been able to move passed the anger you have felt for family members who did not "man up" during the time your father was ill. I know what you mean about still loving members of your family but not really respecting them. It takes a lot to kill love for family members but not so much to kill respect for them. I hope things go well for you in caring for your mom. I am sure that all that experience of being a special needs teacher will serve you as well in caring for your mom and it did caring for your dad. Our sick parents often require even more care than special needs children do. At least that's what I found when caring for my mom until she recently died.