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I was visiting my 86 yr old father in hospital his hematologist dr happened to come in while I was there… I asked him as we were walking out “ what his opinion was on my fathers future” as he’s been declining fast in my eyes. He gave his opinion as to what he would do if it was his father but clearly stated by no means is this what needs to happen. I told him thank you and we parted way. I felt I should talk to my sister dads (proxy) and let her know what he had said. She flipped out and said “I am his proxy don’t ever talk to another dr. Again. Any you need/want to know should come through my mouth." I was completely dumbfounded as to her reaction. She since then has given no updates. I visit everyday, I would never try any take her position as his proxy… she is letting this title as his proxy go to her head!?

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It sounds like something of an overreaction on her part, but to be fair to her you have strayed unintentionally into a sensitive area. Communication in health care settings, especially when the principal (the patient) is not able to be in control of decisions, can too easily get muddled, confused and broken: suppose as a result of this conversation that doctor, wanting the family's consent to some minor issue, asked you and you agreed and the first your sister knew of it was when it was all done?

And then on top of that there is the issue of confidentiality - only there, strictly speaking, the haematologist had no business discussing your father's prognosis with you and he's the one who wants a rap over the knuckles, not you.

So I can see *why* she feels anxious about controlling communication, but all the same she can keep her hair on. You couldn't very well ask her what that doctor would do in your family's place, could you? Phrasing it as nicely as you can, I should tell her something like "nobody's undermining you as Dad's proxy and obviously - in the way I just have - if I hear background information I will always pass it on. Calm down, dear."

Is she wrestling with any especially challenging decisions right now,* or has she always been a bit of a Napoleon like this?

*PS - what I mean is, the proxyship may be preying on her mind rather than going to her head. Would you say she's been handling it pretty well so far?
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"she flipped out"
Fear. Of what's to come. The burden upon her. Will she do the right thing etc.

Fear often leads to wanting to keep everything under control.

Of course you have every right to have a regular conversation with a Doctor. You are both humans right?

Was sis very close to Dad? She may be starting to grieve too. This will ramp up emotions.

Aim to de-esculate. Work together if you can.
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Is Dad of sound mind, meaning he can make his own decisions? If so your sister's proxy is not in effect.

Medical POAs/Advanced directives are not in effect unless the person has been deemed incompetent to make informed decisions or they are non-responsive and the person assigned then needs to make decisions based on the principles wishes. You were lucky that the Dr. answered your question because under HIPPA if Dad had not put you on the Hippa paperwork as someone to talk to, he shouldn't have. And if Dad is of sound mind, he can add u to HIPPA paperwork as someone a doctor can talk to.
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If you are not the MPoA or Medical Representive, you have no legal rights. Other family getting involved in complicated medical situations and decisions can easily confuse staff and make the MPoA's life more stressful.

It is possible your sister is following your father's Advance Healthcare Directive, something he himself would have authorized as guidance for his future care and your sibling is just trying to honor it while possibly disagreeing with it. Keep the family peace and ask your sibling how you can be helpful to her in this situation.
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MJ1929 Mar 2022
Holding MPOA and being on a patient's HIIPA are two different things. It might have been perfectly OK for the doctor to talk to her if she's on Dad's HIIPA forms. That hasn't been made clear here.
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