I love my mom. I know “things were different then” and I’m in therapy working through why I am the way I am. She’s planned a trip this spring by herself. She’s begged me to go with her, offered to pay. It would be just her and I. I go back and forth daily. No, I’m not going because over a week with her so far away from home I would be at her whim- and wrath. Yes, I should go because she’s my mom and I love her. It’s only x amount of days in my life and it could be the last trip I take with her. We lost my dad recently. You never know. It would make her so happy if I went. I’m the peace maker, emotional support, dependable child. My sibling has not had to deal with anything when it comes to her. While I recognize the generational trauma, it stops here. I’m working on it. My brain knows it would not be a safe space for me to go on this vacation, but my heart says suck it up, she’s your mother, do this for her. Please help. The guilt is eating me alive.
Have you written down all the Pro's and Con's on paper? (I bet the Con's list is longer)
One of the things that many people do not pay attention to is that "feeling" .....
that feeling you get in your gut when you walk down a dark street
that feeling that "something" is going to happen.
You are getting those feelings and you are trying to ignore them.
I would say for me it would depend on where / what the trip is.
If you can get away during the trip and do your own thing.... and mom can safely go off on her own
If you can stay at the hotel and lounge by the pool.... and mom can go safely on her own.
BUT if you HAVE to be with her every moment that would be a HARD NO for me.
Travel is already stressful and to add on a travel partner that you do not get along with would be an absolute nightmare.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. you are trying to protect an important, vulnerable person, YOU.
If you do decide to go just make plans that you leave at any time the situation becomes more than you can handle. That might mean purchasing a ticket home on your own. (and if this is a cruise that would be crazy expensive)
Might be time to do some work on you, being a superhero actually serves no purpose. Your sibling seems to have found some balance in her life in regard to your mother.
Keep in mind you are her equal, not a child who has to do everything she wants you to do.
Maybe a day trip now and then, she is toxic to you, take a stand for your mental well-being.
Good Luck!
Stop feeling guilty. Your mother is not a nice person. It sounds like she abused you as a child (emotionally at the minimum I don't know if she abused you in other ways too) and she is still using you as her whipping post verbally.
Here's the thing you don't have to do anything for your mother. She certainly doesn't deserve anything after how she treated a helpless and defenseless child. The fact that she is still doing these terrible things to you is reason enough for you to say, "No mom. I am not going on this trip with you." You could tell her the reason why but I am sure she would just blow that off as you being too sensitive or she would deny her abusiveness.
Yes generational trauma exists and we can say mom is the way she is because of how she was treated as a child. But is that really an excuse? Because if that was the case every single child that was abused would be abusive to their own children. The reality is that she chose to abuse her children. There is something broken and wrong in her brain and she lacks empathy for others. Sadly especially for her own children. It is all about her and her feelings and her needs and her wants. I say screw that. It is time for you to focus on you and your needs and your wants and to hell with your mother.
It would be a positive thing for you if your mother died. That's just how I see it when these abusers are still abusing their adult children and said adult children cannot cut off all contact (as they should).
Love her from a distance (if you must) but please stop trying to make her happy. If she endures just a small dose of misery as a consequence of her actions that would be a very good thing. She will never emphasize with what she did and is doing to you mentally but at least you are standing up for yourself and saying NO MORE. I will not allow this person to do this to me just because she is my mother.
I like AnnReid’s idea of day trips that can be cut short if it’s not going well and you can return home early if needed .
You don’t owe her a vacation . After my FIL’s wife died, he badgered us to accompany him on a cruise to Alaska “ because his wife would never go” . That’s not my problem . They had gone on at least 30 cruises together already in warmer climates. He could have gone without her to Alaska before his health and mobility got so bad , but I’m sure his horrible wife would have given him loads of grief over it , so that is why he would never go without her . Again not my problem .
We weren’t taking on the stress of being hands on caregivers for him on a cruise , wheelchair , walker , bags of Depends etc. I told him to hire an aide to go along with him ( he didn’t ). Not to mention hubby and I don’t even like the idea of being stuck on a ship and it’s scheduled off loads, pushing FIL around in a wheelchair and making sure we got back in time. It would have been a horrible trip.
You don’t have to go on a trip because you love her . And you dont have to go because it will make her happy. You are not responsible for her happiness. You should put your own mental health first.
Suggestion: maybe a weekend trip, rather than a full week? I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago with my mom (as well as a similar sibling relationship). It was a 3 hour drive for us, just a weekend. Despite my apprehension, I enjoyed the outing (a big part of it was because I picked the location and activities). Pretty sure a full week would've pushed my limits! Just a thought. My best to you in whatever you decide!
My mother said recently how she wished she could go on another cruise. My husband thought it would be nice for me to take her on one. But I am certain I could not do it. She’s tough and demanding and can turn on you. Not to mention she has heart trouble and is not mobile anymore. It would be a horrible trip.
It can’t happen now anyway since she is in a NH. So thankfully it’s a non issue.
Your mental health is WAY more important than any trip with your mom could ever be.
What you're feeling is grief not guilt. Grief that you didn't have the kind of mom you needed growing up, and grief that you never will. That's not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
So follow your brain on this one and kick that guilt to the curb.
Substitute other short, fun day trips that afford you an exit strategy.
You deserve that.
Loving someone does not mean being their doormat.
Making a plan with mom BEFORE the trip for a certain amount of time for each of you to be on your own (to go to different museums, activities or cafes or just be alone) will tell you loads about whether you should go.
Read up on Fear Obligation and Guilt.
https://outofthefog.website/