Do elderly know when they are dying?

The day before he died, some friends from church came to the nursing home to pray for my father. He'd never quite recovered from the delirium he'd experienced with sepsis. He kept saying, "I'm dying. I'm dying." Of course we knew his days were numbered. We just didn't realize how soon. He passed sometime in wee hours of the following morning. I don't know how he knew, but I can assure you, he knew.

Just want to say everyone's stories here are so touching. So sorry for everyone's loss. This website is so good when you are feeling down and alone. You read this and you know you are not alone and there are so many others that are going through the same things as you are. It is a real comfort.

I so feel for everyone who has gone through this.
In 2016, my Dad was lying in his hospital bed, so strong all his life but then all of a sudden in his late 80's so many hospitalizations. So trying to keep on, but in the end he had big swallowing problems and kept getting aspiration pneumonia. 

A Dr. came in and said "You will not get better." He had been in the hospital so many times in those last few months. He really had almost no veins left to put needles into. 

He told me, after that person left, "I'm ready to die." His mind was good. I was so sad to hear him say that. I started to cry as I had tried to save him for so long and he had done so well in the summer. Now it was Oct. and things had changed. 

Nurses suggested Hospice. I couldn't do it at first. Then I called them back and did it. It felt horrible - like giving up. But he went home where he had always wanted to be. (He didn't want to be in a nursing home.)

A few days later, in the morning, he got up, ate breakfast, shaved, read the paper as usual, and then said "I want to lie down..." (unusual). 24 hours later he was gone. He sat up once surprisingly, and talked to a friend that came in. He talked for a moment about seeing old relatives who had gone before him. And I know he talked to a wonderful young priest who was there for final rites.  
This is weird but the telephone rang just before he died and he yelled "telephone!" like he always did. That was the last word he spoke. 

Then we held his hands for about 2 hours on our knees... we said we love you, everything will be alright.. we did give him a little morphine at the end... I was so depressed later about maybe he was afraid... what is like... what is it? I don't know. But from what I saw, I think sometimes they do know and it's OK. 

My dad had a small stroke and was in the hospital. He got a bit worse and was left without speech but was still alert. He pointed to himself, then to the clock. Dummy me, I said, "Do you want to know what time it is?" He shook his head "no". It took me a few minutes to figure out he was telling me, "It's my time" (to die). He knew but, of course, I told him that he would get better, etc. He just closed his eyes for a minute. I cried, knowing he was right.

My dad is 91 and has been in declining health for nearly three years now. He asked his brother recently to write his obit. As I was going through his papers today, I noticed he had written a goodbye note to my mom (who is 89 and living), me, and my two brothers. It's sad - but, he can't even walk or get out of bed without help now. I think he knows his time is short. In his note, he said it was time to 'meet his maker.'

My mom called me in the day before she died. She was very anxious and worried. She had me call her financial advisor and told me where to find plans for her funeral, etc. I finally calmed her enough to help her get dressed and took her out to the garden where she ate a couple spoonfuls of ice cream. The next day my sister's family from London came to visit her. They went out for lunch and when they got back my mother was gone. God bless her. It's been 6 years and I miss her so much!!!!

janethend, of course you don't want to let him go. And, yes, that is selfish, but it sure is also natural! You do need to talk with someone. Come here as often as you like! Do you have a close friend or a cousin to talk with? That could help. Even if the person lives hundreds of miles away, email and phone calls can be very comforting.

It is the natural order of things for all of us to lose our parents. (It is especially sad when the reverse happens, and a parent loses a child.) At 83 and with a serious medical condition your father is very wise to be thinking ahead with the 5 Wishes (healthcare directive) and to be considering hospice. It is kind of a shocking wake-up call to you, but many people on this site would really appreciate it if their parent took that step. He must love you to give you that information and reduce the decisions you'll have to make. And, as you say, he is intelligent.

It is good you can talk to him every day. Give him plenty of time to get his words out, and perhaps be prepared to do most of the talking.

Hugs to you.

I really need to talk with someone. My 83 yr dad has stage IV COPD and many other problems and last weekend he gave me some papers from hospice and his 5 wishes. His every day life is getting harder and harder he last for about 2hrs in his chair and then he starts nodding off and if I don't leave so he can get rest he will make his self stay up (which I leave when he gets that way) He has no life outside his apartment he always was a very intelligent person and would speak in an intellect way but now he can only say a few words at a time. Me I'm a mess because I live about 88 miles from him and own my business so I can't see him everyday I go down every weekend. It seems to me that he is either giving up or just knows it's about time but I don't want to let him go. And that is so selfish of me. How can I deal with this. I call him everyday and he struggles to talk with me and after I talk with him I just burst out in tears.

I also heard some gossip about this topic from many that the person who is going to die have feel some fearful vibes and seen some angels and demon come near to them to catch along with them and the person is die.

I lost my dad last year and he was very peaceful in his last days. I do believe they know when they are in their last moments and I do believe that at times or maybe even every time an angel or Jesus is their to comfort believers. I just told him not to worry about us or his grandchildren that we would all be fine and he seen his youngest brother that he hadn't seen in a few weeks and when he left and I came back in Dad was gone. I know he is not in heaven yet but sleeping only and I look forward to meeting up with him again!!!

No humans are in heaven yet. God willing they will make it when the time has come but there are no deceased loved ones who are alive right now they are all sleeping still until Jesus comes again.

I don't think you can rely on a person's unsupported belief that he is going to die. On the other hand, if that belief leads to his getting his affairs in good order, and perhaps discussing with you things you need to know, what's the downside? God willing, he's wrong; but if he's right at least you have shared this valuable time.

Yes, I believe they do, as so many others have said. The night before my dad passed away, he began talking to me more than usual. Since he was saying some things my mom needed to hear, I went to tell her. She joined me, one on each side of his bed. He said he was sorry for not being a better husband and father. I asked him if he had not been a wonderful husband and dad, why would we be with him? I think he wanted forgiveness and to know everything was right between him and us. We listened until he became tired. That was the last time he was able to communicate, except to squeeze my hand the next day when I told him I had to leave for a couple hours, but I would be back. He squeezed my hand as a sign of understanding, and he waited for me. I had been back less than an hour when he stopped breathing. I would like to think he heard me as I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him as he was beginning his new journey. So, again as so many others have told you, listen (record, if you can) to what your mom is saying. Reassure her if she seems concerned about her last wishes and about you. The Hospice nurse whispered to me, just before my mom passed away, to let me know her breathing had changed. Mom passed immediately after I told her, if it was time for her to join my dad and others, I would miss her terribly but understood. I reassured her that she and my dad had given me all of the tools to live a happy and secure life and not to worry about me. So, listen, reassure, express your love...and, more or less, let her know that all is well with you. My mom's greatest regret was having to leave me behind, as she put it. I am sure that is what your mom is thinking, too. The Hospice nurse should be able to make you aware of the beginning of the end. May God bless the Hospice nurses and all of you who are caring for ill and elderly loved ones. You will be in my prayers and thoughts as you are being such a dedicated daughter at the time you mom needs you most.

My husband's treasured mantle clock stopped at the exact time of his death, near as I can figure. I don't know if it stopped right THEN or 12 hours before . . . but still.

Mom was at the bedside of her dying sister who was also addled by drugs and suffering body reflexes she didn't know were happening and couldn't control. Mom leaned over and whispered in her ear: "Gladys, you can go now, Everything is all right." My aunt passed in just a few minutes.

There's a veil, folks. And sometimes, as death is near, I believe we get a brief glimpse behind it. I believe that just as sure as the sun's comin' up in the morning,

I think some people do. And some people don't.

My husband knew he was dying. Of course, he'd heard a terminal cancer diagnosis; did he know when? No, I don't think so. By that time, he was so far under the influence of drugs, he couldn't have known.

Mom is in the process of dying right now. I don't think she knows. She's also addled by narcotics to calm her . . . but dayem! If she still doesn't find a way to smile when I pet her.

I'd like to believe that as the time grows near, our bodies (in the case of a sickness death) release endorphines to both confuse and protect us from the knowledge that the end is very near. We are near-perfect evolutionary beings, after all. Seems like death would be taken into account someplace.

I just wish it were easier. Maybe someday . . .

rbrown777, I would not argue with Dad about his premonition of death. Thank him for being so responsible about taking care of details. Assure him that you will miss him whenever he goes. You hope it is not so soon, but you will be OK and be able to continue on. Spend your time together in the following weeks sharing special memories, and perhaps making a few new ones.

Maybe he is right that death will be soon. Maybe he is wrong. But he will certainly die sooner or later. Having his affairs in order, including making peace with loved ones, is a reasonable thing to do.

Yes i belive the dying do know but it is hard for onlookers to be sure. When other signs are present it becomes more obvious but some times older people say things to be manipulative. If you have hospice be sure to tell him/her what is going on and ask their opinion, they usually do know. many people will try and put their affairs in order and plan their funeral in advance and even write their obituries. y all means have the funmeral director visit so all the practical things are taken care of. it is very common for the patient to see spiritual visitors during the preceeding weeks. they may be family members or friends who have gone before or complete strangers. these are often mistaken for hallucinations but they are not, they are a sure sign of approaching death. often the patient will appear to rally usually the day before death. they may become alert be very talkative and even eat a hearty meal when they have only sipped water for weeks. family often think this is a good sign and the patient is actually getting better. it is not so but enjoy this day before they slip back into a coma. certainly give them permission to go home and see whoever is waiting on the otherside. reassure them the family will allbe fine. Ask them to for give you of any wrongs you may have done and tell them you forgive them. if they would want call the priest or minister to visit. often lapsed chuch members will rewuest this in their last days. allow any family member who wishes to have alone time with the dying person to make their final farewells nad recieve private messages. another sign apart from the obvious of reusing food or drink and changes in the body is the behaviour of pets. Often a dog or cat will spend up to 2 days at the bedside umtil the patient passes. They will not leave for any reason and may refuse food or water.

Rbrown what your dad is telling you is the truth. his wife is calling him now and has been since she died but now he is listening. My guess is he will have died by November.
I will loose this post if i go back and check but can not remember the name of the poster whoose loved one had a slowing puse and oxygen sat. Is the patien recieving digoxin? This can becoem poisonous and dangerously slow the pulse. As death approaches it is common for the pulse to rise and the blood pressure to drop, so a slowing pulse is not a usual sign of approaching death. Blessings to everyone.

my dad has recently dropped about 22 pounds in about 2 months. He is 77. His bloodwork is good, no diabetes etc...However, he has been constipated off and on. Had a colonoscopy- all good. No pockets, polyps-nothing a healthy colon. He cannot sleep has major insomnia and can't taste food. He is insisting that he is going to die. He made me come over to go over his affairs and show me where everything was so if he dies, I can take care of everything. He is insisting he won't make it into November. I asked if anything else was going on, I asked if he had pain and he continuously tells me no. He just has a feeling this is it and that he is going to continue to lose weight and not sleep, then die. What is going on? What do I do? I had him at the hospital twice bc we thought it was a blockage due to constipation-all good. He did have a UTI but it is cleared up. I don't know what to do. I forgot to mention my mom passed 5 years ago and they were married for 50 1/2 years. He tells me my mother is calling him up.

My dad passed in October 2011. 5 days before he passed, he took the opportunity to say his goodbyes to my sis, bro and myself. Each was specific and individual and he was the clearest he had been in weeks, even had his old sparkle in his clear blue eyes. After he was done he said he wanted to rest. About a half an hour later he was trying to get out of bed. When I asked him where he was going, he said the burial ground. The hospice nurse asked him where he thought he was and he said the funeral home. He had been talking to friends and family that had passed for 3-4 weeks before he passed. And he too kept insisting he needed to go home - not the home he lived in but his home on the other side. It was very strange to watch, to live through and yet I'm so glad I was there with him because he always felt safe with me so I know he wasn't afraid. My suggestion would be to write down anything they may say during that time - I so wish I had written word for word what dad said to me in his goodbye. I now realize I wasn't facing the reality of the situation. He'd had many close calls but always came out of it. What I didn't pay attention to was that this was the first time he ever said goodbye. God bless all of you ~ Kuli

My dad died a year ago. 3 days before he died, unexpectedly he moved a huge amount of his money from one bank to another, that actually made it easier for me to use it to care for mom. He died from septic shock following an infected gall bladder. No one knew he was sick.

Sandylu, Talk to her calmly, telling her it's alright for her to go. Explain to her that you love her, and you will always be a part of her as she is with you. Tell her there is nothing to be afraid of, I know because I have been there. Heaven or what ever you believe in is a beautiful place. I got sent back and I didn't want to come back here. It's very peaceful in heaven or what ever you perceive it to be. I saw my dad and my grandfather. It was a very sunny day with bright green grass and a very gentle breeze. My grandfather held one of my arms and my dad the other and they said "You must go back it's not your time" I remember looking back and I was barefoot and you could see where I dragged my heels in the soil from fighting to stay. Hold her hand , keep stroking her arm and face, head and just reassure her it will be okay. That is what I did with my mom back in Jan 2013. The day before that I was standing at the foot of her bed , she lived with me, and her CNA was bathing her and mom picked up her head, looked at me and mouthed I Love YOU. that is the last she spoke. She passed the next day at 9:37.

Sometimes.

After a head injury my husband insisted he was dying. The doctor said there was no reason to think so, but sometimes patients know best. We pulled all the grandkids out of school and brought them to the hospital. He did die ... 19 years later!

He saw his dead brother while he had dementia, but that was 9 years before he died.

At the very end, in his last half hour, he did seem to realize that he was dying, and he told me he loved me as he held my hand.

So, do elderly know when they are dying? Sometimes.

This is a very dificult question to answer, because involves diferent conditions: cultural, social, sentimental, logical, etc. I am sure that it is very posible, because I have seeing diferent situatiuons like when a brother 33yo. had a strike and died a few hours later. Some two hours before he asked an aunt, the only familiar presente to hold his hand, because he was dying. And a friend and old strong nice lady of 93, who arranged correctly all her papers in advance. And called her daughter (Living in another country) because she fell the end. She was correct. In resume, we are made to born and depart, with no exceptions, so, we have to understand it, and if you accept it, then I don´t see why not pre-viewing or pre-feeling. There are plenty of examples around.
See the writes of Drs. Kubler-Ross and Boss.
Yes, hear your mother, she knows better (sometimes)
Prays and hugs for all

All great answers above. I wrote the same things. Mom knew cause she called me on the phone to tell me so. I already wrote my post a few days ago, but the "helpful answer" click is NOT WORKING, so I just decided to write.
To all who's parents are still alive--please listen and HEAR what they are saying to you. They are right and know what they are talking about. It's not just "sick talk, or "alzheimers talk" It is FOR REAL.

I do feel that they know... very often they will talk of family members who are gone or in heaven. My Grandmother and her Mom(my Great Grandma) were very close in this life. When my Grandma was dying she was very anxious to see her Mother again. I have had the priviledge of caring for my Grandfather, who we called Poppa, my Grandmother and my Father. My Father was very quiet as he always was however he was very peaceful too! I would encourage you to listen and respond when you need to however realize they may be seeing things you cannot. take care....

Yes...they know. As much as we don't want to believe it's happening..they do know. Take every opportunity that you can to be there..tell them you love them, kiss them on the cheek, tell her you will be okay, the dying process is agonizing at times so if you can ease their mind by telling her that she can go when she is ready...it might go easier. When it was close for my mom...we had all my siblings on the phone telling her they loved her. It was something that you will never regret doing...as much as we hate to see them go. It is inevitable and the better prepared you are the easier it will be.

I sincerely wish you peace right now with all you are going through. My mom often said that she would never make it to "so and so" thing or "so and so age". She knew she was older and there was a possibility of not making it to certain things. That was very different then the night in the nursing home when she told me she was dying. I sincerely didn't want to believe that she knew something like that and I actually just confirmed it that yes, her body was giving out it seemed. I wanted to think that her saying that was like all the other times that she seemed to feel that way but I knew this was different. What I failed to realize was just how quickly she would pass away after saying that. She was gone 2 days later and I live with the guilt constantly of not taking that statement more seriously at the time. Mommy knew. She hadn't talked in over a week but she was able to tell me that. My own denial was my problem. Even after caregiving and b---hing at times about it, I didn't want to admit that mommy would be gone. I certainly think that they know and I also think that giving them the "okay" to go, is important to the process for some people. Just make sure you have said and done everything that you feel you should. Don 't have regrets afterward (which is easier said then done). Hugs

Sure they know. Maybe not when, but they know. I watched my mom pass and the hospice worker told me it would be very soon. My mom got very coherent and awoke to give me all kinds of advice. She also told me that her special angel had been by to take her to heaven. After she went back to sleep, she was gone within the hour. The worker told me correctly. I am glad I was there.

Yes, many of them do. It sounds as if your Mom has this knowledge as well. It could also be the result of her physical decline at this particular time, which would naturally cause her to feel very ill. As a nurse, I have experienced many times with a very ill or not so very ill patient informing me of angels in the room, deceased loved ones visiting or in the room, and or Jesus there (if they are believers). In every case when this happened, I can say without fail, that the person passed within 24 hours to at the most a week. Your Mom may be facing what she knows will come to pass and want to take care of some things, so that you are spared having to do this. My heart is with you, as my own Mother passed in January. She had similar experiences over the final month and week of her earthly life. Good advice from the person below---let her know you are with her and will help her with this.

I think there are physiological symptoms that those with illnesses can intuitively recognize as nearness of impending death. If you think about it, they have been navigating the ups and downs of their illness (and their life!) from the inside as we have from the outside. They are the first to feel, notice, deal with a bodily cue and we count on their communicating it to us. The intraspection your loved one is sharing is worth noting as something they have the need to share with us at this moment. I also think that an elder (parent, guardian, etc.) might still be in advisory mode, trying to alert us in preparation for what is upon us. Much like, " You have a test tommarrow. Is your homework done?" Or " Have you been putting money aside for an emergency?" And, philosophically, who can estimate how long "soon" is when comparing to the lenght of 80+ years. Remind your loved one that you are there for them and will try to accommodate them at every turn. No matter the duration, you undoubtedly will be holding their hand physically by their side or close within your heart.