Do any of you still suffer burnout after the death of your love one?

I thought that I would be 'all better' after mom's passing in 3-4 months. For the most part, that has been the case. But the holidays were very hard, DH is having some health issues which cause him constant pain and he is like a bear with a hangnail--he's just crabby and rude. I don't need this--and while he does NOT understand that I am simply grieving for so many things--he thinks that I need to be more 'stoic' as he is and not have all the feels. Well--easy for him to say, he is pretty much emotionless unless the subject turns to politics, then he comes to life!

So I have decided I need to see my old therapist. IDK if she can take me back, but I need her cool, calm advice.

Things were 'ok' between mom and myself when she died. I was secondary CG and didn't do a lot, but definitely much, much more than any of the other sibs.

I think that for me, accepting that I am now and 'orphan' and watching my family fracture into pieces--which I knew it would--I am grieving the loss of the one last person who kind of kept us all 'together'.

It is what it is. I have to accept, change and move on. Tears will flow at the strangest times and that's weird b/c I really am not a crier. Somedays I just feel crummy. The weather here has been phenomenally snowy, but that's GOOD, since we're almost always in a drought. But the ice and snow keep me stuck in the house.

I am doing better, so slowly. I am taking on some projects and I know that giving service will help me heal.

I wish you the best. This is hard and there's no actual timeline to follow.

((HUGS))

Yes! Me~ I haven't worked in over a year. My husband died in 2016, and I continued to work. Finally, my job ended and was outsourced. I was given a choice of retirement. I retired, and I had all of these goals in mind to later fall through. I became like a fish out of water. I kept hearing that I was old. Of course, this was going on in my head. My confidence dropped to a new level. I pulled out my sewing machine, and it's still sitting on the kitchen floor. My home is a mess with unfinished chores, and fabric I bought and never used. I figure this is grief I wasn't allowed to feel fully. I just need to put away clean clothing and bedding. I had been ill myself for the past year and suffered from fatigue and a fall. My heart hasn't been the greatest and the shortness of breath and dizziness was pretty bad. So, yes. There is a delayed response sometimes followed by despair, loneliness and depression.
I did manage to keep up with appointments, but I got tired of the runaround from these staffing agencies. Some days I don't even bother about getting out of bed. It's all burnout, grief and depression, not only from losing people I love but also from this ongoing pandemic.

Depression and anxiety. The anxiety is worse for me.

You are suffering from depression not burnout. You need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist or a psychologist ASAP and get counseling which will help you to cope with your depression.

Allow yourself to grieve. Depression and grief is challenging (I'm going through it although I'm decades older than you).
* Get into a grief group if possible.
* Get support wherever you feel / find it (church, Meet Up group(s) a professional therapist.
* Realize grief takes time.
* If you need to be in bed all day and you can do that, do it ... try to get little breaks in-between - perhaps giving yourself 5-20 minutes - an hour - to clean up, wash dishes - any distraction that will serve some purpose or get yourself outside for a little while - looking at nature - trees, flowers, birds. Anything to re-focus.
* Allow yourself to feel. This is a time to allow feelings to flow through you. Do not push them away - as they get stuck and these stuck feelings stay there - often year after year - until you allow them to naturally process through you.
* This is a rough time for you. It is for any one of us although you being so young, it seems like it would be more challenging ... although I don't want to sound like I'm patronizing you. I am not. Often life experience teaches us how to handle situations that pop up again. So many of us have more life experience here (we are OLDer).

We care. I appreciate you reaching out to us here. Here's a hug.

Gena / Touch Matters

Yes, it does sound like you are suffering more from grief and depression than burnout. For three years you were focused on your grandmother and her wellbeing, and God bless you for that. Not everyone can or want to be someone's caregiver. But, now it is time to focus on you and the things that you have been missing out on. Get up, enjoy your new job, you will meet new friends and experiences that will uplift your spirits. No one can tell you how long or how you should grieve. I agree with some of the other posters that you should absolutely join a grief support group, you will get more out of it than you can imagine. And, remember Grandmother will always live in your heart. I wish you all the best!

my beloved husband died on Thanksgiving. What I experienced was not burnout" but grief and regret and guilt. I'm very tired. I'm blessed with great family, great neighbors. My grief is that of any wife of 52 years. I was able to care for him at home for a year. Now I wish I could have more time. I'm 86 years, was 34 when we married; sorry we did not marry when we were young enough and could have kids. But...

Petrasmall12: You are not alone. After I lost my dear mother in 2014, whom I had been living with and caring for out of state, I sought the short term help of a counselor/psychiatrist to get me through some sadness. A red flag for me was when I burst into tears at my church; a favorite hymn of my mother's opened the flood gates. Please seek professional help. Hugs sent.

To expand on my Yes further down,a good therapist can really be a big help in dealing with what could be tough feelings emotions and things.

A grief counselor told us it can take up to two years to fully process the death of a close relative/loved one, not that life stops but the adapting to the space in our lives now being 'empty.' Burnout, maybe, which sometimes is even grief that comes before the loved one's death; it's draining, sad, can even provoke anger on one level or another. Not wanting to get out of bed can be a sign of depression and it can also be taken as you need a lot of rest after stepping up for your loved one, kind of a 'let down' from being 'on' for so long. Let yourself rest; find a grief support group so you can witness the various forms of grief that people can experience; there is no one way or timeline for grief. And it tends to go in cycles: you feel 'better', then another spell of 'lost/loss' shows up: it's normal and natural. When significant family members pass away it is like needing to recalibrate our internal 'compasses' because those 'beacons' are no longer there and it takes time to adjust and develop new 'guideposts.' All the best.

It takes time. Gradually you will build a new life for yourself. Don’t put deadlines on your recovery, just sleep if you need to, take vacations, etc. really good of you to care for your Grandma as you are young! The tools you leaned will stay with you for life, and the time spent will benefit you in many many ways throughout life. Kudos to you! Try to get some exercise in, even if just to stretch and walk. I’m 57 and got very burned out. I’m starting to rebound. I get the not wanting to do things. I’ve got musical instruments I have not picked up in awhile. You have youth in your side. God bless!

Please make an appointment with a grief therapist:
(copy and paste)
https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

I lost mom in late August and then had heart surgery 2 weeks later.

Yes, the way you feel sounds more like depression. That's normal, but needs to be addressed. My psych doc found out mom had passed and he had me come in a little early for my 6 month checkup. He spent over an hour with me and I felt better after talking with him than I thought I would.

Grief will linger and it's always hardest around the holidays. I look forward to a new year of 'new hope' and taking care of myself.

You are young yet--please get some help. A year is too long to experience raw grief. There's phases of grieving and it's important that we go through each one, and not get stuck in any one of them.

((Hugs to you))

My brother died suddenly in September, although he was not too well, however we experienced love and kindness for each other. He lived with me for 4 years as his caretaken i was determined to help him. He had many years left i believe. I was so devastated and to this day i am much better but missed him alot. I live alone now and have no family so its hard for me but i have been scheduling outings and being very positive.

well there is no real answer to your question - it depends on how you handle things! i am 76 my mother died when i was 37 - 2023 will be 40 years and i still miss her very much and have crying spells. some people manage to tuck things away in their minds and have a quick thought and move on. Good Luck and God Bless You

You do need some counseling dear. Sounds like depression. There’s probably more, just like you said, to the picture. At a minimum, I suggest a caregiver support group face-to-face could be a good place to start. It’s free. You’re very young to have cared for your grandmother and her passing…that’s a lot to deal with. Once you start hearing other peoples stories you can begin to not feel so alone as you deal with the loss of your grandmother. And maybe the support group that deals with the death of a loved one too.

Anyway thank you for reaching out. it shows you care about yourself and that’s good that you’re not so numb as not to care. Your acknowledgment that something isn’t right is healthy. It’s love you have for yourself, like you would have for a friend if you saw them in this way. Good for you. Now step out some more. Keep reaching out and little by little it will get better. please. Big hugs.

You lost not just your grandmother- but also the way you lived life (3 years as a personal caregiver is a long time). You don’t just need to adjust to life without your grandmother but also a whole new schedule. Congrats on your new job, but you’re right. Change is hard. I love that the responses coming in suggest counseling - I think you’d really like it. And May I suggest you check with your own doctor about possible depression. They know the questions to ask to determine if it’s a concern. Just something to be handled short term - for long term happiness. It’s also always good to rule out other things … like a low B12, etc…. And don’t forget to eat right and exercise …. Take care of you. There’s no doubt a burnout aspect to it as you’ve put someone else’s needs above your own for three years. Honorably so. But now it’s time for taking care of you. Like they say on airplanes - put on your oxygen mask first. Being your healthy self makes you available for YOU and for whatever else comes into your life.

I am in agreement with many others who have suggested that you seem to be experiencing depression, which is 100% normal after a loss. I think starting with your PCP would be a good step to make sure all is well physically and tell them about your depression. They can refer you to a psychiatrist or they can even prescribe antidepressants themselves if it’s needed.

You can find a therapist through your insurance, call them via the number on the back of your card and they probably have a website that lists providers. I also found my therapist on Psychology Today and all of the sessions are done remotely.

I would also look up books by David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler Ross - they have a wonderful body of work on death and dying and grief.

Not sure the details of supporting your Mom, but I think this is something you could talk to your therapist about. I’m concerned that you’ve been such a support to others in your young life that your hopes and dreams have been placed on the back burner. Through my caregiving, I have been learning how little people will value your service and how little they will care about your life when they’re getting their needs met through you. It’s a hard, lonely and disappointing lesson.

Life has its ups and downs. But the 20s should be all about you!

I am sending heaps of love and support! All you need to do is pick up the phone and schedule that PCP appointment and the ball will be rolling.

xoxo

Hello,
There are several things that it sounds like you are most likely experiencing:
1. " Caregiver exhaustion"
2. Grief
3. " Spiritual distress" ( reduced or loss of meaning, purpose, hope and direction)
4. ??? some level of depression

I urge you to begin with obtaining professional grief support either 1:1 or a grief support group facilitated by an appropriately trained professional.

Also be sure that you are seeing your personal PCP ( primary care physician) for assessment of potential physical or other emotional needs that may be impacting your life.

If you practice a faith, reach out to the professional faith leaders of your choice for spiritual support.

If you do not practice a faith, consider reaching out to a community based or hospital based chaplain for support and referrals.

You need 1:1 and potentially group support NOW, to begin healing and recovery.

Also be sure to get some form of physical exercise each day, stay hydrated with water, go outdoors in nature , and begin journaling your feelings,thoughts if you have not already done so.

Call 911 immediately if you find yourself in crisis.

Also remember that this " holiday" time of the year exacerbated and intensely affects and increases grief and other emotional needs.

It seems to me there is more going on here than the caregiving and death of your grandmother, which in itself is quite enough. You write below that you have to help a lot at home and you feel stuck. This, I gather is apart from what you did for your grandmother. I think I see why.

You are young to be caring for a grandparent. Was there no one your mother or father's age who could do this? At your age your job is to launch yourself into your own life apart from your parents, yet you still feel tied to help at home. Is your mother unwell? Does she essentially need to be cared for? All this is too much for you.

Please fill us in a bit more about why you feel stuck and about your your mother/parents.

Getting a physical exam to check up on your health is good, and counselling can help you with your grief and also to identify your needs that are not being met. (((((((hugs))))))

I suffered burnout after caring for my mom for 3 years as she was dying from cancer. I was 67 when she died and totally and completely worn out physically and mentally. She had been cruel and spiteful at times, but I knew it was because cancer had advanced to her brain. It takes time to recover from something like that. Fortunately, you’re young and have time to heal. Take time to thank God for small blessings. Is the sun shining today? Did your car start this morning? Are your shoes comfortable?

Yes takes a couple years to recover . Go find a therapist to talk to or grief counseling and go on a trip where there are young people . I like to stay at youth hostels . A trip is a good cure .

It has been a year but you are telling us symptoms that sound like clinical depression. I experienced the same low energy symptoms after a brutal college semester many years ago. It took a little time to crawl out of it. Can you make an appointment and talk to your doctor about what you are telling us?

Petrasmall12, did you have any contact with friends before you cared for your grandmother?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Once you have a checkup with you doctor and have grief therapy, this is a good time to reunight with some. You are very young with an entire life ahead of you, but take your time.

Yes

It sounds like you were very close to your grandmother. Certainly after being her caregiver for three years, it’s normal to experience some strong and difficult emotions. You’re no longer caring for your g’ma so it’s not burnout you’re experiencing but more like depression and grief. Experiencing grief is the result of losing a loved one and sometimes can cause depression. The two can exhibit similar symptoms and can co-exist, but depression is medically treatable, grief has to be worked thru. Your depression symptoms should be addressed immediately but grief may linger on. Grief should eventually subside and should completely wane after a while when it’s possible to accept the loss and move forward. But awhile could be several years. There is no definitive time when someone should resolve their grief, we’re all different. So speak to your dr. about your depression. Even after depression treatment the grief may not be resolved.

Complicated grief is when emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life. This could be 3 to 5 years after your loss. If that happens, and even before if you choose, grief counseling by a professional can help.

Petra, the fact that you've been wondering about your burnout/depression/lack of energy symptoms since March of '22 should be a wake-up call for you.

You are young and presumably healthy. But you've been feeling badly for a long time now. Please make an appointment to see your doctor and get a thorough checkup with blood work. Make sure that there isn't something physically amiss.

Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist for an equally thorough evaluation of your mental health. Be open to the idea that anti-depressants may do the trick in lifting your depression and getting you started down the road to recovering your joy in life.

You say in another post that you work because you need to help your parents. Don't get trapped into living ONLY to be of service to other. You also need to identify your own life goals and needs.

After nearly a year of no caregiving, you're likely experiencing depression now rather than burn out. When you stay in bed all day and have no interest in daily life, those are hallmark symptoms of depression. Please call your PCP for a consultation about your symptoms and a discussion about antidepressants and or therapy to recover from your loss.

We all need help sometimes when life gets hard. I myself did in 2000 and I waited too long to call my doctor, causing myself too much pain and anguish unnecessarily. Once I was prescribed an antidepressant, it was as if a switch was flipped inside me and the dark cloud started to lift rather quickly, thank God. I was able to wean off of the meds eventually too, so that was good, and everything worked out well. Medications serve a useful purpose for us when they're used as prescribed.

Wishing you the best of luck.

It takes time and caregiving likely changes you in profound ways. I cared for my mom for four years, then she was placed in a facility for two years until her death five years ago, now. I still do not enjoy things I used to. My situation was such a dysfunctional family experience that I feel like I have some PTSD as a result. I now enjoy my own space, the lack of activity and just plain peacefulness of my life. I do what I want, when I want and don't have to answer to anyone, all of which is fine with me, but I am much older than you.I

It is great that you have found a good job! Do what you can to keep it. Have you gotten any grief counseling, that might help. Hospice organization offer free group therapy and most it doesn't matter whether you used their hospice services or not.

I'm sorry. I've noticed that I posted this same question sometime before. I will look at the other comments from that post. Thank you