I am trans (Female to Male) and wear "male clothing" such as ties. I am pressured to keep in contact with my grandfather. I am pressured to meet with him, but the family tells me to take off my ties. Grandpa is of sound mind. My parents and uncle say that the ties will upset him. I haven't seen or spoken to him in years, since knowing that I transitioned would hurt his feelings and I didn't want to cause him pain. My compromise was not to hurt his feelings but also not to hurt my feelings by pretending to be someone I am not. My parents can make something up for why I can't speak to grandpa, like I lost my phone or am out of the country. I don't waive it in anyone's face, but I don't change my style of dress for anyone. I am considerate, so if it's an event at a nice restaurant, I will wear "male" dress pants rather than "male" jeans, which I wear normally, but I will not wear a dress or skirt just to please someone's emotions. Because grandpa grew up in a conservative environment, my therapist said he is unable to understand. But, I think, it's more "unwilling." Regardless of how he grew up, if he wants to accept me, he will. If he wants to learn about LGBTQ culture, he can. It's a choice. But age and background aren't excuses for intolerance. But I know he won't accept it and seeing me in a tie will make him upset. Calling me by my male name will make him upset. So I just stay away. A therapist told me that I am being selfish and inflexible by refusing to take off my tie. My therapist said if I truly love someone, like a family member, I will take off my tie in an act of compassion. My therapist said I am lacking in compassion. Is the therapist right or is the therapist a homophobe?
I don't know how I could talk to grandpa, because then I'd have to say I am interested in "female" things, like dance and cooking, and not the truth, which is tools and sports ("male" interests). I can't introduce him to the girl I am dating and would have to lie. If he asks me what I am reading, I'd have to lie, as I mostly read stuff about trans issues. So I am worried that if I start lying, I'll forget and eventually get caught. I understand lying at work to protect myself, but you shouldn't have to lie to family.
You have every right to protect yourself physically, emotionally, mentally.
If you feel that by visiting it will be painful or dangerous (mentally, emotionally) for you then do not visit.
I may be off base but I think you might want to seek out a different therapist. For a therapist to say that you are inflexible, selfish, lacking in compassion I think is inexcusable. Your therapist may not be a homophobe but seems to be lacking an understanding of the abuse that family members have caused you. Would the therapist advise any one of their patients to visit an abuser? Does not matter the age, sex or gender identification of the patient or the abuser.
How do you feel about saying no or disappointing that person/persons?
I used to dress pretty out-there in my teens.. but would tone it down for Grandparents & would do smart casual for a job interview. I certainly get being comfortable in your clothing choices. That it can be how you express yourself & be part of your identity.
I just figure my clothes are just what I wear - I am still me underneath, regardless of an outer layer of fabric.
Don't overthink it. Wear a tie. Or not. Wear a tie INSIDE your shirt or as a belt. A fellow student last week wore knee high rainbow socks with men's style summer shorts. Looked great.
My husband hasn’t worn a tie since we married 20 years ago, even for funerals. It’s become normal for men to skip the tie. What point are you really trying to make here?
I think there is too much worry about a tie. I don't think you have to wear one and I just find that issue a bit extreme. Otherwise you should dress as you wish.
It is not clear to me if your grandfather's mental acuity is such that he remembers you well. If he does and you feel his love can accept you as you are then meet with him. If he is very confused generally and the whole situation would cause him difficulty then leave things as they are.
I realize in a perfect world this would not be the case but I think we have to understand that there are generations that know very little of your world and that coupled with age might be more difficult and best to accept that.
Whatever you decide I hope you find peace with that decision.
There is also this: even the most intolerant, homophobic person has been known to change their viewpoints when it's someone THEY love who comes out, transitions or what have you. It's a very different mindset to vilify all "those kind of people" when they are all anonymous strangers; much different to condemn a beloved family member.
And I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: to accuse your therapist of being a homophone because you have a difference of opinion (wearing a tie? Really?) is absolutely ludicrous! Is every disagreement you have with someone in your life going to boil down to accusing that person of being a homophobe? Because to immediately jump to that conclusion does a disservice to everyone who HAS been a legitimate victim of homophobia.
If you don't want to visit grandpa, then don't visit him. But if you think that it's something that you will regret in the future, then make the effort. Grandpa might very well surprise you.
Really? Your therapist talked to your grandfather? Or is just prejudging him based on stereotypes? Frankly, it sounds like you are, too. How could you talk to your grandfather? How about like a person you are interested in. Instead of scripting all sorts of topics about *you*, ask about him.
Right now, from what you said, you are rejecting your grandfather based on your fear of him rejecting you. Can you get past that? Can you take the risk to restore the relationship while you and he still have the time? Yes, you might get hurt. Maybe badly. But maybe you will have a loving relationship back. Maybe grandpa makes comments you think are inappropriate. Can you smile and make one just as inappropriate in return? Maybe you can just be grandparent/grandchild together, humans with a common bond, rather than objects who need to be defined and educated. How about trying a phone call before a visit? Or at least a letter? You know him, I don’t - do you even want to see him?
BTW, just as a measure of things, I found your comments on what comprises “female” things a bit offensive. I am a female who has always preferred tools and trucks to dresses and dancing. I worked in many typically ‘male’ jobs. Half my closet is men’s clothing because I find them more to my taste than women’s clothing. Try to give everyone a chance. Good luck. I hope it turns out happy for you.
Your therapist is right. Would it really endanger your identity if you wore jeans and a T-shirt and kept your sex life private for a visit? Who even goes there with a family member?
You want to be accepted but you don't feel like you have to reciprocate? Life is full of compromises and you can't ask anyone to accept you as you are if you aren't willing to do the same. Even if it is uncomfortable.
Is it the wearing of a scrap of fabric in which the OP feels most comfortable? Or is it the prospect of answering honestly when grandpa asks him what he's reading lately? Is it being called by his name?
For that matter, which of these actions constitutes putting his sex life on display in front of family (to the degree that it would necessitate saying "who even goes there with family?")? Maybe I skipped over a pertinent line.
(Sorry to the OP. Seems like maybe this isn't the best forum for the discussion you seek. But maybe it's too soon to say. I hope you get some answers from people who've lived your experience and understand.)
Visit your grandfather* and be yourself. Unless you're really very young, by which I mean - let's say - fifteen or under, you don't need to be told by your family how to dress, what to read, or which pursuits to follow. I hope you also don't need to be instructed in how to speak courteously and considerately even to someone who doesn't offer you his heartfelt approval.
Having said that. You no more need to wear a tie than a male transitioning to female needs to wear false eyelashes. Men can't take an interest in dance and cookery? - what nonsense. Neither do you have to give your grandfather a list of recommended reading for trans people - what's wrong with asking him instead if he's enjoyed any books recently, and sharing that with him? If he insists on using your original female name, tell him you'd rather he didn't call you anything.
I think, on balance, at the moment, you need to decide whether you will only accept and value your grandfather if the old dog learns a heck of a lot of new tricks. Is wokeness the only quality you care about in people?
It tends to be forgotten in today's bad-tempered debate that LGBTQ issues were not invented this century. If your grandfather has lived to a ripe old age, then trust me he's met many, many people who were not of fixed gender. He will cope. Be kind, be courteous, be truthful.
Your therapist is a *therapist*?
* if you want to. If in fact you don't want to see your grandfather, you can skip the whole of the above. Just say no.
My DH has a brother who has a trans child who transitioned (male to female) while my MIL was starting to descend into dementia; she had emergency open heart surgery and died about 3 weeks later.
I can recall sitting with her in the rehab/nh as she watched videos of all of her grandchildren give her good wishes and "get better Nana" messages. The trans thing didn't faze her at all. She knew about it, her son had explained it to her.
She loved all of her grandchildren without judgement of any kind.
In the same vein, family told MY mom, after her dementia had started, that one of her nephews had come out (diffwrent issue, I know). My mom, as conservative a Catholic as they come said to me "I've changed. I don't want the Church to change, but I've changed. I don't think being gay is wrong".
I think you can be true to yourself and visit your grandpa as your authentic self, especially if he is, as you say, in his right mind. My answer might be different if he were deep into dementia.
are your FOO part of some weird conservative religious community, because I can't imagine any circumstance where any of the thing you detailed as problematic would ever even come up let alone cause an issue. If someone asked me what I was reading I wouldn't have any problem just shrugging and saying "nothing you'd be interested in". Women wear pants all the time (I've been know to shop the men's department myself for better prices), and I haven't been in a dress for years and years. Lots of cisgender women are interested in sports and tools and hate cooking and dancing. I can't see how any of that is a flashing neon sign that you are trans. You shouldn't have to lie, but you don't need to be militant about things either - life is all about compromise.
Some of the people here have quit their jobs, or continue to work while providing care; others have had to hire in home caregivers, and struggle to work with "strangers" in the home. Others are faced with financial challenges. A lot of compromise is made.
Personally, I think that if you want to see this gentleman badly enough, you can make some compromises (others will probably disagree with me). Just avoid the sensitive topics. And BTW, I'm female and I'm interested in tools; I wish I'd spent more time learning from my father.
I don't think specific issues are or have to be gender specific. Consider some of the French and high end clothing manufacturers. Some are men designing for women. I don't buy their designs b/c they're outrageously priced. I could care less about their gender.
Some of the best chefs are male.
I think you may be overrating the gender identity of various interests. Why don't you encourage GF to lead the conversation into issues he likes (fishing? hunting)?
If he's old enough to have survived the Great Depression and/or WWII, or Vietnam, ask him questions about his life then, how it's different now, how the US and people are different, but avoid the latter topics if he served and was wounded, or lost friends. Depending on which service and where someone served makes a big difference in how they respond to discussions.
With Halloween coming up, ask him how they celebrated. My father told me of pranks they pulled, which couldn't be done now (there hopefully aren't many outhouses that frisky youth can tip over or move). Ask him about skating on a local pond if there was one. Ask about living w/o heat or electricity. Be creative.
I think the idea of gender specifics (other than physical issues) is being raised to a level which makes it a problem by virtue of its dominance in conversation.
But I have one question for you? Why do you think your grandfather will be intolerant of your transition?
My ex transitioned after the marriage ended, M-F. His Catholic dad was able to accept the change and Bill was in his 80's and from the jokes he told you would never have expected him to accept the change.