I am full-time caretaker to my husband who has moderate Alzheimer's. We've been married almost two decades and he's in his early eighties. These are both our second marriages. We both have children with former spouses but not together. He goes to Adult Day Care a few days a week which is my respite. Otherwise everything is on me. No other help. My kids don't live in town but it's not their responsibility. His children live within a two to three mile radius and he's lucky if he sees them once or twice a year. His daughter told me although she appreciates I am taking care of him, she's not interested in helping. All of a sudden she is mad because he drank when she was growing up but he's been sober for over 30 years now. She married a very abusive alcoholic husband. He screams at her when she's on the phone with her dad which is only once or twice a year. She'll call on his birthday and Father's day and those are the two times her husband screams at her to hang up. She didn't come to see him on his birthday. It really upset my husband, and triggered a decline the last few weeks. Had to increase his Seroquel. His son hadn't seen him for 6 months, came over on his birthday for a short visit. Gave him a nice gift card to his favorite restaurant. However, there's a price to pay. I tried to tell his son things were getting worse and he refuses to acknowledge and says that's just normal aging. How the heck would you know you're never here LOL. The day my dad died was when his son decided to criticize the medications his dad takes and says he doesn't approve. I told him he doesn't get to decide that his doctor does. He asked what he wants for Christmas, and when I tell him, he doesn't agree with it. I'm so sick of this passive aggressive BS. What his dad would like is if his kids would spend time with them before he forgets who they are. His son is like Jekyll and Hyde you never know which side you're going to get. He has been disrespectful to me which actually was caught on our security cameras one time. All this basically started when his dad started with dementia almost 5 years ago. I've always been very kind to his children, but they're about ready to see a whole other side of me.
Also, everyone else who knows us has acknowledged a huge difference in my husband's decline, except his son. His daughter doesn't care.
Telling folks to get over something that affected them and didn't affect you?
And the whole I arranged the trust so my kids get stuff and his kids don't but his kids responsiblity to take care of their father.
Honestly as a kid of a first marriage its one of my biggest griefs.
Because it seems like we get all the expectations of fidelity to parents but none of the benefits.
I am fully expecting this from my Dads wife (who is my age) I get everything but I expect you to help me.
Thats not particularly just.
Don't get me wrong if there is no money happy to help parent. But if there is money....It cannot go just one way. Your the kid when it benefits me and not the kid when it benefits me
Please don't get me wrong I don't want her cut our I even think she should get more. But the concept truly makes me mad.😡
I agree with Fawnby....I cut out 2 of my siblings 23 years ago, who didn't attend the funeral of my beloved husband, with no excuses. He never did anything to them to deserve it.
The test is when they dump on you at your darkest hour, especially if you have done so much for them over the years. I don't miss any of these USERS.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Stop wasting time and energy on these types. You won't get that time back.
You decide if and when it comes to the point where you can no longer safely care for him either by yourself or at home.
You decide then if you will have caregivers come in and help or you will have to place him in Memory Care.
I can tell you now that if your marital assets are not combined and you begin spending HIS money to pay for caregivers or pay for memory Care his kids are suddenly going to find a way to communicate. Ignore them.
If your assets are combined you might want to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and see what can be done to protect your future.
Also if you have not done so yet make sure you have all the rest of your "legal ducks in a row"
As to noticing a decline. There are some with the mentality that if I ignore it and make believe everything is ok then it is ok.
It can be difficult for family to accept that a LO is declining, is dying.
And if in fact your husband was not the best father in the past those are wounds that can take a LONG time to heal if they ever do.
I have said here many times that I believe that a person that was abused should not be a caregiver for their abuser.
Abuse comes in many forms. Physical, that we can all see.
Mental, Emotional abuse is much harder to see and much harder to admit to. So if in the past he was not the nice guy he is now maybe give the kids a bit of slack.
You also might want to take a look at you and what your plans are if in the event that you need care later. Are you going to depend on your kids to provide that care (not fair to them) or are you going to look into Assisted Living facilities so that you will have the help you need when you need it.
My husband has a daughter who's cut him out of her life for no reason, except that she's always angry and looking for mistakes he's made so she can justify BEING angry. He was a great dad to her, and for the past 20 years I've known him, he and I have gone out of our way to be loving towards her and her kids. She's just a bipolar person who chooses anger and resentment instead of love and light. It's not our fault, nor is it my place to get angry at her for being mean to her father and hurting his feelings. I consider her dead, honestly, not living as a part of our family or contributing to it in any way. She's a non entity. I suggest you consider your step children as non entities yourself. Expect nothing from them and find help and respite elsewhere. That your husband is sad about their lack of interest in him is not something YOU can fix, nor should you try to. It's between him and them. Hire aides to come in to do the caregiving you were hoping to get from his kids. I'd personally hate to have my stepdaughter around here...shes an energy vampire, sucking all the life right out of the room by her mere presence in it.
I'm sorry you're going thru this with hubby. But showing your ugly side to your step kids will only make this situation worse than it already is. Extinguishing them from your mind is a much better solution for all concerned.
Best of luck to you.
I was hoping his kids would try and mend any hurts, but it's not my job. The good thing now is my husband doesn't remember they are mad at him. His son especially wants to put me in the middle. Not happening.
He may have been the best husband to you, but likely not the best dad to his kids. You can’t fix that or tell the kids to get over it already. Don’t be the angry step mother. It will not end well for anyone involved.
All that aside, you might want to get his will and such straight. The kids may all show up when it’s time to go discuss any inheritance.
I was it by default. Oldest child, oldest girl and the one who lived in the same town. One brother lived in 7hrs away and having big problems with MIL. Other brother 30min away dealing with a divorce. I asked nothing of either one of them. I held both POAs so I made all the decisions. That included placing Mom in a LTC and forgetting to tell my brother I had transferred her from the AL where he finally went to visit her. I never called my brothers to ask what they thought because they never called to see how Mom was. I did it all.
If you have POA financial and medical, you do not need to give son any info. When it comes to his care, you do not need to justify your decisions. Your husband put you in control. Even with no POA, your his carer, your in control.
I may once tell his children that Dad needs to see them and hear from them more often. Whether they believe it or not, he has Dementia and there is no cure. His brain is dying and when the desease hits the part of the brain that controls breathing and the heart, he will die. But before that he will lose his memory and in time will no longer remember them. So, its all up to them. If they choose to visit, great, but there will be no criticizing of your care or the doctors because they are not there 24/7 caring for their Dad.
Once you have had your say, leave it alone. You are on your own so you have a right to decide what is right for DH and you. Know when it becomes too much and place DH.
Just let these people go. Life is happier without stepjerks.
So none of this is new, I think?
It must be clear now that this man, your loving husband, was an alcoholic who was not very good to his children.
His children are now returning the favor by being not very good to HIM.
You have chosen to care in home for your husband.
The children do not wish to take part in that care.
The sad thing is that they don't seem to have the courage to tell you that they don't much like their father, and will not be participating in his care now that he becomes even more a problem than he was to them while they were growing up.
The fact is they don't like him.
The fact is that they are IN NO WAY responsible for his decline; that is the disease, not the children.
You have said "His daughter doesn't care", and you can bet she cares even less about what everyone out there thinks.
That is THEIR OWN CHOICE.
You can make your choices, but not theirs; I truly recognize that this is all very difficult for you. It is hard to lose the person we love while the warm body is still functioning somewhere in the house. You have my sympathy, but so do his kids, who got not much from him in their lives, and who have little interest in the end of his life now. Deathbed reconciliations are primarily the business of Hollywood.
You can only control yourself and no one else.
His children are the ones that will have to live with the choices they made regarding their father, so let it go. This isn't about you, it's about your husband and his children, and you probably don't know all they went through growing up with an alcoholic father, as that pain can go deep and if not dealt with in a healthy way, can manifest itself in many different ways.
So just continue doing the great job you are with caring for your husband, and don't waste another thought on his children,
I know it is frustrating. But I did want to address one comment from your post in particular. You say "Otherwise everything is on me. No other help. My kids don't live in town but it's not their responsibility."
For what its worth, its not the responsibility of his children to provide his care either. So many people ascribe responsibility of a parent's care to their children, and that's just not appropriate. It is not his children's responsibility to provide his elder care.
It does sound like the family dynamics are problematic. And it may well be that his children aren't ready to accept that he is in decline. Or it may be that they DO have unresolved feelings and issues that predate your marriage to their father.
As an adult child who grew up with an alcoholic father - while I've dealt with my issues, I know my brother still, even after our father's death, has unresolved issues with our dad. In fact, I'm not even sure he ever really faced the fact that he HAD issues until our dad got sick.
People deal with things in different ways. I'm not saying that their behavior is necessarily acceptable. But having helped my DH and his sister (and her DH) provide care for my narcissist FIL for a number of years, I can tell you that caregiving can bring out issues that have never been dealt with too.
I know you are unhappy with the way things are. And I totally understand that. But at the same time, you can't change them. They have shown you what, if anything, they are willing to offer. She's told you that she isn't interested in helping. You have to accept her answer.
And you also have to accept that their memories of their father may not match the man you know. " All of a sudden she is mad because he drank when she was growing up but he's been sober for over 30 years now.". It probably isn't as "all of a sudden" as you think it is. You have to remember that having an alcoholic father, especially when you are young, imprints on you. My father was never abusive, he was very mellow when he drank. But there were SO many things that had to be adjusted or hidden or that we didn't get to do as kids growing up BECAUSE my father drank. I loved my dad, but I do have some resentment over the things we lost as kids. And over the things mom had to deal with in order to pick up the slack and make sure we were taken care of.
BECAUSE he's been sober for your entire marriage, you don't have the same perspective about it as his children do.
Here is what I don't recommend. "I've always been very kind to his children, but they're about ready to see a whole other side of me". That's not going to go well. All due respect, you can't change how they interact with their father. You can't force or guilt them into helping you take care of him. What that will do, is create an even bigger wedge between you, him and his children.
The time has come to consider what YOUR options for caring for him actually are. Take them out of the equation. Do not include them in your plan. Figure out how you can get respite time if you need it. Look at your options like memory care if things get too difficult to manage alone.
I hate that you feel so alone and that you are struggling. I really do. But it is better for everyone if you see this for what it is, and move forward to ensure that he has the care he needs.
Let me ask this question. If his son is J/H and his daughter already has issues with her father, do you really want them providing his care anyway? I can tell you, it is very hard to provide care for someone you can barely tolerate being around, even when you are trying with everything you have. Why put them or him in that position?