Disrespectful adult stepchildren.

First, let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this. It is never easy to watch someone you love in decline.

I know it is frustrating. But I did want to address one comment from your post in particular. You say "Otherwise everything is on me. No other help. My kids don't live in town but it's not their responsibility."

For what its worth, its not the responsibility of his children to provide his care either. So many people ascribe responsibility of a parent's care to their children, and that's just not appropriate. It is not his children's responsibility to provide his elder care.

It does sound like the family dynamics are problematic. And it may well be that his children aren't ready to accept that he is in decline. Or it may be that they DO have unresolved feelings and issues that predate your marriage to their father.

As an adult child who grew up with an alcoholic father - while I've dealt with my issues, I know my brother still, even after our father's death, has unresolved issues with our dad. In fact, I'm not even sure he ever really faced the fact that he HAD issues until our dad got sick.

People deal with things in different ways. I'm not saying that their behavior is necessarily acceptable. But having helped my DH and his sister (and her DH) provide care for my narcissist FIL for a number of years, I can tell you that caregiving can bring out issues that have never been dealt with too.

I know you are unhappy with the way things are. And I totally understand that. But at the same time, you can't change them. They have shown you what, if anything, they are willing to offer. She's told you that she isn't interested in helping. You have to accept her answer.

And you also have to accept that their memories of their father may not match the man you know. " All of a sudden she is mad because he drank when she was growing up but he's been sober for over 30 years now.". It probably isn't as "all of a sudden" as you think it is. You have to remember that having an alcoholic father, especially when you are young, imprints on you. My father was never abusive, he was very mellow when he drank. But there were SO many things that had to be adjusted or hidden or that we didn't get to do as kids growing up BECAUSE my father drank. I loved my dad, but I do have some resentment over the things we lost as kids. And over the things mom had to deal with in order to pick up the slack and make sure we were taken care of.

BECAUSE he's been sober for your entire marriage, you don't have the same perspective about it as his children do.

Here is what I don't recommend. "I've always been very kind to his children, but they're about ready to see a whole other side of me". That's not going to go well. All due respect, you can't change how they interact with their father. You can't force or guilt them into helping you take care of him. What that will do, is create an even bigger wedge between you, him and his children.

The time has come to consider what YOUR options for caring for him actually are. Take them out of the equation. Do not include them in your plan. Figure out how you can get respite time if you need it. Look at your options like memory care if things get too difficult to manage alone.

I hate that you feel so alone and that you are struggling. I really do. But it is better for everyone if you see this for what it is, and move forward to ensure that he has the care he needs.

Let me ask this question. If his son is J/H and his daughter already has issues with her father, do you really want them providing his care anyway? I can tell you, it is very hard to provide care for someone you can barely tolerate being around, even when you are trying with everything you have. Why put them or him in that position?

From the sounds of it you are very fortunate that your stepchildren aren't involved in any way. Count your blessings, and quit expecting them to be any different.
You can only control yourself and no one else.
His children are the ones that will have to live with the choices they made regarding their father, so let it go. This isn't about you, it's about your husband and his children, and you probably don't know all they went through growing up with an alcoholic father, as that pain can go deep and if not dealt with in a healthy way, can manifest itself in many different ways.
So just continue doing the great job you are with caring for your husband, and don't waste another thought on his children,

You are married two decades.
So none of this is new, I think?
It must be clear now that this man, your loving husband, was an alcoholic who was not very good to his children.
His children are now returning the favor by being not very good to HIM.
You have chosen to care in home for your husband.
The children do not wish to take part in that care.
The sad thing is that they don't seem to have the courage to tell you that they don't much like their father, and will not be participating in his care now that he becomes even more a problem than he was to them while they were growing up.

The fact is they don't like him.
The fact is that they are IN NO WAY responsible for his decline; that is the disease, not the children.
You have said "His daughter doesn't care", and you can bet she cares even less about what everyone out there thinks.

That is THEIR OWN CHOICE.
You can make your choices, but not theirs; I truly recognize that this is all very difficult for you. It is hard to lose the person we love while the warm body is still functioning somewhere in the house. You have my sympathy, but so do his kids, who got not much from him in their lives, and who have little interest in the end of his life now. Deathbed reconciliations are primarily the business of Hollywood.

You cannot make your husband's children give a flying fig about their father. You just cannot. Folks here have decided he was an alcoholic and abusive father to them, although nobody knows that for a fact. Some adult children of wonderful parents don't care about them, and some adult children of very abusive parents bend over backwards to care for them in their old age. It's a personal decision and based on a person's character as to what they choose to do for their parents in old age.

My husband has a daughter who's cut him out of her life for no reason, except that she's always angry and looking for mistakes he's made so she can justify BEING angry. He was a great dad to her, and for the past 20 years I've known him, he and I have gone out of our way to be loving towards her and her kids. She's just a bipolar person who chooses anger and resentment instead of love and light. It's not our fault, nor is it my place to get angry at her for being mean to her father and hurting his feelings. I consider her dead, honestly, not living as a part of our family or contributing to it in any way. She's a non entity. I suggest you consider your step children as non entities yourself. Expect nothing from them and find help and respite elsewhere. That your husband is sad about their lack of interest in him is not something YOU can fix, nor should you try to. It's between him and them. Hire aides to come in to do the caregiving you were hoping to get from his kids. I'd personally hate to have my stepdaughter around here...shes an energy vampire, sucking all the life right out of the room by her mere presence in it.

I'm sorry you're going thru this with hubby. But showing your ugly side to your step kids will only make this situation worse than it already is. Extinguishing them from your mind is a much better solution for all concerned.

Best of luck to you.

This is a pretty common issue that is posted on this forum. My husband's parents got divorced when he and his brothers were in HS, jr HS and elementary school. His Dad had an affair with their Mom's best friend (one of many affairs) and after the very sudden divorce his Mom never stopped acting like the only victim. His Dad, an elder in a church, felt "justified" in having the affair with the Mom's best friend because he was so "unhappy". The 3 of them couldn't have handled it worse and it caused a LOT of ongoing emotional damange to my husband and his 2 brothers. His Dad never acknowleged the pain and suffering it caused even though my husband diplomatically worked hard to get him to see it. We made the best of our relationship with his Dad and step-Mom, who is a "nice" person... but the pain and memories are still there. The adult kids never had a choice. There's a helplessness and resentment that corrodes the relationships. My husband did many a passive-aggressive things to them as a young adult to register his unhappiness with them. BlueEyedGirl94 wrote a very poignant explanation to which I say ditto. DO NOT get on your broom and become an ugly person to his kids. You won't ever be able to force another adult to do something through that type of behavior. You will guarantee that neither of his kids will ever visit or speak to him again. And they might feel justified in becoming very vindictive after your husband passes. Move forward by paying for as much care support as you need. Hopefully your husband isn't thinking of saving money for any type of inheritance for his kids. His savings is for his care and to prevent you from burning out. He will need to come to grips with how his kids are. If he can't do this he will be sad without end until he passes, yearning for something that never existed, having expectations that only lead to disappointments. Both of you need to move on and choose to be diplomatic to his kids, offering them opportunities to come visit (or be the visitors) and then having no expectations of their involvement. That's the most you can do. This is called a boundary. Let all disrespect slide off your backs. The needier, whinier and more demanding you become, the more you will surely give them reasons to stay away. Move on and the both of you do whatever it takes to enjoy the rest of your years together. Also make sure you both have your legal ducks in a row: that you've met with a financial or estate planner to know that there are enough funds to support both of you to your ends; that your husband has someone assigned as his PoA (hopefully it is not you if you are close in age); a Advance Healthcare Directive so his kids can't blame you for whatever medical care is given or withheld, a POLST, a Pre-need guardianship, pre-paid funeral policy, Last Will, etc. If he does not do this now he will leave open the door to infighting once his kids smell money from a perceived inheritance that they will "deserve" for having lived with an alcoholic father and through a divorce. Yet you will still be alive and needing that money. This is what happened when my FIL passed away. His biological kids expected to get their inheritance at that time, never mind that his wife was still alive and well and younger and still is going on 10+ years after his passing. One of my BILs was very angry he got nothing. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. May you receive wisdom and peace in your hearts.

There is no way on earth you can guilt or shame them into helping. As others have said… they grew up with an alcoholic father. No one comes out of that without some mental scarring. Doesn’t matter if he got sober 30 years ago. The damage was done and it doesn’t fade when the drunk parent gets sober. There’s a reason why the term ACOA— adult children of alcoholics— exists.

He may have been the best husband to you, but likely not the best dad to his kids. You can’t fix that or tell the kids to get over it already. Don’t be the angry step mother. It will not end well for anyone involved.

All that aside, you might want to get his will and such straight. The kids may all show up when it’s time to go discuss any inheritance.

"Just let these people go. Life is happier without stepjerks."

I agree with Fawnby....I cut out 2 of my siblings 23 years ago, who didn't attend the funeral of my beloved husband, with no excuses. He never did anything to them to deserve it.

The test is when they dump on you at your darkest hour, especially if you have done so much for them over the years. I don't miss any of these USERS.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Stop wasting time and energy on these types. You won't get that time back.

My husband can't stand his son (actually his stepson, who he welcomed and raised as his own during his first marriage). The guy seems to have no empathy for anyone, blusters about politics endlessly, is always asking for large sums of money, shows no gratitude, and has been extremely rude to me. DH informed him years ago after a particularly egregious episode that he was no longer part of our lives. Good! Don't miss him! He did keep trying to contact his dad, who refused to answer the phone. On Father's Day, I get texts, "Tell Dad happy Father's Day." No! I'm not your monkey! (Why doesn't he stop by the dollar store and pick up a cheap Father's Day card and order his wife to mail it to his dad? He's trained her real well.)

Just let these people go. Life is happier without stepjerks.

I kind of want to respond. Why is it only their mothers fault these adult children are bad behaved. Their father had an equal job of raising them. If he had an alcoholic raising him thats very much on him and he bares responsibility. And your excusing the very likely high level of trauma these kids had. Two alcoholic parents. Parents cares more about themselves then their kids. And its just Moms fault? The lack of responsibility taking may be way they aren't wanting much of a relationship.

Telling folks to get over something that affected them and didn't affect you?

And the whole I arranged the trust so my kids get stuff and his kids don't but his kids responsiblity to take care of their father.

Honestly as a kid of a first marriage its one of my biggest griefs.

Because it seems like we get all the expectations of fidelity to parents but none of the benefits.

I am fully expecting this from my Dads wife (who is my age) I get everything but I expect you to help me.

Thats not particularly just.

Don't get me wrong if there is no money happy to help parent. But if there is money....It cannot go just one way. Your the kid when it benefits me and not the kid when it benefits me

Please don't get me wrong I don't want her cut our I even think she should get more. But the concept truly makes me mad.😡

I would text them both as to how the best present to him is simply a visit while he still knows who they are. Anything they need to say to him, they should say now before he deteriorates further.