Disabled mother causing marital stress. What can we do?

You never should have moved her in. Was the life insurance money left to your mom? If so, you need to pay her back and tell mom this isn't working out. Your obligation is to your husband and children first. Your husband is disabled and at home with her all day without reprieve. Not a good situation for anyone.

Figure out a way to pay her back and help her find a nice assisted living apartment.

Tell him not to let the doorknob hit him in the arss when he leaves.

daisydyer96: Imho, if your mother needs to apply for Medicaid due to future nursing home placement, the co-mingled monies (in this case $50K) will become an issue. Seek an elder law attorney.

Listen to me - I learned the hard way and well into my adult life. DON'T EVER, NO MATTER WHO OR WHY OR WHEN OR WHERE ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO DESTROY YOU OR HARM YOU. Either stop them cold or walk away and never look back - you won't be sorry. Best thing I ever did.

Your first obligation is to you and that means giving your attention to your husband if you want to save your marriage. If he goes, then what? You will be stuck with a less than desirable mother who is causing great harm to you and your husband. First of all, YOU have to get very tough with her and immediately set boundaries that she is NOT to cross - stop her the minute she opens her mouth. Second of all, get in touch with a good eldercare attorney for help. I think the time has come (and you know this is true), that she may have put in a lot of money for the bigger house but you made a horrible mistake - she owns you. Face the fact the house MUST be sold and you will have to move into a smaller place for you and her husband. If she paid for it, then I would assume that money would have to be used for her care. I hope you are still young enough where you can start small and build up again. But the fact is, SHE CANNOT REMAIN IN THIS HOME WITH YOU - YOU WILL PAY THE PRICE UNTIL SHE DIES and lose a husband in the process. Place her at once - seek help if money is an issue - there is help. Live your life alone without her. People like this do NOT ever deserve help from those caring for them. They sow what they reap.

At one time my mother and husband were fighting all the time. It was ALWAYS Mom's fault as she picked, picked, picked on my husband. She didn't live with us, but across the street so we could keep an eye on her. She even taunted my husband, asking if he didn't want to throw her out of the house. I told her to "grow up", took my husband out of our house, and went to a movie. When we returned, she had cleaned up my kitchen, and left us a note to please come over to talk. She was so sorry. Just wanted to see how far she could push, I guess.

You might try something similar, just taking your husband out of the house for a little while. She can't argue if there's no one there to fight with! If you do this several times, you can then sit down with her and explain how things are going to be. If she needs attention or something to do, find it for her, and a special place for her project. When people are tired, frustrated with their life or simply not the center of attention, they act out. Think of a toddler not getting her way in a grocery store.

Since you used some money for your home, you can't move her into assisted living until the 5 year look back period for Medicaid is over. You would have to either pay it back, or would just have to care for her anyway. Sounds like she will need Medicaid to go into AL. Look back at when you used the money and count down the days. Good luck.

Time for mother to move to assisted living.

I have a very narcassistc mother who has abused me for seven years.

Then a few months ago the Lord blessed me to guide me to these two videos on youtube that can be downloaded on 4k videodownloader
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7a0HjVlD7g
and
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j14kNoVsbTw
They work wonders for me and my stress level has plummeted.

God bless you to be able to put these into practice in your situation

As well just inform your mother that either her attitude changess or her address will. And, be prepared to back it up

Too much of a good thing is just that, too much!

Both your husband and mom need activities that separate them on a regular basis.

Both of them need things that engage them, make them have to interact with others and burn energy.

Both of them need to grow up.

Whenever something is said that is not okay, it needs to be dealt with right then, every single time.

Mom, we don't say unkind things to each other.

Husband, life is hard, harder for disabled people then most but, we don't use emotional threats to make it better.

It sounds like you will have to be the adult and act with authority to get things sorted out. Like finding day programs for both of them. Do alternate days so each can have some home time, alone. No isn't an option for either one.

My brother had 5 kids and they spent a lot of time at my house, when they didn't have enough to keep them active, productive and engaged, they picked at one another for entertainment. This very much sounds like what is happening with mom and husband.

I used to tell them, because, as you well know, I was being dragged into it, one or another running to tell Auntie what was happening, that I was changing my name to sh!t and slapping the 1st one that cussed. It actually got their attention. Maybe you could try something similar.

If you can't find a solution and need mom to move, she owns a percentage of the house. It's not as simple as giving her the money back. Whatever percentage of the original purchase price her down payment paid for is her equity in the home. You may owe her more then she invested.

You say she only needs occasional help with some things, so you won't be able to say it was for caregiving services.

You can't keep the money and put her into a Medicaid facility, that is wrong in every imaginable situation. Not to mention that Medicaid only pays for certain facilities and your mom would need to qualify medically as well as financially.

You both made a choice and it needs to be dealth with honestly and fairly for ALL involved.

First of all, since your husband knew the situation when the two of you decided to use her money to buy a larger house, I would speak to your husband and clarify his feelings because although he seems to be asking you to make a big life change for your and your mother for his convienience, I would explore his feelings in greater detail did he say he wants to leave because of your mother because he wants to leave anyway? You said he is disabled- is he really considering leaving or is he just emotionally blackmailing you? Taking his frustrations out due to his disability and being stuck in the house with your mother by saying things he doesn't mean? You said a larger home was purchased, is there no separate part of the home your husband could stay private from your mother that he is not listening to what she says? Certainly he could be reminded not to be so upset about something a disabled older person maybe can't help saying? Or is talking about her opinions her only recreation/socialization? Is talking to your mother your husband's only socialization and the two of them are just making each other miserable? Talk to your husband and get on the same page if you really want to sell your home and relocate. Or maybe use some of the money to put up some kind of wall so the two of them have private space that can lock? Or get one or both of them a hobby so they are not just clashing with each other all day. Or is there some day program one of them could go to, something that they will not just be sitting there together all the time? Is your husband serious about leaving or is he dependent on you as his caregiver as well? You said you did not want to move in the first place, what would make you happy? What are your options to find arrangements for your Mom?

This is confusing as you said she is “mostly independent” and then also said you used her insurance money to buy this larger house bc she couldn’t live on her own. If she’s mostly independent that is very different than not being able to live on her own (?) could you clarify that is two opposite descriptions

This is a hard one, and not knowing what her disabilities are may play into my suggestions. You say you both have discussed boundaries and it doesn't stick for long, so at least she is aware that she gets "out of line". I think you should have another serious group chat and tell her it's therapy sessions (start with group) and if that doesn't work, the house will be sold and you will go your separate ways. Then follow up exactly as you stated. Perhaps AL living would be best for her, in a place where she can socialize with people her age. Also you say she is loud, perhaps she needs hearing aids? So sorry as this dilemma is not an easy fix. I wish you all the best.

Op were you and your spouse living in a house before you bought this house?

You didn’t mention some important things such as have you tried going to a counselor w her to mediate expected boundaries and respect etc, and then going back for the next session to reevaluate? That would be imo the first step before jumping to discussion of moving out.

The other thing that makes this somewhat more complicated is your stepdads insurance money, you said he passed away and you used his insurance money to buy a larger home- the insurance money since he was her spouse would be designated for her. How did you get the stepdads insurance money and did you then include her name on the house you bought w it?

I feel conflicted about that depending on the details such as was it a small amount of insurance money I’m guessing it wasn’t that small or it wouldn’t be able to buy a larger house. Since it was her money that made the purchase of this larger house possible that’s a tough one I would have to think about it more but definitely hope you at least try some mediation sessions first

You don’t specify if she’s saying things that are just annoying or is she verbally abusive and provoking him w rude type of comments?

You also didn’t say if you and him have had a talk with her about boundaries?? It seems from what you wrote that nothing has been done as far as talking with her or going to a counselor etc as a first step to see if that will help resolve some of this? I think when it’s something as serious as ones residence you would first make an effort to talk w her and a counselor to mediate an agreement before jumping to the last resort.

Have you tried any of those things yet first?

It's a hard decision to make either way. Based on what you shared here, sounds like your mom is pre dementia. If not, have you sat down and had a frank discussion with your mom and set BOUNDARIES? Giving you $50K for this house is not a CARTE BLANCHE for her to will HER WAYS into you and your marriage. Period!

If she is pre dementia, unless you're emotionally prepared to deal the disease, I'm not trying to ruin your life, but the fact is her nastiness is only going to get worse as the disease progresses. And the nasty behavior usually begins at sundown. AND, if you are not prepared to deal with this, IT WILL cause further strife with your husband. --- It's one thing to disagree, but it becomes a battle when both sides are grimly determined to "win the argument." And I suspect both are not emotionally mature enough to realize that EVERYONE has a right to a dissenting opinion on ANY topic. If both parties are not emotionally grown enough to understand this, then YOU WILL HAVE strife.

Also, sit down with her, be frank and tell her the options available, which are to learn to live in harmony, move into an AL facility, sell the home and return her share and then you and your husband can move into a smaller space.

You also need counseling. It sounds like you are stuck between two strong personalities and are willing control over you.

YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AS WELL. If they both cannot understand this, then maybe it's time for you to cut ties with both.

BOUNDARIES!

Sell the house, give mom her portion back and have her move into an assisted living. Don't trash your marriage because of her.

Some parents look at their kids like old age insurance and have expectations that exceeds the norm.

No, let mom go. You are not her servant.

You have suffered enough. Get Mom into AL as quickly as possible. 50K for 4 years of care is cheap. She won't find that elsewhere. If she needs skilled nursing have move to now. Contact aa local elder agency, get a social worker to facilitate all of this. You need a 3rd party to help with Mom. Like on the airplane, out your oxygen mask on first. You need this for you and your marriage. Good luck.

Sell the house, use her share to buy her one of her own, or rent a place, use your portion to get your own place, keep your husband!

I hope you can sort this out, Daisy. *I piggybacked a question here but I'm going to start my own thread for it.

How you move forward from here has a lot to do with how your mother reacts to you speaking to her about finding another place. You could sweeten the pill by presenting info on affordable places near you. Sounds like everyone went into this with no contracts in place other than verbal agreements. It's not outrageous, imo and without any other information, that your mom pay 1k a month for housing for the past 4 years but that's not what she was expecting.

There are programs like HUD senior apartments for someone who meets the qualifications for SS amount.

Your Mother gave you $50,000 in good faith. She trusted that you would take care of her in a larger house permanently. After carefully thinking it over, you and your husband made the decision to sell your existing home, and use her 50K to assist you with the down payment - in order to house all of you comfortably together in a larger home.

If you can't do it - then you can't do it. Lord knows, you're not a servant. No one can force you to care for her. Things don't always work out the way they are planned. You tried - and it didn't work.

If she's on the Deed to the property - then that's another issue. You'd need to reason with her and explain the necessity to sell, or see an Attorney to file a partition lawsuit - which will not be cheap.
Or refinance the house and buy her out.

If she's not on the Deed, then you could sell the property and refund her 50K along with a fair division of any profits she earned as a co-owner. Or, refinance and give her the money back.

This is not going to be easy. Since you said the 50K was portion of the insurance - then hopefully there's more for her to fall back on in a CD or investments, perhaps? At least she has SS coming in.

So your mom has had a caregiver family for four years for $50K. Not a bad deal for her on the surface.

Our emotional opinions don’t matter on the disbursement of the funds. I suspect you have earned the $50K. But that won’t matter either in the final analysis.

What does matter is going forward now to continue to provide mom with care and get your family life back on track.

Since the co-mingling of funds can have an affect on your moms future and the title to your house, you do need to seek the help of a qualified, certified, elder law attorney to make sure you don’t muddy the waters more with another well meaning but not clearly thought out decision. Such an attorney is expensive but very necessary. Do your research, make some phone calls and gather all the paperwork they will request. They need to know all the details in order to help you and mom. If the attorney has a real estate attorney associate that would be helpful too.

Even if you work things out so that mom remains in the home, you need to know now the legal ramifications of your actions.

Please don’t make the mistake of seeing a gallbladder doctor when you need heart surgery. Make sure the attorney you see is well versed in Medicaid law for your state.

Also check with your Area Agency on Aging to see if mom can qualify for respite. Maybe mom could use some therapy.

If she won’t cooperate then you need to know that as well. Further legal action might be necessary. You obviously care about your mom or you would not have taken the steps you did but you have to protect your family. These times we are living in are stressful for everyone, time to regroup for the benefit of all… good luck.

You made a mistake, in hindsight, based on trying to do the right thing for mother. It's not working out, so tell her the truth. Blame DH if need be. Sell the house, return the $50k to mom (if thats what she gave you) and help her get set up in AL. Then buy a smaller home for you and DH and start over, just the 2 of you. Do it now before more resentment builds up and destroys relationships permanently.

Good luck!

If hubby wants her out after using some of her money for a larger house, then you both may need to decide on a house you can afford after you reimburse mom for what she kicked in on the deal. She will need money to go to assisted living or small apartment to live alone. You will be looking for a place that has shopping quite close or facility with shuttles. Taxi and ubering could cover doctor appts or other errands that you can't manage for her. Her husband's money (your stepfather) should go toward her care. Is hubby ready to downsize and reimburse her the money she put in the bigger house?

Doubtful you'll be able to change her opinionated personality, but maybe talk to her that it comes across a little to strong. Maybe find something for both of them to do during the day instead of being in each other's way. They may be disabled, but many disabled people can hold some kind of job. Part time, etc would give them a different daily view.

Does your mother need Medicaid for care in a facility? The finances you mention are not very clear about what has always been yours and DH’s, and what was M’s and was ‘gifted’ to you to buy the house. If this happened 4 years ago, you may be very close to the end of the Medicaid ‘look back’ period for anything that counts as a gift. It might be a good idea to consult with a Medicaid-savvy lawyer about the details. Your DH may be able to cope with another few months if that is what it takes to avoid a real financial strain from changing arrangements.

I should say that I don’t approve of organising in advance to qualify for Medicaid and cheat the taxpayer, but this is a bit different. Everyone loses when things go wrong unexpectedly. Get the dates and details straight before you visit the advisor.

Please start looking into assisted living options for your mother. Your primary allegiance should be your husband. Helping your mom can be as simple as making sure she is cared for by others and visiting her as frequently as your family can manage.

While at it, look for all the resources in your location for your husband. You may not realize it but he needs assistance as well as your mother.

Sell the house. Give her her share. Help her get into senior housing for elderly and disabled. You and hubby go back to living as a family again. She doesn't have to like it, but list it today.

Your profile doesn't mention how old she is or whether you are her PoA or guardian. Is her name on the deed to house? Is she on SSDDI?

Nonetheless your spouse and family take priority and it seems your marriage is in crisis. It may actually be better for your mom to live somewhere where she has more social exposure and opportunities for activities and events. You say she's mostly independent, so then what are you worried about? That wanting privacy is "unloving" to her? If she ever hinted at this it would be selfish and manipulative. All the more reason to move her out.

Reassure her that you and your husband will help her every step of the way so that she isn't overwhelmed (and it guarantees it gets done). Many adult children go into a roommate arrangement with parents grossly underestimating what it usually devolves into. You aren't the first, you won't be the last.

If her name is on the deed, then maybe you all need to go to an elder law/estate planning attorney or Medicaid Planner to make sure you don't do anything you'll be sorry about later. Wishing you much courage, clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this change for the better.

You used money that would have gone to her care for your house with the intention of her moving in. Your husband agreed to this, right? Did he not know her personality then? She sounds very similar in personality to my mother, and my brother and I have both told her we won't tolerate certain behaviors in each of our homes. Can you talk to her and tell her she has to "tone it down"?