We moved in 2 years ago with my MIL and I do love her. She has always been very negative and difficult to be around but since she lives with us it seems so overwhelming. We felt that she could not live alone anymore. Her other son does barely anything to help and when he does he wants me to praise him. I am the one doing 85% of the caregiving but yet she constantly talks about the other family, but that has always been the case since I met her 39 years ago. I try to ignore it but it's always in my face. I want to tell her how I feel but she now forgets a lot (maybe borderline dementia, she is 95) and I don't want to hurt her feelings but it just gets too much. The other DIL absolutely hates her and the kids don't really talk to her and that other son says it's too hard for him to be around her (Duh). I feel totally burned out, it's constant stress every day. My hubby is very supportive and does what he can but he too is burned out.
There is something very wrong with that picture...I'm just saying.
And of course he's "very supportive" because it's you that's doing all the work and not him, for HIS mother.
Sadly your first mistake was to move into your MIL's house 2 years ago, when you knew that she was a difficult and negative woman, but you can now correct that mistake, by moving out and let other family members take over your MIL's care, or she can hire full-time in-home help with her money or she can be placed in the appropriate facility.
And if money is an issue then she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
You should be out and about enjoying your retirement and spending quality time with your children and grandchildren if applicable, not looking after an ornery old woman who doesn't appreciate anything that you've done for her.
So I wish you well in finding a new place to live with your husband so you can get back to some sort of peace in your life.
At 95, it might be time to consider placing her into LTC anyway. It rarely works out having an aging parent in the same home, and you will get more of your own life back.
There is no long-term solution we can give you to lessen burnout other than to move out.
She will only get worse, and with decline and progressing dementia, burnout will only increase. It will be 100% unproductive to tell her your feelings -- dementia prevents her from caring. Please educate yourself about dementia by either reading some books or watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube.
In the meantime, you can get some relief by using her money to hire in-home companion aids to entertain and distract her, maybe even take her out on errands if she's able. Or, find an Adult Day Care program and tell her a therapeutic fib as to where she's going and why.
The other relatives have chosen their boundaries and are entitled to them. No one can be assumed into a caregiving role.
I know you meant well... this is how so many adult children end up burned out.
If you wish to change it you are perfectly capable of discussing that, then telling MIL she will need to go into placement, and go on living your own life.
This is your choice. Knowing that this is C-H-O-I-C-E will allow you to live with it with more ease.
I moved in with my mom for a little over 4 years. Because it was her house, she sometimes thought her rules were what I had to live by. Nope. I was there to help her and that gave me rights. But it was not comfortable to go against her and I was often exhausted. I had to move back to my own house to be myself again. A funny story, once when we had a disagreement and I went home, she stayed angry, but couldn't remember what about, so she called and asked what our argument had been about. I laughed and asked if she wished to continue it. She then laughed too, and said she guessed not.
Stop letting this woman dictate.
Set boundaries . Stand up for yourself.
Practice these phrases,
“ No I can not do that “ .
” That will not be possible “.
”. I can no longer provide the level of care MIL needs”.
“ MiL will need to move out to get the care she needs”.
“ I know longer want to be a caregiver , due to the negative effects it has on me “.
When the elderly refuse hired help at home then they go to a facility . It’s that simple . They don’t get to make you a care slave.
My mother is dead going on 7 years this November and I am still angry over the entitlement that my mother expected me to move in with her and to care for her and neglect my husband and youngest child still a teen at home .
Your MIL “ has always been negative and difficult to be around “.
I’d tell your husband either his mother moves out or you do .
Better yet , you and your husband move out since it’s MIL’s home . MIL decides if she is going to hire 24/7 care at home ( which is too expensive for most people) , or go to assisted living ( selling her home to pay for it if necessary ).
MiL DOES NOT get to decide to make you stay there and be her caregiver . Again , I would quit this caregiving and your husband will have to deal with his mother one way or the other .
Respite care can be done at an Assisted living facility, if they have a room, but she will have to pay for it. Tell her your going on a vacation and you need her to stay in this AL while your gone so you know she is cared for. It can be a week or more. She may find she likes it. The socialization and activies. The feeling your eating out every night. If she likes it, maybe you can get her to stay.
Said, Dear MIL, I love you but I cannot live here permanently. I am moving back to my own home.I would like to help set up home help services for you before I leave. I will keep in touch & visit.
Actually, what do you imagine happenong if you said that? What would stop you?
Is that what you want? Or do you want to live with MIL but have a better, fairer, arrangement?