My mom is 83 and has dementia. She has lived in a care home for less than a year. Before that she lived in her house for the past 50 years. Since being at the care home place, she has declined a lot. The place itself very nice and the people are nice. She is very focused on going home. We put pictures up in her room and things from her old home and she takes them down and packs her stuff to go home. She also started asking us if we could call her mom to pick her up. It is heartbreaking to say the least. My husband and I usually pick her up and take her to lunch on the weekends. She does not know who we are but just that we visit and take her places. This last time was not good. When we pulled up to the care home place she said, “no, take me home.” We told her she was home and we needed to go inside. She refused to get out of the car and was yelling and crying to please take her home. We tried several tactics to get her inside but she would not budge. I said, “mom we just had a nice time, let’s not ruin it.” She said she didn’t care. I said “if you want to keep going places then you can’t act this way, so let’s go inside.” She said, “then take me home and then forget about me.” Other family members take her to church and other places and she does the same thing now. Next time I visit I will not be taking her anywhere which is sad. I am hoping this will pass. I’m wondering how others handle things like this. Thank you.
Ativan helped my mom quite a bit with her anxiety and agitation about finding her parents and going home. Not too long after this agitation started, mom began hospice and she passed away a few months later. She was finally at peace and reunited with her siblings and parents, thank God.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
When she starts up about 'going home' tll her exactly what Lealonnnie says in the comments. The house is being renovated. That's a good one.
Hopefully the packing will stop soon. If it doesn't and she grts agitated about it, ask the facility to give her an anti-anxiety medication to help keep her calm.
Meet her on her level. No point in complicated sentences because she can't understand them now. For instance, "if you want to keep going places" is one thought. "Then you can't act this way" is another thought right up on the heels of the last one. "So let's go inside" is yet another thought that pivots in a different direction on top of the last two. Decoding those three progressions in rapid succession is too much for her brain. Thinking is really very complicated, and being adept at it is an amazing skill, which she is losing.
Keep to short declarative sentences. Eliminate the word "because" from your communications with her. "We have to go inside BECAUSE it's going to rain" makes no sense if she no longer understands cause and effect. You'll find other ways to alter your communications with her as you go along.
Your thinking and ingrained habits need to change because hers can't. Again, I'm sorry. My husband is in memory care, and these things have worked for me.
"She does not know who we are but just that we visit and take her places."
Maybe you need to pull back on weekly visits.
You can bring lunch/supper to her and enjoy it with her in her care home.
As I'm sure you're aware, folks with any of the dementias do much better with routine and when their routine is disrupted like taking them out for the day, all hell can break loose, as you have experienced.
Your mom can't help it, but if you want to keep her calm, please don't continue to take her out of her safe and comfortable routine. Her brain just can't handle it anymore.
You'll need to get creative.
But please don't increase her agitation by taking her out of the facility. I agree with FunkyGrandma that taking her out is doing more harm than good.
That doesn’t mean you are selfish or a bad person! You want to help her. You care about her. You mean well.
Mom’s world has shrunk, if that makes sense. Taking her out to lunch may as well be across the country. What is a few hours can feel like a few weeks to them.
Bring meals and treats to her . Attend an activity with her , watch a movie etc .
Just don’t take her out anymore .
And this is what she wants to go home to. A time 60 years ago. Every time you take her out, she thinks she’ll be going home to that.
This episode (should be on paramount plus) plus Black Mirror San Junipero (Netflix) are the closest allegories to dementia I’ve seen. Watch both.
Even though she already lived in her house she had designed and built she wanted to go home. She also wanted her mother.
I think the home they are seeking is the home of their young childhood.
"Now we get out of the car." "This is your home."
"We get out of the car."
"We go to your room."
"Time to go to where you live."
"This is where you live."
Use clear concise simple sentences. Speak slowly.
Try diversions.
Respond: "You are home." "What is your favorite color?"
"You are home." "What is your favorite thing to do?"
"You are home." "What do you think dinner is tonight?"
"You are home." "Show me the outside patio."
Essentially change subject by asking her open ended questions.
I know this is hard. When Mom didn't know me I think she thought I was just another caregiver.
"Mom is in Philadelphia." "We are going to walk around the hall now."
"Mom is out of town." "What do you want for dinner?"
"Mom is with Dad." "What do you do for fun?"
Respond briefly and ask diversionary open ended question.
Once my Mom was in an AL, I never referenced her home in any way. Or said the word home. My daughter would say she was going to work. I would say "see you later". I did not even take Mom back to her house or even ride by it. Out of sight, out of mind. I would take any of those pictures of her house off the walls.
Remember, Mom probably does not remember what you have said from one minute to the next. She has lost her short-term memory.
When Mom is unwilling or unable to get out of a car then it is time to stop taking her on rides.