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My mom is 83 and has dementia. She has lived in a care home for less than a year. Before that she lived in her house for the past 50 years. Since being at the care home place, she has declined a lot. The place itself very nice and the people are nice. She is very focused on going home. We put pictures up in her room and things from her old home and she takes them down and packs her stuff to go home. She also started asking us if we could call her mom to pick her up. It is heartbreaking to say the least. My husband and I usually pick her up and take her to lunch on the weekends. She does not know who we are but just that we visit and take her places. This last time was not good. When we pulled up to the care home place she said, “no, take me home.” We told her she was home and we needed to go inside. She refused to get out of the car and was yelling and crying to please take her home. We tried several tactics to get her inside but she would not budge. I said, “mom we just had a nice time, let’s not ruin it.” She said she didn’t care. I said “if you want to keep going places then you can’t act this way, so let’s go inside.” She said, “then take me home and then forget about me.” Other family members take her to church and other places and she does the same thing now. Next time I visit I will not be taking her anywhere which is sad. I am hoping this will pass. I’m wondering how others handle things like this. Thank you.

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Stop taking mom out of her care home now, it's causing her issues as often happens with advanced dementia. The mind regresses back to when they were young and living with their parents in the childhood home. This is the "home" they seek. And the deceased parents they long to see. Telling mom the care home IS home does not solve the issue and only frustrates her more. You must enter HER reality now. And keep her in familiar surroundings where she's less likely to freak out. Tell mom her home is being renovated and she can see it soon. Bring lunch to her now. Tell the relatives the outings are over, mom can't handle it.

Ativan helped my mom quite a bit with her anxiety and agitation about finding her parents and going home. Not too long after this agitation started, mom began hospice and she passed away a few months later. She was finally at peace and reunited with her siblings and parents, thank God.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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Daughterof1930 Jun 18, 2025
Wise and compassionate words
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Sadly your mom is now at the point where taking her out of her familiar surroundings is doing her way more harm than good, so it's best that all family members/friends now refrain from taking her anywhere.
You can bring lunch/supper to her and enjoy it with her in her care home.
As I'm sure you're aware, folks with any of the dementias do much better with routine and when their routine is disrupted like taking them out for the day, all hell can break loose, as you have experienced.
Your mom can't help it, but if you want to keep her calm, please don't continue to take her out of her safe and comfortable routine. Her brain just can't handle it anymore.
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It is now too distressing for your mother to leave the facility .
Bring meals and treats to her . Attend an activity with her , watch a movie etc .
Just don’t take her out anymore .
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Excellent advice from Lealonnie.

"She does not know who we are but just that we visit and take her places."
Maybe you need to pull back on weekly visits.
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I'm so sorry, but taking her out causes her distress and is no longer possible. At this point, if you continue to take her out, you'll be doing it so you will feel better in hopes of maintaining a sense of normality and family. As you've seen, nothing is normal now, and she doesn't know family. That's one of the sadnesses of her disease.

Meet her on her level. No point in complicated sentences because she can't understand them now. For instance, "if you want to keep going places" is one thought. "Then you can't act this way" is another thought right up on the heels of the last one. "So let's go inside" is yet another thought that pivots in a different direction on top of the last two. Decoding those three progressions in rapid succession is too much for her brain. Thinking is really very complicated, and being adept at it is an amazing skill, which she is losing.

Keep to short declarative sentences. Eliminate the word "because" from your communications with her. "We have to go inside BECAUSE it's going to rain" makes no sense if she no longer understands cause and effect. You'll find other ways to alter your communications with her as you go along.

Your thinking and ingrained habits need to change because hers can't. Again, I'm sorry. My husband is in memory care, and these things have worked for me.
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It's sad but the time has come where your mother cannot be taken out anymore. Now any social events will have to be done at her care home. Like getting take-out and eating with her, or attending one of the activites the facility has going on.

When she starts up about 'going home' tll her exactly what Lealonnnie says in the comments. The house is being renovated. That's a good one.

Hopefully the packing will stop soon. If it doesn't and she grts agitated about it, ask the facility to give her an anti-anxiety medication to help keep her calm.
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You and your family must immediately stop taking her out of the facility. ASAP. Taking her out is NOT in her best interest now even if it might make you feel better.
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It sounds like it would be best to use a room at the facility to plan an indoor picnic where you bring in food from her favorite places. Possibly try to have someone from the salon come there to do her nails or hair. Could the pastor or priest come to the facility occasionally to pray with her and family and offer communion?
You'll need to get creative.
But please don't increase her agitation by taking her out of the facility. I agree with FunkyGrandma that taking her out is doing more harm than good.
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cover9339 Jun 18, 2025
Not the same as being outside getting some fresh air outside those 4 walls.
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Sometimes we do things that make US feel better. Like, “I’m a good son/daughter for taking mom out for a day.” Except you’re not doing a good thing by taking her out anymore.

That doesn’t mean you are selfish or a bad person! You want to help her. You care about her. You mean well.

Mom’s world has shrunk, if that makes sense. Taking her out to lunch may as well be across the country. What is a few hours can feel like a few weeks to them.
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Agree with the others--

When Mom is unwilling or unable to get out of a car then it is time to stop taking her on rides.
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