I live with my mother and help take care of her. I have been doing this full-time since 2005 (14 years now) with little to no help from my older siblings who live across the country. The oldest sibling lives in Washington DC and she actually has done a lot more to help me and our mother. When I needed a vacation, she came to Ohio and stayed with my mom. That gave me peace of mind to be able to relax on my vacation. The main issue is, I make next to nothing and I am always financially struggling. My sister makes probably three times what I do. But the one that bothers me the most is my brother. He is rather financially comfortable, even though he constantly says he is not. He just bought a place in California that is 1.2 million dollars. This month, I am paying rent LATE for the first time ever. I am under so much stress and my brother does nothing to help our mom. On her birthday in August, he got her ... nothing. On Christmas... nothing. I scraped by to get her a few very small gifts to make Christmas something to enjoy. But the icing on the cake is that whenever he does call, it is like he is Jesus Christ. My brother is the golden child and does absolutely nothing for her. I get the doom and gloom from mom and her severe depression and he calls and she perks up and is happy as can be. I just feel so cheated. My sister is mad at him to, for the exact same reasons.
I know I probably need to let this all go, but I want to scream sometimes because I am single, I have NO social life or any chances of meeting anyone because I am also a gay man living in rural Ohio. I gave up ever thinking I could have someone. I battle depression daily because of all of this. I have had my stress levels skyrocket because of this.
So, I am planning another vacation later this year IF I can get caught up financially and that might not happen. But I think it is my brother's turn to take care of mom while I am gone. Issue is, he will not do it. I know my sister probably would but how can I get my brother to step up and do something to help her?
Open to any and all advice...
It is possible - you may alas think likely - that he will brush this off, laugh it off, make excuses or even take offence at being asked. In which case, all you can really do is pack as much restrained contempt into your voice as seems appropriate. You can't force him to lift a finger.
It is, I know, almost impossible not to pick away at the issue of why some adult children do these things. Perhaps it often is the favourite child: my brother loathed my mother's adoration and writhed whenever he came into contact with her, so it's not always just a case of spoiled entitled brat. Why not acknowledge her birthday, send her a Christmas card, make a habit of calling her every third Sunday or whatever? How hard can it be? Well! - too hard, apparently.
But one thing you can be sure of: if you don't put a straightforward proposal to your brother, he definitely can't agree to it. Give him a fair chance. He might surprise you.
When he doesn't, we'll have to think of something else...
By the way. If you are the only gay man in rural Ohio I will eat my hat. I realise it's not exactly the centre of the Pride universe, of course, but just think through the statistics.
Not to defend him, but a 1.2 million house in California is a fixer upper. In parts of California, making $100,000/year is considered low income. So it's all relative.
Sad, the things you learn about your family when your parents get old and sick.
1. Yes, write to your brother and state that you're planning to be away from __ thru ___ and Mom would greatly benefit if he would please arrange his calendar to be with Mom during that time. Put the emphasis on your mother rather than on you.
2. Yes, please look into respite care where your mother can not only be cared for in whatever way she needs medically and physically, but it can also provide a more social situation than one gets living at home.
3. You don't mention this, but I wonder if your mother attends any day programs, as that could also give you some breaks as well.
4. Check with your church, synogogue, community centers, senior centers and neighbors who could come and "visit" with mom a couple of evenings each week or on weekends to give you regular breaks so you can go out socially and not feel trapped at home and isolated. Many people like to help, but they need to be asked.
5. IF your mother needs more help than a neighbor or volunteer could provide, then asking your siblings to pay for an aide to be with mom 1 night/ week (this would be a fairly nominal cost) and you could have your night out and this would help you recharge your batteries...
It's important that you stay focused on what it is you want rather than on the emotional turmoil your siblings (brother in particular) cause because that just creates more turmoil in your head and heart...
Be clear, be direct and be focused... you will get what you need and want, it just may happen in ways you haven't yet expected... and we breathe...
I got that off my chest. So, they won't help you. Don't expect it. If they're married with kids, they have their own issues. Be ready to get the blame for everything and the left over praise for what they attempt to do.
I wish there were a better answer, but there isn't.
Make sure they have a nice seat for the funeral.
We assume they know all we know, and they DO NOT.
My OS would happily write a check for any amount if it meant she didn't have to actually lay hands on mother or "do" anything. Perhaps this is the situation with your family. My younger brother is the same way. His wife does not want him "helping out" but she isn't the one working and if he opts to throw a couple hundred bucks a month at mom, he should be able to do it! SIL will get something from the $1 store for mom for birthdays, and frankly it's just offensive.
You may have to swallow your pride and simply ASK. Worst thing they can say is no.
She's not just a mom to "YOU" she is the mother of all of you, and there;s no reason why they can't pitch in monthly.
If you had a few extra bucks maybe you could get out and meet some new friends....it's a lonely life, caregiving.
BTW, I think all families have the "Golden Boy". Mom's first one died a few years ago, but the 2nd place just stepped up. He is rich beyond measure and travels and plays to a fare thee well. It bothers me to no end that he doesn't go see mom. His wife has allergies, mother has cats..he isn't allowed to go without her...but he could certainly mail a check.
Mother lives with YB who is barely getting by. I'll kick in for groceries or do gift cards, etc., but brother should be recompensed some. With cash.
Try the email approach, lay it out there--add that you're struggling to make rent and maybe that will touch their hearts.
my parents, NOT my brothers, and it has been hard to forgive them. Times are changing but I’d stress 2 things: ALL siblings should contribute and, above all- for the sake of your mental & emotional health - NEVER let yourself be the
ONLY one doing all the caregiving. And make sure you’re paid if you are; but this burden should never be borne by one person alone.
The days of thinking women are only good for reproduction and taking care of everyone else’s needs ARE OVER!
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