What if I didn't pick Dad up from rehab?

I only spoke with one place in Queens, who stated a studio started you're right I was mistaken at $3,000 for a studio . Then you add on for every thing they need assistance with. As I said it is only a solution for the very wealthy.No help for the middle class who worked their entire lives. Too rich for Medicaid, the system is awful and as the baby boomers start aging out it is only going to get worse.

Wish you could give your father a cell phone that has a busy signal. Sounds like paranoia. Meanwhile, read all the articles on dealing with the dementia (demon-tia?). They will help you to realize that it's not personal, although, it's hard not to think this way. My last visit to my Aunt did not end well, because, I did take it personal. If I had stopped to think about that idea for a minute I would not have left so abruptly. Guilt, anger, resentment, frustration, etc. will get you down. It's all a part of the deal and there's nothing to like about it. Thank goodness for this site! It's like having a cheering squad or a best friend to lean on.

After reading all the comments and advice I have nothing to add except my support. I believe you are doing the right thing by trying to take care of yourself. You deserve a life. Hang in there and God Bless you.

sounds like it is time to hand over the responsibility to the professionals, step back and start looking after yourself. If you refuse to take him back, saying you are not able to care for him - say so, stand your ground to whoever, and then they are obliged to find a placement for him.
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Great example of why one should never sign and accept responsibility for someone else.
If you signed him into the rehab your screwed.
If not, it the hospital sent him: Say keep him and tell them to contact his lawyer (and tell give your lawyer a heads up)

blueridge: hugs to you. Your first priority is your family. My guess is dad does not really care about them, very little, or it is or was feigned. My guess is he's a narc, and has been his entire life.
Time to hand him off and don't buy the 'but he's your daaad' routine.
best of luck

This post was difficult to read. The fact that dad is 87 and physically in good health coming out of a successful surgery. He would not be a candidate for a nursing home. I would arrange help in the home for him as he finishes healing from the surgery. Allow him to live in his home, if you are there you need to leave the home given your desire to move on and not be around him. If he has other family members try to get them involved overseeing his recovery from surgery. Although millions of elderly Americans are on their own when they are discharged from hospital or rehab, they manage or don't on their own.

Just because you don't care to be around him isn't enough of a reason to put him in a nursing home if he is "physically strong".

I don't know understand the resentment in the post but it sounds like you need to move on and out. Good luck to both of you.

"...has dementia and his manic/depressive/egotistic/delusions of grandeur personality" - in in other words, he's mentally ill. People with families, like the OP, should not expose their children to unpredictable mental illness 24/7. If she has POA, the OP can sell off his assets to pay for his care. If no one has POA, she can advise Adult Protective Services that he needs a public guardian. With a public guardian who charges a fee, assets are only spent as needed and if there is anything left over, heirs inherit it. You can still visit your relative, you are just not responsible for their money nor their care. It's a good hands-off way to handle abusive elderly.

Dave Ramsey, in talking about a similar situation on his Christian radio program about money, recently said, "You can love the dog all you want, but if the dog reaches out and bites you when you pet it, you should stay away from the dog." I go a little further and say that if that dog bites you when you come close, you are tempting the dog to sin. Since I don't want to induce anyone to sin, I am going to stay far away even from the dog I love who bites me. Yes, just so I don't give him the opportunity to sin.

Honoring a parent can be making sure they are taken care of, it does not mean loving them, a hard concept to grasp if you were not an abused child yourself. Dennis Praeger had an excellent article about honoring mother and father in Dec 14. BlueRidge, you have asked a fine question that deserves thoughtful answers.

Your children are your priority - follow your gut and your heart.