My dad had successful surgery a couple weeks ago and is in rehab at a very nice nursing home. He is physically strong for 87, but has dementia and his manic/depressive/egotistic/delusions of grandeur personality is as bad as ever. The nursing home dropped the pay-down to medicaid bomb on me - 5 years of all records etc. $8,000+ per month etc.
Question: What if I just didn't pick him up from rehab? What would they do? I've put myself in a lather trying to figure out where to put him. What if I just left him there? I'm not bringing him home. I simply don't want him anymore. I'm sorry - I don't want him around me. I don't want to care for him. I'd be just happy if they kept him and liened his property and social security etc. I don't mind that - it seems they'd do that anyway. Would they put him in a car and bring him to my doorstep? Would they just keep him and apply for medicaid themselves? What would they do? Does anyone know?

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I agree with those who say that if you feel you cannot caregive any more, then be honest and say so, and say you cannot take him back home, as suggested by some of the posters.

To the others - there are some here who care for a parent who has mentally, emotionally and or physically and sometimes sexually abused them all their life. It is not recommended by experts that those care givers give hands-on care, but rather see that others care for their parent. Blueridge seems to fall in that category - "his manic/depressive/egotistic/delusions of grandeur personality is as bad as ever". I fall in that category and would never do hands on caregiving of my mother, but see that she is cared for at arm's length. Yes, the parent has been that bad, and yes we are still involved, as we do care. Staying at arm's length is done for self preservation.

BlueRidge - sounds like it is time to hand over the responsibility to the professionals, step back and start looking after yourself. If you refuse to take him back, saying you are not able to care for him - say so, stand your ground to whoever, and then they are obliged to find a placement for him. Tell them that you are past the end of your tether, that he has been abusive all your life and you cannot take any more. Good luck and come back and let us know who you make out.. ((((((hugs)))) do something good for you today.
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You sound overwhelmed! First, let's break this down into small steps. 1. Make it clear to the discharge folks that you are unable to care for dad any longer. 2. Find an eldercare attorney who can help you sort out paperwork and finances. 3. Find out if his current facility wil take him as Medicaid pending. If not, work with the discharge folks to find one that will. It sounds like right now dad needs memory care, but you should probably look into a continuous care community that will care for him throughout his last years.
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Talk the social services group at rehab. They won't release him without knowing where and who will be taking care of him. Normally this conversation is well before discharge date. Just be honest with them. Sounds like you have done all you can. That is fine and nothing to feel guilty about.

You want him to have the best care but that doesn't mean you have to do it physically yourself. Your life is important and you deserve to enjoy it!

Best of luck!
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It was my impression that this was a "safe' forum to talk about how we feel and get constructive advice and feedback. I read over and over again from people who have been beaten down emotionally and, sometimes, physically, at the hand of the person they are caring for." Don't be ashamed of your feelings" we say, "you're not alone", "There is no shame in admitting when you are at the end of your rope". Those of you who are shaming this person for their feelings and the way they chose to express them have obviously not been "in the trenches as long as some of the rest of us OR you just like to condemn. Either way, please try to meet people where they are and try not to judge. Wow, seriously dissapointed in what I've read.
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The rehab will call you and tell you he's your father, and you're obligated to take care of him - just as he did when you were a child and growing up. If that doesn't work, they will call APS (adult protective service). They will do the same song and dance to you that the rehab did - but worse - threaten you with neglect. If you truly don't want to care for him anymore, just keep saying no. If you give in, and he moves back to your home, he would be the wiser. No more voluntary hospital visits because this time you really won't pick him up. He's out of your house, and now is the best time to stand your ground.
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I don't have any sort of agenda. I'm just tired of him. Tired of him before he got old and more tired of him now that he is old. My other responsibilities rank higher - school-aged children, spouse, demanding job, mortgage, my own health etc. I don't have the time or energy to keep him company all day and cater to his needs. I only get 24 hours in my day and I have 30 hours worth of stuff to do even before you add him into the mix. It's time to pay others to do this I guess. Thanks all.
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I think your feeling like this ***now that he's in rehab*** is significant. It's only when you've briefly stopped banging your head against a wall that you can think clearly enough to see what a bad idea it would be to start doing it again. I'd guess you've been overstretched for a terribly long time.

So, what if you refused to pick him up from rehab? That is the right question: find out what the next steps are, based on the firm premise that his coming back to your care is Not An Option.

Also, re-reading, it sounds as if there may be no problem. If the NH has set the financial process out for you, and you're content to comply with it, is there any reason you can't just go along? And further if you're happy with the NH's standards and they also provide long term care, so much the better: long-term solution, right first time. I'd call that a result.
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BlueRidge big hug to you for having the courage to post your question, no judgements here should be had we all have reasons for what we do. I work in the health care system in Canada and if this were to happen here (and yes it does happen) the person is unable to care for themselves or make their own decisions is placed under a court appointed Public Trustee. This professional person is appointed by the courts and takes over the patients finances and makes all health care related decisions including hiring private care if finances can afford and if living at home is a viable realistic safe option. If your dad has appointed a POA and that person or you has enduring POA that will need to be revoked prior to be placed under Public Trustee. Please don't feel like you have to hide from the medical system or his caregivers if you choose to do this. You still have the right as does your dad to have a relationship with you. Parents can place kids up for adoption, adult children don't have the same luxury when we know we can't 'parent' our parents. Take care
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I have a mother who's a malignant narcisist, has dementia, and I stay Away. I applaud you Blueridge, for havin' the nerve to post this and take on all the MORONS. I totally support you as a lifelong abuse survivor, and I bless you. I remember as a child, no one believed me, but I believe you. Take care.
Helpful Answer (6)

@ fedup - as blueridge says - you have done all you can. Time to look after you and decrease your stress levels. Some people paint themselves into a corner. You watch it happening, try to prevent it but you can't. My mother has ended up in a geriatric psychiatric hospital totally isolated, by her choices. I am in the background and look after her finances, and see that she has what she needs - at arm's length. Eve that isn't easy.You can't do anything right for a narcissist, so you do what you think is the right thing and leave it at that. You probably have a life time to recover from. You are making the right decisions - protect yourself. I wish I had figured that out sooner. (((((((hugs)))))
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