Did I make the wrong choice pulling my mother off of life support?

Luke, much respect to you for helping your mom through her final journey, figuratively and literally.

I think you need to let yourself start the process of healing now. Start with getting some rest, even if you just get comfortable and don't sleep. Put some meditative music on, make yourself some chamomile tea and close your eyes. Don't think about anything. Sleep will come. Take each moment as it comes. The future will be as it is. Live in the now. You will get through this.

While you grieve, Luke, do remember to celebrate your Mom's life. Make a scrapbook of wonderful memories and decorate it with verse, butouts, drawings. Write her letters about things you wish you could tell her.
What a wonderful thing you did to honor your Mom and lay her to rest as you did.
Pay her love forward, as the expression goes. Use the goodness and mercy and joy of your love to make of our world a better place, a happier place.
I wish you the best. You take your time. Mourning is something individual as a thumbprint. We all do it differently.
You say you wish your Mom had died in one minute. But do know, that is so rare. My Dad did just that, sat in his brown velveteen easy lounger watching Larry King Live (Monica Lewinsky was on). Took two deep breaths and was gone, not even having a second to say "ouch" to my Mom. What a shock for her; for us all, but what a mercy for him. I know exactly how you feel. You Mom is at peace. She honestly will never be gone from you. I think I can guarantee you that, and increasingly her memories will become a joy, a comfort, and perhaps even some laughter.
Best to you.

Hello Luck, sounds so wonderful and tranquil. I believe you made the right decision. Your mother must have expressed her desire for this to be her final resting place and if that is the case you made the right decision but either way it is so great. Take care of yourself. I am glad you have family support.

Dear "Luke1975,"

It sounds like a beautiful place! (I just looked up images for the Adriatic Sea - it's gorgeous!!) Even though it took so much to get your mother there, I think when you get much needed sleep you will be at peace with your decision. Anything good and worthwhile takes a lot of effort.

You're right, you really haven't started the grieving process but, now this will be the beginning.

You said despite all those who have "praised" you for doing the right thing, you still will be second guessing your decision to take your mom off life support. Sometimes in life, we run across people who have lost a loved one who are "inconsolable" and I mean no offense but, I think you're one of them - meaning there's nothing anyone can do or say that will make you think otherwise. I know another forum member, "joelfmi118," (just one example as there are too many others to list) who lost his wife of 53 years due to a decision he says Governor Andrew Cuomo made - he too, is inconsolable - there's nothing anyone of us can say to ease the insufferable pain both you, he and others are going through.

That being said, all we can really do is encourage you all to keep taking one step forward with each passing day and pray that one day you'll forgive yourself for the decision that was made (or in his case the other party) and find peace and rest. Neither one of them can be brought back and it's up to the "inconsolable" to learn how to carry on in a way that your mother (and his wife) would want you to live the rest of your days.


"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I have put my mother lay to rest in Europe, yesterday. I am utterly exhausted. Beyond exhaustion. At very best total of three hours of sleep in the last 5 days.
it took so much heartache to finally ship her body here and bury her next to her first born son. Even after all the paperworks was finished her body showed up here in Europe 2 days later than the initial supposed arrival date.
It was a long grueling emotionally draining process but i kept telling my sisters don't give up because is worth it, even though i started regretting everything within a week onward about my decision to bury her here.
But, i think it was all worth it. Once her body arrived here we had already arranged rental restaurant and waiting place for people to come pay their respects. Within 20 hours before her burial at least 1000 people showed up paying their respect because they were notified by my relatives here beforehand. Its a very old school country and tradition so its not out of ordinary at all. Then we proceeded to bury my mother upon a hill in my grand grand father’s donated land for burial to catholics and muslims alike. My mother was laid to rest next to her first born son’s grave and next to my grandfather.
my sisters thanked me for insisting to bury her here, even though i even expressed doubts during the long wait and struggles to bring her body here.
My grieving has not even started yet, but at this point i know i did the right thing to bring her body here. We still have to wait on hundreds or a thousand people to come pay their respects, thats just how it works around here.
Her grave side was even more beautiful landscape than I remembered since i was a kid. Huge gigantic mountain on the east and a huge lake view & Adriatic sea in the west. And is where all my ancestors are buried for the last 3-4 centuries, my inherited land upon the hill.
despite all the praise from everyone for my decision to bury her here with me there still remains this doubt, whether i did the right thing to pull her off life support. Once i get back to US i will keep asking questions again and again from professionals if my decision was right or wrong. But as for now, I desperately need some rest which i cant seem to find in anyway shape or form, someday,
perhaps I will.

Dear "Luke1975,"

So glad you are finding new strength with each passing day. You did do the most merciful thing for her.

Now, continue with your thinking of how much more unbearable it would have been if after being taken off life support and you nor anyone else was with her.

YOU were with her holding her hand and cradling her head - there truly are so many people who die utterly alone. Your mom didn't - she had the one child she was the closest to - her one and only son.

I mean no disrespect when I say this, Luke - at some point in life you would have lost your mom - she can't live forever on this earth but, she can live forever in your heart.

As of my thought process these days, between reading all your answers and replaying all the firm repeated advise from the doctors and nurses which technically were trying their best to tell me to make the call i did, as much is it pains me deeply, i’m leaning towards the idea that was the right merciful thing to do.
The main doctor told me that it might take her several hours to pass after taking her off life support the final minutes before he walked way from the room, and he still was very firm in his assessment that was the right thing to do. So the way I understand it, it took her 45 minutes maybe less, not more, which indicates that she might have passed all alone within days in the ICU room.
She would have been all alone because the doctors were not doing anything at all to cure her, they were just letting her die, they never even played with the idea that anything could be done for her and they would no longer allow anyone to even come visit her so my mother would have been all alone and that would have killed me every passing minute, because my mother has never been alone in all her life. She has always been surrounded with her kids and grandchildren every minute of her life.
Of course my emotions swing back and forth like a pendulum, between what if i made the wrong horrible choice or the honorable merciful thing, and each end of this swing brings me silently in tears, but I'm handling it ok and i feel stronger everyday. You’re all the biggest part of this healing process for me, so thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Dear "Luke,"

So glad to hear you're doing better and that the necessary things that need to be taken care of are getting done with the help of your sister. Be thankful to have some teamwork.

You are stronger than you think, nightmares will subside, eventually you won't replay those last moments over and over and you will be able to focus more on all the times you've had throughout your life that were wonderful.

It's still way too fresh for you to be there and as I've told someone else "you are nowhere near going through the 'year of firsts'. "

It's ok to feel like you want to sleep on your mom's bed as right now it's a comfort to you and you feel close to her. When my dad died, I had my own type of rituals for lack of a better way of putting it. In my case, I tried to make each occasion or new milestone something special which is what helped me get through it. Some choose to bury their pain but, I've heard for those that it comes back later on down the road almost as if to haunt them because they didn't work through it or face it head on. But, everybody must handle it in their own personal way.

You just keep putting one foot in front of the other and realize you will have good days and bad days all mixed in and don't be surprised by that fact. It doesn't mean anything is wrong, it's just how it tends to work.

Many on the forum who have provided you with help and comfort will be glad to read you are doing well and that they were able to contribute in some way.

Continue to take care of yourself and your sisters.

Will continue to pray as you try to move forward.

Luke, so happy to hear the update that you are doing well as you negotiate this mourning time. Remember to celebrate the love, as well as mourn the loss. I think you know you did the right thing, the only thing you could have, but those last decisions have such hold sometimes. Wishing you much acceptance and relief of pain going forward.

Hi Luka, just wondering how you and your sisters are doing. Are you able to sleep? And not much drinking I hope? And the paperwork moving along?

Luke, if none of us could convince you that you did the right thing, then I hope your mother could convince you. Do you have a history of hallucinations? If not, then I believe your mother came to you in your dream to tell you she's alright. Believe it.

As for the long red tape to get your mother's body shipped overseas for burial, sigh...., yes, California has strict rules about everything. I sympathize with you on this. I once worked on a housing development project in a city in California that was very finicky about every aspect of the project: the design, the colors, the conformity, the facade, the construction, the environment, the reproductive cycles of the critters and fishes near by, the timing, the unhappy neighbors, the traffic, etc. Everything under the sun had to be reviewed and revised multiple times before it was approved. It took 3 years to get the permit to start construction. Millions of dollars were spent before we even broke ground.

I'm sure your plan will go more quickly and not as expensive.

I hope you can sleep tonight.

Last night I could not sleep at all, I had this overwhelming anxiety and darkness then late at night I dozed off for 15-20 minutes and my mother appeared in my dream. I don’t know if it was a dream or hallucination from lack of sleep but was vivid. She was with my sister at her house which i am staying now and this lady was sitting\laying next to my sister in the couch while my sister was playing with her hair, but i couldn't see her face because she was looking up and facing the window, I waited to see who it is, staring at her then my mother turns around sits up facing directly at me with the most loving smile I ever seen on her. The kinda smile that you can feel and touches you deeply, not just see, And she didn't say a single word.
Then i woke up again smoked a cigarette and never went back to sleep. Very strange experience.

Now the biggest stress and worst news I got today is that here in California is the worst place to get her paperworks done to ship her body overseas for burial.
So much complications so many stamps seals death certificate and county recorder offices are closed due to covid this is another living nightmare.

Luke, it WAS her time to go . You made it easier for her, that's all. You don't need to have anything "on your conscience".

You made the best decision that you could with the information you had at the time. Every case is DIFFERENT. You had good intentions and were following advice of her doctors. That's the best you could have done.
Your decision was made based on statistics conveyed to you by your doctor. Being removed from life support and dying so quickly, indicates that she would not have survived for much longer on life support.
Don't beat yourself up for making that decision.

Luke, we forgot about your sisters. They must be hurting so much too. I'm glad that you can be strong and support them. They need you.

Luke, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I don't advise posting any of your mother's medical records online because it's simply not necessary. The medical professionals gave you their best advice in regards to your mother's prognosis. You listened to that professional advice and you made the appropriate decision based on the presenting circumstances. If it where myself, I would have done the same. Witnessing your love one's death has to be somewhat traumatic for most people. Please consider grief counseling to help you through your grief and to process your feelings of guilt and self harm. May God bless you.

Encouragement to treat Luke as you would like to be treated posters.
I felt Goldie's comment: "u dont want that on your conscious that u pulled the plug for the rest of your life, like your doing, luke." was judgmental and insensitive towards Luke.

Even though we as caregivers are not mental health professionals speaking to someone with whom we have a client relationship, we can be supportive.

Especially if we have had a recent loss of an elder. I can affirm it feels surreal for some time. Two months later, I am wondering if there is anything I could have done, and I wasn't even there when he died under hospice's excellent care.

Talk it out here Luke. As others have mentioned, you may want to call on professionals in addition to your new friends here.

Sorry for your loss.

Question was asked, and answered.

So sorry for your loss, Luke.

Luke,
You will be able to let the manner of death go soon, and you will grieve that your mother is gone. Give yourself some time.
If you are accepting of yourself, and your Mother to need intervention at the last hours of her life. that may help you to move on.

Due to the public nature of a forum, I am concerned for you receiving criticisms that are not in your best interest, and at a very vulnerable time. People have opinions, some are harsh, some disagree with everything and everyone.

I suggest you open a new thread, focusing on your grief, and recovering your life after the loss of your loved one. There is even another thread dedicated to "Life After the Loss of a Loved One". People like you who have truly loved their Mom have posted there.

Dear "Luke1975,"

After reading your reply to "goldie1," I am very concerned about your well being. Please don't do anything rash while you're in the midst of your emotional pain and grief.

If anything, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline @ 800-273-8255 - at least talk to someone.

well luke i had a situation similiar to yours mom had her second stroke 4 years after her first, wound up on life support oxygen and food tube, was no longer feeding herself. i gets the call from brother from the hospital asking if they could take her off, and brother giving me every reason to him why we should, and i said, " u know brother the man gave the life and when its time, not when we decide its time , it will happen, u dont want that on your conscious that u pulled the plug for the rest of your life, like your doing, luke. i wouldnt wawnt that kind of guilt, that can lead to depression, when he blood pressure dropped and the heart slowed down and greadually stopped it was time, paramedics were called at the nursing home, but IT WAS TIME. and brother said to me man im glad i didnt, no one has that right to call when its time but the man.

I have held a loved one while they passed four times. You did the right thing. I don't think she was in any pain and the doctor's tell me often the gasping is a normal part of the dying process. It isn't always like that, but sometimes it is. You are a good son and you did the right thing.

I recommend you see if you can get some grief counseling. When my daddy died in 1974 there wasn't grief counseling available, I wish there had been. Losing him was like losing both my mom an dad because he helped take care of me when I was little, and my mother didn't care about me.

I wish you peace in your heart. You did the right thing and you are a good son.

Luke - I forgot to mention one more thing that may help.

My mom is 95 with Alzheimer's and nearly died of severe dehydration and COVID in mid-April.

Thankfully, we had all the paperwork filled out when she first was diagnosed in 2014 and was still able to make decisions with my help. She told me to never put her on a ventilator or allow feeding tubes. I told her I would honor her wishes and I thought I would have to follow through with those wishes in April.

When I went through a lot of her old paperwork, I found a little 3x5 index card with the words "Do for me, not to me" written on it - you did "for" your mom; not "to" her - may my mom's words give you some sense of comfort. I am an only child and am extremely close to my mom like you were to yours and I know my day is coming - that will be one day I dread!

Dear "Luke1975,"

Please accept my heartfelt condolences with your mom passing away. You were each other's world so it's no wonder the pain you feel runs deeply. I hope you will reread your own words and see woven throughout the facts reassuring you that you did the right thing.

1) You had two different doctors tell you she had no chance to ever be normal again AND dying with or without being on life support as well as becoming brain dead very soon; so in essence you had a second opinion.
2) Her last three days every nurse as well as the doctors on each shift in ICU reaffirmed she had ZERO chance of basically doing anything.
3) Your sisters knew the reality but, were too afraid to take the same action you ended up taking.
4) You stepped up and asked the doctor ONE more time and he reassured you that you were doing the right thing - the only "slight" hesitation was him saying she is progressing towards being brain dead but, not totally there yet. But there was no reason to prolong it, until she actually was brain dead.

With so much emotional pain and with the rapid changes that kept occurring, you acted in the most humane, methodical and loving way you could - one step at a time. First removing the breathing tube, having them give her morphine to keep her as comfortable as possible and then finally taking her off life support all while staying in the room with her and holding her hand and head. Please know that on some level she knew you were caring for her and was by her side every last step and breath of the way. So many people don't have that and die alone especially during the pandemic. Your mother knew you better than anyone ever could even your own sisters.

You then proceeded to tell your two strong sisters what decision you made and told the other two who weren't as strong that she died while on life support - once again, you really did the best not only for your mom but, your sisters as well knowing what they could and could not handle.

I've mentioned this to others before, when we are caring for someone we deeply love, it's almost a given that we will feel like we failed them. We are not God, we do not ultimately end their life. Our days are numbered...Psalm 139:16
The only thing you have to live with for the rest of your life is the love and bond you shared throughout life and letting go of her so she wouldn't suffer needlessly. What would you have gained by doing that? Having her for another day or two?

She had the best care she could possibly have; the doctors, nurses in ICU, your sisters and you. Your heart can have closure at some point if you start with knowing you made the right choice. Yes, it will take some time and work on your part. Especially, if you face it to the best of your ability each day being a new day. She will be with you ALWAYS! She is at her eternal rest and in peace.
There is no doubt that God knows your heart as well as intentions even more than you yourself does. He keeps all your tears in a bottle and records each one in His book. Your mother knew - how could she not with the type of bond you had.

We had my half sister on life support but, my mom had them take her off and as you know parent's who lose their child anguish because that's not how it's supposed to go. Doctors said it could be hours or days so we left the hospital. It took us an hour to get home and upon arriving, the phone rang - she had passed away. My mom felt terrible for not being there at that moment.

I read you had a drinking binge getting sick in the process. I can understand doing it in the moment of so much pain but, I really hope you won't make that a habit because just like "Gershun" said, it will not help in the long run. It truly will make it worse. It will make it even more surreal when it wears off.

God's ways are not our ways - they are often mysterious. Put your trust in Him - He knew all along how this would end.

I pray God will heal your brokenness as well as give you strength and peace.

(((hugs)))

You absolutely made the right decision. I watched my sister-in-law (also my best friend) go through a devastating brain stem stroke. She was placed on life support. We were told the exact things you were. The nurses told us that if we didn't take her off life support and let her go, that she could have a massive heart attack and that would be terrifying for the family to watch, and horrible for her. We took her off life support, and it was less than an hour and she was gone. This is an awful decision to have to make for a loved one, but know that you did make the right choice. She would have wanted you to let her go.

(((((((hugs))))) You did the right thing. I am a mother who pulled the plug on her youngest son aged 23. Most thankfully he let go of this world very peacefully. We all were devastated. I still am sometimes. But, even in the pain, I have peace that it was his time to go and that he is in heaven now, I will miss him till I see him again.

Sorry, I said daughter, but meant son...

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is a horrifying experience to make that life or death decision for someone and to witness them dying is traumatic to say the least.  It is totally understandable that you are devastated by this.  Based on everything you said the doctors told you, you made the right decision.  If you would have chosen to keep her hooked up to everything, she would have been existing...not living. What quality of life would she have had?  You did the right thing, now let yourself grieve.  You have lost your mom....you need to grieve.  Don't pile undeserved guilt on top of it.  You are a good daughter and your mom knows you were strong and did right by her.

I have experienced everything you just went through, only it took dad almost 2 weeks to pass.  I slept on a pallet next to his hospice bed the entire time listening to him gasp for air.  I left for 30 minutes to go home to eat and he passed while I was gone.  There are not words to describe that experience.  So I know exactly how you feel. 

Time does help Luke75.

I am so very sorry you had to endure that, but medical science has put us in situations that never used to arise. You did absolutely everything correctly. I'm tearing up thinking if I had had to do that with my own late mother. I would know it was right, but I would be torn down to my very soul. But you held her. You loved her. She knew it, I'm sure, at some level. May you be at peace.