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I can not believe I am even writing this! My parent was just sexually assaulted/fondled in a memory care nursing home by a cleaning employee! I am lost for words or even what to do next.


A police report was filed and the person has been arrested and fired. We also have gone to the emergency room for a checkup as a precaution and awaiting results.


Of course I've talked to the police, social workers, and doctors, so much info and my mind is a blur. It's going to take some time to work through the legalities of this and my parent is ok. Because they have dementia, this horrible incident is not something burning in their minds constantly all day (thankfully). I just feel awful for them, the emotional anguish and the testing and sticking and probing at the hospital they had to endure over a piece of scum of the earth that wants to take advantage of the mentally ill and handicap and elderly people! Just sick!


I am so angry and feel completely hopeless and lost for what to do. All kinds of thoughts were going through my mind, but ultimately after this settles, I still have to figure out care for my parent. I have family that is very supportive emotionally and visits when they can. I understand that they have their own lives with their own set of problems and some work and are sick themselves. I have siblings but I'm the oldest and they help where they can with small things, but no one steps in for me and tells me to go take a load off for once, I got this. I have always been my parents "caregiver" in a sense. The weight is one me. I have even considered quitting my job and caring for them myself and seeing if the state offers any assistance with home care that we could survive on. However, even after just one night, (falls, restroom assistance and bathing, medicine administering, trailing everything they do to be sure they are safe, dressing, and entertaining, I'm not cut out for this in home. I handle a great deal with my parent and have been for years even before my parent became ill and I can already see in home care is too much for me, even after a weekend of care. If I try this on my own, we both will decline mentally and physically.


This is so overwhelming and I can't believe I'm experiencing this. I just need help, advice, something.


Everyone is saying "I know you are gonna get your parent of that place." Like yes, ultimately! I have not had any other major issues out of the place (at least prior to this) and it is one of the best rated in the city, very close to my home and job so I can visit if not daily, many times a week as I have been. My parent is familiar with the staff and their room and set up and it will be a big shock and ball of confusion if I abruptly remove them and try to place them in another place.


Listen, I know this sounds ridiculous to even consider letting them step foot back in that place and that's not in my immediate plans, but I am being realistic about this as moving my parent around is not easy because of the dementia and the other health problems.


They are with me now for the weekend but once I go back to work, I have to figure out what to do and it is difficult from what I hear, even under these horrendous circumstances to get immediate placement to another facility.


I'm on the verge of feeling suicidal and wanting to end this all. I feel so guilty this even happened to them and what they experienced! That I wasn't there to protect them! They have heard "I"m so sorry" from me 100 times today


This is one of the worst things I've ever experienced.


Thank you all for reading. I would appreciate any feedback. No harsh judgement though please, because I am exhausted after today, completely depleted.


Thank you!

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First off. You need to stop taking personal responsibility for what happened. It was not your fault. Then you need to put responsibility where it belongs... the facility. Even though they are supposed to be one of the best, they failed to keep your mother safe from this predictor. That's on them. They need to be turned in for even allowing your mother to be around the perp. They advertise that they provide good safe care but, do they? No they do not. This is inexcusable on their part. Why was your mother left with a cleaning person watching her instead of medical staff as she should have been? The facility needs to be exposed for lack of safe observation for one thing. And even though your relative doesn't remember the attack, the family relieves it every day. So, someone was harmed here and the nursing facility bears the responsibility for what happened and continues to happen to your family. Stand up and make them bear their responsibility before another family has to go through what you and your family are going through right now. God bless you and yours.
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Eager4Paradise, I've copied a quote from your individual response to me, as it raises some issues that might be appropriate to address:

You wrote:

"I've had so many thoughts about the next LEGAL steps with the perpetrator and court and having to testify and everything else. I was so sure they called their lawyers at the drop of a dime. "

Caveats:   I haven't worked in law since I retired, nor have I done extensive legal research, so the following is based on knowledge of selected issues about 20 years ago.    Only an attorney should provide insight on whether there have been statutory changes (including in your state) and/or precedents which override the applicable and then existing laws.

1.   The issue of suing the facility has been raised in some of the answers here.   I understand the intense reaction that provoked this, and even though I don't think a suit again the facility would be helpful, you might want to be aware of a doctrine known as "respondeat superior". 

The first paragraph defines the scope, including responsibility by the employer for the employee "if such acts occur within the scope of the employment or agency. "    Since rape isn't w/I the scope of employment, that might bar any potential lawsuits, although it could be alleged that pre-employment screening wasn't sufficient.   That gets into areas with which I'm not that familiar.

https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/respondeat_superior ( excellent source for legal issues)

I raise this b/c it's often a response to "sue 'em!" when an injustice is committed, but there are ancillary issues that come into play.   Personally, I don't think anything would be gained by a suit, except that some plaintiff's income would be enriched.  The downside is that the issue remains current, and like a "thorn in the side."   Emotional healing could be negatively affected.

2.   As to testifying, I'm not sure you would have to, since you weren't a witness to the crime.    You might be called to at a later stage, if the defendant is bound over and a trial is held, but that would likely focus on the effect on your mother, and as I suggested, might be a family statement just before sentencing.   That's not considered testimony though and wouldn't be subject to challenge by a defense attorney.

The other possibility is the same level of testimony during trial as to effect on your mother, which could highlight the trauma to her as well as the elder law abuse aspect.

3.   Another issue is that the defendant may or probably won't be able to afford his own defense attorney and would require a court appointed attorney, paid for by  public funds.   There's a built-in incentive to (a) control the damage and (b) resolve and adjudicate the case quickly.   Court appointed defense attorneys don't have time to churn cases.   

And I'm sure they would recognize that a grieving daughter would likely be very effective in swaying a jury to convict, and the judge to perhaps enhance the sentence.

I hope this eases your mind (at least a little bit!).
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FloridaDD Jan 2020
Garden, your link seems to imply that a tort complaint would against the NH would likely be dismissed, but that leaves open complaints of negligence or gross negligence.  I do think that OP should contact an attorney. Right now, we do not know if the NH was negligent in hiring (did they do background checks, check prior employers?)  or supervision.  If I were OP, I would really want to know the answers to those questions.
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Thank you all so much! You all are amazing! I was really hesitant to post this. But I am desperate.

I can not even describe to you the sense of relief in this very moment of you guys not being critical nor scolding me as I seem to be doing of myself in my head, thinking that is how everyone is viewing me after this.

Of course I've been flip flopping all night in my mind should I let them stay or not. I know I ultimately have to do what is best for her. I am praying hard, several times daily to get to a resolution.


I am going to take EVERYONE's advice! This advice and gentleness and concern of your replies, complete strangers means so much to me!


I will definitely post a follow up.
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Get an attorney ASAP to represent your loved one. I’m so sorry to hear! Yes yes it is possible to get paid to Care for your LO but you have to go thru your states Medicaid waiver program etc. I live in Indiana so we call 211 first it’s different in every state.
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
Why does the OP need a lawyer and why does the OP need to be a paid caregiver? Her parent is in a facility. Medicaid is not going to pay for the nursing home AND for the OP to be a caregiver.
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Eager,

As I posted earlier this is such an awful occurrence. I sincerely hope that you can get a satisfactory resolution to this horrendous experience.

Everyone feels that you are no way responsible for what happened. I hope that you will be able to accept that the only person to blame for this is the scumbag who assaulted your mom. Please let go of any guilt. I realize that you feel awful about what happened. You wouldn’t have a heart if you didn’t feel badly but you did not cause it, nor could you have prevented this nightmare.

It truly is mind boggling that people who prey upon the elderly can be so mentally off kilter their actions are pure evil.
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If your parent is well cared for,
If your parent is now safe,
If your parent has no bad reactions returning to her "home"
I would encourage you to leave her where she is.
Sort of like one of the safest places to eat is at a restaurant that had been closed down by the Health Department. You KNOW all the staff will be watched, background checks will be more thorough and the ones they misses till be done. All the other "little" violations will be cleared up. And you KNOW they will handle you and your mom with "kid gloves".
I would install a camera. As long as it is permitted. In many states you need 2 consents to record audio so that might not be possible but video will help you keep an eye on things.

Another important thing for your mom. Try to keep calm, try to maintain "normal" the more upset you are, the more upset she might become. The more worried you are the more worried she may become.
((hugs)) to both of you..and to your family
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
I agree. People can feed off of others anxiety. Still, it’s a process for the OP too. It’s devastating to know something this awful has happened to a loved one. It’s an eye opening experience that we can only pray won’t happen to anyone in any facility.
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I have not read other responses, so forgive me if you answered something that I am saying.

I live in AZ and one of our facilities was shut down because a vegetative woman had a baby and no one noticed that she was pregnant. They found the creepy scum bag using DNA. He will never harm anyone in a facility again, but the state was harming many people by taking their safe home away. The residents begged to not have to move, so it appears it was isolated to this one scumbag and the young woman who is completely vegetative.

Don't let anyone force you into a move that is not in your mom's best interest. Her wellbeing is what really matters right now. If she is comfortable, by her reaction to the facility and she has a difficult time being moved or not being there then I would consider that she will probably be safe staying. The administration is on high alert for any improprieties right now. That means it is probably the safest place to be.

How did you find out about the situation? If they notified you, wow that is pretty awesome because as you say, she doesn't remember. If the facility has taken full responsibility and they are encouraging you to press charges to the full extent of the law and are offering proof, testimony, support then it is not systemic, they would not intentionally put a freak pervert in the position to do this.

If they are minimizing and blocking you and dismissing the magnitude of this then it is systemic and you should sue their pants off. People that would be in this business and not be horrified about this behavior deserve to loose everything and get their doors shut, before another tragedy.

Can I encourage you to stop apologizing to your mom, your stress about this is not good for her and she doesn't remember so it is confusing. Neither one of you did anything wrong. Please forgive yourself, you are and did the best you could. Life happens and sometimes it is not pretty, we learn and move forward, if you beat yourself up this sick sob wins because he is now assaulting your head. You should be angry enough to castrate the pig, but you should not contemplate suicide because of his sick actions. Take the power away from him and do everything you can to ensure he spends a long time in prison. He will get his just deserts for what he did, convicts don't like anyone that injures vulnerable people.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Oh. I so agree with every word and emotions being expressed here. Great post! ITRL
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My MIL is in LTC with short-term memory issues and is bed-bound. Reading your parent's experience unsettles me...can I ask how it was determined that your parent was victimized? How would I ever be able to know or protect someone like my MIL?

Also, was wondering if the cleaning team was a contractor? If so, the facility needs to be pressured to make sure all outside help are also properly vetted. This still seems to be the facility's responsibility, especially after this awful incident. So sorry for the trauma this is causing your family. May you receive peace in your hearts!
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eager4paradise Jan 2020
Hi there, though my mom has dementia, her dementia isn't as advanced, she still has some of her faculties so she was able to tell them as best as she could what the pervert did to her! I want to give more details, but I will withhold as who knows if who could be lurking. I definitely want to talk to a legal representative first.

I hope your MIL is being well taken care of, I really do, I couldn't imagine if my mom was unable to speak and tell us what happened!

Thank you so much for your concern!

I can't believe people are this sick to take advantage of those in these conditions as if their life is not bad enough!
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Please look after yourself, because you and your parents need you to be calm and functional. Saying sorry a hundred times in a day doesn’t let any of you calm down. The behaviour was disgusting, but if it was only ‘fondling’, it didn’t hurt them and they will probably forget it quickly if they are allowed to. The best outcome for you is that it doesn’t happen again and your parents get the best care that you can find, which may well be to stay where they are now. Many, many employers have found that they hired a criminal employee – it can be almost impossible to avoid. We all wish that facilities were perfect, even when we know that we cannot do it ourselves because it is so difficult. Forgive yourself, please.
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eager4paradise Jan 2020
Hello Margaret. Yes, I really needed to calm down. I was a whole mess yesterday. I have support from my family and everyone is very concerned, including all of you guys, so that has really helped.

I think the sorry 100 times was an exaggeration, I was apologizing so much mostly when she was going through all of the pain and testing at the emergency room and the fact she had to go through all of this on top of suffering her other ailments just horrified me that all I could think of was to apologize.

I also found out from my mom at the hospital it went a step further from fondling, which incensed me more! Unfortunately, with her dementia, those details were not told to the police so I have to figure out a way to get this included on the statements.

This is all just a mess.

I am praying for strength and all of you guy's thoughts and concerns has helped me tremendously.

Thank you so much!
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Unfortunately, these people slip through the cracks. The same thing happens at schools.

The janitor at my daughter’s elementary school was a pervert! He was caught following the students to the bathroom. He was fired immediately too. It is scary to think about these people lurking around and harming the most vulnerable, children and the elderly. Sickening...

Afterwards they had placed a ‘buddy’ system for bathroom breaks. No child was allowed to go alone.
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
My area has multiple teachers and coaches arrested for child molestation or inappropriate relations with a student and people always freak out (understandably) and then all the background check comments start pouring in—“why didn’t the school do a background check”, “why was this person hired in the first place”. Background checks and livescans are mandatory, it’s the law, so they are done on every employee before they are hired. I guess most people don’t realize that a background check doesn’t predict the future and it doesn’t tell you anything other than what the person has been convicted of doing. There are predators working in schools and with children and in care facilities because.....they either haven’t been caught yet or they haven’t hurt anyone YET. We have a current case that has gotten a lot of attention because the suspect was well known in the community, involved in a lot of groups and coached high school sports. His background check At the time he was hired was totally clean because.....none of his victims had come forward so no one knew he was preying on women. So the district had no way of knowing he shouldn’t have been hired.
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Removing your parent now from a good facility where ?she is happy and knows the staff would be like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. The culprit has been arrested. The culprit is GONE.

Of COURSE he's been fired, that goes without saying: the main point is that this individual has been arrested; he is a criminal who somehow slipped through the screening net. My guess is that his criminality may have been disguised by some sort of mental illness which hid the risk of his offending.

Unless you are going to find a facility where you personally get to interview and conduct screening on every member of staff, including subcontractors, this current facility is going to be a *better* risk on this score because of what's just happened. They will be going through every staff record on file with a fine-toothed comb.

Forget other people's knee-jerk reactions and focus on what is best for your parent. Talk to the senior managers. See if they can set your mind at rest. If you do decide to move your parent, remember that it has to be to somewhere that is *definitely* better to compensate for the disadvantages of disruption in environment. I think you'll struggle to be sure of that.

What's happened is horrible and disgusting, but don't allow it to force you into a response that doesn't actually help. And don't rush yourself unnecessarily, either. I hope you feel well supported by the police; and what has been the facility's approach towards you and your parent?
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
It doesn’t matter how well employees are screened. There is nothing that can be done that will
predict the future. Background checks only show convictions. They don’t show all the things someone hasn’t been caught doing. Potential employees can be thoroughly vetted and hired when their record comes back clean but that doesn’t mean they aren’t capable or won’t....assault people. If the facility the OPs relative is in, is thoroughly vetting their employees then moving them isn’t going to guarantee anything unfortunately.
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Eager, What a horrible experience!   I'm so sorry for you and your mother, but I applaud your logic and desire to address the situation in a way that benefits your mother as well as you (and you ARE important, always remember that.)

I'm in agreement that someone made a mistake in hiring, but that the facility took immediate action.    It seems to me that they're willing to step up to their responsibility.

Hiring decisions aren't entirely factual; gut instinct is involved, people misrepresent, and other things can happen to cast a candidate in a more positive light.  I only had to hire once, and I did a lousy job, hiring someone who eventually proved to be exactly what wasn't needed.   I was fooled,  but this was also a factor in a new job, something I never anticipated.   

So I would give the facility a second chance, IF your mother doesn't react negatively when you take her back tomorrow.   To me, that would be the important issue.

These are some random thoughts and suggestions:

1.    Ask the DON and/or other staff if your mother can be greeted by them when you bring her back, special attention paid to her periodically during the day, and even someone assigned to her so that she's not ever alone (IF she appears to need that level of support).   

2.    Raise the issue that she might be afraid of her room, and ask about moving to another room.  Excuses are easily contrived:  problem with the heating, plumbing, upgrading her b/c she's such a good patient, etc.    Work to create something that reinforces her own self esteem and self image and makes her feel valuable, but again, only if she expresses anxiety or fear at being in that room again.

3.    Ask if you can help in any way to address the mistake made in hiring the offending employee.  It's unlikely that the facility would want anyone else involved in the hiring process, but it shows that you're willing to work with them moving forward.

I'm sure they've already contacted their liability carrier as well as attorney for their own guidance on how to proceed.

4.    You might want to ask if the hiring process could be analyzed and determination made how this employee was hired.   Was it references?  Experienced, faked, or otherwise?   What were the critical hiring factors, how can they be addressed, tweaked, or improved?   What other precautions can/will be taken?

5.    On the law enforcement side:

      a.    Work with them, especially if the Defendant doesn't confess, and especially he's bound over for trial (depending on the court level at which he's prosecuted).

      b.     Assuming that the rape kit produces DNA, make the LEOs and PA aware of your mother's situation and the need to avoid having her publicly testify.    This may also involve getting a doctor's statement that testimony would be disruptive to your mother and challenging in a very negative way, and that court testimony could negatively affect her, especially since the defendant would obviously be there.

     b.    Ask if there' s an enhancement penalty for sexual abuse of an elder (such as exist for hate crimes).

      c.    If you can make a statement at sentencing (if you want to).

      d.    If the offender will automatically be placed on the sex offender list.
    
      e.    If any sentence can mandate that the individual never again be allowed to work in a facility providing elderly care.

Some of these aspects may happen automatically at conviction, but find out how to ensure that this person is placed on the sex offender's list.  

And for today, try to just enjoy your day with your mother, and know that the rest you both receive will be beneficial as you move forward.
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eager4paradise Jan 2020
Hello GardenArtist! Wow, I would have NEVER thought to ask half of these questions.

I am actually going to print this out as it is so helpful to me addressing this all with them tomorrow. I especially love the part of them greeting my mom...I'm nearly in tears now picturing it, that would really help her!

I've had so many thoughts about the next LEGAL steps with the perpetrator and court and having to testify and everything else. I was so sure they called their lawyers at the drop of a dime. Ugh, this is a lot.

I appreciate your thorough advice. This helps guide me in handling this and setting a direction so that I am not so emotional and have steps.

Thank you so much for taking the time to break all of this down. I am beyond appreciative!

((hugs))
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First off, your loved one is OKAY. That's the main thing to keep in mind. Yes, the event was traumatic but there is no permanent harm done to her. Right? That is what you need to keep in mind as you move forward. I'm not trying to minimize the event, but rather trying not to blow it SO out of proportion that it's being compared to a murder. You need to push suicidal thoughts OUT of your mind because this not something SO serious that you should even entertain such a thought!! If you can't feel emotionally better about this whole thing, please get some help, okay? You deserve to.

Don't condemn the SNF for the action of one person, who's already been fired. If, however, you've had ongoing issues with this place, then by all means, find another SNF for your loved one. There are plenty of them around these days, that's for sure.

Think rationally, with your brain and not your heart. What's best for your loved one? Living with you is NOT an option, so don't entertain it. Just stay focused on what's BEST under the circumstances, and make your decision accordingly. If you choose to let her stay in the current place, think about installing a camera in the room, if that's permitted. It'd make you feel a whole lot better, I'm sure.

Best of luck!!
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FloridaDD Jan 2020
IMHO, firing the guy is NOT sufficient.  Has the NH done a complete review of how people are hired and supervised?  Have they taken any responsibility?
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You are condemning a facility that is one of the best because of an employee? Really, I understand the initial reaction. I do. The person was arrested and fired. Now, if he had been kept on pending an investigation, then I would not take her back. But he is not there. She probably has forgotten the whole incident.

I would return her and watch for a reaction. Taking her out may do more harm than leaving her. You maybe more upset than she is.
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FloridaDD Jan 2020
How do you know only one employee was at fault?  Was there adequate supervision?  Back ground checks.  Yes, agreed that OP likely feels worse BUT I would like to know, has APS gotten involved?  Has there been a complete investigation?  How did this guy get enough time off his regular job duties to do this?   Are there cameras in the hallway?   Can they see how much time this guy spend in rooms, or wherever this happened? What is the nursing home doing to increase monitoring?
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This is awful. I am so terribly sorry this has happened. I would find out from an attorney what kind of case you have.

I am glad that you filled a police report. This isn’t something that you should let slide. No one should get a free pass here. I would be livid. It breaks my heart to read your story.

This is absolutely not your fault. I know that you feel awful but you are not in any way responsible for this heinous crime. Sexual assault is a crime and your mom deserves justice.

You are doing everything possible by being your mother’s advocate. Please know that.

As far as finding another facility, I feel you are the best judge of that. Are cameras allowed in your state? If so, I wouldn’t hesitate to install a camera.

Please let us know how you and your mom are doing.

Sending you a bazillion hugs.
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Just because others tell you that you should get your mother out does not mean you should.

Your mother NEEDS memory care, not your home. Get your mother legal representation, ask and take the lawyer's advice.
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Let the dust settle. Be realistic You can’t look after her. Can you ask her to be moved closer to a nurses station or reception. Are you allowed to place a camera which you can view on your iPhone. If kindergartens can, why not your mother’s room
i hope you will be seeking compensation for this. I would hire an attorney to check the employee procedures and how well they vent their staff. Eg was there a criminal background check done.
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I am so, so sorry this happened to your parent & you.

I'm thinking gladimhere has a spectacular response. Great people, like scum people, can be anywhere. You just do your best to avoid but sometimes we encounter.
The facility seems to have handled it correctly.

Brainstorming here - if this happened to me, I would evaluate the following:

1. How is your mom doing? Does she know what happened and is she now fearful of returning?

2. Do you have a gut feel that this was an isolated instance of a bad employee slipping through? Or have you had a feeling that any other staff were not up to par and this recent egregious act has added to your gut that this place is bad?

3. What has the facility said /done/implemented to assure you this won't happen again?
Example: two ppl must be w/ your parent rather than one (I know that's a stretch, but maybe they will accommodate in this instance, at least for a while) or maybe only their top long term workers are allowed to interact one-on-one w/ your parent?
Will they allow a camera in his/her room that you can access via mobile / computer and that their own supervisor can access?

Would be great if you could have a news story done on this and flash the loser's face & name on screen, warning others.

I understand you are traumatized (I 'd be too! And sooo angry!), but if mom isn't, and she has liked the place save for this, and moving would make things worse, and the creep is gone, maybe stay put for now while you and sibs search for a new place, if you feel you need to.

Please don't beat yourself up that you couldn't protect her from this scumbag. This is not your fault and you are doing all you can.
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GardenArtist Jan 2020
Another good, insightful post; you put things in perspective well.
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I am terribly sorry this happened to your parent and you. You certainly are justified with all the emotions you are experiencing. However if you can manage, hard as it must be I think you should consider what is positive about the situation. The person will be held responsible which is admirable about the facility. Your parent is familiar in this setting. The parent seems to not recall the incident. Your dying only complicates the continuing care of your loved one. Right now your emotions are understandingly very raw. Time may help with that. One bad person does not represent the whole facility. That person has been removed. It will not necessarily be easy to find proper further placement. Please give yourself a little time and maybe you will be able to view the situation more clearly and do what you feel is best and not so very trying to take on.
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GardenArtist Jan 2020
Good, solid and wise advice, Riverdale.
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Scum employees can be anywhere. Is this the fault of the facility? Did they appropriately screen the employee? Sometimes these kinds of things will happen even in the best of places, as you have found out. What has the facility said about it? I would talk with an elder law attorney.

I would avoid the knee jerk reaction, which seldom works out well, of moving mom to another place. She is comfortable and happy there. And you are right a move would be very hard on her. I would keep her right where she is unless there is some sort of extreme negligence that occurred.

After reading the threads that you have started, this sounds like a facility that has many problems. Contact an elder law attorney for assistance. I would ask for compensation, enough, to place mom in the best facility that there is.
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