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My 80 year old mom gets around the house pretty well. But once in public, she acts like taking a step is causing horrible pain. It's not. I know it is more attention mostly but I am having a hard time handling her drama. How can I become a better person and deal with this?


She also complains constantly. There is always something wrong.

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How often does your mom get out? Could she have crowd anxiety? I do know my own mom was an attention hog. She once had a very mild stroke that I’m not sure was even a stroke. When we went out in public, she would actually drag her foot and limp! If it hadn’t been so pathetic it would have been funny! And, she was s negative Nellie. I just ignored it. Didn’t argue, agree or sympathize. Just ignored it.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2019
I would like to add, how often does BJeffrey get out? Because sometimes things wear on us most when we are constantly in the middle of it. It is sounding like a need for some alone time. And I so agree about just ignoring it. A good point made by NeedHelpWithMom above, as well. My balance is not what it once was. I am good most time, but if forced to walk slower or faster than normal gait I don't have such good balance; I fly around on the buses like a feather and weigh more than I ever did, so it isn't that. Other times I look steady as a rock. Hard to judge if any of that is the case with B.'s Mom. But worth a thought.
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We thought my mom was suddenly always in the midst of a "pity party". Her doctor thought she was "fine".

We moved her to an Independent Livong Facility and the alert geriatrics doc sent her to a geriatric psychiatrist. She ordered a cognitive assessment.

My mother had significant cognitive decline, due to a stroke that was previously undetected. The addition of antianxiety and antidepressant meds changed everything for the better.

Get your mom to a geriatric psychiatrist.
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My mom has a horrible time with just one step up. Yes, even just stepping over a threshold. She has Parkinson’s. I put a ramp by my doors. It’s real for her. Her mind will tell her to move but the body can’t follow. Neurological conditions are devastating. Plus the intense fear of falling is genuine as well.

My grandmother who didn’t even use a cane to walk in her 80’s. She still drove and she got around very well, no health issues and she had a sharp mind. She became terrified of escalators. She referred to them as ‘moving stairs.’ Isn’t that cute? 😊. Anyway, she would ask very politely while we were at the mall together, “Honey, could we please use the elevator instead of the moving stairs?” In the past, she hopped on the escalator like me. She truly became afraid. Of course, I told her that we would go to the second floor on the elevator.

I have to tell you that sometimes I feel like my equilibrium is off and I am leery of using the escalator too. I don’t know why this happens at times but it does so that is why I don’t feel your mom is doing this for attention. Of course, you know your mom better than others. But there could be an underlying medical issue like vertigo or something else.
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Has there been a sudden change in behavior? If so there could be real pain. My MIL was always a drama queen though, would practically yell if the car went over a small bump in the road. Now it has gotten worse. Complains constantly about herself and home maintenance, yet won't accept any advice. She will limp out of the room, but if you see her go down the hall when she thinks she is out of sight she could be 20 yrs. old. She is 89, no cane, no walker, has her own teeth. The problem here is that we don't know if she is really having trouble or being dramatic. That is why we try to observe her if she thinks we are not looking.
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BJeffrey Nov 2019
That is my mom! She has arthritis. That's it. Yes it can hurt but everyone at her age has some arthritis. She goes to doctor at least twice a month for something and she comes home each time saying there is nothing to do for "the pain". I sound like a brat but she has been doing this for 15 years and my patience is running thin. At home she is pretty much ok but out or around others she becomes almost disabled. She can't get the mail but is going to mall tomorrow to shop. Just sad and frustrating
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My Mom does the very same thing! She’s now in long term care & even there, if she’s not getting enough attention she “acts” very depressed, slides off the bed to say she fell & complains about everything there just like she complained at my home. Once some attention is paid with PT or even just a linen change she’s all happy. When she starts in with the complaining & acting all depressed, I just say to her “Mom, stop”!! & she does! May not work with yours but worth a try. I don’t raise my voice or sound angry just my inside voice & day it kindly. Good luck, I know it’s very frustrating!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Lost,

When did you place your mom? So happy for you.

My mom isn’t with me anymore either. Wasn’t a good ending though. No longer have a relationship with her. I am doing my best to cope but it’s hard. Still, it’s for the best. It was killing me being the primary caregiver.
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My MIL walks perfectly normal at the doctor but at home she’s a total invalid! Can’t pour coffee can’t microwave a small plate of food, but by God, she can get out the cookies, candy and scoop rock-hard ice cream into a bowl she got out of the over-counter cabinet herself! She “holds court” from her recliner if she has company. Can’t get the mail from her doorstep and demands attention. If her husband gets anything, she wants one. If he is getting attention during a conversation, she gets up and leaves! My husband refuses to have her see a geriatric psychiatrist because he doesn’t want her to think she’s crazy. I have explained cognitive impairments to him. He thinks she is just wanting his attention. I will suffer his resentment when she dies because I am a professional in geriatric care and conditions and he refuses my advice. When she dies, he will accuse me of not doing more. I’m just here to tell you when the son or daughter is fully pulled into their parent’s world, go with it or stay quiet. They will resent you after it’s over just for being honest.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Sad, isn’t it?
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My mother belongs on the stage, she missed her calling. If someone has a headache, so does she, back hurt? Hers does too, and it's worse.

She plays with our emotions, pretends to be sick, and god forbid if she does have something wrong with her, it is the end of the world, she is going to die.

So far this has not happened, she is 94 and still playing anyone she can.

You are the best person you can be, it is her, not you. Have you had a talk with her, letting her know that the jig is up? I would.

Good Luck, keep posting it will help.
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cherokeegrrl54 Nov 2019
Sounds like my younger sister...no one has anything that she hasnt had and her saying”you don’t understand “. Grrrr...😡
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Outdoor surfaces are harder to walk on and the anxiety of being in a less familiar place can be part of the reason. Try pushing her in a wheelchair. The lighter weight "travel" chairs are the easiest to manage.
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Deal from position that only the person can truly feel his/her own pain. Make adjustments that create comfort for her. After that, she is probably having anxiety in unfamiliar surroundings. Folks with dementia (at least 75% of seniors have it) do better with familiar routines and places.

Does this mean you can't go out? Heaven forbid that you become permanent shut-ins. It means to expect more anxiety and acting out. Start creating "going out" routines: familiar coat or purse when going out, favorite walking shoes, hat, jewelry ( I like the ideas of bracelets with lavender oil on the beads)… You may have to start with very short outings - walk outside the house, walk the neighborhood, short grocery trips... - and extend to longer visits with family and friends. My Gram was able to visit me every year for Thanksgiving (and we move A LOT as a military family) with minimal drama.
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--I just had to add this--When I told my mother I had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma--she looked at me and said "Well, Daddy will be happy to see you". (He passed 14 years ago!)

When I picked my jaw up off the floor I just got up and patted her on the back and said "I'll be sure to tell him hi from you".

I've spoken to her once since then (7 months) Chemo is over, but I'm still sick as sick can be.

I am still not 'over' her cruel and thoughtless comment. I think she was mad b/c I now was 'sicker' than she was.

Go figure.
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anonymous912123 Nov 2019
So sorry, this is my mother. I haven't spoken to her for 8 years, and, I never will again.
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My soon to be 93 y/o mother's newest self-created 'issue' is that the floors in her apartment are 'slippery.' So is the shower floor, the soles of her shoes, the recliner she's had for the past 5 years, and so on. Everything is SOOOO SLIPPERY that she keeps falling. Not because she's getting up by herself and not asking for help since she's wheelchair bound. Nope. It's not HER fault! It's because of circumstances out of her control, ie: the SLIPPERY conditions that exist all OVER the entire building!!!!! No matter that others aren't falling due to these 'conditions'.

The quest for attention is real. It's chronic, it's ongoing, and it's incessant with Drama Queen women such as our mothers. It's exhausting and aggravating, too. And it's dangerous. They're like the Boy Who Cried Wolf, when you think about it. Because if/when something is REALLY wrong, we won't believe it due to the fact that they're compulsive LIARS.

We have people here on this forum who advise us that it's 'impossible' for the poor souls with dementia to LIE. Literally IMPOSSIBLE. I'd like to invite these doubters to meet My Mother and take over My Role for ONE WEEK. Then come back and let everyone else in the trenches know just what it's REALLY like to be burdened down with the care and management of a Drama Queen. And just how possible it IS to lie while suffering from dementia! The real suffering is felt by those of us who do the care giving/dealing with them!

You don't have to become a 'better person', my dear. You just have to figure out how to sort the Bull from the Chit so you can keep YOUR act together. I wish you good luck & Godspeed, too, cuz it sure ain't easy.
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Daisy9 Nov 2019
lealonnie1, I fully agree with you! My MIL didn't forget how to lie! There was one after another. A frequent lie was "I got rid of my car b/c I don't know how to drive in (big city)". Bull! We took the car when we moved her into a senior apartment close to us. There were bangs and dents all around her car, probably where she had backed into who knows what. "My allergies are acting up" came out of her mouth every time there was something she did not want to do. "I'm allergic to those" after years of taking flowers from my garden to her with no complaint she suddenly became allergic. We knew her allergies and never took her anything she was allergic to, and she certainly had no allergy to flowers. Thankfully she did not act up in public except for grunting ALL THE TIME. In pain? No. She said she thought she was humming. No one could stand to be around her due to the ceaseless grunting. There were more lies, just not enough room and time to list them all.
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While there may be a hint of drama involved, I believe anxiety and depression are l00% valid. Put yourself in the position where you are OLD, perhaps physically disabled and can't do what you should be able to do, you know you are getting near the end time and perhaps dementia is setting in. Your life is not normal, you hate yourself and feel ashamed - it is normal and natural to have anxiety and depression. Only a complete fool would NOT be anxious and depressed. Do what you can to help with pain, etc. but also understand this is real. The fear factor and despair are entering the scene. If you cannot tolerate the demands and behavior and it is very negatively affecting you, then you must place the person in a facility. Otherwise, you will go down, down, down.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
I agree with this. Many older people would totally agree and they often say, “It’s hell to get old!”
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BJeffrey, I think you are just fine. Nothing can help that you aren't already doing. It's so friggin frustrating.
I concur with the ailments they complain about always have to be worse. In fact today my sciatica has been bad and I've been trying not to say anything because she mentioned her hip hurt too.
If she knows I'm hurting she has a way of kicking when I'm down. I like to be left alone when I don't feel good. Unless someone is genuinely concerned but what a rare phenomena (where they are concerned anyway).
And as far as attention seeking-it depends on who she's going to be around. First it starts of as feeble, as can hardly move at all-then get in the doctors office and showboat. When just the day before she's out and about driving and doing whatever. Gets back to my house and is out like a light snoring. This is the every day cycle. So I don't know when she is 'faking' or showboating, actually really hurting or whatever the flip is happening.
I stay quiet, trying not to engage-do my duty getting her meds squared away. That kind of thing. I've stopped expecting any pat on the back for anything I do for her and just do it for now.
BJeffrey, just do the best you can as the tides change and be yourself-save yourself when needed by getting away some. (best advice I got from here) just take care of yourself. I can tell you are worried because it's getting to you.
This forum is a good place to be just to vent and know you aren't alone. and someone else told me this, You got this!
PS My mom will be 81 in a couple of weeks...
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Don't want to hijack this post--but I need to add that I have spoken to mother twice since I was dxed with cancer. The 2nd was a mistake call, she had a niece dialing for her (she can't use her phone) and she didn't even mean to call me!

She lives with my brother and he has told many people that I am not sick at all and am lying about not being able to be around their filthy house with 6 cats, 4 dogs (not housebroken) and innumerable birds. Doc said the house was too toxic and so I cannot be in it.

All I told brother was that I couldn't be around the birds and he said that was BS--he's in the medical field (he's an EMT) and that I was making this up. My two kids who are DOCTORS offered to call him and chew him out over this, but frankly, it isn't worth it.

Gone grey rock with mother. She doesn't call, so it's been easy.
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Riverdale Nov 2019
So many difficult relatives you endure sadly. I thought your brother didn't want you around her. At least you have formed your boundaries. I am glad your family is large enough that there can be positive relationships. My husband and I are both only children. We were lonely growing up. As I.hear such difficult stories amongst siblings I wonder what the relationships were whilst growing up. Hope you are recovering.
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Perhaps she is hoping that someone will hear "her plight" such as it really isn't a plight at all. Do not engage when she puts on the negative act. Prayers sent to you.
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My sister can swing her legs up into bed every night but can't seem to swing her legs up into a car. Was declining every time I took her out... needing more & more help until I asked her physio to test what she could actually do!

Cognitive decline? Dependant personality? Leaned helplessness? I still don't know. But with the physio's help, she has the right walking aide & I'm trying to keep in the range a professional would - encouraging but not doing it all for her.

If you help more, does she do less?

Maybe visit less. Or if you live with her, find a hobby in another room. Does she have things she enjoys, things to occupy her?
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Beatty,

There is a little gadget called the car cane. It works well. You place it in a slot in the door and it allows for a place to hold on and have leverage. Now, there are the ones with the flashlight and so forth or a plain one. Get it on amazon. I’m sorry that I don’t have the specific name. It has a blue handle and it is solid and made stronger. Get that one. Not very expensive.
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Complaints - seems to be a common ailment among older people (younger too!) Don't know what the specific complaints are, but ignoring or offering simple platitudes or changing the subject and moving on may be the way to deal with those.

Feigning pain in public? Of course everyone else who doesn't know you or her will give you the stink eye, won't they? You are "torturing" your mother in their eyes! Perhaps the only solution is to use a transport chair. Pain in the butt if there's really nothing wrong, but what else can you do? IF she still expresses pain, then suggest she not go the next time - if it suddenly gets better, you'd know it was phony (kind of suspect it is, because she gets around fine at home?)

Too often the opposite is what I deal with. If mom is expressing leg pain, it is hard to say yea or nay if it's real. Countless times before dementia she would say she needed to get her knees "done", but she never did it. She was over 90 when dementia kicked in, so there won't be any surgery now!

When still living alone, no real complaints about her well-being, just negative Nancy about various topics. It's so much easier to complain about something than to praise it! I make a point of going the opposite way, as too often we get good service/help, but they get no real thanks!

When we moved her to MC, she was still mobile and self-caring. After about 1 year, she announced she needed 'one of those', indicating a rollator. We had a walker and rollator from when dad used them, in good condition, so I brought the rollator to her. It took several months for her to start using it (her choice.) At some point she started moaning about her leg. Couldn't get appt soon enough (figured it's real), so I took her to ER. You get there, during in-take, oh, I'm fine, I can stand, walk, have no pain. Huh? She got on the scale herself, no complaints, nothing. We get in the bed and for 4.5 hours I had to listen to her moan, groan, wail for the pain. After several tests, they discharged her, no treatment, no medication. Doc visit was even better - no complaints and doc says people with dementia cannot express their pain. Uh, what? In her case, I believe there was pain, but to carry on like that for hours and then get back to the facility and not a peep? I agree with the cry wolf issue - if they do this too often, we don't know when there really is cause for concern!

I did take her to an Ortho - after xrays, he told me if she were 20 years younger we'd be talking surgery. Although she no longer expressed any pain, I requested the injection they can do to alleviate/prevent near future pain.

What irks me is that last week, late on a Friday afternoon, I get a call about her leg pain. Wants me to call doc (what, are your fingers broken?) Wants to send or have me take her to ER. What are they going to do? If you don't have something obvious like a broken bone, bleeding, heart attack, it is a waste of time! I told her the last time they did nothing for it. She suggested trying another ER (seriously????) Brother suggested Urgent Care. NEITHER of these will do anything, esp since they don't know her and have no medical info!! She tried laying the guilt on me about herself not wanting to see mom in so much pain. Duh, neither do I, but I also know that what you are asking to be done won't change anything.

The next time I was there, I chatted with the nurse. She pretty much indicated that it wasn't an issue anymore. The ibuprofen the other wanted orders for was denied. The doc on duty said those over 90 shouldn't be taking it. She has reg appt tomorrow, so we can ask/tell about it, but last time we were there, for pain, she insisted she had nothing wrong and could stand/walk (told her do it, and she couldn't) - doc ordered PT/OT and she refused to work with them.

Sigh. Caring for elders (esp with dementia) is not for the faint-hearted!
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Perhaps if the pain/ behavior only occurs when you take her out, maybe you can say to her that you are considering reducing or stopping outdoor excursions. Her reaction and subsequent behavior may stop the problem. After all, you don't want to do anything to cause her pain. That being said, are there any other behaviors that indicate depression or anxiety? Sometimes older adults use somatic complaints to disguise how they're feeling. Maybe contact her primary regarding her behavior to get his input.
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Riverdale, in our case, the sibling situation was me as the oldest and only female, and a 2 yr. younger only male, as our half-brother was grown and gone before we were born. Our situation was relatively amiable and probably typical before starting elementary school. When my bro. began school he learned all the aggravating and mean little boy things and practiced them on me. I would tattle and mom would always ask me what I had done to him first. What? Nothing needed to be done to him first. He was sly enough to play his evil tricks and dangerous physical abuse, etc. when mom was not around. I planned at 7 yrs. old to keep my mouth shut, stay out of the way, and leave when I turned 18, and I did. How much I enjoyed my peace, quiet, and safety! No shreiking mom, no brother pushing me backwards over the edge of the bathtub, no more slamming doors on my feet, cutting the back of my heel to the bone, no being locked out of the house before our mom came home. The sad thing is our mother purposely caused division between us and favored my brother no matter what happened. For the rest of her life she continued to cause division by telling us opposite stories and deleting or adding info to one or the other of us. It took me a long time to figure out what she was doing, but I never understood why or what she hoped to accomplish.
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disgustedtoo Nov 2019
My OB (I was literally his first birthday present) was abusive to me, starting before we went to school - physical, emotional, the whole she-bang. Not the same as your treatment, but definitely was abuse (enough that parents had to move him upstairs before the second floor was finished, so he wouldn't end up killing me!) Gotta love how they are sneaky and don't do this in front of the parents. Anyway, as we got older, did things with other friends, not as much time "together", it got a little better. Off to college, even better (Although ironically at a party I had that he came to, after everyone left he told me he'd like to marry someone like me. I was stunned, but managed to ask 'Why, so you can beat the sh*t out of her?') He married, moved away, came to visit now and then with the family, etc but not too often and always others were around. Fast forward... I missed the warning sign during one of his few trips up to help clear out mom's condo so we could fix and sell it. The very last time he was here was May 2018, planned for just under 2 weeks - he didn't even last here at my place one week. He gets pissed if he doesn't understand you, or if you don't understand him - I really do believe there is something wrong with him! He complains about everyone and everything, how stupid they all are and how grand he is! So, he got angry about something so stupid and crossed a large room to grab me and throw me to the floor! Not once, twice. This was a 66 yo grown man who should know better. I told him to get the F out of my house. The whole time he was packing he yelled at me, called me names, included many obscenities! You'd think I was the one who did the deed! Other than some text/email until we finished the sale and tax crap, I was DONE with him. He will NEVER be welcome in my presence, I will NEVER visit him and have no reason to discuss anything with him. Have not had any contact since the taxes were finished (one exception - he reported to me that he didn't get the K1 form. Okay Mr I_am_so_smart, why ask me about it and not the tax person??? I just replied to call the guy. Geez, what a moron.) What is most disturbing is 2 days after the fact it is like it never happened for him. Clearly he doesn't get it, but at least I do now.

I did research about it after he did this and found that although it isn't well-studied they think that sibling abuse is actually more widespread than any other type of domestic abuse! People, including parents, chalk it up to sibling rivalry, boys will be boys, etc. For the most part, people don't see it as abuse, but it is.

Although the parents never "played" us, at least not that I am aware of, I do know that at least in her older years and still today probably she considers him the golden boy. Part of that may be because he isn't local and she doesn't see him as often. When he would visit her it was like the return of the prodigal son! OH OH OH huggy huggy! When I go visit her I can recite what she has to say before she does: "What are you doing here? Where did you come from?" I don't need or even want the fawning or anything like that, it is just galling to see how this bastard gets treated.

Who knows what goes through their minds?

Oh, while on the subject, before he pulled his supermachoman stunt, I sent him to visit with her while I got things ready to go to the condo. Any time after that if I suggested he go visit (he lives at least 2 day drive away, she's now 96 with dementia, so I felt he should visit as much as possible while here), he refused saying 'he didn't know what to do with her.' She adores you and you can't be bothered to go visit and/or figure out how to visit with your mother??? Even funnier is when both brothers found out how expensive MC was, they BOTH said for that kind of money, they would take her in!!! HAHAHAHA, she'd be dead by now. He probably abused his first wife (no idea why she left) and HAS also done similar to his daughter.
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