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I have been dealing with my elderly mother's health issues constantly since her open heart surgery during May, 2009. I have lived and breathed hospitals/chronic care facilities/skilled nursing facilities for almost 3 years. I now have her in our home since October, 2011 and you would think I would now feel as though things are a little easier as I have in-home part-time care and still work. Quite the contrary. I no longer need to drive 33 miles one way to visit her at a chronic care facility. I spent all of the summer of 2009 on leave from my job sleeping at the hospital parking garage and 24-7 keeping close tabs on every step of her care. Frankly, it is because I have made this my life that she is still alive. I have documented every step of her care and have been instrumental in making sure that the right decisions were made. She has COPD, congestive heart failure and is otherwise of a very sound mind at age 85. Today I took off work for the day to accompany her to the GI doctor appointment for an evaluation. She is newly diagnosed with gallstones. She was on a ventilator for 2 years and is considered a "miracle" person to have gotten off of the ventilator, although she has a trach and it is opined she will always have a trach. I am beginning to get angry. For the most part I can deal with things as my job is my outlet and I work full-time. But when I come home from work at 5:30, I want to have some time for me and I am angry that after working 42 years I cannot take vacations and enjoy life. I have sought counseling and I have some close friends who care but I cannot keep venting on this to them as I will cause them to distance. I am not in a good place this morning because I chose to take off work for the day in order to go to this appointment this afternoon but this is yet another example where as a friend of mine explained last night....I chose to have her in my home so I now have the responsibility of a child. I never had children. I never had pets. I worked hard all of my life being a great daughter...taking my mother on trips galore and meeting her every need. I am 61 years old now and today I am just angry. Putting her in a nursing home is not an option. I have had enough personal experience to know that she would not last very long at such a facility as she has already gotten an array of hospital acquired infections and the pulmonologist has advised me to keep her out of the public until spring because of the flu. So this is my new life which is no life. Granted, I have it better than so many others but I am just too angry this morning. My morning will be spent on taking care of her needs. I have to get prescriptions refilled, contact a hospital for medical records, contact her doctor as I can't access their patient portal which I am doing all of the right things. I have one sibling who lives 4 hours away and he is useless. He came down recently prior to Christmas for the first time in 15 months! That was his duty visit. My mother and I have always been close. She is not abusive. She is sweet and is trying her best to have a quality of life. But at my age she was having her life and not taking care of an aging parent. I am sorry. This is hell on earth. I take time for me but this does not negate the fact that I am tied down granted my choice as my friend pointed out last night. Living 24/7 with an aging parent and feeling as though I deserve a life and getting increasingly angry is just what it is. There is no solution. I don't need advice on therapy (done that); making time for me (I do that); because at the end of the day,it is what it is. There is no easy answer. This is my new life. I told a friend recently well I need to leave work now and start my "other job" at home. Her care isn't even that demanding. I give her medications during the eveing and monitor her SATs to determine if she needs oxygen. But I am getting caregiver burnout here and yes I have researched this any nauseum and know all about the signs and suggestions. So I appreciate being able to vent today and I appreciate everyone on this group who can identify to some extent. You all get it. I am just angry today. I am sure it will pass. Tomorrow I return to work and will feel at least for a few hours like I have a life away from home.

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Glad you took the time to just vent!! This is a great place for that. God Blesses; take care.
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Thank you, I feel so much less alone, I feel guilty about and bring angry and I am frightened that will make a mistake with husband's care so your venting of your feelings is a great help.
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A pedicurist, or maybe a Podiatry tech can clip your mom's toenails.
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Dear music lover 1,
Everyone who has been a caregiver to a parent understands what you are saying and how you are feeling. I am 68 years old. I looked after both of my parents with very little help from my sibling. My Dad passed on about 11 years ago and my Mom passed away two months ago. All of the time that my parents were ill, I worked full time and tried to "have my own life" as much as I could. It was very difficult. I was tired, stressed, sad, overwhelmed and just plain exhausted sometimes. Now that my Mom is gone, I'm having trouble "restarting" my life. The simple advice that I have for you is to get some more help. If family members can't or won't help, contact the social agencies in your area. I realize, this requires even more work on your part. But, you need to have more resources available for you. You have to find ways to take better care of yourself. Caregiver stress is real. I know that I will recover from all of this. But, I am not sure that I will ever forgive my family members for the times they could not visit my mother because "they had things to do". I don't think I'll ever get over it and so I just leave it in God's hands. I wish the best for you.
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My whole life is caring for my husband with Alzheimer's and am also dealing with having lost my loving husband (he's angry much of the time now) and that by the time this is all over I will be too old to do the things I am missing now. Can't travel, visit friends out of town, go to theater, etc. I'm so tired all the time. Have lots of support which is wonderful but it's still there all the time. I'm so sorry for all of us going through this.
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I, too, share in your depression and fatigue. My stepmother moved in 2 years ago after my father died and she broke her hip. She wanted to live with us instead of a lovely retirement home. She tried it for a few weeks (didn't like the food and it was depressing). She even paid for a home remodeling so she could live with us, which I never should have done. So we charge her nothing, provide 99% of her food and pay all the utilities. I cook most of the meals and she generally is not happy with anything, complains most of the time that something is wrong, even with resteraunt food. She has moderate dementia and is still in complete denial of her limitations which are progressing. She has always been a bit difficult, nags and complains alot about most everything. At first, I was working full-time but am now retired and I thought it would get easier but I find myself resentful that my retirement will not be what I hoped it would be. I find myself angry and depressed most of the time and then the feelings of guilt take over. I am an only child and during my childhood I was loved but really never felt compassion or warmth from her and now find I don't have those feelings towards her. I think that if she didn't live with me and we had some separation, our relationship would be better but she wont hear of it even though she spends most of her time in her bedroom. And since she paid for the addition of a bedroom to our home, i feel obligated to keep her with us. Money is not an issue for her, she has enough to live on for another 15 years but she penny pinches. In the winter when the electric bill doubles because she is always cold and wants the heat up, she balks at paying the additional amount, stating that my grandkids leave the lights on, etc. Other than the dementia her health is good so I see this as a long-term situation and I am frightened for my own sanity and health. This only child guilt overwhelms me at times and I feel guilty and sad because I know my situation could be so much worse. But it is so difficult for me to approach her about any of this because I have always been a pleaser (again, only child) and I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel unwanted. I have never been one to put myself first and am now suffering for it. I just dont know how to do it without overwhelming feelings of guilt. I have tried to "have the talk" but always back down when she puts up roadblocks.. I guess i just needed to vent. I started counseling but after two sessions my provider moved so that will be my next move. Thanks for listening.
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I understand completely.I am also having caregiver burnout.I have been tied down 24/7 for the last 4 years with my mother who just turned 102.Most people will say what a blessing,but the ones saying that have never been in this situation.Your whole life and every second of every day belongs to her.Yes,I am getting bitter and I am so ashamed of feeling this way.Christmas just made it worse.All my family,brothers and sisters are having fun with their children and grandchildren,and I'm here alone with her,They all take time out of their busy day to come visit,but then they can go back to their lives.I am 64 years old,no children and 20 years ago I bought the home place and she came with it.I was the best choice.Worst mistake of my life!! She was able to take care of herself at that time and I worked and had friends,and dates.The last 4 years have been the hardest.I have lost touch with the outside world.I leave the house 3 hours a week just to get grocerys.I feel hopeless,and I try so hard to be thankful.The depression is getting worse.Thanks everyone for reading this and please pray for me.
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Hi musiclover,
I read your message and I understand completely how you feel. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I am in a very similar situation even though my mother is in a nursing home. I hésitate to say this but in a way....you are lucky to have her at home. Would it help you to bring some help in even for a few hours a day or maybe a few times a week so that you could go out and do something for fun or see a movie or anything? I know that at some point all caregivers feel as though they are trapped in this situation and there seems to be no way out. When I'm feeling that way, it usually means that I'm just overtired. Is it possible that you need to get a little more rest than you're getting right now? I know that I used to be more résilient. But, I don't seem to bounce-back like I used to. Maybe I'm a little depressed. Don't know for sure. My only advice is...try to figure out if there's something else going on that you may need help with. And please feel free to reply in case you would like to talk more about this. I think caregivers need caregivers, too! You are not alone.....
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Marshmellow
You are not a horrible person - just human. I'm trying to deal with depression too and medication doesn't help that much. But then again, I think being depressed in this situation is to be expected. All I want to do is sleep - it's an escape. Fortunately by husband is sleeping more these days.
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I know exactly how you are feeling.I have also given up my life to take care of my mother,and I'm angry.She is 102 years old and I am 63.I retired from working to take care of her and I have been tied down completely for four years.The only place I get to go is to the cancer center to take my older sister for treatment once a week.Sometimes I think I am losing my mind I get so depressed.I have no joy in living anymore,and my love for her has turned to hate.I know I am a horrible person for saying that,but it's the way I feel.I have no way out.It really helped reading what you wrote,knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this.
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Am I evil or something, but it seems to me that your Mother has had a long and good life and at 85 I don't want to be on a ventilator for 2 years - 79 now. I am caring for my husband who is in the late middle stages of Alzheimer's and I can see him going downhill steadily. I love him dearly and will care for him as long as possible, but I did talk to the doctor about a time when it would be better to stop the medications that are slowing things down. He said that was a question that comes up a lot and at some point makes sense. I remember my husband making a great point of not wanting to live beyond having the ability to have a good quality of life. At some point I think one has to let go and let nature take its course.
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I too understand how you feel. Reading your comments was just like reading a bio of my life. I am the sole caregiver for my Mom who is a great person - who has suffered through many health issues over the years. Now in her later years - we appear to move from one crisis to another. I understand that she is scared to be on her own - but every new crisis is "this is it - this is the end" (she shares this with me - not my siblings. I have siblings who come to visit on occasion - but I do the bulk of the work - spending my spare time taking her everywhere, doing her errands. I love my Mom and want to help - but with each new crisis - I feel my self wearing down. I feel that my own life is passing me by - then I blame myself for being selfish. It's an unending cycle....

To help I have taken steps to improve my health - and set aside some me time. I know it is not enough - but it's a start.

Sorry for the rant - but I feel for you - as we are both in the same place.
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I just noticed this is a post originally from 2012!
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I was wondering if anyone had issues with a parent that can be verbally abusive. My father is 91 and has never been a nice guy. Now, he's even more difficult. I don't mind being a caregiver but the negativity and nastiness is, at times, overwhelming. He never appreciated anything anyone did for him, very entitled personality. He has an explosive temper and is a miser with money. I live at his house and take care of him. He was pretty healthy, just has a hard time walking as his knees are gone, but he just recently allowed us to have him use a walker. He will not pay for any renovations in the house for items that are broken. He said I can fix them when he dies. But, they need fixing now and it disrupts my life. The washer eventually will need to be replaced but he doesn't care b/c he does not wash anything so I'm the one who will suffer unless I spend all my money fixing a house that is not mine and eventually I will have to divide between myself and my two siblings. I used to stress about what needed to be done but since he refuses to spend a penny I have come to terms with the fact that I do not care. As long as I have some money in the bank and a job I can take care of myself. He is and always was very selfish. Some parents WANT to make sure their children are provided for when they pass...mine is the opposite. When I mention fixing items, he has said "what do I care about that, I'm not getting anything out of it." Is there anyone else who has a difficult parent. Again, this has nothing to do with age. Thank you for listen everyone. I was beginning to feel the same way everyone else is and it's good to know I'm not alone!!
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Wow! I am in tears reading this. You have to take care of yourself.
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TG, your dad is NOT NOT NOT mentally fine if he leaves doors open unsafely and forgets the oven. He needs neuropsych testing...yesterday.
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Id love to have him be on his own but he can't either motivation or he gets isolated. He needs to be around people. He never had to live on his own so it is the price I must pay. I just get antsy. I miss being alone with my wife, when we do get a few hours alone it is always complaining about the situation. The last time we had an all out due to the spewing of the volcano. I am trying to be a better communicator, it is hard as it is all about him when we talk. He tells everyone out side of the house what is going on so I clam up and don't talk. I love when I go on the road no issues. Its when I come home that it all comes back. I have begun to treat the situation more like having a child and trying to make the child more independent.... Just right now I am trying to see how I can get some her and me time with my wife....
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I can SOOO relate to the frayed nerves, frustrations and feelings like you're in over your head some days. The endless cycle of questions, confusion, criticism & complaints. How badly do I wish I could find a resource where mom could stay for a few days?!?! In all my research, I found one place - with a minimum stay requirement of one week for $1000. Yeah - if money were no issue, I would simply hire someone to come in 24 hrs/day for a week and take a vacation. I simply need a "staycation" - just few days of peace & quiet to decompress/regroup. There should be a buddy system where folks can pair up & split the cost of "respite". (Using a carefully vetted provider, of course!!) Hmmm...Anyone live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul metro area?
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TG, you keep saying he is fine physically and mentally. If that is true then why are you looking after him? Somewhere along the way in his life he managed to live independently, have a family and hold down a job. The fact he is irresponsible with his money does not mean he needs you to cater to his every whim 24/7. He has you right where he wants you, it is beyond me why you choose to keep making excuses on why things can not change. There ARE other options, he could be in AL or Independent living and you could continue to manage his money. Get him meals on wheels and he wouldn't starve even if he blows his monthly allowance on day one.
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How do I handle my burnout? Dad moved in 2 years ago this month. Its been a long and rocky road. He is fine physically and mentally, it is just financial and well being. My brother does not talk to him, the grand kids don't really connect with him, my sister calls him frequently but never me. She does pay for his cell phone and helped him with a large car repair.. He loves to go back home to visit but cant afford it. He is finally getting into outside groups which is good.
I am glad I can take care of him but he has always been somewhat king of the castle. It is getting worse. It is the little things that drive me crazy. I know I have to change but I worked long and hard to have my own house now to be subject to the whims of someone else.
I am not easy to live with I know but he tells stories to the rest of the family that I have no control of. I am sure I am the pariah of the family now as no one calls and I get no information from the family now. I feel like since mom died the rest of the family died away from me. I took dad in and I am the bad one.
I do not travel back to visit family as I have no place to stay except for hotels and frankly don't have the money since I take care of my dad.
Plus I have to board his dog when I do. He just up and leaves when he wants no bother in the world.
I am somewhat depressed. I cant take vacation because I cant leave him alone long, he leaves doors open, lights on oven on. the dogs out and forgets to bring them back in. He doesn't clean after himself. He just leaves a trail..... It is hard on my wife. So I get the brunt and she gets the upset me.... Now since he is getting involved in activities he is going out to lunch and dinners and at the end of the month I will have to give him money.... I cant afford it, I have to help my kids too..... I am just so burnt out........
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Stop babying her, stop letting her treat you this way, and I agree get her to her own place where others can take care of her. Take care of you and your husband..
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Your profile says your mom is in " independent living"...but she's at your home?

If mom is simply physically impaired and mentally sound, you tell her " mom, i can't do this any more. My husband is ill and that's where my first priority lies. I'll help ypu find a senior efficiency apartment, but i can't take care of you any longer". Ask her doctor about what home healthcare services might be available.

If there are mental impairments, you need to ask your local area agency aging for help. You need an assessment of her needs and some guidance about what help is available for financial support, for Assisted Living or NH.
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Mom has been living with us for 2 years now and I know how you feel about burnout. I really have been helping her to be able to live in her own home for the past 20 years. Due to back surgeries she was unable to keep up with a five bedroom house and could not afford to hire help, so I was the go to daughter for all of that. I just wish she would stop treating me like I am her personal slave. My husband has been very ill the past few months, 3 surgeries,43 days in hospital and tried to die 4 times in there. This does not even seem to concern mom,she wants separate meals made just for her and simply does not eat if it not 100 percent to her liking. Any suggestions?
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I've been working with depression and anger too. After searching for answers I found good info through a Google search using what causes depression, how to deal with depression, how does the depressed brain work. I've found my depression started in my very young life. I had no safe place, I was left alone and constantly abandoned, spanked a lot with a brush, I never understood why! Brothers were very mean to me, mother did nothing to protect me from them, except stop crying and they will stop hurting me...I learned it was my fault and just be quiet, later on they began molesting me, I never told, I learned already anything that happened to me was my fault, my older and only sister did not like me, I learned to be a very quiet, very likeable, caring person, a helper etc.
Later in my life, after bad marriage etc. I developed depression and anxiety. Many many years later I was angry, but too scared to acknowledge it fully. Soooo much counseling, that helped some but know as an elderly woman I have learned the hows and whys of depression and anger, anxiety and abandonment..I'm learning to recognize feelings, really for the first time in my life I understand the connection between..fear and anger. depression and abandonment...I hope this rambling will help you as it is me. May God Bless you and help you find peace in this life.
Caregiving can create anger because maybe there was none for you as a child.
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AMEN! We have the same life. Just knowing we are doing the right thing is all we can do. I am in the same mess except have a nutty uncle to tend to nearby as well. You are fortunate to have a nice mother. Mine despises me as does my uncle, but I, too, know that my mother would be dead by now. Hang in there. If you think today is bad, wait til tomorrow. Then one day it will be all over and we will hear the sounds of silence and the hypocrites will seep out of the woodwork once they pass on. Knowing you do all you can and that nursing home care really sucks unless you cant do without it is the only reassurance we get.
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I read something interesting the other day from another Support Group Forum. There is such a thing that is even worse than "regular" burnout - you get to the point where you just start to feel indifferent and can even have dark thoughts - that is really the point when you have to step away. I know I've reached that point at times - I'm just very tired of being the only one in the family of 2 brothers - which are 60/65 that steps up to the plate. They never really even visit except for one night and then poof - gone until a year usually. They go about their lives taking nice vacations, doing their own thing. I'm very burned out but am getting a little break right now. My mother is very independent and can even drive but relies completely on me for her emotional needs and then treats me terribly at times - snapping at me or yelling at me for no good reason. This is after I've washed her car, treated her to lunch, taken her shopping. The energy in my home changes when she is there as she can get downright crotchety for no reason. I'm tired of being her whipping post. And moving her - she is 89 and can't seem to get settled or happy in this late stage of her life. It's exhausting. I'm a single homeowner, work full-time so lots of responsibilities. She acts like I never need downtime. I run the full swing of emotions from extreme white rage anger to guilt - to now indifference. God Bless to all the caretakers out there - it's a long, hard road and we are only human. Don't be too hard on yourselves.
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Like KJSpradlin, I've started writing, re-writing, etc. I keep trying to find a way to express my feelings without coming across as some cold hearted daughter. Suffice it say, I don't have guilt about how I feel. I just "acknowledge" that it is what it is & keep trudging forward. I do believe that what I am doing as her caregiver exceeds what she did, half-heartedly tried to or had the capacity to do in her role as a mother. Does anyone else share this "matter-of-fact" perspective? Nonetheless, we all need a break sometimes to stave off that feeling, no matter what our circumstances.
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I too am taking care of my 89 grandfather. They only had one child my dad. He passed away in 2005 with cancer. My grandmother past away in 2008 with cancer. The only family to take care of him is my sister and I. We have been trying to get him approved for Medicaid. He has met their spendown requirement due to paying thousands of dollars for sitters. Been waiting months to get help with his care. I have handled all the financials for 7 years. I have put my life on hold so I can help him. My sister and I work full time. This is causing trouble in my marriage and my job. I cant lose my job because I have a home to pay for and a husband that has been put second and am scared of losing him. My grandpa has dementia and has balance issues due to multiple falls. He had broken ribs from a fall that put if in a physical therapy facility for 2 months. The therapist told us he needs someone 24 hours due to his safety and health. He is a very negative person is become more angry, crying and acting like what I do just bothers him. I am at my breaking point. Crying at home and work and just miserable. My health is not good. I am ready to walk away.
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Most people feel some relief when they know that they aren't alone in their problem. That's the whole idea behind peer support. Caregivers especially need this kind of support since guilt and burnout are both huge burdens we often cope with. Please keep reading and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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Hi, First post. Just want to say how good it is to identify with you all. Some peace in knowing you are not alone. Also some redemption in knowing I am not the only one who feels anger and resentment and that my life is over! I take heart from you all. Thank you. Norma Jean
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