Depression around holidays?

To every thing there is a season...

When I was a younger adult and in the parent generation, I did the whole decorating, perfect present purchasing and wrapping, holiday treat making and party thing. We gathered at my parents' home for a party Christmas Eve to exchange presents. Mom and I fixed a Christmas dinner where my generation alternated attending with the years spent at their in-laws. When those grandchildren married and started their own families, things changed. There are too many family schedules involved now to have one party or dinner across 4 generations, particularly when one grandson married a child of divorce and another grandson is divorced and remarried so visitation schedules also need to be considered. They do the whole decorating and partying thing. I display a few cherished decorations (like the nativity scene my mother made in her ceramic club decades ago), add a wreath to the door and some cling snowflakes and sleighs to the front windows. I prepare batches of the Christmas goodies and serve them when people visit, often sending them home with a covered disposable plate or enjoy a few myself or with Mom while they last.

I plan and then spend days "fixing" a holiday meal because I cannot do as much in any given day anymore. The apple salad can be prepared 2-3 days ahead, and the awesome broccoli cheese casserole is prepped ahead too; even the turkey can be prepped and placed in the cooking bag the day before. The only thing I actually prepare on the holiday are the rolls, gravy and pecan pies; the rest mostly cycles through the ovens or is pulled from the fridges (I have two). I invite a few "extra" guests for the meal from extended family and neighbors who cannot travel distances anymore. Maybe I don't miss the holes at the table as much because now I have different people there? Nothing has ever been as bad as the year we buried mom's brother (my favorite uncle) on Dec 24. Grandpa had died just a couple of months earlier. Other deaths have been difficult but at least there was more time before the holidays hit.

Just like I once visited my grandparents on the holiday afternoons, my mother's grandchildren and great-grandchildren come to visit us after most having that holiday meal with someone else. It's part of being the "grand" generation. And just like I did all those years ago, they raid the fridge and cookie jars for favorite treats.

In another 10 or 15 years, when the original kids (now parents) are the "grands", I anticipate getting a catered meal or maybe attending one of theirs. I think a big part of me will be relieved not to have the holiday hosting responsibility anymore. Although I like entertaining and people, I also love being alone in my home dressed in a favorite nightgown with a good book or movie and enjoying a meal from my lap desk without any interruptions for child or elder care or even hostess duties.

It's the circle of life.

I already got depressed about Christmas even before I was a caregiver. It's all the commercials with the perfect people and family, and everyone happy. I lost a cousin not long ago and dealing with anticipatory grief, as they could very well be my mother's last Christmas - and maybe my dad's as well. I'm sorry about your mom's passing and I think of everyone I know who has lost someone and how the holidays are really difficult. I wish I could go on vacation somewhere without Christmas!

Using your math, we're all failures because we cannot prevent the death of our loved ones. In reality, none of us are failures because we do the best we can for those we love. And it is enough.

The first Christmas without my dad, I put his portrait on the dinner table so he could be with us. We included him in the grace we said, and acted like he was there with us at the table. Actually, he WAS with us, we just couldn't see him.

I love Ahmijoy's idea about adopting an animal...........my little rescue dog gives me more comfort than anything else on earth, she really does. I truly feel like my late dog Ruby SENT her to me one day when I was looking online for a dog to adopt. Her photo just popped up and I was the first person to apply to adopt her. It was my lucky day, but Ruby intervened for me. Why not look into getting a little furry love bug for yourself?

If you're not into doing the holidays this year, don't. Sometimes, our hearts just aren't in it due to grief and other reasons. That's perfectly fine. You can't always be 'on' for others...........sometimes you just have to take care of YOU.

Be well.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.
You are definitely not alone and you are not a failure! I think feeling this way around the holidays is totally normal. Last year was our first Christmas without my MIL and I felt the same way. It was very hard for me to pull it together and be upbeat and cheerful and put on our annual Christmas Eve party for my family. We have always had Christmas Eve here because it’s my daughters birthday and then Christmas Day, around noon we would all go to MILs house for presents and Christmas lunch. My SIL decided to host Christmas Day last year & serve soup for lunch and after first I was very much against going. I thought....why? She lives 45 minutes away so we have to get up, have our Christmas morning here & eat breakfast with the kids and my parents and then rush to get ready and drive 45 minutes to SILs house! And then drive 45 minutes back. I didn’t see a reason for all of that since we would all be together here on Christmas Eve and could exchange gifts then. With MIL, she lived 5 minutes away and always made a full meal. I felt very much like a grinch last year. Anyway we did have a good time at SILs and it ended up being a shorter visit than I expected. And i felt the same pang if sadness the whole week of Christmas. I felt guilty-and still do-for being so sad and not in the mood to carry out our regular traditions.

This year.....it has been a little bit easier. Last year, my stomach churned and my heart stopped for a second every time I heard a Christmas song start to play! I felt sadness and a sense of dread knowing MIL wouldn’t be with us for christmas. I would have to change the channel/radio station real fast. It wasn’t until about 2 weeks before Christmas that I could listen to Christmas music without being overcome with sadness and dread. This year, it hasn’t been that bad, I can stomach the Christmas music. I went to the mall yesterday and had to walk past the center court where Santa’s village is, the whole mall was decorated for Christmas and I didn’t feel any sadness but then again I was just going in to one store and going right home, I didn’t walk the mall taking in the sights. I can tell you that this year things still don’t feel the same, still don’t seem quite right and I know the same sadness will hit me as Christmas gets closer. It will never be the same again. Christmas has been such a joyous occasion since I became a mother but I don’t feel that same joy any more, not since MIL died.

So you are definitely not alone and the holidays bring about sadness and grief and different emotions for most of us here, but for various reasons.

Your feelings are not uncommon. The Holidays are a time when we are told at every turn that we must be thankful, joyful, celebratory, generous, ready to party at the drop of a hat. We have to enthusiastically decorate to perfection, spend lots of money, clean, cook, buy gifts, wrap gifts, watch all the Hallmark Christmas movies, etc., etc., etc. it’s exhausting and depressing! We miss the people who aren’t there any more. Our house never looks as perfect as we think it should. The cat knocks over the tree. The dog eats the cookies we baked. By the time we’re ready for the Holidays, they’re over.

Do something nice for yourself in the coming weeks. Call a friend. Adopt an animal if you can. Get a mani/pedi. Don’t pressure yourself to have fun. Cry a little. Read s good book. Take care of yourself and treat yourself with understanding.