Depression around holidays?

Your feelings are not uncommon. The Holidays are a time when we are told at every turn that we must be thankful, joyful, celebratory, generous, ready to party at the drop of a hat. We have to enthusiastically decorate to perfection, spend lots of money, clean, cook, buy gifts, wrap gifts, watch all the Hallmark Christmas movies, etc., etc., etc. it’s exhausting and depressing! We miss the people who aren’t there any more. Our house never looks as perfect as we think it should. The cat knocks over the tree. The dog eats the cookies we baked. By the time we’re ready for the Holidays, they’re over.

Do something nice for yourself in the coming weeks. Call a friend. Adopt an animal if you can. Get a mani/pedi. Don’t pressure yourself to have fun. Cry a little. Read s good book. Take care of yourself and treat yourself with understanding.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.
You are definitely not alone and you are not a failure! I think feeling this way around the holidays is totally normal. Last year was our first Christmas without my MIL and I felt the same way. It was very hard for me to pull it together and be upbeat and cheerful and put on our annual Christmas Eve party for my family. We have always had Christmas Eve here because it’s my daughters birthday and then Christmas Day, around noon we would all go to MILs house for presents and Christmas lunch. My SIL decided to host Christmas Day last year & serve soup for lunch and after first I was very much against going. I thought....why? She lives 45 minutes away so we have to get up, have our Christmas morning here & eat breakfast with the kids and my parents and then rush to get ready and drive 45 minutes to SILs house! And then drive 45 minutes back. I didn’t see a reason for all of that since we would all be together here on Christmas Eve and could exchange gifts then. With MIL, she lived 5 minutes away and always made a full meal. I felt very much like a grinch last year. Anyway we did have a good time at SILs and it ended up being a shorter visit than I expected. And i felt the same pang if sadness the whole week of Christmas. I felt guilty-and still do-for being so sad and not in the mood to carry out our regular traditions.

This year.....it has been a little bit easier. Last year, my stomach churned and my heart stopped for a second every time I heard a Christmas song start to play! I felt sadness and a sense of dread knowing MIL wouldn’t be with us for christmas. I would have to change the channel/radio station real fast. It wasn’t until about 2 weeks before Christmas that I could listen to Christmas music without being overcome with sadness and dread. This year, it hasn’t been that bad, I can stomach the Christmas music. I went to the mall yesterday and had to walk past the center court where Santa’s village is, the whole mall was decorated for Christmas and I didn’t feel any sadness but then again I was just going in to one store and going right home, I didn’t walk the mall taking in the sights. I can tell you that this year things still don’t feel the same, still don’t seem quite right and I know the same sadness will hit me as Christmas gets closer. It will never be the same again. Christmas has been such a joyous occasion since I became a mother but I don’t feel that same joy any more, not since MIL died.

So you are definitely not alone and the holidays bring about sadness and grief and different emotions for most of us here, but for various reasons.

Using your math, we're all failures because we cannot prevent the death of our loved ones. In reality, none of us are failures because we do the best we can for those we love. And it is enough.

The first Christmas without my dad, I put his portrait on the dinner table so he could be with us. We included him in the grace we said, and acted like he was there with us at the table. Actually, he WAS with us, we just couldn't see him.

I love Ahmijoy's idea about adopting an animal...........my little rescue dog gives me more comfort than anything else on earth, she really does. I truly feel like my late dog Ruby SENT her to me one day when I was looking online for a dog to adopt. Her photo just popped up and I was the first person to apply to adopt her. It was my lucky day, but Ruby intervened for me. Why not look into getting a little furry love bug for yourself?

If you're not into doing the holidays this year, don't. Sometimes, our hearts just aren't in it due to grief and other reasons. That's perfectly fine. You can't always be 'on' for others...........sometimes you just have to take care of YOU.

Be well.

I already got depressed about Christmas even before I was a caregiver. It's all the commercials with the perfect people and family, and everyone happy. I lost a cousin not long ago and dealing with anticipatory grief, as they could very well be my mother's last Christmas - and maybe my dad's as well. I'm sorry about your mom's passing and I think of everyone I know who has lost someone and how the holidays are really difficult. I wish I could go on vacation somewhere without Christmas!

To every thing there is a season...

When I was a younger adult and in the parent generation, I did the whole decorating, perfect present purchasing and wrapping, holiday treat making and party thing. We gathered at my parents' home for a party Christmas Eve to exchange presents. Mom and I fixed a Christmas dinner where my generation alternated attending with the years spent at their in-laws. When those grandchildren married and started their own families, things changed. There are too many family schedules involved now to have one party or dinner across 4 generations, particularly when one grandson married a child of divorce and another grandson is divorced and remarried so visitation schedules also need to be considered. They do the whole decorating and partying thing. I display a few cherished decorations (like the nativity scene my mother made in her ceramic club decades ago), add a wreath to the door and some cling snowflakes and sleighs to the front windows. I prepare batches of the Christmas goodies and serve them when people visit, often sending them home with a covered disposable plate or enjoy a few myself or with Mom while they last.

I plan and then spend days "fixing" a holiday meal because I cannot do as much in any given day anymore. The apple salad can be prepared 2-3 days ahead, and the awesome broccoli cheese casserole is prepped ahead too; even the turkey can be prepped and placed in the cooking bag the day before. The only thing I actually prepare on the holiday are the rolls, gravy and pecan pies; the rest mostly cycles through the ovens or is pulled from the fridges (I have two). I invite a few "extra" guests for the meal from extended family and neighbors who cannot travel distances anymore. Maybe I don't miss the holes at the table as much because now I have different people there? Nothing has ever been as bad as the year we buried mom's brother (my favorite uncle) on Dec 24. Grandpa had died just a couple of months earlier. Other deaths have been difficult but at least there was more time before the holidays hit.

Just like I once visited my grandparents on the holiday afternoons, my mother's grandchildren and great-grandchildren come to visit us after most having that holiday meal with someone else. It's part of being the "grand" generation. And just like I did all those years ago, they raid the fridge and cookie jars for favorite treats.

In another 10 or 15 years, when the original kids (now parents) are the "grands", I anticipate getting a catered meal or maybe attending one of theirs. I think a big part of me will be relieved not to have the holiday hosting responsibility anymore. Although I like entertaining and people, I also love being alone in my home dressed in a favorite nightgown with a good book or movie and enjoying a meal from my lap desk without any interruptions for child or elder care or even hostess duties.

It's the circle of life.

Billygoat, I think most of us that lost a dear loved one gets depressed around the holidays. I lost my dad 2001, and as the holidays are approaching I am still saddened. Our holidays as a family were very special, all family members gathered at my parents home to celebrate the most wonderful time of the year. We talked, laughed, reminisced about the good old days, listened and danced to the music, had swell times, and it is not the same now. I miss those special times with my family. My mother pointed out to me as I carried on about my dad not being with us, she said "you still have me". That statement put everything in perspective for me, a sort of a wake up call. I cherish every minute I have with my mom and enjoy our special times together. Family holidays are certainly not the same as they once were, but we have the memories of the good old days, and I will cherish them all the days of my life. I hope you find some peace and joy during the holidays.

I just lost my father this morning and I already know that it will give our holiday that dark feeling this year. My mom's and dad's wedding anniversary is one week before Christmas (I should say stepfather, because my real father never cared for us anyway). So I am going to myself and my family distracted on those days--t day dinner with brothers side of family, overnight stay with mom on her wedding anniversary, gifts and movies on Christmas. But holidays will not be the same to me ever again.Prayers to you during the holidays. It's not your fault and you aren't a failure.

I haven't lost any LO's near the holidays and my heart goes out to those of you that have, .. and forge ahead trying to make something of the season.

The upcoming holidays for me, .. bring about some sadness, but not because of the loss of a LO, fortunately.

I can't quite put my finger on the why of it all. The only thing I can reflect on is that the holidays for me, as a child .. we would all descend upon my maternal g'ma's .. mom and all her 5 siblings and the offspring of each . and it was all so much fun. I guess, as a kid I thought holidays would always mean fun and family.

I grew up, had a family of my own .. my own kids. Holidays were spent with our traditions, but also w/going to MIL's home (my own mom moved around too much and married, and re-married, it was hard to keep up with who was the man dujour of the season with her). DH and his siblings and offspring descending upon MIL's home, which is soon to be disposed of . her now in a NH.

One of those siblings .. estranged now, has been for eons . and his offspring sort of the same. The other sibling . one of her kids lives abroad so rarely comes to the states .. and the other is busy with her own life . .never had kids. So .. being around DH's siblings . not really a "thing" anymore, and certainly not those kids.

Our own kids .. are grown now. The oldest, . she's a true loner, thru and thru . and holidays as in most any other time, she sort of appears when it works for her .. and maybe not . and it works best that way for all involved, really. Middle daughter ... she is married, has a family of her own . and her husband's family also lives local so holidays .. (while one might assume .. well go one way one holiday and the other another holiday . doesn't really work that way with them .. her husband is an only child and so his absence, on any given holiday is a stark hole in their world, so they always seemingly go the way of his folks for holidays), and the youngest daughter, is kind enough . in the field she works in . being she's childless .. she chooses .. almost exclusively to work any holiday .. allowing those that have kids to spend time with their kids .. she doesn't have any kids . .and feels for those that do.

Mostly that leaves just me and DH .. as to holidays . not at all the festive times I so fondly recall as a child . or even as a young adult with kids of my own. It's really rather lonely.

DH and myself, not one to exchange trinkets and mindless gifts just for the sake of handing someone a gift, they'll now have to figure out what to do with... and so .. mostly .. it's just another day . one filled with .. not the expectations I'd like to realize ..

I look back fondly at years in the past, of how festive it all used to be, the parties, the baking of endless goodies to give out . and participation with my daughters in that endeavor .. and the endless rushing about of the whole season .. and much to do ..

Not so much that way anymore.

I lost my Mother 2 days after Christmas on my Birthday in 2015.
I dread Christmas and it just gets harder every year.
I'm sorry you feel like a failure Billygoat.I'm sure your'e not.

One of the features of grieving is how hard the holidays are. We get depressed because our beloved won't be there, we're sad when our traditions change because they aren't there. It does get easier with subsequent years, but there's always at least a little sadness mixed in for the first several years after a death.

From my personal perspective, it seems like the 'holiday spirit' (maybe for every holiday, but moreso for the 'big' ones) attracts the most childlike part of our brains -- the part that wants everything to stay exactly the same forever. That part of the brain actively resists even small changes, especially the ones we don't choose for ourselves.

When it's a big change, someone who 'should' be there but won't be ever again, it's so much harder.

This part of grieving is natural, and nearly universal. It's a shame that, as a culture, we don't talk about it enough. We let our employers and friends think that a few days off around the funeral is enough to get 'past' the grief, when it just plain isn't.

And 'first holiday without them' is always the toughest. Even more when the holiday is also the anniversary of this loss.

You are not a failure; the first year anniversary is always tough, even if it's not on a date that has historically been a family celebration.

You might check with your local hospice and see if you can meet with one of their 'bereavement' folks. I would bet that a little conversation with them would help a lot toward easing your mind (though not lifting your sadness).

Billygoat,
I’m sorry about your mom. you can not worry about how your emotions and grief affect others because your feelings are valid and have value. I bet if you were to ask the others and shared with them how you’re feeling they would respond with kindness.
Grief is a circuitous route not a linear route. Ups and downs, twists and turns. We often get sad at holidays because we reminisce and become wistful for what was and what we no longer can experience.
Respect your feelings as normal. As time goes by they will become less painful. I remember the first Christmas after mom died 29 years ago, how decorating the tree with dad only 4 months after her death, brought tears to my eyes. In fact it does even now. So we never lose that sadness completely, it is just less often. Your sadness is still very raw. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
What if you volunteered at a shelter to walk the dogs or pet the cats? Or as someone else said, adopt a rescue who wants a forever home. When we give of ourselves, we heal something inside.

Seventh Day Adventists do not celebrate holidays so no stress. Jesus was not born December 25th and is an adapted pagan holiday--it is a sin to "deck the halls" and even SANTA is SATAN

December 25th and holidays are gluttony and centers of greed so more sinful indulgences, and multitudes are going straight to eternal punishment.

Does that make you feel any better? People die on Christmas because it's just another day.

cetude, please do not pass judgement on the fine people on this site. Some have been through so much in their lives and they just need a little understanding and kindness. Most people celebrate holidays so kindly respect their traditions, please.

You are by NO MEANS a Failure..Angel. My own Mom died a Year ago on December 14th, In which my sister was Forced to Pull the Plug, Watching as Mom was Sadly wheeled away on Her "Last Ride...." Very Heartrendering. My sister now has the Full responitbilty to Care for Sad Dad, And with Christmas comng around very Soon, She Feels AS YOU DO. Don't worry about your Family. If they really love You, They will totally Understand and even Give youy a Hand in maybe having a Small GET together at their house or just at Yours, Nothing Fancy, To Perhaps "Celebrate Mom's Life." Bond with her Memories....God Bless You, sweetheart.xx

You are NOT a failure! The only holiday I had trouble with after my Mother passed was the first Mother's Day. Mom passed on Jan 1, 2004. Pop survived Mom by 7.5 years and my sister was more than willing to host the big holidays as I was not.

Facing your depression is actually the healthiest thing you can do. Denial will not help you or anyone else.

Just do the best you can. Just FYI, a few cashews will help depression - but if you need a prescription, get it. I personally don't want to take antidepressants.

Huggers,
linda

Maybe you could create a new tradition on the holiday of lighting a candle and taking turns sharing special memories of your mom with your family. It sounds like you need to talk about what you're feeling, not crawl in a hole. Don't be ashamed of feeling sad. Mourning is a process that takes time and certainly has waves of intensity that never really go away. Don't feel like you have to mourn alone but try to remember to celebrate her life on special days rather than your loss.

“Feelings” are never NEVER “failure”. Feelings may be a comfort, a sorrow, a shock, a recognition, or perhaps a warning,

The year my father died was the worst year of my life, and in a terrifyingly sad way, also the best.

I had suffered several pregnancy losses and the loss of the adoption of a little girl with blond curly hair when my first viable pregnancy resulted in the birth of my first child, a son. Without warning, my dad dropped dead in his garden less than three weeks later.

Although his loss was in the Spring, I never recovered from it.

As my children grew up, I found my grief softening and becoming more nostalgic because they were here. The process was slow. Now with three amazing grandchildren, I understand my grief, and understand that although those who have gone before us can no longer be touched by us, they are still very near.
This awareness sustains me.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. That you refer to her as ‘beloved’ is a credit to you and your capacity to love and care deeply. Depression makes you feel miserable and crawling in a hole describes one of those feelings well. Qualified counseling and/or anti-depressant medications have helped millions who experience depression for whatever reason and whatever length of time (personally my entire life). Are you the only one? Never. Even if you have no one to go to or talk to, even on holidays, this wonderfully supportive group is always here and will always offer kind words of encouragement. (((Hugs)))

*makes a pinching motion at your forehead, pulls away this "failure" feeling, and tosses it away*

You're not a failure. At all. You've had a major life event involving a beloved person and on a major holiday. Anniversaries of such an event are powerful, and in a huge, stress-filled season to boot.

I'm sorry for your loss and for your deep grieving. Grief is a personal thing and there's NO time limit or path to healing.

It's alright to let people know you need no stress and need (not want) some down time. I hope you consider finding a grief group to talk with. You won't be alone and you'll be surrounded by people who know just what you're going through. Much like this forum, knowing you're not alone in feeling a certain way is priceless.

Only if you're up for it, perhaps consider what your mom did during the holidays, for example volunteering at that particular facility or ONE thing that she enjoyed doing, such as trimming a tree in a certain way or something almost silly, like make a fruitcake. This might help you focus on something positive and allow you to feel your mom's presence (yes, she's there with you) and follow in her footsteps. Just one thing only.

Treat yourself easy and treat yourself well, Billygoat.

Great big warm hug!

The 1st everything is the hardest. Be kind and understanding to yourself. You lost someone that meant the world to you, it is okay to be sad and not want to participate in festivities.

Maybe something that gives you the space to experience the 1st without her and without the worry of ruining the holidays for others. Something low key that allows you to remember all the good times and all the love that you shared.

There is a season for all things. Please love yourself to get through the season and live the life that you know that your mom would want, continue to pass on the legacy of love to others. That is the gift she left you, she is proud that you will be regifting her gift.

Hugs!

I am sorry for your loss. You are NOT a failure. What you are feeling is common and normal. My mom has been gone 4 years and I still don't like the holidays. I keep it simple and cozy as possible. This holiday will come and go, and I found the first one especially hard, but keeping things simple helped...I focused on good food and very little decor, low key. Take care of yourself, get rest, don't try to make it the perfect holiday. One good thing about the holidays, eventually Spring will come.

You are experiencing grief. Please find a grief group to attend weekly. The people in the group know exactly how you feel - and have found ways to survive the holidays as well as every day.

I think one of the most annoying things about the holidays is the perpetual "all ready for Christmas?" one hears from strangers and others. I've tried to come up with a suitable answer that will be both true and couth. Maybe "no, and I don't give a _____" is too harsh.

Many years ago I worked in a small company in which the owner and his family went to Tahiti during Christmas, and I was told this was mainly to escape it. I've thought it might be a good time to go to Dubai to see the Burj Khalifa. I've read that although the Australians generally celebrate Christmas, it isn't the overblown obsession it has become in the US.

Dear Billygoat,
How did you celebrate when your Mom was alive? How did SHE celebrate the holidays?
Do you remember, or can you now look back and recall, a time when celebrating was a challenge for her, but she pulled it off for the family?
Maybe you could keep her close by imitating what she used to do. Imagine her looking down on you now and her being able to see that she taught you how to carry on, in more ways than one : her traditions and yourself.
Is there one object or Christmas song or food that could symbolize her presence? A photo?
Make it a celebration of your Mom's and your connection.
Best to you,
Acacia

When my grandmother passed a few years ago, my mom (her daughter) was inconsolable. It lasted for months. Christmas rolled around and while she kept up with basics of decorating and such, she kept mentioning how she wasn’t feeling it at all, too sad, etc. Totally understandable and she had to grieve in her own way.

I asked her what grandma would want us to do. She’d want us to celebrate the holidays, enjoy the company, eat the food we only have at holidays. That if grandma knew how miserable mom was, she’d be upset that she was the source of the misery, for whatever reason— even though it wasn’t her fault she and had no control. It’s hard when you’ve hurt someone you love, no matter how or why it happened.

She was still sad of course, but doing what would have made grandma happy made it a little more bearable.

Maybe do something for the community in honor of your mother - volunteer in a senior home or food pantry or with children...It's important to keep busy and try to get purpose back in your life after the loss of a loved one.

I find that the best thing to do when I feel low is to help someone else. Do something selfless. Maybe there is someone in a nursing home who doesn't have family that could use a little attention. Donate the fixings for a holiday meal for a family with low income. Find a philanthropic group to join. There is one organization that takes flowers used for events and they make small arrangements to deliver to shut-ins and people in nursing homes. Our senior council has a person who comes to a shut-in's home, bakes a chicken dinner, and while it is cooking, she has tea and visits with the resident. By doing these things, the holidays will go by faster as you will be busy and not thinking so much of your loss. On the other side of it, you could establish a lovely way to honor your mom during the holidays as well that will help create positive memories.

Billygoat,

Be true to yourself. Do what feels right for you. Don’t think about impressing others right now. Take time to heal.

You are a kind caring person and you’re going to figure this out. When we are in pain, things get all jumbled. I have faith that you will sort it out. Just don’t force yourself to do anything that you aren’t ready for.

You’re not running a race to get to a finish line with a gold medal. I get choked up seeing people finish a race knowing that they aren’t going to win. They aren’t in it to win.

It’s a stepping stone to perhaps winning one day. You know, the people I am speaking about. The older person. the physically disabled person, who is thrilled just to compete and cross the finish line! Everyone loves the winner but pulling for the underdog is special too.

We have all been winners and all been underdogs. You don’t need to be anything for anyone else this year. Be there for you. Show up for you. Others can wait. You are the priority this year.

A surprising number of deaths take place around Christmas (stress or even falls from the wretched tree), so many of us share your experience. Another trouble comes when weddings are timed for ‘special’ dates (like birthdays or holidays). If the marriage goes pear shaped, those anniversaries can also bring a lot of pain. Just do your best to survive the first anniversary, and know that it does get less painful in time. You don’t have to over-act joy, just try not to make everyone else miserable! Have courage.

One of the teachings I have found states: "I have made death a messenger of joy! Wherefore doest thou grieve?" I am slowly getting to understand this. Mom is in a much better place now than here. And she can be with you in spirit. Picture her as part of the celebration, in spirit, and do the things she would approve of and enjoy. We always gathered at my mom and dad's for Christmas and now that they are gone, we still gather together just like they would have wanted. We enjoy each other's company and the family is so much larger now with all the grand-children and great grand-children and spouses. We are making a legacy of this practice of gathering that we learned from them. Yes, I miss my mom, but I cherish the memories I have of her and all the other family members who loved me and watched out for me. I can pass that on by loving others and watching out for them. For our gathering, each family provides part of the meal, making sure the dishes my mom did are provided again--it helps us still feel connected. I wish for you peace in your heart and doing loving things in her honor helps her soul grow closer to God.