Dementia or delayed grief?

My mother cared for my stepfather thru his Alzheimer’s. She seemed confused after his death and exceedingly hostile. She had a difficult personality so assumed it was her way of reacting to his death but I wondered if it was the start of dementia. Roughly a year later she began having delusions , they did a CT scan and found she had had a few strokes during my stepfather’s illness. Diagnosis:vascular dementia. Please take him to a neurologist .

When my husband would ask about a family member who passed, I would try to have a very upbeat voice and tell him they were in heaven and they were very happy. He might sadly reply,” they’re in heaven“ and I would say yes and acknowledge his feelings and then tell him who else they were with (their mom, dad, etc.) and how happy they were now. AfterThat, I’d try to redirect? That usually helped

Does he not know what she died from? You say you "decided to tell him the truth", and "to cover up the death", and "he wants the truth". Has he been misled about her death? Experiencing grief after only several months of her passing is not unusual. I lost my wife of 52 yrs in Jan of 2018 and still have moments of sadness. There is no "normal" grieving period. Overcoming grief is not a linear experience. Some days are better than others. I can understand his lack of emotion, and later his crying.

I was depressed after my wife's death from AD. Could that be your dad's issue also? Depression can cause cognitive problems like short term memory loss. At this time, I wouldn't consider dementia until he was evaluated for depression by a psychologist. I would maybe call the hospice counselor back also to see if she/he could help with his grief. After the death of a spouse, lonliness is the biggest obstacle for the survivor. Often times, reminiscing helps, like when he talked about their first date.

Don't jump on the dementia bandwagon yet until his grief is better addressed and depression is ruled out (although I don't know how it could be).

Where was he when she died? Has he been her caregiver?
How long had she been ill?
Often caring for someone they are more able to "hide" signs of dementia since they are on a routine that rarely changes they can handle the tasks.
There is also evidence that the caregiver of a person with dementia often develops dementia as well. (I'm not sure if this is age related or the deprivation of activity and conversation I have not read more detail about it)
If he has not seen his doctor in a while I would schedule that.
If the Hospice is doing a Bereavement Support Group get him involved with that.
But also keep in mind there is no "schedule" for grief. But the fact that he continues to look for her leads me to believe that there may be some dementia involved.
Condolences on the loss of your mom.

Yes he definitely has memory loss - sometimes gets up from table to go to bathroom and then forgets to finish his meal. My mom was taken by ambulance to hospice and he went one time to see her - she was asleep from the morphine - but was not there when she passed away. We have talked to another family whose dad has dementia and they said they even took their dad to see the gravestone - but next day he had forgotten all about it. I have been telling him that she passed from the very beginning. If he had gotten upset, I wouldn't have told him. Some other family members have told him she is 'away' and he seems to know that's not the true story. Guess his generation doesn't believe in showing emotions to strangers because the grief counselor gets nowhere with him. Also tells them he is not depressed. Counselor kept trying to prompt him about how he felt, to no avail. He was checked the other day for UTI and it was ok, so guess it is not Alzheimer's but some other dementia. He seems to have a type that affects emotions - he will sometimes cry when he gets frustrated at buttoning his shirt. This is a guy who would make fun of his children when they cried about anything!

Has he been checked for Parkinson’s disease? This can cause not only dementia but also the delay in response to things such as this. Just something to consider having him checked for. Also he may just not want to believe it so he don’t that can be a coping mechanism. Prayers to your family it’s very hard to have a parent gone and one also having problems. Sending you lots of love this can be very hard.

This sounds like dementia with the short term memory and the knowing,and the searching. It may be coming on quickly due to the grief.

Dementia memory comes and goes, one day the patient may be quite lucid and other days oblivious to all that maters. You have to play it by ear. Some days you may need to deflect other days you could be straight truthful, but I would be careful how much and what you say. Franklin’s response (below) is right on.

This isn’t an answer I just wanted to say I lost my mom in hospice on Wednesday, July 29th She was 84 it was very hard, but the hospice nurses were Angels from God I’m so glad that she was peaceful and that received the care that she deserved. I took care of her for almost a year and it was my greatest honor to do so!

You have so many good responses already.
From my experiences-
my father in law took care of my mother in law who was confined to a wheelchair at the end of her life. He was in great physical shape.
We always thought she was being very bossy telling him what to do.
We began to realize after he was gone, she was being bossy was because he had early stage Alzheimer’s.