My mom with dementia called the police tonight because we won't let her drive. She now wants us out of her house. Help!

sharynmarie,
Yes, she had a mimi stroke i Oct/Nov that are not detectable easily but not a major stroke (brain bleeding) and she was confused so her doctor had her pre-admited thinking she had a stroke. Turns out she had an ACCUTE SEVERE UTI that caused the confusion.
She is still mentally competent but her short term memory is declining.
Her Neurologist said it was caused by Metabolic encephalopathy, but now that my brother admitted that he thought it was due to old age and perhaps it's dementia.
She was driving had her bridge club noted at her house the Friday before she went into the hospital the following Thursday...and refused to go. Her doctor had to call for 3 hours straight to get her to go. My brother was at home with her. I was spending the week with my father in Arkansas who will be 81 and is active and sound mind.
The neurologist prescribed the Aricept because she said if its given at the early signs, it can slow the progress. Of course there is no cure.
Today she is gardening so she's calm, but yesterday she had my brother drive her to her doctor with no appointment. I have no idea what happened or what was said and I just can't take calling him to find out. My nerves are shot.
The nurse called me on my cell phone because my brother just dropped her off and went to get gas. She told me that one of us has to escort her when she goes to the doctor and they were wondering how she go there.
He finally went up to the office but I didn't even ask or wanted to know if she created a scene.
I took the bus downtown because it was a nice day yesterday only to have it ruined by getting the call fro the nurse and my brother getting mad at me because he felt he did nothing wrong.
Let's hope she tires herself out gardening this afternoon. She loves her flowers. I'm in my room decompressing and will go pick up her refill meds later this evening to get out the house. I don't want her to see me driving the car out of the garage because tthat might start an episode.

sunflo2,
I too have mourned the loss of "my mom" or wishing her to thank me, be grateful for all I've done or apologize.
I am waiting for the next event where she ends up in the hospital and case manager or social worker makes her move into a care facility.
Thank you for your reply. This really makes me feel better and not alone.

Also the neurologist waited until all test came back and UTI was clear and her kidneys were back functioning (she has kidney disease due to her high blood pressure but is not on dialysis). The ER pumped her with haldol and all types of sedatives and they wanted to clear that out of her system to get to the root of the problem.

I would leave and let the pieces fall where they may. We had to do it with our own Mother - but she wasn't trying to drive. In our case, we had a new care giver and she called an ambulance the first morning that she worked. Mother has not been home, since - because neither my sister or I live within 1500 miles of her. Your mom would be much safer in a home for people with dementia. Oh, and disable that car, just in case she would find the keys or has others, somewhere.

Not sue if the Aricept is working but she is calmer except when she has rants about her not driving or not being able to be independent...stuck in the house....she seems the neurologist in August after being on it for 6 months.

My brother takes her for outings in is car and to the movies. I can't drive with her because we will argue and I am afraid I will have an accident. She does nothing but criticize me because my life didn't turn out like she wanted it to.
Her girlfriend tales her to the hair salon twice a month and she has monthly bridge clubs (but I doubt they will let her host again since she's not always herself.

Chicago1954,
How old was your mother when she went 'away' did she have advanced Dementia? Is she in a nursing home? My mother has no savings and cannot afford an assistive living facility. She also has a mortgage. Her house is "underwater".

Mom is still out back gardening. I walked to the CVS to pick up her prescriptions. I am glad I got out and got the exercise. It's about a mile but I took my time and was walking for about an hour while talking to my girlfriends that live in other states on the phone.
I told my mother my blood pressure was up and that I had a migraine (white lie) and that I needed to relax and rest in my room for the say. She said do you want to go to the doctor? I said no I just need to relax. She said you go on and relax then. She was talking with a neighbor (they know her condition) so thank God the guy was patient with her. She was sweeping and planting her flowers she purchased from home depot. Hopefully she will have a good nights sleep AFTER a bath tonight!
Thanks for letting me vent.

Of course your nerves are shot...you are only human. Sounds like your brother needs a wake up call...HELLO!! Your situation is a little different from mine as you are living with your mother. When my mom would start with accusations before she was incapacitated, I avoided contact, would not return her calls but I still kept a tight watch on her with the help of a couple ladies mom was in contact with. My mom doesn't just have Alzheimer's...she also has a personality disorder (mental illness). With the support of this site and these two ladies who knew my mom had Alzheimer's, I was able to get through 2012. My mom would get so angry with me and sis accusing us of stealing her money, etc. While she was still competent we limited contact during these tirades. Eventually she calmed down just like your mom has. You will get through this so vent away, it helps and the feedback from others helps to ground you too. Hugs!!

OUCH! Been there -- the dementia patient DOES NOT SEE THE PROBLEM. They sometimes know (subconcously) that something is wrong, but fight/deny it with all kinds of crazy logic (carried a flaming pot of food through a hallway full of paper-filled boxes rather than simply putting a lid on the pot? I found the char marks on the boxes..."you should have seen the flames---it was the only way to take care of it" - YIKES!!!).
You and your brother need to have a talk ASAP. Your mother will fight you.
One of you may have to play "bad cop" in order to get her to sign DPOA with the other. This needs to be done before she is OFFICIALLY declared "incompetant", so you need to move fast fast fast! Make sure that your brother knows you will support him/assist, & he can be a figurehead if he wants (be prepared to allow him to make decisions that you disagree with -- if they don't actually endanger your Mom or others (driving!) decide ahead of time that you will give in.
Be sneaky with the car (remove the distributer cap and it "won't run", disconnect starter wires, whatever), sabotage her key so it won't work (hide the working key), when the car "doesn't work" offer to drive her where-ever. (if she has a mechanic, let him in on what/why if it gets that far, so he can delay by needing to order parts, etc..

Don't argue with your Mom's bad logic, as this will just make it worse. From experience it's hard as heck, especially at the beginning of this when she SOUNDS normal. Don't know how much you can tell family members (ie her sister), as they may be at the beginning of this.
Also, if you CAN do DPOA it is much cheaper than conservatorship (by at least $25k in lawyers fees alone if you are the conservator, plus book-keeping, court fees, investigator fees etc.. etc. etc. that can easily be $5-10k/year for the rest of your Mom's life)
You DO probably need help, but please don't let yourselves get talked into a professional conservator--hire things done if necessary, but keep control of your mother in the family.

The "good kid/bad kid" thing -- your mother needs a scapegoat to blame for why people are trying to stop her from doing things, & it sounds like she's decided it's you (could be less afraid that you will abandon her, may think she can manipulate your bro more easily...).

Please be sympathetic with the terror that she will be for the next 6 months -- she is likely to know in some part of her mind that she is losing one of the things that she values most --her mind. It's like the worst sort of death sentence for someone who is very bright.
I don't know what state you are in, but in CA a Dr. can contact the DMV to have a lic. suspended for medical reasons that create a danger (black-outs, dementia, seizures, etc). , but no lic. may not stop your Mom.

My mother turned 94, shortly after she began this journey of hospital, rehab, nursing home, and assisted living. Mine would not have been able to be out in the yard. She stayed in her own home, up to the very last day that she could get out of bed on her own. Medicare paid for a lot of her hospital, etc.

My mom also was found to have had small strokes, and bascially vascular dementia. She also would get worse with UTIs or cellulitis or anything. She once started hitting people at the assisted living with her purse and they were smart enough to realize it was medical and got her to the ER without even needing to ask me. But another time, Mom was having fits over nothing and they wanted to take her to gero-psych, and I insisted on the medical ER first and was very glad I did, as she turned out to be having a heart attack and just could not voice what she was feeling in any way they could understand, until later when she finally mentioned, "Yeah, my chest hurt." OK, how does "it's scary, it's spooky" and "everybody is talking too much" translate into "my chest hurts and I need medical attention?" It doesn't. I put it on her care notes that seriously aggressive behavior usually had a medical cause and to always think of that first.

That problem of decompensating and getting combative with any infection or illness was what finally made me realize there was absolutely no way Mom could go back home and live on her own as she so deeply wished, even with a LifeLine and the world's best neighbors.

You can not get a POA if your mother is deemed incompetent, if this boat has sailed you have to get a guardianship. I would work on getting a POA while she is deemed competent enough to deal with her affairs. She will get over wanting you out unless she is not as demented as you think. I would be careful what paperwork I initiate about her competence before you have legal action covered.

New2Dementia-First may I say as a nurse you have a long road ahead of you. Secondly, get a letter from the neurologist stating your mother's condition is memory deficiency and you can file for guardianship with the Probate Court. Aricept is not a drug that will change the dementia diagnosis, and many people taking it experience aggressive behaviors, so talk to her doctor about decreasing the dosage or stopping it altogether. My husband could not take that drug at all even in the tiniest of dosages. The stages of dementia are different for most depending on the damage in the brain, but usually the aggressiveness diminishes given times. But, it only goes downhill from here. This is a terminal illness and start preparing yourself for the eventual outcome. Notify your motor vehicle dept. she has a medical condition which would make her a danger to herself and others if given another driver's license. Also, the police who responded after she called them probably checked her license and found out it was expired. Any domestic altercations are civil matters, but if she injures you physically you could press charges if you wanted. You are to be commended for moving back to care for her, and I wish you and your brother the best!

I guess it is not unusual for an older person with some form of dementia to be in denial. My mother is in her 90's and over the past 5 years had progressive dementia. She is the same, refusing help, resenting people doing anything, insisting she can it it herself (which she can't and doesn't) Fortunately we got her to sign paperwork when she did her will, so we have control of finances and medical. I would suggest taking your mother to a doctor and see if he can confirm she shouldn't be making decisions and maybe you can have her legally declared incompetent, which would at least give you power to control when she needs to be moved to an institution and you can take care of her finances.

I had a similar situation, but it went more smoothly. Thankfully, it was a perceptive cop who answered her call.

I went out to do an errand, came back 1 1/2 hr later. She didn't know where I was, so called the cops to report me as a missing person. I was home again when the police arrived. She couldn't remember why she had called them, so said I was stealing from her and she wanted me to leave. He asked "what did she steal?" The answer was "stuff". She couldn't name anything. The cop was great. He seemed to see what the story was, and worded things to give me hints. I got his his hint , and said to my aunt. "ok, I'll leave, but can I stay tonight?" She said ok. The cop looked pleased and left. By morning, she had forgotten all about this. It had blown over.

Oh, and BTW, the policeman also contacted the town's Dept of Elder Affairs. They dropped over to see what support services they could offer.

Wish I could have told you my story before this happened to you!

You have my prayers and good wishes.

If she tells the police she wants you out and you do not have a right to residence, are on the deed of the house or have a lease they have to remove your from the house regardless, she owns the house.

I would honestly suggest bro get DPOA, then incomp when necessary. you will be the ones filing for guardianship anyhow, so DPOA is same result but cheaper. You can court challenge if she tries to change it. As long as you two have no reason not to be guardian (ie no felony, gambling addiction, etc) there is no reason not to be DPOA. I don't think the courts want to do an unneeded guardianship. DO KEEP GOOD $ RECORDS!!!! pretend that every dime may have to be accounted for to the courts...it might save your derrier later. STAY sqeaky clean on the $ so if she says you are stealing you can prove to courts that you aren"t (it may come to showing to acct statement & asking if you are stealing why is nothing missing?)

It's probably time to find out what the rules are about Medicaid eligibility in your state when she's underwater on the mortgage. I assume that she will run out of money sooner rather than later, and you don't want her to use her money in a way that might delay her eligibility.