My mom with dementia called the police tonight because we won't let her drive. She now wants us out of her house. Help!

Your mother has dementia. It is difficult to say that she "refuses to try to understand" something ... it may be beyond her current capabilities to try to understand something. She is not in her right mind. It won't change her behaviors for you to accept this, but it may help you not take it personally or to expect to be able to get her to change.

Her driving license expired? Great! Let's hope she doesn't figure out what she could do to renew it, and can't find anyone willing to help her. Now she at least knows that the police can't do anything for her in that regard.

Now she wants you to move out of her house. (Who is the "us" she wants out? Who else is living with her?) If it is her house and if she has not been declared incompetent, she probably has the right to insist that you leave. Certainly that would not be in her best interests, but competent adults are allowed to make their own decisions, even very bad decisions.Do you have anything from the doctors in writing, regarding not driving? Would they be willing to put in writing that due to dementia she does not have the judgment to make her own financial and/or health decisions, in their opinion?

You feel that she cannot safely live on her own. You felt so strongly about that, in fact, that you moved 1000 miles to come help her. But she does not have to accept your help, or any help, unless she is declared incompetent.

This must feel really frustrating to you! You are only trying to help, and she is resisting you. And it is probably not much consolation that this is an extremely common situation! Often all that can done is to wait for some crisis, such as a fall that puts her in the hospital, to change the status quo. Sad.

Is there a chance that this will all blow over if you patiently just wait long enough? That she'll forget about wanting you to leave? "I'm looking for an apartment, Mom. What do you want me to fix for dinner tonight?" What about staying at your brother's apartment for a few days. Do you think that actually being on her own might convince her that she likes having a little help? (Maybe not ... she is not in her right mind ... but might it be worth a try?)

If you do have to leave, I THINK I would talk to Adult Protection Services. (I have not done that. I hope others who have first-hand experience with APS will weigh in on this.) You would state that you consider your mother a vulnerable adult, explain her medical conditions (including dementia), and that you very much do not want her left to fend for herself. You are not abandoning her voluntarily but she is insisting on you leaving. Is there anything they can do to ensure her safety?

My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation. If you can possibly let this blow over or help Mom to change her mind, that would be the easiest solution.

Keep us informed.

Thanks for your reply.
My older brother spends almost every night at her house with us.
We do have something from the doctors in writing, regarding her not driving, but it's just on his letter head.
I am hoping he will be willing to put in writing that due to dementia she does not have the judgment to make her own financial and/or health decisions.
I cook, clean after her, pay the bills, get her meds, etc. but she is abusive to me and calls me a liar.
My brother is the "golden one".
I am hoping she took a Seraqiil that I out in her bill box tonight (only to be then as needed) and that tomorrow will be a new day.
p.s. my brother is considering taking her to drive in an empty lot. I told hi me was crazy and all of her Dr's and neurologist are against it.
Thank god we have the car keys and have dead bolt locks installed on all doors if and she that time comes.
Bottom line she is a retired school teacher of 50 yeas and is having a hard lime depending on us and loosing her independence.
I have detached and keep to myself and don't intact with her to keep my sanity.

I meant I put a Seraquil in her night time pill slot and hope she takes it and that it will help her combative behavior tonight, We are only to use it in emergencies.

New2Dementia, I know what you are going through. My mother has never actually called the police, but she often threatens to call them. She says she is going to have them remove me from her home. She wants me gone. It is always a response to something I've had to do that makes her feel like she is losing control. When it gets bad like this, I am often tempted to do what she says -- leave. The thought runs through my mind that I am getting a Get Out of Jail Free card. Looking back, maybe I should have used the card the first time. :)

In my mother's case, it always blows over and she apologizes. Some part of her realizes that she needs me more than I need her. If I were to leave, there would be no option for her except a nursing facility, which she doesn't want.

You are doing the best thing, IMO, in avoiding her. Your brother's idea of driving around the parking lot is a terrible one, IMO. She needs to put the ideas of driving behind her. If she drives around the parking lot okay, she may continue to think she is competent to drive.

I hope it blows over. You sound like you are doing a good job. Elders losing control can turn very abusive. In this case, your mother felt powerless to get you to let her drive, so she called in the big guns. It sure feels like bullying to me and is so unpleasant. I'm glad your brother is there with you. Between the two of you, I think you can cover whatever lies ahead.

JessieBelle,
Thanks again for your response.
I am in the same situation: If I were to leave, there would be no option for her except a nursing facility, which she doesn't want.
I've been detaching and avoiding her, while still paying bills, cleaning up her bathroom, doing laundry, cooking and taking care of the house. I just don't say anything to her.
The hurting part is, that she calls her sister that also has Dementia and tells her I am crazy. I am protecting myself and sanity as a caregiver. The battle is only going to get worse.
I thought the Seraquil would help last night, but she woke up with the same rant with her keys. My brother was about to give in and go get her a car key made and take her driving in an empty lot, then take to her to the DMV to get another license. But I called her Doctor and he answered (Thank God). He told my brother to absolutely not let my mother drive, under no circumstances. Then my brother asked if he would speak to my mother. He told my mother she could not longer drive and that she had Dementia and it's a risk and a safety hazard. She went off on him.
Now she's telling her sister I've gotten her medical doctor to side with me. Is that insanity or what? She doesn't want to believe she has Dementia because she says she feels fine. She choked me this morning and called me a liar and said I was stealing from her.
My brother did nothing to help. I guess he was frustrated after the police visit last nite. At least he listened to her Doctor and is not going to let her drive or give her a key.
Now my mother says she's going to switch doctors. The writing is on the wall and it's all in her hospital and medical records.
Keeping to myself and will call the 24/7 Altz hotline when I feel like Im going to break down or will try to post on this site.

You have my sympathy, empathy, and just plain pathy over the pathos.
Excellent responses from the Best on this site.
Please tell brother to forget about enabling her. He needs to get on same page with you guys, bless his heart. Always someone holding out for hope in the family. Got to get real and in the present to deal with Mom:) xo
As long as DMV, Dr. and your family are in sync, just agree to take a proactive approach for the well-being of everyone, especially Mom. It's an opportunity to make some peace and progress in your family. All the Best to you. Help and/or venting is always awaiting you here, Dear One. Take care, xo

You are getting the best of the best from this site...
How did your mother respond to the police? Would it make sense to ask your local police/medic people to speak with your Mom? Sometimes a person of authority can get through the denial. (maybe not).
And I actually had to laugh at her deciding she is changing doctors!!! She sure wants her own way!
If she still have a car there, can you get rid of it? If you are using it, could you trade it on for a different car? Seeing HER car may increase her desire to drive it but if it isn't around or if a different car is there, she may not have as much insistence on driving. Maybe even get one with a stick shift if she is accustomed to automatic transmission. Just an idea!
You probably need some breaks yourself. You didn't mention what work/career field you were in before taking over the care of your mom. Could you get a job in this "new" town? Maybe having some outside funds coming in and making some new friends will help you get a better balance in your own life. Maybe find out about "adult care centers" or even the Senior Community Center for some extra activities for her. Even if she got into an exercise program/class she'd start to accept that she needs your help.
I feel so sorry for you. Why do nice people turn out to be so mean and angry?
Bonnie

DON'T HESITATE ANY LONGER to call a hot line and get additional help. Of course she feels fine, she is impaired enough to believe that everyone around her is causing all her problems...and no one ever wants to believe that they have dementia. Brother feels guilty about not respecting her wishes and isn't quite emotionally ready to take over control and begin the difficult journey of making decisions for an incompetent loved one, but that is exactly what has to be done. Again, she has physically attacked you - in her mind she is defending herself appropriately from someone trying to harm her. I think you and brother need to get with a geriatric specialist and line up help, possibly get a guardianship or at the very least a statement of incapacity (not just for driving) and get on with making sure she can get the care and support she needs to be safe and not harm herself or anyone else, even though to a greater or lesser degree it may always be unwillingly. This is very much more a matter for social services rather than for police, as they have no training in competency assessment or dementia at all and have to act only on what has already been adjudicated. My heart goes out to you all, this is not easy, and the difficult decisions you make now will be very, very important to all of you in this situation.

I'm glad that your brother got the driving message direct from the doctor. It sounds like he could use a little education about dementia, in order to be more effective in acting in Mom's best interest. Finding caregiver support groups for both of you might be very helpful. It is good to see that you are not alone and to hear how others have dealt with difficult issues.

Mom is not going to change (except for the dementia symptoms to increase). The changes have to come in how you and your brother handle things.

Even though Mom is not responsible for her attacks on you -- again, she is not in her right mind -- no one has to put up with abuse, regardless of its cause. Make sure her doctors know about this behavior. Protect yourself. Work with your brother on this ... for heaven sake he should not stand around and let abuse occur!

My heart goes out to all three of you. Please continue to inform us of how this is progressing for you.

BonnieW,
Thank you for your response. I tried to show the police her hospital papers documenting her Dementia and her letter about not driving from her Dr, but they did not want to see it. They told me to go to another room because I was only agitating the situation, when I though I was providing with them with medical facts.
They told me it was a civil matter. My mother said she would call her lawyer (she doesn't have one).
She continued to rant and rave for hours after they left and said she was going to find new doctors. She also continued to verbally abuse me and say I was a liar, while treating my older brother with "kid gloves".
She refuse outside help and says she doesn't need help and can take care of herself.
This morning, my brother said he was going to get her a key made for her car and take her driving in an empty parking lot. I immediately called her doctor and he said absolutely not. I asked him to speak to my brother and he did. My brother had him talk to my mother, he told my mother "you cannot drive, you have Dementia" she told him she was calling her lawyer...he said feel free...he's been her doctor for over 20 years. She called her sister and told her I got her doctor (a licensed medical professional to side with me and tell her not to drive). Talk about insanity!!!
My brother finally got the message and gave up on her driving.

I also fax letters regularly to her doctor to document her behavior, not taking meds, agitation, combative behavior, etc.
I am frustrated that my mother's neurologist told my brother clearly your mother doesn't have a good relationship with your sister...so you have to accept that along with her having dementia. He was in denial for years. Everytime I called home, I would say to my broth over the past 2 years "something is not right with mom" and he would say "she's fine". Mother's and their sons...boy oh boy and he's the oldest too...can do no wrong.

p.s. the police said their was nothing they could do and that it was a civil matter. I imagine if it got physical my brother or I would have been in jail since it's her house :-(

The thought of her losing her independce is driving her mad. Don't take anything personal. Get everything through writing. And her thinking of changing doctor's is a since of her trying to get control of her life. She feels she's losing control. My opinion

What i meant is her trying to gain some kind of control

New2Dementia, I feel just like you are dealing with my mother except she never drove. (Thank goodness! That would have been hard.) If things for you go the same way, it will be like a small tornado passing through. There will be a lot of words, childish behavior, threats, and maybe even attempted assaults, but things will settle down. One thing she may try to do soon is to ransack your room looking for the keys. I hope you have a way to lock her out of your rooms.

I go through these things with my mother's medicines. She isn't competent to take them correctly, so I had to take charge of them. After going through WWIII two or three times, I was able to find a kinder way of taking charge of them. However, you can't do the same with an automobile. If you aren't using a car, you may want to find a way to temporarily disable it -- disconnecting the electric harness or something similar. The only problem with this is that a car has to be driven occasionally to keep it healthy. Perhaps someone can take it "to the shop to be fixed" and it just never comes back. I don't know if it would work with her. Older people, even those with dementia, are hard to fool.

If my mother is an example, this should blow over in a couple of days. I would say just hunker down until it does and avoid being around her. Again, I would try to keep her out of my room and purse and watch out for angry fists and flying objects. I hope it will be passed soon. All we can do is take these things as they come and make the decisions we have to make.

It will blow over

BTW, while you're waiting for things to blow over, just go through your normal routines. She may sit like a fuming person with eyes glowing "I hate you." That is what happens with me. It can be unnerving, but I don't let on. I know what I'm doing is right. I understand how she feels and know some day I may be in the same position. But I know there are things she just can't do anymore. To give in would be easier at the moment, but it would make things harder in the long run. I am glad you have the doctor, so you can say that the doctor said she can't drive.

Brother...And your mom was an educator for 50 years!
It doesn't seem right that you are there arguing with her about basic things, including respect.
This could be your chance to leave it all to your brother. think about it.

Yes, an educator up until 75 or 76 years. Everthing she says is right and if you don't agree with her the you are wrong. Plus she has 3 masters degrees.And of course I am still 12 in her mind.

Thank you for all of your feedback and suggestions. Please continue to throw out suggestions as they come to ind.
I have no car, so I have to use hers. I f I could I would sell it and rely on Zip Car...seems as if it would be less drama....but then again...she would wonder where her car is :/

BonnieW,

Yes, an educator up until 75 or 76 years. Everthing she says is right and if you don't agree with her the you are wrong. Plus she has 3 masters degrees.And of course I am still 12 in her mind.

Anyone, absolutely anyone, can develop dementia. In my local support group we have had caregivers of clergy (2), police, architect, lawyers (2), engineers (3), and housewife, to name what I can remember off the top of my head. And I can tell you this, a lawyer with dementia is no more logical than a housewife with dementia. Previous education, experience, degrees, and occupation do not insulate one from the impairments dementia inflicts.

I understand what you are going through and my breaks for you. T his is very difficult as I have been there. This is what I suggest you do. Do not argue with her, do not tell her she has dementia, redirect her thoughts to other subjects. If you have taken your mother to a neurologist, what was his/her diagnosis? Did you ask straight out, is she mentally incapacitated? My mother lost her drivers license in early October last year. She refused all medication for dementia since the diagnoses in Dec. 2009. After losing her license, she declined rapidly and was determined mentally incapacitated in March of this year. We went through all the similar frustrations you are going through and Jeanne is right, if your mother is still considered competent, there is not much you can do but distance yourself. I am concerned that you do not have DPOA and I suggest you seek the advice of an elder law attorney because you may need to get a guardianship/conservatorship when your does become mentally incapacitated. Attorney's generally do not charge for the first consultation so take advantage of it arm yourself with information so you are prepared for the future. My mother has a DPOA, she has a living trust. We could not use the DPOA until mom was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated. My mother still insists there is nothing wrong with her...this is normal for dementia so please do not spend your time trying to argue with her or convincing her she has this. Let your mother take care of her personal care as much as she can do for herself. My mother is taking Namenda and an antidepressant. The antidepressant has does done wonders in calming her down so she does not panic as badly as she was back in late December. I had to lie to her about what the medication was for or she would have refused to take it. Take care and keep us posted. Hugs to you!!

sharynmarie,Thank you for your reply.
Her neurologist and doctors and doctors in the hospital all suspect early onset dementia. He doctor told her the other day she could not drive because she has dementia....it's been going on for months with her calling him and asking him during her visits why she can't drive.

My mom is on Aricept and Lexapro anti depressant--- along with blood pressure meds & potassium (she is a stroke risk and has very high blood pressure controlled by meds and we try to with diet but its HARD). She is also taking folic acid iron, b12 shots every few months and vitamin D. They discovered she had several TMI/TMA stroks but can't tell when they occurred during her hospital stay Oct/Nov. The last time she has a MRI EKG and CAT scan was in 2010

She is fighting hard to keep her independence but she is so head strong and wants to drive!

She started Aricept in January and the neurologist said shed said wait on the the Namenda after 6 months to see how the Aricept is working.

I don't argue. I do't try to debate with her. I just keep to myself and limit conversations with her. I have to maintain my sanity, mental and emotional health AND physical health.

New2dementia~By early onset, do you mean early stages? Early onset is when a person is younger than 65 and develops dementia. Did your mom have TIA...mini stroke? I ask because it sounds like your mother is still mentally competent which would explain her continuing to fight for her license after many months. My mother forgets right after you tell her something.

Jeannegibbs gave the best advice. I felt your story was similar to mine. Its a battle and my mom is staunchly defending her independence (90, dementia). She has called the police several times on various matters (4x in one month recently) and they would call me (i live long distance) and I would do same as you, talk to them about her dementia, give them her drs diagnosis, contact info, etc; even the community services board (who has a record on her) and the police comment same thing and don't need to take into account any background info. They compartmentalize the situation. My mom refused all help, then was ordered to have in-home care which we put in place and she fought tooth n nail for weeks, then locked them out and called police on them. The police asked if I hired them or my mother; I said I had as part of a care plan agreement; they asked my mother if she wanted them, she said no and wanted them out of her house. Police sent the CNAs home and that was that. My mom has refused any additional services or care.

You said license is expired. Write the DMV and explain her condition, and provide dr contact info; tell them you do not want them to renew her license. There is a form on the DMV website that you can download and fill out. They won't reveal a relative so she won't know it is you. Tell her she can't drive on expired license, then take her and let DMV tell her they can't renew the license without her doctor's signature. That should stop this.
Sell the car so she doesn't have to look at and be reminded its one more loss of independence.

You will have to come to grips with her wanting you to move out. Tell her you are looking for a place, and cut back on some of the things you do for her unless she asks for your help. You may have to move out if that is her decision. Yes, elders make bad choices -- my mom is one and I've finally "cried uncle" and am leaving her alone. I call her 1x per wk and have mourned the loss of "my mom" or wishing her to thank me, be grateful for all I've done or apologize. Its been a long road; but I have decided to respect her wishes to live as she pleases. I still worry about her falling, starving or getting food poisoning, but I can't control and legally don't have the rights and I refuse guardianship battle. I'm waiting for the next event where she ends up in the hospital and case manager or social worker makes her move into a care facility.

Good luck to you. Don't fight with your brother, work together on a united front to protect your mother and others (with the driving danger). In the end, you need each other.