My Mom has been living with me for two years, I mentioned she has dementia not the good kind. What can I do for her foul language?

ferris1, not a huge fan of being painted as someone who doesn't understand the horrors of dementia because I mentioned an interesting phenomenon called "pleasant dementia". (Which I did not personally coin the name of, just to be clear.)

I obviously misspoke at the point when I said the answer to your question ("is there a good dementia?") was yes.

I would consider losing negative attributes - a mean and bitter disposition, a foul mouth, any habit or attitude that prohibits positive interaction with fellow human beings - a good thing, but not necessarily at the expense of also losing all sense of reason and cognitive functioning. (A religious conversion, for example, would be a much better way.) :)

As the primary caregiver (24/7, in fact) for someone with the disease, I am here on this site for the same reason as you and everyone else. My mom is the one afflicted in our family, and I am (to use another poster's term) her "whipping post" on a regular basis, while other visiting family members get no part of that treatment. None of which is really relevant...

Shame on me for poor wording, and apologies to anyone else who might have shared your face value interpretation.

And I suspect that you are also rethinking your wording of the off-the-wall ebola-is-a-better-disease-to-have comment. Let's don't even go there.

My dad had some aspects of "pleasant dementia" - yes it was awful, he needed to be in care, but he made happy stories about his life - kinding of mixing things that did happen with things he wished happened - I learned that he had dearly wanted to be in the Navy but couldn't, for example, and to have had a closer relationbship with his younger brother George so invented tales of being in the Navy together and eating out downtown and saying funny things to each other. And he decided he must be living in some kind of nice retreat house or spiritual place until Mom and I could come live there with him too as he gradually adjusted to the reality that he would not be able to go home. his doctor did not think he had a great quality of life and wanted to limit care more than I did - but at one point I actually sent him a picture of Dad just relaxing in a comfy chair and reading his Bible - I brought him loads of books and he even read some to me. It was sad, but far sweeter than the times we had with my Mom :-0

Thanks for sharing that, vstefans. I'm sorry for the sad part of it, but I can appreciate that there was also a sweet side.

How wonderful that you were able to analyze behaviors and stories enough to discover some of the underlying unmet desires of his life. That was very perceptive of you, and your understanding allowed you to make that time with him far more meaningful for both of you than it might otherwise have seemed. Sounds like you realize that.

Always good to find and focus on the silver linings. Again, thanks for sharing yours. It's very interesting, even thought-provoking. And it encourages deeper listening... who knows what any of us might discover? Blessings to you.

Ferris, nobody is saying that getting dementia is a good thing, just that for a fortunate few (and especially fortunate for their caregivers) it is not a descent into negativity, fear, blame, anger and/or bullying that is too often the case.

My friend's mother with dementia certainly had a more pleasant end-of-life experience than anyone suffering from terminal cancer. She didn't have physical degeneration, apart from the aging norm, but caught pneumonia and was hospitalized for two or three days before passing. Not a fun way to ring down the curtain, but at least it was brief and they kept her as comfortable as possible.

My father, on the other hand, suffered physical decline from a failing heart and spinal deterioration pain for eight years before his worn-out body gave up the ghost at 89. He was a very intelligent but modest person and had all his marbles to the end. He had a very rough eight years and it broke my heart to see this active retired sea captain and avid fisherman in decline, not even able to take a boat out to cast a line anymore. Whenever we could visit we made sure to take Dad out fishing or just tootling about in the boat, but it isn't the same when something you were capable of doing your entire life has now become impossible.

Failing mind, failing body, either way or both ways at once, aging's a b*tch, ain't it? As the saying goes, "Getting old isn't for sissies!"

My prayers go out to you. I am currently dealing with two parents who live with me and both of them have dementia. Growing up, my mother was so wonderful. When I use the word wonderful I am being modest. She did everything for me, I was a princess. As I had children of my own she continued to treat them as royalty. She would make what ever they wanted to eat even if that meant her making three different things. She did it with such love.

She has evolved into such an awful person that I am greatly saddened. She is very demanding, yells at the top of her lungs and swears like a drunken sailor. My dad has his moments but not as bad as her. I know that I don't have to care for them but I do because of how I was treated with such love and care throughout the years and this is the choice I have made. Don't get me wrong, there are times I want to throw in the towel and run as far away as I can.

Good luck. I have no answers in how to "fix" her foul language but my love and prayers go out to you! People always remind me to love them with all my heart, especially when I feel at wits end because once they are no longer here, they will be missed.

I thank you for your support !
I made a decision long time ago to live without regrets .
Best you and your parents.

Azoola, I can't help but wonder if the tendency for women (mostly) to become cantankerous in their later years is blowback from a lifetime of putting others ahead of themselves. Of course this is not true in all cases, as there are some mothers who have been neglectful, abusive or self-centered all their lives, but in the case of both my mother and (deceased) mother-in-law it seems to me that they are/were letting their frustrations out.

While my MIL was not diagnosed with dementia and did not appear to be suffering from anything more than senior momentitis, she could be so demeaning and belittling to certain family members in her last years. I wondered where this was coming from, as she had always been courteous and soft-spoken. My FIL, though kindhearted and generous, was a large (6'8") domineering man and very overbearing in that privileged white male manner. People just didn't contest his actions and decisions, my husband included. There were occasions when I could see the frustration in my MIL, but she just sighed and held her peace.

In my mother's case, she was the dominant partner (in that small Hispanic female manner, LOL), but even she repressed any ambition to be anything but a devoted wife and mother. The Empty Nest was a difficult transition for both Mom and Mom-in-law, while their men didn't appear to be affected.

Just my random, non-professional take on things...

My mother was so abusive to staff that the physician finally started her on some psych meds, even though she was 88+ and has dementia. She improved somewhat, the rage is under control most of the time. She still has her nasty streaks but they are less often now. I don't know if this would work for you, but it might. Plus, consider letting someones else take care of her and then just visit her at her facility. Depends on family funds and culture I guess.