My Mom has been living with me for two years, I mentioned she has dementia not the good kind. What can I do for her foul language?

Understand I am completely sympathetic, as I have seen this sort of behavior in those with dementia before. The question I have - why do so many children feel the need to care for their parent, in this condition, at home? When my mother got to the place where she could no longer live alone ( even with our help) she went to an assisted living facility. Later, after falling and breaking bones,etc., she was moved to skilled nursing. I visited her frequently, took her to lunch and even had lunch with her at the facility and joined her for their parties. My husband and I had just retired and wanted to travel some. I am very glad we did that, for NOW my husband has dementia and we're unable to do much at all and I AM confined. Providing proper care for a parent does not necessarily mean "neglect" as many seem to believe. Just my thoughts, of course.

My mother is 90 and does not have a filter anymore. There is a big difference between foul language and attacking me. My mother grew up with very strict parents so when she talks foul it actually makes me laugh. I can not repeat on here what she said at her 90th birthday party but I can say that people were laughing so hard they were falling on the floor laughing and I did not feel a bit embarrassed because tears of laughter were coming out of my eyes.. I don't think she knows how funny she is with her foul language. I guess it is funny coming from someone that did not even say the word 'darn'. My mother also has a mean mouth and I can't tolerate that and I will say to her 'mom we only have a short time together do you really want to spend that little bit of time harming me? and she usually thinks about it and says no. It has taken many years and years of therapy for me to be able to handle her abuse but for some reason I have said the right things and it is working. I wish I did not have to remind her at each and every visit to be nice but I do and that part is working too. Lord give us all strength.

For what it is worth, the fact that she has always been verbally abusive and used foul language, makes me think that she might very well not change in any positive direction. I believeI would make certain that her real NEEDS are met, and then protect yourself. Mothers can damage their children in ways that no one else can simply by what and how they verbally communicate. I would definitely discuss this with her doctor to see if there is something that can help her behave in a less abusive manner. This could be very helpful for her well being.

My mother's dementia left her with no filter. She was horrible to the staff at her NH sometimes. I addressed it with humor (I would giggle and whisper that she should not say such things out loud). Then I would quickly redirect. Easier said than done I know, but humor is the key!

It is so very difficult to be the caregiver to a loved one who not only does not appreciate your giving but actually demeans you for it. I understand as I have dealt with it with my husband, much of it is the dementia, their frustration with being dependent on you and a lot of it is just their sour personality. Since demeaning you has always been her "way" - don't expect it to get better, dementia makes everything worse. In dealing with my husband when he gets nasty, I leave - I ask him if there is anything he needs (changing, food, tv on etc.) and once I have him taken care of, I calmly tell him his cussing and being nasty to me is uncalled for and hurtful to me so I need a break and I go outside or to another room or run an errand - making sure to leave for 10 minutes or more. This is not the reaction he wants and most of the time after my break he is fine, sometimes it takes a couple of breaks to get it across to him that I am not going to listen or react to the nastiness and it does stop - till the next time.

You cannot change her, ignore her. Wear headphones, listen to podcasts or music.

You ignore tantrums. Deprive her of an audience.

My mother is 81 and has always said hurtful things to me. When I was young it seriously damaged my confidence and it was a way to control me. Now I am 55 and she says extremely hurtful things like I only bring trouble into the family. She said "you think you are so perfect but you aren't" When I asked her to try to understand that I am going through a difficult time in my life, she just said I don't care! I know a lot of this is due to dementia but I won't take this abuse.

That sounds lovely, dejavuagain! (Like a fantasy to most of us.)

The really interesting thing about the woman in the article was that prior to getting dementia she was apparently a very wretched person, so in her case the change was the reverse of what some experience. (While many elders just seem to lose filters and their unpleasantness becomes exaggerated and takes over, I believe there are even folks who were never anything but kind, sweet, and gentle who become nasty and abusive.)

Sadly, nasty seems to be the norm - or at least prevalent. Makes me think about how wretched I will be if I live that long. (Big IF! Might not have to worry about it if this gig kills me...)

She may be afraid of her loss of control over her life and faculties. People lash out when they are afraid, its part of that fight or flight response. Since she cannot run from her condition, she may have chosen to fight. People are quick to say that is just how it is and the adult child caregiver gets the brunt of the aggression and is widely accepted. This doesn't make it hurt any less and I wish people could have a little more compassion toward our plight but chances are they will not. I have been my mother's whipping post for 16 years, even before the diagnosis of Dementia.
If your mother was kind and loving before but not now then you could blame the disease and understand it is not her. Unfortunately you have said your mother was cold your entire life. I pray she will in the end become the mother you have always wanted but never had. I understand they often do for whatever reason. My mother has been sweet to me for the last two months and I suspect we are getting close to her end. Only God knows, I certainly don't understand it but gave up trying to long ago. I wish you peace and reconciliation with her.