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at times she feels lucid, Another uses foul language and insults towards me .
Most of the time I ignore her. At times I want to dissapear. Anyhow I try to take short breaks during the week: yoga, meditation , market , other errands.
Each time I go out and caregiver comes over to watch my mom , she throws a tantrum and gets bitter again. This is who she was when I grew up . . Never wanted to see me happy . I am tired of her forever bad attitude and now 90 is getting worse .
What do I do for her foul language?

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My mother was so abusive to staff that the physician finally started her on some psych meds, even though she was 88+ and has dementia. She improved somewhat, the rage is under control most of the time. She still has her nasty streaks but they are less often now. I don't know if this would work for you, but it might. Plus, consider letting someones else take care of her and then just visit her at her facility. Depends on family funds and culture I guess.
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Azoola, I can't help but wonder if the tendency for women (mostly) to become cantankerous in their later years is blowback from a lifetime of putting others ahead of themselves. Of course this is not true in all cases, as there are some mothers who have been neglectful, abusive or self-centered all their lives, but in the case of both my mother and (deceased) mother-in-law it seems to me that they are/were letting their frustrations out.

While my MIL was not diagnosed with dementia and did not appear to be suffering from anything more than senior momentitis, she could be so demeaning and belittling to certain family members in her last years. I wondered where this was coming from, as she had always been courteous and soft-spoken. My FIL, though kindhearted and generous, was a large (6'8") domineering man and very overbearing in that privileged white male manner. People just didn't contest his actions and decisions, my husband included. There were occasions when I could see the frustration in my MIL, but she just sighed and held her peace.

In my mother's case, she was the dominant partner (in that small Hispanic female manner, LOL), but even she repressed any ambition to be anything but a devoted wife and mother. The Empty Nest was a difficult transition for both Mom and Mom-in-law, while their men didn't appear to be affected.

Just my random, non-professional take on things...
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I thank you for your support !
I made a decision long time ago to live without regrets .
Best you and your parents.
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My prayers go out to you. I am currently dealing with two parents who live with me and both of them have dementia. Growing up, my mother was so wonderful. When I use the word wonderful I am being modest. She did everything for me, I was a princess. As I had children of my own she continued to treat them as royalty. She would make what ever they wanted to eat even if that meant her making three different things. She did it with such love.

She has evolved into such an awful person that I am greatly saddened. She is very demanding, yells at the top of her lungs and swears like a drunken sailor. My dad has his moments but not as bad as her. I know that I don't have to care for them but I do because of how I was treated with such love and care throughout the years and this is the choice I have made. Don't get me wrong, there are times I want to throw in the towel and run as far away as I can.

Good luck. I have no answers in how to "fix" her foul language but my love and prayers go out to you! People always remind me to love them with all my heart, especially when I feel at wits end because once they are no longer here, they will be missed.
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Ferris, nobody is saying that getting dementia is a good thing, just that for a fortunate few (and especially fortunate for their caregivers) it is not a descent into negativity, fear, blame, anger and/or bullying that is too often the case.

My friend's mother with dementia certainly had a more pleasant end-of-life experience than anyone suffering from terminal cancer. She didn't have physical degeneration, apart from the aging norm, but caught pneumonia and was hospitalized for two or three days before passing. Not a fun way to ring down the curtain, but at least it was brief and they kept her as comfortable as possible.

My father, on the other hand, suffered physical decline from a failing heart and spinal deterioration pain for eight years before his worn-out body gave up the ghost at 89. He was a very intelligent but modest person and had all his marbles to the end. He had a very rough eight years and it broke my heart to see this active retired sea captain and avid fisherman in decline, not even able to take a boat out to cast a line anymore. Whenever we could visit we made sure to take Dad out fishing or just tootling about in the boat, but it isn't the same when something you were capable of doing your entire life has now become impossible.

Failing mind, failing body, either way or both ways at once, aging's a b*tch, ain't it? As the saying goes, "Getting old isn't for sissies!"
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Thanks for sharing that, vstefans. I'm sorry for the sad part of it, but I can appreciate that there was also a sweet side.

How wonderful that you were able to analyze behaviors and stories enough to discover some of the underlying unmet desires of his life. That was very perceptive of you, and your understanding allowed you to make that time with him far more meaningful for both of you than it might otherwise have seemed. Sounds like you realize that.

Always good to find and focus on the silver linings. Again, thanks for sharing yours. It's very interesting, even thought-provoking. And it encourages deeper listening... who knows what any of us might discover? Blessings to you.
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My dad had some aspects of "pleasant dementia" - yes it was awful, he needed to be in care, but he made happy stories about his life - kinding of mixing things that did happen with things he wished happened - I learned that he had dearly wanted to be in the Navy but couldn't, for example, and to have had a closer relationbship with his younger brother George so invented tales of being in the Navy together and eating out downtown and saying funny things to each other. And he decided he must be living in some kind of nice retreat house or spiritual place until Mom and I could come live there with him too as he gradually adjusted to the reality that he would not be able to go home. his doctor did not think he had a great quality of life and wanted to limit care more than I did - but at one point I actually sent him a picture of Dad just relaxing in a comfy chair and reading his Bible - I brought him loads of books and he even read some to me. It was sad, but far sweeter than the times we had with my Mom :-0
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ferris1, not a huge fan of being painted as someone who doesn't understand the horrors of dementia because I mentioned an interesting phenomenon called "pleasant dementia". (Which I did not personally coin the name of, just to be clear.)

I obviously misspoke at the point when I said the answer to your question ("is there a good dementia?") was yes.

I would consider losing negative attributes - a mean and bitter disposition, a foul mouth, any habit or attitude that prohibits positive interaction with fellow human beings - a good thing, but not necessarily at the expense of also losing all sense of reason and cognitive functioning. (A religious conversion, for example, would be a much better way.) :)

As the primary caregiver (24/7, in fact) for someone with the disease, I am here on this site for the same reason as you and everyone else. My mom is the one afflicted in our family, and I am (to use another poster's term) her "whipping post" on a regular basis, while other visiting family members get no part of that treatment. None of which is really relevant...

Shame on me for poor wording, and apologies to anyone else who might have shared your face value interpretation.

And I suspect that you are also rethinking your wording of the off-the-wall ebola-is-a-better-disease-to-have comment. Let's don't even go there.
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"What can I do about...." Make sure you're not trying to change her, which is pointless! Change the story you tell yourself about what is happening. A crazy person on the street doesn't bother you, right? Because you don't take it in. Same deal here.
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EBOLA, my goodness, that's one heck of a trade off! For me I am following a group that is pushing the Right to Die issue in my state. Before you get to that really crummy part of any disease you pick your date & take a pill! Now I know Ferris will have a comeback for that, and it is that Alzheimers patients cannot (at present) put in for this pleasant sleep method because you have to be of sound mind to request it. Oregon, Vermont & Washington are now working on adding a special option for those with Alzheimer's. DeathwithDignity.org
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Mary4th, I still do not agree there is any dementia that could be considered good, pleasant or anything but the most horrible disease on this planet including ebola. With that virus one dies quickly.
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She may be afraid of her loss of control over her life and faculties. People lash out when they are afraid, its part of that fight or flight response. Since she cannot run from her condition, she may have chosen to fight. People are quick to say that is just how it is and the adult child caregiver gets the brunt of the aggression and is widely accepted. This doesn't make it hurt any less and I wish people could have a little more compassion toward our plight but chances are they will not. I have been my mother's whipping post for 16 years, even before the diagnosis of Dementia.
If your mother was kind and loving before but not now then you could blame the disease and understand it is not her. Unfortunately you have said your mother was cold your entire life. I pray she will in the end become the mother you have always wanted but never had. I understand they often do for whatever reason. My mother has been sweet to me for the last two months and I suspect we are getting close to her end. Only God knows, I certainly don't understand it but gave up trying to long ago. I wish you peace and reconciliation with her.
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That sounds lovely, dejavuagain! (Like a fantasy to most of us.)

The really interesting thing about the woman in the article was that prior to getting dementia she was apparently a very wretched person, so in her case the change was the reverse of what some experience. (While many elders just seem to lose filters and their unpleasantness becomes exaggerated and takes over, I believe there are even folks who were never anything but kind, sweet, and gentle who become nasty and abusive.)

Sadly, nasty seems to be the norm - or at least prevalent. Makes me think about how wretched I will be if I live that long. (Big IF! Might not have to worry about it if this gig kills me...)
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Mary, the mother of a friend of mine must have had what you call "pleasant dementia." She smiled a lot and was nice to everyone, even when she didn't have a clue about what was going on around her. As she gradually lost cognizance of all family and friends, she would just greet everyone politely as if they were complete strangers (which they were to her!) but never surly, contrary or abusive.
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Is there any way to protect ourselves from becoming like that in the future?
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ferris1, to answer your question ("is there any good dementia?")... yes.

Look up the phenomenon know as "pleasant dementia". (I first read an article about it in Newsweek, in 2008.) Relatively uncommon, unfortunately. Very interesting.
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The frontal lobe is not affected in all cases of dementia. My husband's hippocampus is affected, not his frontal lobe. Each patient's brain damage is unique to that individual and one cannot generalize affected parts of the brain.
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Marley how long was your husband in the hospital as if it was any more then a couple of days the hospital stops all the meds they were on & it's not pretty to see the deteriorating condition of ones husband. Mine still has bad episodes during sleep due to this happening to him. He is on low dose anti phycoticS to help up through the day, seroquel & lexapro. At night seroquel & 100 mg Trazadpne. He sleeps 10-12 hrs. Photo I am so glad to see you posting I was worried. Do you have your husband back at home! And Sild, follow the advice already given make sure all is ok then walk out of the room, it works for me with my husband also.
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From what you say, your mother has always been abusive. I agree that for some people, simply being 'foul mouthed' can be sort of funny. Not the same as abusive always. As daughterof4 says. My own mother has always been abusive verbally and emotionally to me. My dysfunctional siblings and dad make a lot of excuses for her at times (they live nearby and I moved away a long time ago because I was the object of her abuse all my life) but what she does is not markedly different than it ever was. I purposely do not put myself into the role of being ever her primary caregiver, but if I had to be, I would set consequences with her just as I did when my petulant teenagers were growing up. There is no reason to put oneself in the line of fire. You can care for you parent but not serve yourself up. Particularly when they are nasty; there aren't a lot of takers for that treatment who aren't related to them.
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The frontal lobe of the brain deteriorates with dementia/Alzheimers. The frontal lobe is what monitors/filters/controls one's impulsive "behaviors", including language. If that filter is gone or diminished, things will fly out of peoples' mouths that can be vulgar, rude, etc. Some may or may not have been vulgar and rude in the past when they COULD have controlled it. Now....the ability to control it is minimal or gone. I think daughter0f4 has some good thoughts about handling this.
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Teepa says that when Mom got agitated that was because she was uncomfortable and couldnt express what was hurting.So I just went down the line (just as I would a new baby) wet? hungry? tired? cold?something poking her? constipated? you get the picture. anyway with Mom it was the cold bathroom seat on her bad hip. + solution was a warm towel on her lap and she quit cussing and swinging at me! whoo hoo!
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Please watch this lady on you tube. She helped me so much with my mom! Her name is Teepa Snow.
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Campy, I am going thru living hell right now with my 72 year old husband with Lewy Body dementia. So many horror stories I could tell you but that would take all day. I can not imagine going through it twice with a parent and a husband. Life is so not fair. We were supposed to be using our retirement money, that we worked so hard for all of our lives, on traveling and enjoying life...now we are spending it all on health care. My heart goes out to you and all of you going through the same h*ll.
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I'm sorry she treated you so badly when you were a child. However, having dementia doesn't change who you WERE, and you will have to put up with the foul language until she no longer is able to speak. You are doing great coping skills, so just hang in there like the rest of us. Is there any kind of good dementia?
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I understand all of you. My Mom has been with me a few yrs. & in the past 6 mths it seems she has episodes of confusion & being hateful, having small fits. She isn't very old, 60 which I'm thinking it could be from her illnesses too. When she was younger her persona was tough & rough-having grand kids made her soft. I see the bad part of her personality come out when she has episodes though. She said she had 2 daughters & 1 of us was taking care of her. She's went as far as saying if she doesn't get her way she will just p*$$ right in the floor(bad word for urinate). I have my plate full at times. I just make sure she has what she needs & ignore her till she goes back to normal.
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Did you answer your own question when you described her "forever bad attitude"? However, you might want to have her evaluated for medications which perhaps she's needed for a long time. Keep trying until you find one that fits and makes life worth living for both of you. Blessings for a positive outcome.
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what type of medication do you use for extreme agiation, combative behavior and cursing. never in a million years would my husband ever have done this. been battling dementia since 2006 and until he was in hospital last month never had those issues
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It is so very difficult to be the caregiver to a loved one who not only does not appreciate your giving but actually demeans you for it. I understand as I have dealt with it with my husband, much of it is the dementia, their frustration with being dependent on you and a lot of it is just their sour personality. Since demeaning you has always been her "way" - don't expect it to get better, dementia makes everything worse. In dealing with my husband when he gets nasty, I leave - I ask him if there is anything he needs (changing, food, tv on etc.) and once I have him taken care of, I calmly tell him his cussing and being nasty to me is uncalled for and hurtful to me so I need a break and I go outside or to another room or run an errand - making sure to leave for 10 minutes or more. This is not the reaction he wants and most of the time after my break he is fine, sometimes it takes a couple of breaks to get it across to him that I am not going to listen or react to the nastiness and it does stop - till the next time.
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My mother is 90 and does not have a filter anymore. There is a big difference between foul language and attacking me. My mother grew up with very strict parents so when she talks foul it actually makes me laugh. I can not repeat on here what she said at her 90th birthday party but I can say that people were laughing so hard they were falling on the floor laughing and I did not feel a bit embarrassed because tears of laughter were coming out of my eyes.. I don't think she knows how funny she is with her foul language. I guess it is funny coming from someone that did not even say the word 'darn'. My mother also has a mean mouth and I can't tolerate that and I will say to her 'mom we only have a short time together do you really want to spend that little bit of time harming me? and she usually thinks about it and says no. It has taken many years and years of therapy for me to be able to handle her abuse but for some reason I have said the right things and it is working. I wish I did not have to remind her at each and every visit to be nice but I do and that part is working too. Lord give us all strength.
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Understand I am completely sympathetic, as I have seen this sort of behavior in those with dementia before. The question I have - why do so many children feel the need to care for their parent, in this condition, at home? When my mother got to the place where she could no longer live alone ( even with our help) she went to an assisted living facility. Later, after falling and breaking bones,etc., she was moved to skilled nursing. I visited her frequently, took her to lunch and even had lunch with her at the facility and joined her for their parties. My husband and I had just retired and wanted to travel some. I am very glad we did that, for NOW my husband has dementia and we're unable to do much at all and I AM confined. Providing proper care for a parent does not necessarily mean "neglect" as many seem to believe. Just my thoughts, of course.
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