Mom has dementia and bowel incontinence. She can't remove her dirty Depends without making a mess. How do I get her to receive my help?

Ya know, DiaperExpert39, I don't see ECrabtreeW looking for motivation for changing Mother. What he/she asked for is help with the HOW, not the WHY. Very very few of the caretakers on this site need lectures about why we should care for our loved one.

Changing/cleaning up an adult is not remotely like changing a baby. No way. I've done them both. Many of us have. And even if we raised seven kids and could diaper them in no time flat, we still might need some pointers on how to do it with a 150 pound adult who is not cooperative.

Don't assume that everyone who asks for help in solving a practical problem needs a motivational lecture.

(LoL ... can you tell this is a hot button for me?)

Bowel incontinence is one of the top three reasons for placement in a facility. For some individuals with dementia the brain signal that sends the info that it's time to go to the bathroom is no longer received- ergo, bowel accidents. Most people go on schedule so keeping a log of the time a day they go is a good start- that way you may be able to "anticipate" and help/direct them to the toilet. Foods and medication can cause a person to go more so keeping a food diary might be helpful. As for changing diapers between my mom and dad I had PTDD (post traumatic diaper disorder). Having dad lie on his side (back side facing me) was the most modest and easiest way to change and clean him up. Depends pull up were the hardest to get off mom so instead of trying to pull them down I'd cut one side with a pair of scissors- made taking them off so much easier and a lot less fuss. Cleaning up with baby wipes and a spray bottle with warm water worked well for me. Always wear gloves. Mom had Picks so everything was a battle. I found that having a radio in the bathroom and speaking softly worked miracles. Instead of scolding or embarrassing her I'd say,"Mom, it's time for a changing- let me help you". Also either get one of those toilet flow stoppers installed or shut the water off to the toilet. It cost a lot to unplug a stuffed toilet and a toilet that overflows can do thousands of dollars in water damage. Hope this helps.

My mom did the same. She insisted she was okay, but when she almost flushed the depends down the toilet. I finally just stepped in with out asking....I put my rubber gloves on and said "I am here to help you!" From then out even though she resented me in there with her she caved. After a while she would push her walker over to me and tell me to sit down. We would sit there while she did her job and smile at each other. Sometimes the first couple of times are awkward but they eventually get use to it. But make sure someone else can help you out once in a while. Mom only felt comfortable with me and I was expected to be there every time. Let me just say its no fun getting a call when your at the grocery store because she needs you to come back home to wipe her. :(

Ok, think of it as role reversal...Don't any of you remember when your mother took care of YOU??? She changed YOUR diapers, cleaned YOU up, bathed you, dressed you, fed you...right? without so much as a complaint either...well, from MY OWN person observations in life, ALL of us Adults, seem to go RIGHT up to a peak...then we end up going RIGHT back down....that SAME hill....right back into the child-like behaviors...we thought we were finished with. What goes up..must come down...some...come down further and faster than others....Try and be there for your mother....tell her..."Remember when you did all of this for me? Well, now I am returning the favor...with as much love...and care as you had for me" tell her that....and try to think of things like that...in that way...

Oh...I forgot to add...we all seem to go back to a varying level of childhood-like state..before we go on to the next life or to the next world....if you can't do what your mother did to you when you were a kid, then that seems a little well, selfish and one-sided. It's hard...harder really when we are talking about adults here that we look up to. Fill your hearts with love, admiration and get rid of all that guilt. Set down all of that baggage. Don't carry it around with you...it's just useless clutter in your emotional life. Rather...think of things from a role reversal point of view....Love, compassion, bonding...create some little bonding games...like your mother did when you were a infant and toddler...you can also give your mother a hug and a kiss when you are done...it will let her know that you love her and that you care.

Hi EcrabtreeW,
I agree with jeannegibbs , it sounds like you have the heart for the job just not the know how.

DiaperExpert39(love the avatar BTW) , so-HOW can crabtree do this? You cannot choose that name without backing it up. :0) I really like msdaizy's approach -so sweet!!!!- but whatif Mom is very modest? Or just temperamental? My mom was here all week and needs help with the bathroom but has such a hard time accepting it. I tell her over and over again that I don't mind , that I clean up my 16 year old special needs daughter, that I was an aide for a nursing home, that I love her and she cleaned my butt for years now it is my turn, i use humor, ( that works best with her) but she still feels awful when I have to help her and it breaks my heart. Thank goodness she doesn't try to flush her Depends or take them off herself -yet- but what do I do if we get to that stage? And she sure ain't like my girl who has little modesty and would run around the house buck *ss naked if I let her. I tease my Mom and say she needs to give my daughter some of her modesty and my daughter needs to giver her some of her , er, freeness.

Life is messy. Literally.

msdaizy, in case you've ever wondered the cost of unplugging a Depends stuck in toilet pipes, it is $270 -- or at least it was here, a few years ago. :)

One option might be to purchase a few hard-to-remove garments (like jumpsuits that zip up the back, available from specialty stores for adaptive clothing) that would require the help of a sitter or you, so someone could be with her and help her. That should minimize the mess. After she got used to this routine the special clothing might not be as necessary.

Another option is to have baths as many times as needed per day, if she is OK with help at that time.

Oh gosh, this is Not Fun, is it?

Thanks for the encouragement. I do know how to change adult diapers but only if they are lying down. (I train volunteers to change a 30 year old friend who has been in a semi vegetative state for the past 11 years 0: , which is btw is WAY easier than my dad who was quite combative (YIKES!).... I think if I lay mom down I could do it, but she's not ready to lay down and be changed. She needs me to get her soiled pullups off, and wipe her. Its not going so well b/c she wont let me tear or cut them, but I hope to get the hang of it. It does give you a new brighter perspective on changing infants, doesnt it! you guys are great. (:

How long has she had this? And is the doctor aware? My mother would not go to a doctor about her bowels, but once she was in the hospital they treated her and aren't cleaning up (many) messes. Mother refused our advice of Amodium and fiber. But, in the hospital, she didn't have a choice.

Wordy2shoes. Your dad has dementia with the brain is slowly dying. It might not be that he just cannot stand up straight. With my mom when I cleaned her off from the commode she would lean. So much that if I didn't have a good hold on her. She would slowly lean into the ground. What kind of Dementia does your dad have? Do you have anything that he can hold onto when you clean him? They will be frighted of falling and rightly so. Because falling down is a big symptom of the dementia also. When he stands does he grasp on to something with a death grip? It's such a frustrating disease and I implore you to find out as much as you can about it. It will help you in the long run on how to cope with the care. Good luck and God Bless.