My mother has recently gone into Respite and due to her hostility towards me now, she may be placed permanently. A couple of months ago I went through 'Burnout' and couldn't cope anymore. I have been caring for Mum for almost 30 yrs but the past several have been intense.
She now hates me and sees me as a Monster. She has never had much love to give, anyway. I am an only child and felt compelled to make sure she was cared for.
A Public Guardian has been appointed for her welfare now and I am sick to think they are going to believe her lies which can have serious consequences for me.
I need my mind set at ease.
I am in Australia so I hope that is OK to be here in this Forum.

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Kerri, I sent you a long private message. Have a look on your Profile page, if you haven't found it. Margaret (in Oz)
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Kerri, I think you need to make a real contact with the Guardian about the Plan which is supposed to cover your mother's Plan for her well being, accommodation and welfare. Making a plan is almost certainly a requirement that the Guardian has to do, and it probably starts with an assumption of independent living if possible. It doesn't mean that the Guardian has any firm ideas about what the plan has to be. It doesn't even mean that the Guardian already knows that she is 'legally blind'. It is in the best interests of you and your mother too, if you get in touch with the Guardian and provide as much information as you can, plus your own views on what is in mother's best interests. It's fine to say that you have always found her difficult, and that now you don't get on at all well. Fine to say that you have heard her say on the telephone many things that are not correct. Just try to put the information as a fact, not as part of a fight with your mother (or with the Guardian either). The Guardian will have an obligation to form an independent judgement. Your mother will put her story, and it is important that you put yours too. Remember to stress that you have cared for her for a very long time, and that in spite of problems you are still concerned for her welfare. Don't be afraid - these things really do happen all the time, and it really doesn't sound as if you are at risk or anything more than embarrassment and a bit of anger.
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Kerri1770 Sep 2019
Margaret, I thank you so much for your advice and support. It means a lot to me as I walk this journey so vulnerable and annoyed.
The Guardians already know about her disabilities of which creates me to question how they could even consider the idea of rehoming my Mother into independent living. She does have the funds to buy another house but this is besides the point. She is 91 and cannot do much for herself at all. I doubt there are many 91 yr olds that can.
They (Guardians) have also received information from assessments done on my Mother which is borderline. Most of which does express how she 'wonders off subject' when talking - her short term memory is of concern - Her decision making is complex and all over the place, etc! and I would say, having a Public Guadian appointed would be because of this and obvious incompetence. The amin proof of incompetence would have to be her attitude changes towards me. It has been uncomfortable being the same room as her for a very long time and overhearing the phone calls validated those feelings. I often wonder where I would be IF I never heard these abhorrent discussions? I know it was the tipping point for me.

Currently I am still waiting for the decisions. In Australia there really isn't any discrimination when being placed into Care regarding financial abilites, however, if you do have the ability to pay a BOND, it does help.
My Mother can afford this. She can also afford to buy another house.
For now I just hope the Public Guardians use their judgments in a professional way, look at the big picture with age and disabilities and make the right decisions. My Mother really is a very good liar and home care can be approved as well. This home care only provided a few hours per day excluding weekends so what could happen during the hours these people aren't there has to be taken into account as well. I have seen my Mother do many things that caused her to endanger herself. It was just lucky I was there.

Hopefully I will know more this week. To say I have been going out of my mind would be an understatement. This has been going on for months.

My fingers are permanently crossed.
I'm not sure I placed my message in the right place.. Please find it somewhere down there.
This is new to me.

Thank you
Helpful Answer (0)

Thank you for reaching out and doing what you are very amazing at. Helping those in need of answers and validating our roles as we get blindsided with this terrible disease.
Please allow me to answer a few of your questions to clear things up with me.

I live in Australia and when I opened an acount here in this forum my postcode (zip code) didn't work as our numbers are only 4 digits. I had to add another to qualify so no, I don't live in Arizona. I live in a small country Town in NSW and on a 3 acre property where we enjoy our Hobby Farm and getting away from the so called rat-race of the cities and over population. It has become a rather scary world out there so we find refuge in our surroundings. We have lived here now for just over 2 years.
I am 62 years old, an only child and have a wonderful partner of 20 years walking beside me and is my hero.

I have not lived full time with my Mother prior to moving here, however, have only ever been a stones throw away and on call 24/7 since she was declared legally blind 30 years ago.
Progressively my Mother lost most of her hearing over these years and now, her cognition although, as you would know, being lucid can be random also..
It has been my roll to do almost everything for her for many years. Very little support from family. Almost non existant.

Scoot through to 2 years ago or this is going to become a short novel, it was suggested she be placed into full time care and we stepped up and suggested Mum sell her house, as it was too small, and buy a larger property where we could keep her in her own home and care for her. She was not coerced although she now swears she was. He hostility has grown to the point where I could no longer remain her carer as it was destroying my health and I subsequently went into meltdown. Guilt ridden and felt like a failure.
I applied for Guardianship as she refused a Power Of Attorney and I had no say into her living or health decisions. As expected, Mum was pationate that I DO NOT become her Guardian and I am a horrible liar and can't be trusted. The Public system stepped in and Thank God!

Since my original post, The Guardians have been in touch to get a Plan in order for my Mothers well being, accommodation and welfare. It was suggested that Mum could still live independently which shocked me! With all of her disabilities, how could they even consider this? As I write this, I am still in limbo and terribly worried as I feel they don't know her well enough to actually see through all of her lies and manipulation.

Yes, her lies do lay in the face of Dementia however, after research and needing other answers to many issues with my relationship with her I have finally gained some peace, and as strange as this may sound, she hs been Gaslighting me all my life and does show all the indications of being a narcissist. At lease I know now why I have very little memory of my childhood. The dementia has just made it worse.

The lies she has said about me is very diminishing and have overheard her on the phone accusing me of some dreadful things. The listener has empathized and believed her, encouraging her to react and take action against me. I knew I had to take some of my own as in all honesty, I felt she was killing me. Slowly and I had no proof.

I have always had Mums best interest at heart and made a lot of sacrifices however, this really isn't about me, is it? It is about a little old lady that can't do anything for herself, anymore and I can't help her, anymore.

I must stop now as I have taken up enough of your time and hope I have painted the picture for you. I feel so lost and horrible. The transitions are difficult and wishing my life away waiting for some positive outcome.

Thank you for the warm welcome here.
Helpful Answer (1)

Hi Kerri, it would be helpful to know briefly what her lies are about and what consequences for you are so frightening. Yes it's true that people who work with the elderly are usually well aware of criticisms that aren't true and/or aren't justified, but if you are worried for yourself there is probably a reason. Is it just that she has convinced your family or the people in a small country town? That can be very embarrassing, though not dangerous to you. It's a different matter if you are being threatened with legal proceedings for financial abuse. Or if the allegations threaten your job situation in some way.

Are you able to be in contact with the Public Guardian? If you have cared for her for 30 years, you have a genuine concern for her welfare even if at present you are not getting on well. Check my profile and see if I can provide more detailed suggestions to ease your mind.
Helpful Answer (2)

You must be so weary.
She is NOT “telling lies”. She is telling “dementia truth”, the verbalizations of an irreparably damaged brain.
Anyone who has training, experience and/or familiarity with geriatric clients will know this.
You may request that an objective assessment of her mental status be done by a specialist trained in the mental functioning of the elderly.
When you have a written description of where your mother is actually functioning mentally, you will be better able to manage her care.
Your mother doesn’t “hate” you, but you are a wonderful “child” for having dealt with her care this long.
Treat yourself with love, and remind yourself OFTEN that you have done your best for a very long time.
And please keep coming back! You are WELCOME here!
Helpful Answer (8)

I am sure Public Guardians hear and see all sorts of things and the fact that they are dealing with a person that has been diagnosed with dementia I am sure they take many things that are said with a grain of salt.
If you have regular contact and show an interest in her welfare I would think that they would "get it". And it may not be long before the Guardian takes on the "Monster" role. Many with dementia begin to strike out at those they are familiar with and the Guardian will be one of those.
And the important this is YOU know the truth. The fact that your mom has a brain that no longer functions properly should set your mind at ease knowing that what she says or thinks is only in her mind.
Helpful Answer (8)

Are you on vacation in Australia? You live in Virginia according to your profile. Was your mom in respite while you went on a trip?
Your post is a little confusing when I read your profile for information I see that your mom is 90 and has dementia.
It sounds like you will have some help with your mom now. Were you living with your mom in her home in Virginia? I’m sorry if I misunderstood what you wrote.
Helpful Answer (3)
anonymous739426 Sep 2019
I don't think the site offers an Australian address option
Of course it is fine to be on this forum. There may be a lot of laws we in across the pond are not aware of, but that is what it is.
As to guardianship, you have been in care of your Mom for 30 years you say? Have you ever been independent of her, and on your own? If not, this may be seem as problematic. 30 Years is a very long time. You do not mention your age, or your Mom's.
As to the public guardianship, to my mind the answer to that is "good". She will now have her life, under guardianship of the "state" or "commonwealth" or whatever you call it there. And you will go on to make YOUR own life.
This will not be easy. I have no idea your age. I have no idea your schooling or experience in life.
If you have virtually been enslaved to the caring for your Mom all this time, then you will be much like a teenager leaving home. Uncertain, in need of knowing there is support there if you need it.
I hope you will tell us more. It appears, whether you like it or not, you are moving into a new life. Whether they believe Mom or they do not, it is very likely they will take her into guardianship of the State. Look upon that as a mercy. And try now to forge yourself a new life. This may be very difficult. You, yourself may need the help of the "State" to get a start.
Wishing you much luck. Hoping you will keep us updated as you go along.
To be truthful with you, 30 years is enough in servitude. I hope your Mom is now in permanent care, and you will get yourself a life, and make no mistake, I understand that this getting of a life at this point will be horrifically difficult. Please reach out for help.
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They are not going to take her words as gospel unless there is real evidence. Health professionals regularly see elderly lashing out, telling tales on family members (and staff for that matter) and the ones who have cared for them. It sounds like you have had a long road. Take this time out to relax, take care of yourself and de-stress.
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