Dementia accusations and reasoning. Any advice?

The family scapegoat... I too was, and still am, this.

The family scapegoat often holds these characteristics:
the truth teller
Strong-willed
Empathic
Justice-seeking
Internalizes blame
Emotionally reactive
Highly sensitive
 Protective of others
Questions authority
 Care-taking
“Different” in some way
Strong-willed
Empathic
Justice-seeking
Internalizes blame
Emotionally reactive
Highly sensitive
 Protective of others
Questions authority
 Care-taking
“Different” in some way

Maybe she knows she will get more of a "rise" from you, than your sibling???

If so (??), then she is able to place her burdens more effectively on you, than her. This would be more satisfying or effective for her. I know she has dementia, and you can't blame her, BUT it's very saddening, but maybe she still identifies you subconsciously even as being an "effective" scapegoat.

Next week, your mom might turn on the director; there is no clarity or loyalty in dementia. Try to remember the sweet moments and always know that they can disappear without warning. Try to focus on other happy memories whenever dementia's dagger harms you: it's not personal.

There's a saying I really like, it goes something like this, "be grateful for what you had, do not grieve what you have lost."

YEAAAAA! It takes time to overcome these traumas. You can do it!

Wow, thank you everyone for your support! I am very grateful. I did have a very long conversation with the Memory Care director and that helped a lot. She said she would "talk" to Mom, after I conveyed my sadness and frustration. I had dreaded the weekly call I felt obligated to make to Mom. The director must be magic because whatever she said to Mom the next phone call was an hour long of listening to her chitchat, but I didn't mind and we even laughed together!

Mom really likes and respects the director and thus perhaps actually was able to get through to her as I was not. Perhaps this is key as least for now..that a lovely and professional woman is making peace in Mom's mind. I feel a bit guarded tho, like I have some form of PTSD from my experience of living with her and still dread calling. But I will reread all of your stories of your own experience, suggestions and words of support and learn from them. Thank you again so much! You are beautiful people!

Treee7777: The reasoning capacity of an individual with dementia is non existent. I am so sorry that your mother is ill. Many times the adult child is treated poorly by their ill parent because we are the ones who are advocating for them, e.g. making sure they are well cared for with food, medication, etc. Hugs sent.

How about this for an idea? Since you are on the phone with her, is it possible for you to pretend that you are not her daughter, but just some random person calling her on the phone to chat with her? This won't work for your sister who actually visits her, but it might work for you.

Maybe keep the conversation to: what did you eat for xxx, what are you feeling now, what did you do today, etc. Nothing that invokes her to remember anything about her family. When she gets to the part that she was "forced into Memory Care" and the paranoia of her belongings, you could do the repetitious "oh dear, oh my" then ask her if she wants you to hang up and call back later. It is really hard, however, try your best not to be in solution mode. Make sure you get the nurses at the center to go along with the ploy.

Maybe she just needs to talk about get how she is a "victim" so that her mind can move on to a different topic.

I don't know if this idea is ludicrous or will even work. My therapist once told me that bad memories are stronger and more likely to be retained than pleasant ones (great, eh?)

In the meantime, I'm assuming that you or your sister have discussed this behavior with her doctor. Over-drugged, under-drugged or wrong-drugs?

Ugh....my prayers are with all of you.

Dear Treee7777,

I went through this, as well..Mom was in MC, I saw her almost every day. Being her daughte, & main caregiver, she had no qualms letting me know I “institutionalized” her, took her from her home, etc. There were times, I told her I do the best I can, kissed her forehead, told her I love her, and I would come back when she calmed down..I would go to the car, cry, then walk back in..When I walked back in, she be calm again.😮‍💨🙏🏻 With her dementia, I had no luck reasoning with her.

If you hang up from Mom, then call her back in 10-15 minutes, would her ‘mind/brain” reset to a cordial conversation with you?🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe her geriatric Dr can help? Not sure.. A terrible disease. You are not alone in what you’re experiencing. Pls know that. 🙏🏻🤗 to you, Mom & family

Well, hindsight is always a way to gain insight, right? I'm guessing things might be different if all her children took her to MC together, but that's just another way of having to do the the deed.

A family meeting with a Geriatric Psychiatrist might be a "twofer" because you could all express your concerns and the doctor can prescribe medications that might help your mom accept her reality as just the cycle of life. I'm also guessing her obsession with you will calm down as her memory fades and the professionals divert her attention with activities.

This issue isn't personal, but rather a medical disease that is destroying her brain. Perhaps you can take a break from all the drama and practice "no contact" for 6 months or so.

Speaking exclusively from my own experience and observation, of course. I suspect the caregiving child is evil incarnate because, by helping, they remind the aging parent of their reversed roles. Of the parent’s decline in abilities. The conspicuously absent child obviously knows the parent is just fine, doesn’t need to be supervised, assisted, advised or interfered with, which helps the parent’s delusion of independence, hence making them the golden child.

I am so sorry you’re in this position. I can relate somewhat, although I am not getting it as harshly as you are. You’re right, no matter how you explain things she may never change the ideas she has made up in her mind. The best way I have solved the problem is to basically divert her stories, for each one - the stolen toothbrush, the stolen glasses, etc (misplaced stuff she forgot about). Kind of go along with it but turn the storyline so that it doesn’t include me as a bad guy, if that makes sense. I found that doing this for everything has worked out for the best for us. Every delusion she’s had or false concern, I never refute her, that just makes her defensive and argumentative, instead I go along with it (not in a way to make it worse, of course, or scare her or anything) but write the rest of the story for her in a way that makes her ok with whatever it is or tell her a version of the truth that’s also ok. Like, ‘maybe the glasses fell behind the couch or something, because I checked the security cameras - no women broke in last night, so don’t worry, you were safe. I’ll come help you find the glasses’. Or for when she thought my dad or I stole money, I told her dad put it in the bank to keep it safe. I actually found it in a purse she forgot about at our lake house and so I gave it back to her and said I withdrew it for her so she’d have some cash. And she was cool with that story too. So I guess it just depends on your mom, if it was my dad in her place, I’d probably say different things/stories cause their personalities are way different.
So, like you already said, you’re never going to be able to tell her you didn’t do it, or she’s wrong. But maybe you can tell her those things but in a different way. I hope this helps. I’d maybe sit down one night and really think of some different situations that could come up or that have come up and then write down how you’d approach each one, that way you won’t have to think on the fly about it and maybe accidentally say something to make it worse. And just remember to not take it personally, I know, easier said than done! But really, I just let whatever emotions I am feeling out at the end of the day, work through them, and approach the next day fresh. Remember that this is not your mom saying these things and this isn’t what she actually feels. I’ll never forget reading something where a son was talking to his mom and asked her if she knew who he was, she was advanced at this time, and she said “I don’t know, but I know I love you.” So whatever it is that’s coming out now, in her heart she knows who you really are to her and that she loves you.
Best of luck to you, I’m really sorry you and your family are going through this. It’s a cruel disease I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Hello, it is so unfortunate that you’re going through this but, sadly it comes with the territory 😞. I say take the light side of it if you can. Just say I’m sorry you feel this way mom… believe me, sadly you will “not” be able to change her mind. It’s like they turn on you and literally, they do💔.
I experienced it with my mom( lies , innuendo’s, dis trust etc…) She was also combative. Find a way to have tough skin! Just like she’s changed unfortunately so must you.
In my moms mind I sold her house, wrote things with magical pens, was working against her with people she didn’t know etc… It was like a drama series!
This chapter in your life can be almost unbearable but know your limits. You can only endure but so much! And If/ when it becomes unbearable she may have to go into a NH or AL etc… then maybe you can salvage the relationship.
Wishing you the best outcome💕

My experience with my mother who had Alzheimer’s is there is no reasoning..there is only playing along…maybe ask her what you did .. what you can do to make her happy … just see what comes up … don’t take any of it personally … they can get rough … usually a phase of the disease it is sad , but is the new reality. Some get physically abusive … my mother would try to knock people over … some pull hair .. it is just a faulty brain … sad.

During my mother’s (age 97) last few years living with us she picked daily fights, and hurled all sorts of insults and accusations. My personal favourite (sarcasm) was when she’d accuse me of making her get old and demand to know who was paying me, and how much, to gaslight her to make her think her mind was failing. She swore we even had the newspaper in on it as she knew it wasn’t June 4, 2020 as was printed on that day’s paper, but March 21, 2004!

After living with us for over 15 years, she tells everyone she has never set foot in our house.

Now she is in care and is back to being 44 years old so I can’t possibly be her daughter. I’m just some nice old lady who stops by to chat for an hour and reads her mail to her.

At least I now have civil interactions with her. I hope the same for you.

I am so sorry this is happening, but quite honestly you cannot reason with someone with dementia. This is likely to only get worse, and the calling in of the social worker will go one of two ways, make it a tiny bit better or make it a good deal worse with your Mom feeling now paranoid and ganged up upon. I would simply continue to educate yourself on this disorder/disease so that you continue to get more knowledge about the mind works when beset by dementia; you seem already aware and to grasp the fact that certain things are common. They become the new norm for the person involved.
Keep your phone visits short, calling for a check in and to ask about her day; when things "turn" excuse yourself and tell your Mom you will call again in a few days.
Again, I am sorry. The person we knew doesn't exist, and it isn't something that much can be done about. Certainly not "reasoning". That ability is now gone for your Mom.

Dear Treee7777

This happened with my mother also! She accused me of taking money out of her wallet. We would search her usual hiding spots until we found it and then I would make her apologize for accusing me because she forgot where she hid it. But the next night we would go through the same thing all over again! I did this for almost two weeks then I didn’t care anymore that she accused me. One night I told her to check her bra she was wearing for the money and she found it and she asked how did you know it was there? I said cause that’s where you hid it last night and we both laughed. If it’s not the money it the nail clipper or the hair brush it’s always going to be something. When the accusations start try redirecting its great! she will forget you are a thief and you will have a pleasant conversation. It took me a while to get where I am. Don’t take it personally. Learn to laugh about it. The paranoid phase comes in cycles it won’t last long. Unfortunately the ones they are closest to them are the ones this happens to. Remember you can not change her but you can change how you handle it. God Bless

Oh yes. I’ve been there. My mom and I got along great, until Alzheimer’s hit. She’d accuse me (and others) of the most ridiculous things, like accusing my friends of coming over to try on her bathing suits. I told her my friends have their own, but, as other people have said, there was no reasoning with her at this point in the progression of the disease. She’d accuse unnamed people of coming through a second story window, to syphon coffee out of her cup. I told her that I wasn’t that good of a cook; people don’t even necessarily want to eat my cooking, let alone steal it. (Sometimes my coffee was too strong or too weak.) She’d accuse me of going through her purse, where she had all of $5 and a lipstick, (and I put those things there). For my own sanity, I started writing these things down, which eventually got compiled into a book called, “My Mother Has Alzheimer’s and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver’s Tale.” I have a chapter in there entitled “Steel Yourself for Stealing.” I had to force myself to remember that these accusations weren’t really coming form “her,” but rather, her disease. The first time she insulted me, over nothing by the way, my husband mouthed the words, “It’s not really your mother.” That was one of the best things he ever said.

I know first-hand how tough this is and so sorry you are all going through this. You pretty much summed it up in your last sentence, she believes what she believes. You're going to have to remind yourself that this is a terrible brain disease that takes away a person's ability to reason and alters their reality,
I know that brings no comfort at all, but the mom before the illness is the mom that would have never spoken those words to you or your sis. The best you can do Right now is give her love and support and make sure all her needs are being met. Learn to roll with it, deflect, change the subject, take her for a walk, turn on music, tv, read, offer a snack, or perhaps leave for a quick break, whatever it takes and by doing so you avoid escalating things. Relationships evolve during caregiving, and you learn that being there for her, showing her love and comfort, and making sure all her needs are met is the best you can do, and I bet you're doing that!

First of all there is no reasoning with them. Similar scenario with my mom. We were never close and last year after her heart attack she swore I put her in rehab.
She told me she hated me everyday for putting her there!

I only replied " really mom? the hospital decides where you go".

She is in rehab again now post a hospitalization. I wonder if this accusation will come up again.

Caregivers are hired so my time there will be limited.

Save yourself & reduce calls......cut them short too.

I had this issue with my mother. Unlike with you and some others here, we didn't have a close relationship before. I think her true feelings about me came out unfiltered once her reasoning and dementia started really going downhill.

Another difference was that I didn't live with her, nor she with me. I was her "Dummy Daughter Driver," as I nicknamed myself. I knew nothing, was a nasty person, etc. Of course my three out-of-state brothers were different. Amazingly, the one who hardly ever came to see her became her golden child.

I really resented it (more than feeling hurt, I suppose) that *I* was the one who had to drive her around and put out her fires, so to speak. Being disrespected and verbally abused was the icing on the cake. I told my brothers that I would need to be compensated for me to continue doing anything. (When I'd brought this up to my mother, I was told disgustedly that, "You don't pay family.') By the time she had really slipped cognitively during a 17-day hospitalization, my brothers all agreed that I would be compensated (and one of the 2 POA brothers took care of it right away). He even suggested back pay, and I quickly agreed.

When I was being paid ($20/hour), I could think of it as a job, and emotionally it was so much easier on me. I was gifted the money, as my mother would never qualify for Medicaid.

The same Exact thing has happened to me with my dad....we were Extremely close before dementia and now I'm a professional thief and I'm putting him out his home and taking the house....which is very untrue I've lived here with my dad for almost 9 yrs from midstage dementia til now....I have siblings who instead of helping they feed into his paranoia and has brainwashed him into believing the worse of me....now he is in advance stage of dementia and he's refusing to go to adult daycare....the siblings all live out of state 2500 miles away....they had nothing to do with him before dementia.....

Thanks for posting this. The answers were helpful for me as well. My mother is suffering from dementia and has demonized me to the extreme over the past year. She has been in an ALF, memory care, and now a skilled nursing facility. I am her only child and POA. She has decided that she hates me and would be "safer" if she didn't have to see me. This made me cry the other day, and I'm pretty sick of the accusations and abuse, even though I know she is confused. I hope you and your mother find some peace as you go through this.

Yup…very typical. I also am the bad guy when moms dementia flares. Thankfully Lewy Body has lots of good days…My brother is the golden boy. I do the work he gets the glory! I ignore it and do what needs to be done. Counseling has helped me face this new normal. Good Luck.

A support group I was in had the acronym DARE.
Don't
Argue
Reason
Explain

Apologize for any perceived wrongdoing even if you're not at fault. Say you'll try better. Let her win. It's surprisingly not as easy as it sounds but it does work for me to keep my sanity, mostly.

I'm so sad you have to go through this. I hope you'll find peace with this.

It's really hard when your LO starts in on some topic and you are kind of just going with the flow--and then they make some outrageous statement, that while a part of THEIR skewed reality, is NOT real.

And you cannot change their minds or correct them. What they perceive as real is as real to them as your reality is to you.

Mother is slipping and sliding into senescence. I see her more than all my sibs except the one she lives with. He is supposed to keep us all updated on her status, but he never has and never will. (Some kind of martyr complex is going on).

She'll see something on TV and that becomes her reality. She has a friend who does crazy things--and takes them on as HER experiences. And you cannot argue with her.

Thank you everyone for so many kind and wise words. I have a feeling I will be reading these responses over and over again. It is such a hard and unbelievable adjustment for us to make! I hope I have less urge to correct and reason with her as time goes. I hope her mind softens toward me as that would be the nicest. Again thank you everyone for taking the time out to think of me.

The hard truth is your Mom as you knew her is gone. She is not lying, her brain is dying, paranoia sets in. Her ""memories" can be dreams she had, TV shows, books she read, other peoples lives. Her brain can no longer separate these "memories" in the correct departments. And they just flit thru her mind, coming out her mouth because she no longer has filters, besides the ability to reason she has lost the ability to emphasize.

Like said, it still hurts but you know Mom can not help it.

There is no reasoning with her. It cannot be done. She is out of her mind and incapable of reason and logic.
All you can do now is take care of yourself. Please consider talking to a therapist. They will help you process everything you're going through.
The mother you knew and loved is gone. It's okay to grieve for her. The mother you knew loved and cared for you with all her heart. Try to think of her as a casualty of war. Dementia is like a war. For years and years people fight against it. Families step up and take care of the person. They hire caregivers so their loved one can remain in their home. They try medications. They maintain the patience level of a saint. All to try and keep the dementia from advancing and taking more of their loved one. It is a war. Unless a person dies, the dementia destroys everything and it wins the war.
The enemy (dementia) dropped a bomb on your mother's brain and destroyed it. You know she would never think ill of you. She would never believe that you stole from her or kidnapped her or any of the other outrageous nonsense. The dementia thinks this, not her. Not the mother you knew and loved.
Please seek out therapy because it will help you.

The only one that will benefit from working with a Social Worker would be you. Mom is not going to retain any therapies or talk sessions.
You can not fight HER "reality"
As difficult as it is try to remember that this is not your mom, this is the disease that has broken her brain.
You must know that no one believes the stories she comes up with.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. AnnReid is correct: this is dementia and there aren't many, if any, solutions for certain behaviors.

You could go through the "protocol" to make sure she isn't having a UTI, which is extremely common in elderly women, and often has no symptoms other than increased confusion, delusions and agitated behavior.

And, if she isn't already on a medication for anxiety/agitation maybe consult with her doctor to see if there's any options or if her current meds needs adjusting. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you go on this journey.

YOU are making the mistake in interpreting her verbalizations as lucid and changeable.

They simply are not. Her damaged brain is failing, and the misinterpretations, insults, and accusations are a PRODUCT of her illness, and really have NOTHING TO DO with the love you felt for one another before she began to suffer cognitive loss.

One of the most painful aspects of dementia as a caregiver, is learning that the person you loved is no longer there. The new person is losing filters, and operating on what her PRESENT TRUTH is.

You need to respect THAT “truth”, with no expectations that she is doing something that is “mean” or “meaningful” or in any way focused on her previous love for you.

Many of us have had to make this horribly painful adjustment. The staff in her residence has seen this, and understands it, and will not think badly of you because of what she says about you, or about anyone else.

It is a terribly painful time, but you as her loving caregiver, have to continue to love her with NO expectations other than what she’s showing you. At some point she may be able to show her love for you again, but it will be on her terms, as someone with dementia.

HUGS. It’s harder for you at this stage than it is for them.