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Hello! Sorry, me again. I’ve posted on here before but am at my wits end. My 92 year old, (going on 4) mother lives in her own apartment in a very nice senior community. She has held on to her delusion that she is sleeping on the same mattress she had on her honeymoon (69 years ago) despite buying 2 new mattresses since she has moved there 5 years ago to the tune of $4,400.00 . She does not have the money to piss away because she will need AL. Despite me, my husband, my brother , Sr. community staff, APS social worker and sister in-law all trying to reason with her that this is not true and that she is sleeping on her second new mattress, she continues to perseverate, whine, bully, and remains obsessed with this FOR 3 LONG YEARS NOW! Now she is telling everyone who will listen that me, her evil daughter, is making her sleep on a 69 year old mattress. She has been shown the receipts, with HER NAME, HER ADDRESS, HER signature, delivery date, purchase price and she tells us we are lying to her and the receipts are fake. She refuses to accept that she has dementia, impaired memory, and to take meds DR has prescribed for her for anxiety. Because he is trying to “send me to a nursing home." The APS Social Worker, per my request, came to her apt. found her to be competent, because she is still independent in her cares. She needs her money for a looming move to AL but refuses to even consider she will need more help. Because of her constant badgering and whining, I have basically gone no contact with her, and have her groceries delivered. I am down to seeing her once a month but I can’t stand being around her anymore. The mattress supersedes any interest she has in her family or kids or grandkids. I had surgery and all she talked about was this f'#*ng mattress while I was trying to rest and recover. I have blocked her on my cell phone and now she is sending letters (may be useful to me in court). She refuses to be assessed for Dementia/Alzheimer’s. Everyone I have pleaded with for help walks on eggshells because she is such a nasty Narcissist and bully. Do I get her a new mattress just to shut her up? No guarantee that she will remember buying a third one. Her twin sister died two years ago from late stage dementia, and her older sister had Parkinson’s, but they were realistic and accepted the help they needed instead of trying to put their kids in a grave before them. She feels she is “special" and immune to aging and dementia! I am looking for HELP! She is driving me insane!

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No. You do not get her yet another new mattress. You continue ignoring her and study up on dementia so you're not expecting her to change her evil ways b/c she's not going to. Period. You are the one who needs to change your expectations of her before YOU wind up dying of the stress she's causing you.

You are obviously not ignoring the woman if you are asking questions about whether or not to get her another new mattress. You say, "Anything I suggest she sabotages, obstructs and refuses" which means you are making suggestions to her that she has the opportunity TO refuse. Stop doing that.

You say, "There is a mattress store 2 blocks from her apartment that I could get her a cab to take to....." is yet another attempt to pacify a woman with dementia which will not work. What makes you think that if you do this, she won't forget in a week that this is yet ANOTHER new mattress, and insist it too is 69 years old and that she needs a new one?

You are still interacting with your mother & causing a back-and-forth communication with her that's the cause of your misery. Stop doing that entirely, is my suggestion. Just get her the groceries and ignore all the rest of the nonsense, b/c it will always BE nonsense even if you 'cure' this issue, she'll create another one. That's how dementia works. OCD to the 9th degree.

The "HELP" you need is within your own reach: nobody here can give you the tools you don't already HAVE available to you: the power to stop the back-and-forth communication game that's keeping the crazy-making alive & well.

Good luck to you.
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tygrlly1 Oct 2022
Thanks....I agree with everything you say..but .putting it into practice and sticking to it is another hurdle I have to conquer once and for all. My experience has been that once a family member is identified , the safety net of professionals that could provide help and an off ramp for the burnt out caregiver tends to disappear. I dont expect to find magic answers on here, obviously....maybe just a place to experience some rapport with others who can understand what I am going through also, and has some encouragement and willingness to listen without judgement.
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its best to ignore her . My Dad use to Lose everything and expect me to find Lost items constantly . After awhile I Just said " it will show up " and usually I would find things in strange Places but for Many years this is what transpired . I find when you Indulge them they get worse. Maybe just say " Yes I thought that mattress was 75 years Old mine is 100 " She May Laugh. I think this stuff is for attention .
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
You are right, KNance. Indulging the delusional nonsense will make it worse.
Sometimes it's okay to go along with a delusion if it's harmless. When a person is far gone with dementia it doesn't do them any good to be reminded that someone they loved died or that they're not living in a happy period of their past. There's no harm in that.
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It seems you have arrived at *no/very low contact* as your last resort.

Something has broken in her brain & caused this obsessional loop.

Reading again, I think that is all you can do: Await the crises that will force change upon her.

I suppose I would next have a good think about how much 'propping up' I would continue. Continue to order groceries etc... Or consider winding up your support to force the change faster? Not talking about letting her starve.. but just starting the next conversation.

Whatever APS say about her being competent.. Odd delusion aside, is Mom looking after herself? Can she obtain her own groceries? Meds? Arrange her daily life?

PS if Mom wants that new mattress, she can go buy it herself..
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Tygrlly, you have to find a way to stop caring what other people believe from her. They are going to believe whatever they want, no matter the truth, facts or reality.

When I read that she tells everyone that you make her sleep on a 69 year old mattress, I think that I would respond with, "yep, only because I couldn't find an older one" and then laugh. Maybe say, "As if! I could make you do anything!

She could change the mattress, if she was capable. Is this something that APS was told by her? Any half wit would understand that she can do something about this, if she has executive function. If not, maybe she is showtiming. Unfortunately, I think that APS has a high burn-out rate and it is staffed with recemt, idealistic college grads that have never dealt with the realities of dementia. They are taught that autonomy is top and foremost in calls, so the situation has to be pretty egregious for them to intervene in any way.

You are in a very sad position of becoming a statistic if you don't find a way to stop letting her broken brain stress you out.

I would encourage you to NOT read her letters, keep the phone on do not disturb and don't listen to voicemails. You are in charge of what you do or not with her.

My mom is in a similar situation and I know that I can not help her and I refuse to be her pizzing post. It is so sad knowing that one day I will get a call that she is hospitalized or dead but, I know that I have done everything that I could and she chose this life. I can't sacrifice my family or me at her alter of nutso. Even if I did, I would screw that up too, so what's the point?

You matter! Please find a way to not get caught up with her craziness, nothing you do or say is going to help her, so please help yourself.
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ventingisback Oct 2022
Your words are for OP. But thanks for helping me too.

I can’t believe how many of us are in this situation. And it’s almost ALWAYS a mean, elderly MOTHER against the DAUGHTER.
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Just had another thought.. not sure if could work.. I'll call it
*deflection*

Every call, advise Mom to go talk to her Doctor. To talk about the mattress? YES. Coz maybe it IS actually sleep problems? Or arthritis pain. Nothing to lose...

Or maybe she will rant on solely about the dang mattress for 10 minutes straight until the Doctor HEARS there is a cognitive issue going on here.

However this won't mean she consents to any scans/tests.. But I wonder... If you encouraged Mom to go talk to her Doctor EVERY DAY about it... Pester the Doctor..? How would that go? Receptionist: "Doctor, Mrs Mattress is in the lobby again, will I send her through?"

Anyone tried that?

Hope I gave you a laugh today, even if no actual help. It's a tricky one..
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tygrlly1 Oct 2022
Thats a great idea but she is also convinced he is trying to put her in a nursing home and "make me a zombie" ..because she read the insert to the anti anxiety med he gave her and ALL the possible side effects. She is paranoid on top of everything else. I am however going to be sending him a copy of the letter she sent to me about her 69 year old mattress. She is talking about not going back to see him for her 6 month checkup in January now. More ammunition for me for court I guess. She is sadly sealing her fate..still functional now but without medical care , there will eventually be an event that lands her in the hospital.Ps you did give me a much needed chuckle!
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You may as well be arguing with a 4 yo. So don't engage. My 4 yo grandson (aka, the Raccoon) was upset the other night b/c it as bedtime. He tried all his usual arguments and was finally just sobbing and said to his mom "But WHY do kids have eyebrows?" Super funny in a child. Annoying and a lost cause in adult.

People, as they slip and slide into senescence, often lose all sense of time, space, moving from point A-B and just the basics of daily life. They can get stuck, for lack of a better word, in one stage of life, or on one topic.

My MIL tells the story of my DH's birth, almost word for word and has done so on many occasions, much to the irritation of my DH and the 'amusement' of everyone else. Dh is 70, almost 71 and as she tells this story, you get the feeling that it happened YESTERDAY, but it was nearly 71 years ago.

EVERY.SINGLE.TIME she tells the story, someone steps in and says "so when did this HAPPEN?" obviously trying to get her aligned in times. It never works.

Don't buy Mom another mattress. Unless she needs one. This is something that is stuck in her mind and you cannot jar it loose.

I feel for you. This thing with my MIL is annoying as all get out. At least I don't have to deal with it. DH has a pretty thick skin.
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Thank you everyone for your suggestions and taking the time to try to help. The writing is on the wall....She will eventually have a crisis , that could have been prevented, if she would have addressed her declining cognitive and ohysical abilities and allowed help to get her through this by all of us beating our heads against the wall trying to intercede in a kind and non threatening manner. The very thing she fears the most , loss of her independence , will become her new reality becuase of her narcissism and lifelong oppositional and comfrontational personality. It cant come soon enough, sadly.
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Please don’t discuss dementia, memory loss, or anxiety with your mom. She’s incapable of understanding it, and it’s only frustrating you both. And though I really know you need to ignore all talk of the mattress, somehow I’d be just a wee bit tempted to tell her to enjoy that 69 year old mattress as it holds all those rocking honeymoon memories 🤣🤭 Sorry you’re going nuts with this, I do recommend long walks and chocolate
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Asking her if she will allow her doctor to test her for dementia will only make things worse.
The asinine nonsense about the 69 year old matress and the extreme stubborness about taking any medications that can help or allowing help to come in are all tell-tale symptoms of dementia.
You are not responsible for her. You've done everything you can already. Now it's time for APS and social services to do their jobs.
Your mother cannot remain living on her own and she will not 'agree' to any kind of help or relocating. Do not buy her a new mattress because that will be nothing but a colossal waste of money.
You don't necessarily have to go No-Contact with her. You also do not have to ever tolerate her verbal abuse and bullying. When she starts up about the mattress and the insults you tell her plainly and with plain speech as not to be misunderstood this response:

'Your mattress is fine and I refuse too discuss this nonsense with you. If you are going to continue with it I will be hanging up/leaving and will not take your calls/return for a very long time'.

Do this every time you interact with her on the phone or in person and you do it only once each time you see or talk to her. If she keeps up with the mattress talk totally ignore it. Or hang up/leave. In the meantime, don't let APS off the hook. Continue harassing them about her being an 'at-risk' senior because she has dementia. Keep a those letters she writes you and send copies of them to APS. Make sure you have proof that you sent them and reached out to them for help. Also because you will need them if you petition for conservatorship over her. If (God forbid) something unfortunate happens to her because she was left living unsupervised and is incompetent from dementia, you can prove you didn't have the legal authority to have her placed in care.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2022
Asking a demented senior if they will get tested is like asking an unruly child if they want a spanking, Never heard one yes in all my decades.
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Oh well.
THIS is a brilliant little saying that has helped me a lot.

"She is in lala land and refuses to even discuss enhanced help and will end up in nursing home . Oh well".

This is it.
Repeat this to yourself. Until you believe it.

I think it was JoAnn? that said the stubborn find themselves in a nursing home faster!
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