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I moved my folks into my house in 2012. Dad had blood clots, COPD, a touch of non-diagnosed dementia. Mom was his main caregiver.
But, then Mom had a stroke in 2016, and the VD took hold along with other problems from the stroke.
Dad passed in 2017, at home.
Now, it is 2021 and Mom asks were Dad is. Not always, but often enough to be troublesome.
I know not to tell her that he passed because of the grief reaction. However, When I try to deflect, Mom gets it in her head that he's abandoned her and she grieves for that!
Any suggestions? They were married for 57 years.

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I don't ever believe in dishonesty. I am uncertain who told you to be dishonest in order to avoid grief reaction, but I disagree. It is sad that with dementia she will mourn over and over, but I would help her. Make a scrapbook of memories and pictures together. Speak of his death, when and how it happened, and their last years together. Grief is a part of life. To attempt to hide it and let someone believe they are abandoned? I cannot imagine anything worse than that. Is grieving death and loss worse than that? I think not. Just my humble opinion.
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Thanks for responding. Perhaps I was not clear.
She knows he has died. She was there. But, with her VD she sometimes forgets. So, she asks where he is or when he'll get home. I've gone thru the telling her again...grief and shutdown. I've done the deflection and sometimes it works but other times she's sure he abandoned her....grief and shutdown.
Deflection is not lying.
And she absolutely loaths looking at old pictures and whatnot. I've tried that one as well.
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OH! should I spell out Vascular Dementia? VD does have other connotations. lol
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My mother will ask about my father, her husband of sixty years, and I remind her he passed years ago and he is at peace. She accepts my answer and is reassured that he is safe and at peace.
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I think the answer here depends on the type and severity of the dementia. When my mom died dad was with here and grieved horribly until relatives took him out to the lobby of the assisted living facility. I arrived 20 minutes after mom died. He was have a good time telling fishing stories to his grandsons. Any memory of moms death completely gone.

Dads short term memory was maybe two or three minutes at that point. I was not about to make him go through the shock and grief every time he asked where mom was. Nor did I take him to her memorial service. So when he asked, mom was at the doctors, in rehab, in the hospital etc. This was stuff he was very used to in the past years.

In the last year or so of his life he rarely asked about mom.
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BlueRider84 Mar 2021
My mother also had very short memory (3-5 minutes) due to Alzheimer’s. After my father died at home last May (we were both with him), she would frequently ask where he was or when he was coming home. They were married for 65 years. I was honest with her every time and gently told her that he had died. Sometimes she responded with “Oh, that’s right. I just forgot.” Other times it seemed like new info and she’d ask how he passed. Either way, it wouldn’t have been fair to her to lie about something so important. Death is certainly a part of the circle of life.
After dad died, we put his urn of ashes on his bedroom dresser with a photo of him so mom could see him and feel his presence. She found comfort in that, especially in her last few weeks (she passed last month, which was a blessing).
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You could always tell her that your Dad is in her heart and yours, too, so he hasn't left her.
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One can always try to tell the truth, and see the reaction, but generally it isn't good. If they take it okay, are not upset and just tend to ask again, fine. Tell them the person has passed. I have not seen anyone myself who takes that news nicely. I was not about to put my mother through pain and grief over and over and over again just so I could tell the "truth."

The people she brought up that were gone were her mother (mostly), her father (a few times) and one sister. At least those were the only ones she talked about with me. Her mother had been gone over 40 years, her dad died in our house when I was 10 and her sister had been gone for years.

Clearly the first time her mother popped into the discussion, she had stepped back in time. In the same time period she forgot her condo of 25 years and focused on the previous house. I responded in a way that just deferred her request or kept the responses vague (Have you seen or talked to SisterX? Not recently. She went on with her thoughts about that sister, without any response from me after that.) I had learned enough by that time that I knew telling her that these people were dead would not go over well.

The only time I mentioned a death was a cousin of mine. When I said Mary had recently passed away, she was angry that no one told her! I had only found out myself, as we hadn't been in contact with others in the family for many years.

Her statements and questions about her mother were rather sweet - gee, I wonder what's she's doing for X holiday? Would she be making turkey dinner? Why would I want to squash those memories by telling her the woman has been dead for 40+ years?

So, what do you use for "deflection"? If saying he's at work, at the store, out with the "boys", and the like don't work, perhaps a little bit more fibbing? A lot can depend on how long her short term memory is. My mother could forget something she or I said in a matter of minutes, but other times get stuck on something, like a record needle stuck in a scratch, repeating over and over. If she tends to forget quickly, perhaps you could tell her you just talked to him, he's on his way home? Or he called and is having car trouble, he will be home a bit late? If possible, follow these up with trying to guide her onto another topic or activity, cup of tea, check what's on TV, go for a walk - don't know enough about your mother to really nail anything down.

Although I could post our interactions about other family members, she never did ask about dad. For the first 2 years or so, she carried around pictures of dad and several with her siblings. I bought a small picture album, to help protect the pictures for her. She would often look through them, but never asked about them (she was the last of that generation on both sides of the family.)

(VD - I was typing in another post and thought the same thing, so I spelled it out. I've seen VaD used, but just now looking that up, nope, pages and pages on some medical device, no mention of dementia! I'm sure everyone knew what you meant!)
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There's no good answer here, obviously. Normally, we don't remind a dementia sufferer that a loved one has died so they don't relive the grief over and over again. Yet you say your mother knows her husband is deceased. So she's confused about where he's at, I guess you're saying? Tell her he's in heaven and resting comfortably in peace over there, might be a good idea to try.

My mother has moderately advanced VD herself but never asks about her deceased husband of 68 years. She didn't like him much, to be honest. Lately, she's fixated on her mother and sisters who have been dead for decades. Depending on her mood and state of mind, I'll either tell her they're passed or not available to speak on the phone. There's no such thing as "lying" to a person with dementia, nor is there value in insisting on telling them the truth if it's going to agitate them. So you play it by ear. You tell her whatever she needs to hear at the moment to keep her calm.

Thats how I handle my 94 year old mother who changes on a daily basis, so I change along with her, to keep the peace and not further hype up an over dramatic woman.

Good luck with an ugly condition to deal with.
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Yes, Mom,I love him too... Ice Cream?
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One thing that sometimes works is an excuse a bit longer than being late home, and that can deflect to a different conversation. EG He’s gone on a trip to NYC because he’s always wanted to see it, and he phones and sends his love – What did you enjoy on your trip when you were young? His work has sent him to the London office to see their factory over there, he says he’s missing you and is looking forward to getting home – Do you think he should try and see Buckingham Palace while he’s there? He’s had to go to hospital for some check-ups, nothing’s wrong but they are keeping him in for a few days – He doesn’t think the nurses are as nice as your here? He’s due home from a camping trip with the grandsons next week (and it’s always next week). I’m sure he’ll be glad of some proper home cooked dinners. What do you think we should cook for him?

Or you could just bring up a discussion about his favorite dinners - anything to deflect to something nice to talk about. The first bit may not be 'true', but the discussion that follows could be genuine. Worth a try?
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MAYDAY Mar 2021
YES,,, WORTH A TRY.... !!!
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My mom has VD too :) I'm in the SAME situation with my mom asking about my dad. I don't believe in lying either, but there are times I just can't handle watching the pain well up on her face. Much of the time, she is telling me where my dad is at...at work, in the hospital, or with one of us kids. Those times, I don't correct her. I just try to switch the topic at that time. However, there are times she's really concerned and worried about him. These times are getting fewer, but when she's more lucid then I bring his death up. It's like she still knows down deep and she accepts it. BUT there are times I've told her and she wants to know when, because she just talked to him that morning! It's tough stuff. Just know you're not alone.
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I don't consider it fibbing or lying when you tell something that's not true to the person with dementia - to them it's all too true; it's visiting their world. My father was worried a couple of times about money he owed someone. I paid the bills - he owed no one - the first time I told him the check had been written and was in the mail. When he called from the SNF frantic that he needed $660 immediately (I'm sure his caretakers tried to quiet him first before calling) I told him it was late and the banks were closed (which was true) and told him I'd bring the money to him in the morning, pretty much knowing he'd forget by morning.

If it is too crushing to tell her that he died, tell her that he will be home later - depending on the severity of her dementia that could be the best way to go. A friend of mine said her mother used to tell her caregivers that her husband would be by to pick her and take her home. No one told her otherwise.

Good Luck
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Imho, there is no point in putting your mother through the pain of the loss again since she has a broken brain. Just redirect.
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Therapeutic lying only works if you are comfortable with the technique. You need to develop a set of answers for difficult questions. Did your father travel for business or hobbies (fishing or hunting trips)? Would he visit his siblings? Does mom remember caring for him at home? Sometimes saying "he needed to go for treatment" or that "he is visiting ______" can help. However, it may be better to just say "he is out for a bit" and change the subject.
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No one size answer here, as so much depends on the particulars of your mom. My 96 yr old mom w/ some dementia just last week was telling me of dreams of her mother & my deceased dad.

At one point, she asked me if her Mom was me (when I was in my office & out of her sight). I said kindly but w/ not w/ sadness - just matter of fact ness, "No Mom. Your mom was in heaven before I was born. But I would have loved to have met her! If you see her in your dreams tonight, please tell her so."

Maybe take that kind of tact w/ your mom? You could say, "Dad's in Heaven now, watching over you. He loves you as much now as ever." etc etc. It depends on your mom, but mine (also married 57 yrs) finds joy in remembering dad, and the marriage they had. Seems to bring comfort to her.

Lastly, if your mom is getting increasingly anxious about things, maybe talk to her dr about anxiety meds. My mom is on a fairly low dose of Lexapro & she does seem more emotionally stable (not out of it).
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