Follow
Share

Could anyone advise who to chose for medical POA between 2 daughters for remaining parent? All are on good terms and in equal close proximity. It is more of an emotional issue as both are capable.

Choose both! My brother and I share DPOA for dad’s finances and healthcare. We live 2 hours apart, but dad lives closer to me. Based on circumstances, one child may step up as the leader, but at least they will both feel as if they have a say.
It has worked fine... and it’s good to have someone to “consult with”...
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Dadsakid
Report

I was the DPOA for my late mother as I was the adult kid who had to live with her. The end.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report

Both my brother and I have MPOA as well as POA foe financial stuff. I think all three of were listed actually, we wanted it that way but the brother who lives out west hasn't exercised anything. There was some language I believe about "pulling the plug" and I think we put me as her eldest and only daughter in charge in the event of descent and we put my brother who lives closest in charge of the financial stuff but we all have POA. We were very fortunate to have an old family attorney, friend of the family who was willing to come to the rehab facility after her stroke with all the paperwork and make it all legal.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Lymie61
Report

I say use an attorney well versed in elder care. One of my daughters said she couldn't pull the plug, I named the other one POA.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MaryKathleen
Report

My parents were always hushed up about their business. I have no idea of their financial state although my dad did tell me that my three siblings received a hundred thousand each at different crises in their lives. I received nothing. Maybe it’s a nod to wanting to be free.
For the past five years I have spent up to five days a month taking them to the doctor. It is a day long trip.
As my father neared death my baby sister announced that she was putting dad in the nursing home and moving my mom to my brother’s home forty miles away from the community that my parents and my family have lived all of our lives. She was PA and there was nothing I could do about it. My dad bowed up and made them take him home
It was very traumatic for my dad. He lived ten days. I am very angry at my mother. She thinks my slob of a nurse sister should write medical books.
My point is if you have more than one candidate for PA it might be best to state your need to all of them and let them decide who is going to fill each role.
Frequently we read about children that avoid caring for their parents on any level. There could be reasons these negligent family members stay away. Maybe they are hurt.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Jakjak
Report

Make the oldest daughter the Primary POA, if living, then the youngest daughter.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Ricky6
Report

My sister and I were Medical POAs for my childless aunt and uncle. Good thing as she was out of state when they had a serious auto accident and I was able to fill in until she got home. She usually took care of them.

When my husband and I had our POA and Medical POA papers completed we chose our son as he lived closest to us and then added another person to be available if he was unable to act at that time. Seemed to problem in Iowa.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Rutucker
Report

I think simply getting the two daughters together and discussing this would be the most sensible way to handle this. Although they are both capable, maybe one would prefer to be POA. I assume their lives aren't completely identical, so there may be differences in the other responsibilities each has, thus their available time may be different. Upon doing this, it may turn out that a coin toss (as Countrymouse suggested) is the way to go, but at least both will know how the decision was made and the reasoning behind it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to jacobsonbob
Report
Riverdale Dec 7, 2018
Thank you. I discussed this again last night with the mother my close friend. She came to the conclusion that she would choose the daughter who does not have primary financial POA. It seemed to be a difficult decision. Her husband suffered a serious stroke nearly 2 years ago so she has had to deal with so much. I think she finally found some peace with this choice.
(1)
Report
Why can't both be named? I have read of shared POA between siblings in posts here at AgingCare.com
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to RayLinStephens
Report
Riverdale Dec 7, 2018
NY state indicates that only one can be primary.
(1)
Report
I'd make sure both are on all HIPPA forms. While I was the POA for both of my parents, my brothers were the next in line should I be unable to fulfill my responsibilities. I always put down names of immediate and trustworthy family members on HIPPA forms. That allowed more than one of us to listen in on medical conversations with doctors and nurses. For myself, I always make sure my husband and both my daughters are on my HIPPA forms--just in case I need their input.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to busymom
Report

My brother and I share that responsibility. He usually agrees with me when we talk about what to do for dad, it’s worked well for us to this point. It sounds as if the daughters would work well together and if the remaining parent has expressed wishes that will help guide them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Glendaj2
Report

This is a very important decision. I would suggest sitting down with both daughters and a lawyer to iron out the details. Unless there is absolutely total agreement between the children on who does what, there could be big problems in the future.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to caringson12
Report
Arleeda Dec 7, 2018
And there rarely is total agreement between siblings! I had made my RN daughter my health care POA, and both she and my son durable POA--with both having to agree on something before spending. All of my accounts have named beneficiaries, so the co-Executors of the will won't have all that much to do except pay any outstanding bills. However, I am now consulting the best elder care lawyer in the city, and he says to give both my kids durable POA able to act independently to pay my expenses in event of incapacitation--the health care POA will definitely need immediate access to cash at times. My single childless daughter doesn't particularly trust her brother. I suppose that because he has a wife with a heart problem, a diabetic daughter who may not get insurance because of pre-existing conditions when she turns 26 five years from now, and another daughter who is 13 with future college tuitions, he might want to cut corners on my health care to increase his inheritance. On the other hand, my daughter says she is leaving everything she has to the Humane Society and not to her brother and his 2 daughters!

My daughter now is the acting medical POA for her father, my ex who is in a nursing home. My Ex did not appoint any POA's for medical or financial POA in event of incapacity, a state in which he now is. He did put our daughter on his bank account, and she pays his expenses from that. However, that account is almost exhausted after 2 1/2 years in nursing home (he has Lewy Body dementia). He does have substantial stock holdings, but I presume both my son and my daughter will have to go to an attorney to get permission to sell those. If he dies, they go 50/50 which is why neither has wanted to sell them.

I would prefer to leave everything to my son as he has a family, but I don't want my daughter to hate me and him forever, as my sister hates me because my mother left everything to me as I was the one who took care of her and my sister never came to visit her. I did give my sister half of the money from the sale of my mom's house even though I didn't have to. Sometimes I wish I didn't have any assets!
(0)
Report
Have you asked them if they have a preference? My sister and I were listed jointly and severally (either or) so we both had the ability to act, although the reality was that my sis deferred to me completely. If you feel you must choose just one I imagine one daughter is somewhat more apt to take the lead when they are together so you may as well choose her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to cwillie
Report
Riverdale Dec 7, 2018
They both replied it was up to their mother to decide.
(0)
Report
This is not as silly as it will look at first sight:

Coin toss?

If both daughters are really equally capable, if there are no differences in terms of

alignment with parent's own views
understanding of likely issues
ability to be on site when needed
willingness to undertake the responsibility

and if both agree to this solution, then... why not?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

There should only be one primary POA with a back up. Also, while getting Medical POA she should assign a financial. There is someone on this forum now who has MPOA and no financial so is having a problem now that Mom has Dementia getting her SS signed over to a NH.

Neither POAs can come into effect unless the person who assigned them cannot make an informed decision.

I plan on having #2 daughter as financial (her strongsuit) with #1 backup and for Medical #1 as primary (she's an RN) and #2 as backup.

As stated, both should be asked if they are comfortable with being assigned.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
Riverdale Dec 6, 2018
That is almost the exact scenario
These POA s are for future of well parent. Financial is in effect with daughter in finance. I suggested other daughter for medical although she is not in that field. Will continue to discuss it. Spouse had major stroke almost 2 years ago. Fortunately a very good elder care lawyer worked to get POA for the well spouse with gentle conversations.
(2)
Report
I can't imagine that there isn't a place for a back up, what happens if your MPOA is knocked in the head and ends in a coma the day before you need help? Yikes.

If it is a form, she may be able to have an attorney draw one up that accommodates successor or even joint MPOA.

I'm in AZ and all of our forms through the state attorney general's website have a place for multiple POA. It confuses me why NY wouldn't think about the named being unavailable or ?

Let me know how it works out.

You are a good friend. Hugs for helping!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

Can you do a successor MPOA?

I would do a conference call and find out how they feel about it and get agreement between them that no matter who has the authority that they will decide together, it really is about honoring your wishes so it is easy to fulfill when we have all of our paperwork done. I would think that would put any concern of favoritism to bed and make them feel respected. Just my opinion.

I sure wish that there was a national standard for all this paperwork.

I had a friend that had to have her husband on life support for a week while they battled about a DNR from Idaho being accepted in AZ.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
Riverdale Dec 5, 2018
Thanks. I will inform my friend about this but it may be in theory only as I believe as she stated only one is legally allowed.
(2)
Report
I would assign both. That will help keep everyone on good terms.

Close sisters are going to work together to ensure that their parents wishes and best interests are first and foremost.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
Riverdale Dec 5, 2018
NY won't allow both. Only one can be legally responsible.
(2)
Report
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter