On deathwatch... What did you see happen to your loved ones towards the end?

"To cease upon the midnight with no pain"---Keats, Ode to a Nightengale---describes my father's death perfectly. He was 95. You have done everything right, dear Army Wife. During my father's last days, my mother sat with him holding his hand, my daughter sang him songs he had taught her (he smiled), I tried to think of any unfinished business he might have and told him it would be taken care of, I told him we would make sure my mother was comfortable, safe and happy. We all told him we loved him. I keep thinking of other things I could have done --- he loved poetry, I could have read it to him, and didn't. You'll think of things, too. Don't dwell on them. You have done it all right.

Crystal we do what we have to do..it's almost automatic at times. I know you understand. It's the part of witnessing the whole thing that seems to hurt the most. I totally know where you are at. I wished I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. But when it's over and your dad is with the angels...you will feel a weight lifted like no other. I think the day my mom passed I came home at 2 am...and went to bed...and just passed out. Slept until 10 the next day..then moved to the couch and slept more. Your body can only take so much. But it's a good thing. Its so exhausting seeing someone you love so dearly go through the whole process. Hang in there...I pray it will be soon. (((Hugs))) My thoughts are with you and your dad tonight.

My FIL had been in a CW band until he retired. They played in clubs and at weddings every weekend for over 20 years. I sat with him, with my Labrador for his last days. I hung things from their home on the walls of his nursing home room and had pictures of his family all around in case he opened his eyes he would see something familiar. Bible reading made him restless so I stopped. My husband found some old recordings that someone had done of the band live at a club, complete with commentary by the bandleader. I started playing those and he noticeably relaxed and smiled quite a bit to himself. At one point he joined himself in a song. His last words were singing along with himself. For him, the music gave him peace.

Looking back, what I wish I had done was said Psalms 23 for my father before he passed. He was a very religious man and may have found comfort in it. Instead I was lost in the confusion of the last things that needed to be done. Later that night I went into the backyard and said the Psalms to the heavens, hoping that he would hear.

Nan my heart is in my throat as I read your post. I feel so bad for you and all the caretakers that recently lost a loved one. I am still tending to my father and it has been a long time and sometimes I am so worn out I can not concentrate or leave the house much..my mind goes blank for a minute and I wake up knowing what all I have to do everyday. I have to say this and I hope it does not sound wrong. I think it is easier on the patient and the family when there is not a long long illness as in years. It seems like the ones I have talked with recently had strokes and passed quickly but then there are those of our loved ones that suffer for so long it is horrible to watch day in and day out. And there is nothing you can do but make them comfortable. I don't know why this is the way it is for some of us here but I know one thing I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be doing this for as long as I have. Lord knows I love my father but it is really hard at times to be going back and forth to the hospital and medicines and needles and blood transfusions, etc... It is hard some days like this today. I think about now I am praying for mercy for him since I know this is too much for him too - The Waiting... I hope this comes out okay as I am so tired and my words might not be setting good at this moment. While all of this has been going on in my life the past two years I have not had the time to be with my mother who is getting older and having health issues too. (my parents are divorced but closest friends you could ever meet) I have a feeling if I do not go and visit with mother and something happens to her I will never forgive myself. I am on a rollercoaster - somedays smooth most days not.. My tears have subsided for awhile as my body and mind is really tired ... I have to hold on and thank the Lord for without Him I would of not made it this far. I am so sorry about your beautiful mother and know she is watching over you each and everyday...we will all be together with our loved ones someday. Keep her photo close by you and I know how special mothers and fathers are...and I know how special you were to your loving mother as well. I have tears now:( There is no one quite like them there will never be. God Bless you friend. Hugs.

When I recognized the Cheyne-Stokes breathing, I told my mom it was OK, she had done her best, and held her hand. I've spent a lot of time thinking about all I did and didn't do for her, and sometimes I think I did my best too. I did know she did not want to die alone, and at least I have that much...I hope it is easy and peaceful for you and hubby and Mom...blessings...

Jessie, I'm sure he did.

Armywife, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Mostly, I want you to know you're not alone and that any and all of the feelings you have or will have, are valid and normal. I hope that we can all be here for you. hugs.

Army wife thank you and I feel your heart in your response. We just lost another member of the family (not immediate family) and I was there shortly after she passed. Her daughter (my sisterinlaw) was in the room and she was hysterical. I walked in the room placed my hand in her hand and it was the most peaceful feeling. It is hard to describe. Now will I be that way when it happens to Dad - I hope so. I have had the fear but the fear is leaving me as I know this one thing I will share here. When it is time for the Good Lord to call him Home..I will know and I pray it is in peace. I am strong women., I am weak women but I know one thing I trust in the Lord to help me and my family when this time comes for us. I have been on this watch for some time now with my father and I make him comfortable. Play music. Talk to him and tend to him. It is something I will never regret for it is Gods work too. Caregivers that do this are special ones because not everyone can do this work. And it is work. I have gotten strength when I thought I had not a minute of it left....tis hard to write in words here. Just know I feel your pain and I am here for you as we all are. We let go and let God. We are not in control. Neither is any medical professional. To me it is all in Gods hands and plans and no one can stop or hinder it from happening. Your Mom is watching over you and she thanks you for tending to her. You are a wonderful daughter and never forget it. Many daughters could not do the things you did for your Mother. Like I said earlier caretakers are special people God puts on this earth to do what they have to do for their loved ones. God Bless you Armywife and I am so happy your husband is home with you now. Thank him for his service to our country as well. My father is a Vet and I am an advocate for all our Vets - young and old. They must be treated with the utmost respect and dignity their whole life. They served this country and we support all of them. You can bet on this one - I certainly do!

Just know this is a place to come when you need to. I lost my mom Jan. 1st. She too ended with pneumonia. She lived with me 32 yrs and I loved her so much. The memories are all here. I feel like I'm getting stronger, but believe me, I am still grieving. I just went down to iron some of my husband's shirts. Mom lived downstairs..the laundry room (laundry was her favorite thing to do, even at 95!) is right off her kitchen. I started to iron and saw her radio on her kitchen table right by the kitchen chair she sat at every morning. I just gave way to tears! I could only get 2 shirts ironed, and I came up here and got on this site. I haven't been on for about a week. This week was going pretty well, but I'm sure glad you are all here and I can see your stories and experiences too. We are all in this together and this site makes me remember that so many of us are going through the same thing. Some of us have alread lost our loved ones, and so many of you are still care-giving. Some of you are right at the end of one road, and you will be entering another. Stay strong. We can all build each other up.