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Hi all - my grandpa died at age 98 of aspiration pneumonia earlier this month. Until March of this year, my grandparents were both doing amazing living in their home and taking care of themselves. It was remarkable.


Unfortunately, just 4 days after my grandpa died, my grandma fell and broke her hip. This was surprising to all of us considering she was so well previously.


since then, surgery and grief exhaustion has caught up with her - which I totally understand after a crazy few weeks. Always an anxious person, she is in a mental crisis and it’s tough to watch.


At my visit today, she plainly said she doesn’t want to live anymore and has no intention of trying to get stronger or better in any way. She doesn’t want to eat or take any of her existing medications right now.


As you can probably imagine, I’m at a loss and very sad for many reasons. Has anyone else experienced anything like this stretch of time? What can I do? What SHOULD I do? I feel so helpless right now 😞

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I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this situation and the loss of your grandfather. He lived a long life! I know that you must miss him terribly. I am sure that your grandmother misses him an awful lot.

My dad died before my mom. She missed him terribly but seemed to cope with her loss fairly well. She lived to be 95. She had her share of suffering. She had Parkinson’s disease. Mom was tired. She never expected to live as long as she did. Occasionally, she would make a comment about being ready to join my father. They were married for almost 56 years.

I understood how she felt and felt that she was entitled to her feelings. So, I honored her feelings. I told her that I understood why she felt as she did. I didn’t tell her things like, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t feel like that or Don’t say that.’ She was comforted by my understanding her feelings.

Meet her where she is. Hey, you might feel the same way, if you were her age!

Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.
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There is actually something called broken heart syndrome. In all my years of work I have seen from time to time a long married couple (they don't make marriages like this anymore) who seem like "bookends" supporting each other....and when one goes...the other often follows so they are "together again". It's horribly sad for the survivors who endure a double loss, but I like to think it brings comfort to those two bonded souls. Sounds very much like she has so much to deal with. Perhaps if she is willing a psychiatrist who specializes in loss/geriatrics. SHe is older, mourning, grieving. Loss of appetite, loss of interest in living...in those conditions is normal...but your own sadness is understandable. Your hanging in there with her and letting her know how much you love her and want and need her to stick around is probably more valuable than you will ever realize. If you do that, you ARE doing something that no one else on this planet can do for her. Just love her as you have. You are a blessing in her life whether your realize it or not. Maybe bring food she likes in to eat with her...or take her out if she's up to it? OR cook for her?? Or have her teach you some of her specialties that she made....Sending hugs. Pass them on:-)
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This is so very common with couples that have been together a long time. When one dies, the other often follows shortly thereafter. I find it very sweet, and instead of looking at the negative, look at the positive, that perhaps soon, your grandpa and grandma will be back together for eternity. That should turn your frown upside down.
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My dad went through this. He eventually decided to die by ceasing to eat and ended up in a Geri-psych unit (after the hospital for repeated falls due to weakness from not eating), and with proper meds he has regained some of the 60lbs he lost and while he still wants to go to Heaven (and tells me every day) he hasn’t lost all will to live laying in the dark starving himself like before. He’s only 79 though. At your grandmothers age, I don’t know how much I would push depression meds. Just be there for her, and let her talk about your grandfather if she wants, and let her know how special they both are/were to you.
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My mother is 87 and was quite healthy until a few months ago. She and my 83 year old dad have been married for 63 years, and the thought of one of them surviving without the other is difficult for me to imagine. As my mother’s health is declining my dad seems to realize that time is short and has voiced numerous times that he does not want to live without her. I am really struggling with the thought of how he is going to deal with her death when it comes. I don’t want him to hurt the way I know he inevitably will. In his mind, his life will be over once she’s gone. All I can hope for him is that he is able to follow her because I know that’s what he wants. I don’t want either of them to suffer. I’ve heard that it’s only difficult for those who are left behind, and I think it’s fair for your loved one to want her suffering to end sooner rather than later.
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"I’m at a loss and very sad for many reasons".

Yes you are grieving too 😥

"Has anyone else experienced anything like this stretch of time?"

A colleague lost both elderly parents, him first (unexpected) she became confused with grief/delerium, fell, #hip, more delerium, refused to eat, passed within weeks. Yes it can happen like this. I have heard many tales similar & I'm with FunkyGrandma, focus on the good story here. Two long long lives & a short time apart.

"What can I do?"
Visit & hold her hand. Thank her for being your Grandma. Help support your family. Find or connect with supportive people for yourself. (Some friends won't get it, won't be supportive, you don't need them now).

"What SHOULD I do?"
Do no harm.
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In a younger life I worked for a life insurance company in the claims department - it wasn't unusual for couples married for many years to follow one another in death a few days or weeks apart.

My husband and his brothers were concerned that their mother wouldn't survive her husband's death, however she was much younger than your grandmother and did survive many years.

If your GF was 98, then I am presuming your grandmother is of a similar age. A broken hip can be a game changer with health of an elder. She has been through a lot in the last couple of months and I'm sure it wearing her down that her desire to live has become non-existent. Have her dr provide a referral for hospice and consult hospice providers and find a good fit for GM and the family.

My father at 89 was tired of living and continued until he was 91. When he landed in hospital with CHF, AFIB, leaky heart valve +. When he got home from rehab he stated he was done - no more rehab no more active treatment. We used a not for profit hospice provider and were very pleased with the services they provided dad and mom.

Know placing GM on hospice doesn't mean death is imminent - my dad lived for another 6 months - some live longer, some live shorter, some graduate from hospice.

Try and honor GM's wishes and love and support her.
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We knew when Grandpa Higgins dies, that Grandma Higgins would be close behind.

He died from prostrate cancer, it had spread before the family noticed anything was wrong. He was gone in a few weeks.

Grandma who had been in relative good health, just mild dementia and angina lasted about 4 months.

They were in their late 80’s.

We have family friends in their 80’s, the wife died in February, he is not well and it will be a surprise if he gets to the end of the year.
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There does come a time when a person does give up. They're not in fear of death. They welcome it like an old friend and they go willingly and at peace.
This happened to my father. His entire life until the age of 90 he enjoyed robust health, great looks, and was still athletic golfing, bowling, swimming, driving, cooking, and living independently. He didn't have a moment of dementia either.
Then he had a stroke. He didn't die from it. At first he was doing a lot of physical, speech, and occupational therapy. Then insurance stopped paying for this and he was then just room and board care in the facility. He knew that he wasn't getting out of the nursing home. This is when he gave up and I think willed himself dead. He stopped letting the staff get him out of bed. He didn't want to eat.
It took seven months for him to die because his body was still strong and in good shape. He wanted to go though. He was ready. I think your grandma is too.
Visit her as much as you can. There's nothing you or anyone else can do for her except be there. She wants you there.
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Get her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. She is mourning and experiencing depression. Both can be evaluated and treated.
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MaryKathleen Jul 2021
You are probably correct in treatment. But why? I am only 87. I have had 1 friend die this week, another one (on hospice) I just found out a few minutes ago, is only breathing 4 times a minute. There are 2 more on hospice. One on them on hospice lost her 53 year old granddaughter yesterday. I saw an old friend from 6th grade this week. She is heavy into Alzheimer's. Her children are dragging her from pillar to post because they don't have a clue what to do with her. Oh, they have already taken her money and divided it up between the 4 kids. My husbands niece is only alive until they have no more chemo to try on her.

I am in constant pain all the time, I am having a hard time controlling my bladder. I may have another skin cancer, I should find out in a couple of days.

Neither this person's grandmother or I are ever going to get to feeling better, we will not get younger, if she is like me, nearly all your peers are gone. Our vision and hearing are going. I have sewn quilts and clothes my entire life, I have a very hard time seeing the thread in the fabric if I have to rip it out. I can't knit, tat, crochet, I have hiked, backpacked, driven all over the country. Those days are gone too. I can still drive, but caring for husband prevents long trips.

I am active, and I care for my husband who has Alzheimer's. I am OK now, but I have a horror of being a burden to my children.

If she believes this life is not all there is, what is wrong with her wanting to go and be with all her loved ones?

So, tell me, what do we have to feel positive about. Why would we want to hang around?
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My mother, being 82, lost her best friend when her husband (my father) died, so she lost interest in life. She refused medical treatment and tried very hard to die. After six months, she decided to stop eating...amd died six weeks later.

I say when an elderly person wishes to die, leave her or him alone.
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Best thing to do is bring her home.

She has a better chance with a loved one.
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LoopyLoo Jul 2021
No, it isn’t the automatically best thing.

She’s lost her #1 loved one and is not going to work to improve for anyone at this point. She needs to be where she can get the best care possible, which could be home OR a facility.
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I have witnessed the passing of older people who were ill . Not as old a grandma but near the end of life .. One was my mom .. a few months before hospice was brought in , she stopped eating . I thought is was a conscious thing on her part. but , it wasn’t. We chastised her. The wonderful people at hospice spent some time with us to educate us . Her body could no longer process what she was eating so her brain shut of her appetite. Sounds silly but I have seen it multiple times. She did not have a long time husband that she wanted to be with but , she just wanted to go HOME . Hospice helped us get through that, too . We ( children ) each , over time , told her if she was ready we would be ok on our own .We praised the time she was in out lives and what she taught us ..,In a way we gave her permission to pass. It was hard on all of us but she was ready .Depression and Pain were all she had left . I also witnessed this in a mother in law , a grandmother and a sister in law . Everyone of them also hated the thought of being a burden to the family in the condition they were in ..
I pray when it comes to me that my kids will let me go with respect of my choices , love and understanding ..
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Compassionately, I understand Gma's wishes and doubt it's a mental crisis. Each of us has a right to choose. She has made her decision and I would honor it.
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After a spouse passes when they've been together for decades, either of 2 things happens: either the surviving spouse wants to join the deceased spouse immediately or they go on living for a decade or more without further ado. My mother went route #2 but I've had relatives go route #1.

Please get your mother a hospice evaluation right away to honor her wishes. Extending an elders life beyond their wishes isn't fair to them at all. Death isn't the end but a new beginning where your grandparents will be reunited once again in eternal love. Of course its hard to say goodbye to our loved ones, but its part of the cycle of life we all must endure.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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cweissp Jul 2021
beautifully said.
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She is exhausted. She should eat and drink only if she wants to. She may come back to wanting to live, but she may not. The surgery took a lot out of her and it does not wear off easily. She may just want to sleep. Often the spouse who is left after a very long marriage does not want to live any longer at first, then learns to live again eventually. But with the broken hip on top of the grief, she may not make it to that point. Love her. Let her know you love her. Hold her hand and stroke her head. She needs comfort. I'm so sorry. I know it really hurts.
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AppreciatedIn21: I am so sorry for the loss of your grandpa and send condolences to you. The combination of losing her spouse of many years of marriage, breaking a hip and the resulting depression is difficult to bear for your grandma. Perhaps hospice should be called in.
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It is how my husband is doing. He fell in January of 2018 and broke his collar bone and had a severely torn rotator cuff. He had surgery and was off of work for 3 months and still had therapy to go thru. His company forced him into retirement which he really needed to be but, refused to admit it. He was showing signs of dementia and having vision problems. He drove a semi and it isn't a job for someone with his health problems. Since then, he has cut all ties with friends and pretty much family other then a couple of grandkids and our daughter. He sits in his recliner or lays in bed. He likes to "forget" his meds but, I check them morning and night to see if he has taken them. He has coffee and a sweet roll in the morning and then I usually have to fix something and bring it to him just to get him to eat lunch. I keep it simple and small. He's losing weight, has trouble balancing and walking due to non use of his limbs. He can't drive any longer and he sold his beloved pickup yesterday and now, he's really sad and despondent. I took him out to eat today and we came home and he bathed and went to bed at 7:30. He will sleep or lay in bed until 10:30 to noon. Yes, they do just give up on life. I miss my husband already.
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if she was 50 years old and experienced this what would you do? you would engage her in everything and tell her she has so much to live for. I think that you may be grieving to your grandfather died. you never had to deal with this because they were independent. no w you have a sad hurt dependent person asking you to give a reason for living so do so. include her in everything and call her everyday. if you can afford it hire a companion or look up some of her old friends. since you feel helpless maybe you can make her your project. grandparents can give you more than you give them you can get through this together.
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