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I'm curious how others have dealt with a similar situation. My wife is disabled with mild to moderate dementia, long-term (49 years) type 1 diabetes, and a whole host of other physical and neurological ailments. We are both 70 years old. I'm in good health and have been her caregiver for more than a decade. Her health situation is slowly, but inevitably deteriorating. She had a serious fall last year resulting in bleeding inside her skull, and while I did all the right things (ER, hospital, doctors, numerous safety devices post-fall, post-hospital rehab, etc.), I've been mercilessly criticized by her sons (one in particular), at the time and post-fall for not looking after their mom properly.


This even happened in the ER itself when I notified them of her location and of what had happened. Note that neither son has ever visited more than once a year during our 25 year marriage even though they live under an hour away. (One doesn't even know the way here without me providing directions.) Once when their mother was in a physical rehab facility for 3 months, they never once even visited her. My own children (3 of whom are local) love my wife and help frequently. Until the falling incident, while I was disappointed in their lack of support, I'd never exchanged even a cross word with the stepsons. My wife won't say anything to her sons to let them know they are hurting her and me. She just can't bring herself to do that. I've tried several times to mend things with them, but it's been completely fruitless. So now I just choose to avoid as much contact as possible. I'm curious what others may have done in a similar situation.

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This is a second marriage for me also. Keep doing what you are doing. Ignore the two step-sons! Cross them off your Christmas list. Take care of your wife and yourself.
I consider myself luck. I have a wonderful step-daughter. We are both on the same wavelength when it come to my husband's well being.

Hoping you and your wife the very best!
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Peter, they are psychologically projecting their own feelings onto you. Don’t buy into it - safeguard your mental health.
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Peter P ... Your stepsons bad behaviour is very disappointing especially when you don't deserve that. I find it handy to remember it is THEIR bad behaviour not yours and they don't define who you are. I think you are wise to avoid much contact and I was pleased to read you have your 3 children nearby who do give support you and your wife. You are doing a what is sometimes a difficult job with love. Keep those who show their love and support close and keep distance from the troublemakers.
Wishing you and your wife the best.
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Stay strong PeterP. You are an amazing person and obviously love your wife dearly. THAT is what matters. Children who refuse to honor and respect their parents will live to regret their actions or inactions later. My mom had dementia and did forget who some of her sons, nephews, nieces, grandchildren were, especially the ones who wouldn't visit her. I would tell them, if you don't visit often, don't be upset that she doesn't recognize who you are. It sounds to me that you are doing your best to keep the lines of communication going. Stay strong. Best to you and your dear wife.
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Hi - I’ve read all these great responses, and in rereading the original post, I may be off base but I don’t hear ongoing criticism, just focus around one event: her fall a year ago. *Accidents happen.* Those sons don’t have the benefit of experience in this. And people who get in worse and worse condition become more likely to fall. This surely was an event that moved things forward, but it’s one event. It’s easy for all of us to second-guess any accident after it happens... and I hope YOU are not having trouble moving past that. One way to see life is as the miracle of all the accidents that didn’t happen or we survive. My stepmother just dropped my father in the garage the other day, he’s suffered trauma from that, and I’d never blame her in a million years! She’s been keeping him from falling all the other times. Be well, be blessed.
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anonymous841475 Sep 2018
I'm not sure I get the gist of your reply. Her sons are aware of her deteriorating condition even well before the fall. I have always informed them of what was going on and doctor's orders. Always. While they had never gone out of their way before, this was the first time they ever blew up at me. I was, at the time, consumed with getting my wife the care she needed in an emergency situation. They made an incredibly difficult and life-threatening situation so much more stressful and difficult than it needed to be. I'm beyond even able to fathom their thinking.
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They probably never wanted their mom to marry you and are still harboring resentment. I agree with all the posts above that tell you to consider the source. I do have one warning. If she has her own money, keep accurate records. When she passes they could come after you. Keep all records. I have seen some genuinely mean hateful people in this world.

Hugs to you and your wife. Remember, to take some time for yourself.
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Hello PeterP,

My husband and I dealt with the same challenges with his sibling while we were the primary caregivers for his mother who lived with us, but your situation sounds worse as you're dealing with more than one.

From your comment regarding their lack of their prior concerns; "Note that neither son has ever visited more than once a year during our 25 year marriage even though they live under an hour away." my first thought is perhaps deep down they're dealing with their own guilt, and in turn they are shifting the blame onto your shoulders - coming out in the form of criticism toward you and your efforts. It may be too that they are just not emotionally available to realize they haven't cared, nor have the desire to be involved.

With my own situation, what I came to grips with over time; is that I figured my husbands sibling was possibly just not emotionally cut out to deal with the situation, and harbouring her own guilt she displaced that onto my husband (and I, but mostly toward my spouse).
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I have a difficulty with a daughter, and the conclusion my husband and I have come to is that we are better off with as little contact as possible. When I think about it, it stresses me out big time, and the stress correlates with illness even when you can't pinpoint causation. Your wife may be doing the right thing by avoiding a confrontation. I'd suggest one snail mail letter saying 'please let me know if you would like any information, have any suggestions for her care, or are planning to visit', and just leave it at that. I say snail mail, because emails do get swamped and somehow they don't pack the punch (at the time or as evidence) as a copy of a signed dated letter. Then try not to talk about them or think of them. Heal your hearts, don't pick at the wound.
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anonymous841475 Sep 2018
Hi Margaret, Thnaks for your reply. I've tried the snail mail reply three separate times. It has not helped. The one response I got from the most antagonistic of the sons was that "he was in a good place and wanted to keep it that way." I took that to mean he's washed his hands of things and was done with me. He also finish by telling me "he just didn't like me." Not much to say versus a reply like that. The gist I'm getting from most of the replies here (which I do very much appreciate) is to just ignore the step sons, but cover my butt. So noted.
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Hi Peter P.,
By now you've realized that the best offer you will get from your stepsons is advice. Your wife is unable to voice her disappointment, and you are not obligated to them, other than trying to remain civil. These part-time sons, or perhaps, seasonal family members, ALWAYS know what to say. Their words can be hurtful. So, you can calmly tell them they have succeeded in that respect, however, when it comes to your wife, actions, not words, are helpful. I had two brothers, whom I loved, but didn't like...the younger one has since, found reality. The stepsons have no say, unless their mother's care is part of their day. If their hands ever had to provide ANY personal care for a full 24 hours, they wouldn't be so judgemental. I'm guessing that they feel as if they're not going to inherit anything, so, why should they pretend to care? You and your wife can honor those feelings by leaving them some sound advice,"take care of your elders".
Remember, you are taking care of your wife, they are not taking care of their mother. My parents are gone now, but I sleep well...my brothers will never be able to make amends. Their regrets are already made with their indifference.
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anonymous841475 Sep 2018
Once when I left my wife in the care of one son while I took a much needed break (before the falling incident last year) I told him all he needed to do was three things: make sure she didn't go up and down stairs alone; make sure she took her medications; and make sure she tested her blood sugar and took her insulin. His answer to me was that "he wasn't going to be her nursemaid." I've never left her with him again.
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Dear Peter, I live in Europe, am active as a caregiver to caregivers and a longtime caregiver myself. Here we would say Chapeau, I take my hat off for you. Your story sounds very familiar, you hear these sad stories everywhere. So across the ocean... do not spend to much energy to this. I know from experience this non nuanced criticism hurts, it is unfair. Try to not let it get to you, it is hard, yet practice makes perfect. People tend to throw accusations in order to justify their (bad) behaviour. Take good care. Brussels, elena.
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anonymous841475 Sep 2018
Thank you Elena. It's been a difficult year. I appreciate the feedback. Nearly everyone has been quite supportive. Most importantly, my wife and I are happy with each other and the support that is provided.
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Personally, I would have no contact with them. If you get a phone call and they want to know how their mom is, either hand her the phone to talk with them or you tell them if they want to know then come and see her. You are through being the middle man. They are not worth the stress or effort. If they text or email you, I would respond the same way. I wouldn’t give them any info unless they were standing in front of you and your wife. If your wife wants to speak with them, dial the number and hand her the phone. To me this is elder abuse on their part. Sorry if I sound harsh.
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anonymous841475 Sep 2018
You do not sound harsh at all. If one of them calls, I screen the call and then let my wife know they called so she can call back. I just can't handle hearing their voices. But I don't want to stand in the way of their communicating with their mom. Thank you for your support.
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My brother lives in VA and I live in FL. I took care of my late parents. Mind you, I have severe cerebral palsy. It was very hard to take care of them and especially when I had to make the decisions for them. My brother is 13 yrs. older than me. He has a family and a job in VA. He used to come down to see us about once a year. However, when our parents have gotten worse, he still visited once a year because of his job. However, he did call my parents once or twice a month to check on them. Still I felt like he did not come as often as he should when he knew that it was at the end of our parents' lives. My mom called my brother about 5 days before she passed away and told him that she needed him. So, my brother came and visited, but he arrived too late and he really felt bad about it.

So, continue helping your wife and don’t worry about her sons. What is goes around comes around to hunt your step sons. Think about hiring an in-home agency and hiring an extra caregiver because since you’re in 70s, you’re going to get worn out quicker than you think.
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I feel your pain. If I am in your situation, I would move, change zip codes and numbers. These kind of human creatures don’t have a place in the stressful situation you already have. They just add to it. I agree with Ahmijoy, WRITE OFF. Just concentrate on caring for your wife. Their words should mean nothing at this point.
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I would contact them via a phone call, mail, text and state that you have listened to their complaints about their Mom and how you are handling the situation. I would tell them it would be a good idea if you all could get together with them to discuss how you could alleviate their fears and would welcome some positive feedback from them. Then I would suggest a day or time that they could come over and give some input into the care of their Mom. I don't believe that they will take you up on that invitation. And if they don't then I would tell them that since they are not willing to give some constructive help with a round table discussion then you would appreciate them to "man" up and when they are willing to act like matured, constructive sons that then they should "butt" out. And I would no longer give them "updates" on their Mother's condition. And I would also keep a journal of the care you are giving your wife with dates, time and money spent on her care. I have a feeling that when their Mother passes, you may not hear the last of them.
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What a good guy you are.

I'd tell the stepsons to let me know if they want an update. If they don't ever initiate then don't bother. Your doctors, relatives and friends can see the good job you're doing so you're safe. That said, keep good records in case you ever need them, as mentioned in the comment above.
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Realize that this happens frequently, whether it is steps, sibs, natural children, everyone. Some find this a way to relieve their guilt for not being more involved. Use it as a way to justify their non-involvement, their lack of caring. They think they are helping when it is actually the complete opposite. Increasing the caregiver's stress level to say nothing of the sick loved one.

What can you do? Nothing, to change the behaviors. What can you do is to realize that they simply feel powerless, and they are. You cherish those close to you that think you are doing a fine job, and leave it at that.
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You tried to include your stepsons into your wife's life. Obviously they don't want anything more than the yearly visit. Your wife sees the differences between your kids and hers. She will rationalize that your kids are there for her because they live closer. She will accept her sons decision to visit her once a year. She doesn't want to rock the boat by asking to see them more - because they may decide to not visit next time. She knows. She sees. And she doesn't want to face the reality that your kids care for her more than her own kids. It's time to back off. The stepsons made it obvious that they are happy for the yearly visit - no matter what happens to their mother.

I agree that you should still update them by email preferably of their mom's status. If ever a time they decide to accuse you of hiding things about their mother's health, you have the email trails as proof that you did tell them.

As for the one who constantly criticizes you.... As long as your family, friends and the medical community knows that you've been doing your best, then take note of their opinions... For years, people have criticized me for not doing more for my mom. I cried a lot because I paid attention to their opinions.... I tell you this much, when my bedridden dad (5 years from stroke) was in the ER, the ER doctor was amazed how his whole body's skin was in very good condition. No rashes, no bedsores. She was very impressed with me. So, as long as those people important to you think you're doing a good job, then ignore the steps.
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anonymous841475 Sep 2018
Thanks for the information. It is helpful to me. My wife's primary doctor and her brother have both told me they are fully aware of the good care I provide for my wife. Your note confirms to me that I'm doing the right stuff and that the stepsons have just decided to not be involved and have strong feelings of guilt. Thank you.
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This is called a “write-off”. They are her sons in name only. It sounds like your children are more her’s than her birth children. Her sons most likely feed off each other. Strength in numbers and all that. You have extended yourself to make peace with and get them involved with their mom. It hasn’t been successful. You’ve gotten zero cooperation from them or from your wife. Stop trying and concentrate on your wife. If you have contact with them via text or email, give weekly reports on their mother’s condition but don’t expect answers. Ignore any criticism. If an answer contains denigrating remarks, immediately delete it. If you happen to speak with them on the phone, if the conversation turns to criticism, you have something on the stove that suddenly needs your attention. Hang up. These “children” deserve no more than that. Treat them like the annoying housefly that right now is buzzing around my head and swat them away.
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jacobsonbob Sep 2018
No, it would be good to keep the negative emails somewhere as a "record" of how they treated PeterP. Some day he may want or need evidence of their behavior.
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I would ask them for any suggestion they might have for taking better care of her, not in a sarcastic tone but as if your really looking for a good suggestion from them.
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