Anyone dealing with suspicious or paranoid elders?

With dementia and aging, my parents know that anything that is missing has been stolen. It could be a ruler, light bulb or a piece of paper. Once I locate it,
the stealing issue is forgotten or they say someone else came in and moved it.
I have been accused of all types of crimes by my father from grand larceny to
petty theft. I no longer pay attention. The paranoia gets worse and worse. I used to ask my mom why she did certain things - hide the depends, etc. I no longer ask because she doesn't know. She will eat something that she has eaten for 85 years and will say she has never had this food before - I now ask do you like it? Would you eat again? I have learned the very hard way - do not argue. As I have posted before, the people who give the most care will get the most abuse and the most accusations leveled against them. Since they have a lot of time on their hands - they look for things to become upset about. They didn't get served first in the dining room, they had to wait for meds or someone didn't do something exactly right. They worry over little things and make them into really big issues. I, like Pam, wait before jumping though hoops for certain requests - each day has about 10 things that are desperately needed, although they may already have the items there. I go on a scavenger hunt on a regular basis in their apartment so I am not spending hours buying things they don't need or already have. Please have your mom evaluated. It won't make it easier to deal with her, but you will be able to understand that nothing you are doing is causing your mom's forgetfulness or paranoia. It will also help you understand that there is nothing you can do to fix it.

I suggest getting your mother evaluated under any pretext that will work. It is time for her tetanus booster shot. The clinic wants to update the files for all their patients over 80. The insurance company insists on a annual physical as a baseline at this time. Anything she will accept is fair game. Before the appointment write a brief but detailed note to the doctor about your concerns. Perhaps make a list with each point bulletted. Accompany her into the exam room if she will let you, or arrange to talk to the doctor alone.

Paranoia is extremely common in some forms of dementia. Because they are worried about having things stolen, they hide them. Then they forget that they hid them and that "confirms" to them that someone is stealing things.

It is very unlikely that your mother can continue on her own indefinitely if she as dementia of any kind. It would be worthwhile finding out what she has sooner rather than later, for planning purposes. Getting a doctor involved also opens the possibility of drugs to treat symptoms.

ejwachter, from what you wrote, sounds like your Mom is dealing with memory issues, and with dementia/Alzheimer's it will only get worse, not better. There will be a time in the near future where your Mom won't be able to live on her own... I know she might not like moving to Assistant Living but it would be for her own safety.... or the siblings chip in and hire someone to live with her 24/7.

Another suggestion, have her doctor check her for an urinary tract infection as those can cause an elder to become angry and suspicious.

It sounds like your mom has the beginnings of dementia that is more than just memory loss. My mom has severe memory loss, but has never been paranoid or accused me of stealing things. You guys need to keep a close eye on her and get her to a geriatric physician who can test her for possible Alzheimers or some other form of dementia. If it's Alzheimers, arguing with her or trying to get her to remember things is pointless. Her brain is broken and she just can't do it.

If it's just purely memory loss, you could tape a conversation with her on a smart phone (or tape recorder) or have her sign a document that she agrees with X/Y/Z and hold it to show to her. Or better keep it in her place, so she doesn't think you've taken it and altered it.

But I really think there is more than just memory loss going on and things will probably get much worse - and she will get to where she shouldn't be living alone.

Blannie, I appreciate your thoughts. In my case, I would have husband sign a document that he agrees with XYZ and I would hold it to show him. Then he would say that I made him sign it and that he was under pressure to sign it.

The first bit of advice I would give you is that you not take anything personally. My mom passed away at 92 years of age and she suffered from dementia for many years. I totally get that your mom's comments can be stinging, hurtful, and very confusing to even you, as her caregiver. Once I decided to dry my tears, shelve my anger, and begin to think strategically, my life as a caregiver to a parent with severe dementia became more tolerable. I found that my mother directed most of her anger toward me instead of my siblings because I was the one who was providing the care she needed. I know in my heart that she knew she could say these things to me with no repercussions because of the immense, unconditional love I had for her. This may or may not have been the case with my sisters. You know at times that we say hurtful things to the ones we love the most. Secondly, I would suggest you find a good gerontologist -- not just the general doctor. This is the toughest job. if your mom is referred to a psychiatrist, don't assume the general medical doctor will communicate with the psychiatrist. Medications are often prescribed in isolation of the other professionals who work with the elderly. Pay close attention to the drugs doctors will recommend to "take the edge off." These drugs are many times psychotropic drugs with a myriad of side effects. Many times agitation or paranoia in the elderly could be due to UTI's or dehydration - the main culprit! I wish you the very best. from someone who totally gets it! B.T.

If you get her evaluated and she has Alzheimers, they might be able to give her medications to lessen her paranoia. That would be the major reason to have her checked out. Does someone have Power of Attorney for her? If not, get one ASAP while she can still designate someone. At some point, you may need to go for guardianship if that's necessary. Also go to Youtube.com and watch the Teepa Snow videos about dementia. You might get some good ideas from her about how to deal with your mom. Good luck and keep us posted.

It's not so much that they have time on their hands, it's that their grownup reasoning ability is shot. People with dementias often become very self referential and don't understand why anyone else might need to go first.

EJ, you have to think of this like taking your child to the pediatrician for vaccines. Not pleasant, but life saving. No they are not children, but YOU can see symptoms of mental decline, she cannot. Therapeutic fibbing of the sort that Jeanne suggests is often the way to go ( it's because of Obamacare, Mom).

This is a phase most seniors with dementia go through.Generally, it's the fear that they are losing their mind by forgetting what they did or where they put things.It's much easier to blame someone else.You can't reason with them.They are in a panic.Part of them knows that the time is coming when they will become dependent on others for help and they dread the day.The more upset or obsessed over their situation they become, the more their memory fails them.It's a stage they are going through and all you can do is weather the storm with patience.