How do I deal with a mother that is not senile, but is just plain mean?

Great advice from all. Look in the mirror and imagine that you will become exactly like your mother if you do not do something about it. That's the image you need to retain in your mind to motivate you. Grab a friend who will push and remind you to work towards your goal of taking back your life and reestablishing your family. You do not want to become to your children what your mother has been to you. Good luck!

I can relate to this somewhat, at least. My father can no longer care for himself and refused help from anyone except my sister. He was driving her crazy. Finally convinced him to go to an ALF. He hated it and constantly demanded to be moved, let out, etc. Really would like to live with one of us, but that would never really work as we are too different and he is too demanding, cannot navigate stairs, incontinent, etc. He finally got a touch on pneumonia and went to the hospital then a rehab facility. We finally found a place that would accept him with a catheter. Some ALFs won't. He's been there one day and already demanding "get me outta here!". Seems he doesn't have a call button and the staff won't get him coffee in the evening because the kitchen is closed. Now I expect him to begin calling in the middle of the night; that's what he usually does then the phone must be unplugged in order to get some sleep.

If you were trying to fix some childhood issues by having your mom move in with you, I hope you realize that was futile. Any repair must begin with her acknowledging the mistakes she made and apologizing for them. There's a snowball's chance in hell that will happen though. I would try to get her out of your house as soon as possible. You've done all you can do. God bless you.

I have exactly the same Mother! She was not nice to me as a child.I got fed and clothed,but that was about it.No affection,dont think she liked me very much.Told me she wanted a boy.My father was great,loving and giving.When he died 11 years ago,I realized what he had to put up with,She DOES have dementia now,and its hard to tell,because she is the same now as she was before.I tried so hard with her when she got sick,tried to look after her at home,she would call the police,saying I had stolen her money,and locked her out.She would not take her medication,and accuse me of everything.She has hit me with a walking stick,and slapped me.I dont know why she had a child,I have 3,and 4 Grandchildren,and I just dont understand it.It has thought me so much about being a decent parent.I could write a book on it all.I used to think it was me! When my Middle son went to visit,he came back,really shocked and said"why is she so vile"
She was eventually taken into hospital,because she would not let me help with anything.Sometimes when she didnt let me in,I would drive all the way home and then she would ring me,it was ALL games with her.When she was released from hospital,i made the decision to put her in a Nursing home.I tried with her,but realized if she came home,me and my family would have a dogs life(worse)
So she is taken care off,I am so much happier,and seriously have no guilt.

All you can do is try,but then thats not always enough.For once" ElderlyandADHD" ,do what is right for you and your family.

I was an only child till I was 15. My mom had me at a young age so it was not unusual for my brother to be born. My Dad was the love of my life and my saving grace. He passed almost 25 years ago. My Mom is a non school educated very smart street kid. She is mean, opinionated, stubborn, and always has to be right. My dad told me before he died that he felt my ex husband was just like my mom. Notice he is an ex. Why the long story? Simply to say that we are so tied to our blood relatives sometimes we forget that we also have our own life and it is the only one we have permission to orchestrate. We can only be truly responsible for cleaning up and maintaining our side of the street. Not to say that Al Anon and Coda are not great places to go , they are. First and foremost we must admit that we have a problem. The minute someone is "doing something to you and or your family" you have given up control. You become a victim.No one does anything to you emotionally without your permission. Guilt is huge we have it ingrained like a tatoo. That being said we are the decision makers. Why? Because we are the ONLY ones who have to live with the consequence of the decisions we make. After a lifetime of living a certain way we forget that we can make a decision to do things a different way. If you can not on your own, get help. If you can not afford help then find support groups. I guess what I am saying is when we find ourselves at our wits end the strength has to come from within to do "something", Anything.
Feeling sad is also a strong sign of depression. Very powerful and must be checked into. Find a friend who might be willing to come with you to a dr. a support group or just be willing to say let's make a game plan. Being upset, feeling helpless will not change a thing, Most of us know the definition of insanity right?
Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. Also like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. Sorry do not mean to be trivial, been there done that and it took courage, perseverance and my desire to save my three daughters. I had a mean ex husband and my 82 year old mom is better but will be who she is for as long as she lives. We can not change them, only ourselves.. Good luck

I can relate to many of the responses above. Your teens are probably rebelling in a subtle way "passive/agressive" because "meanness rubs off"! Your mother is your past -- your children are your future. Please consider moving your mother to a facility and get your life back with your kids before it is too late.

You've described my mother to a "T!" She did many of the very same things to me when I was young and worse. She was institutionalized and diagnosed with Bipolar II and a borderline personality disorder. She's very destructive, cruel and has very little control over her own emotions; even on medications.
We have never been able to live together for very long and she has wrecked havoc with her finances so many times that she had no where else to go, as her son is just like her.
Due to all of this, we have already made the decision that once my mother is hospitalized (for whatever) and can no longer care for herself, we will have her transferred to a nursing home; but she must stay in the hospital for at least 3 to 4 days.
Talk to her doctor. See about having her admitted for something!!! Once it's determined she can no longer care for herself, have her moved to a nursing home. The social workers on staff will assist you in working down her assets so that she can qualify for medicaid and once this happens, she'll remain there.
This may sound cruel, but it's your emotional health, your families too and the best place for someone like this.
This is exactly what will happen to my mother once she reaches the state that she can no longer care for herself. You can't even begin to imagine all the things she's done to others in her life. It's like a Stephen King novel, but real!

I think your efforts are commendable. However, I think you need to have a heart to heart with Mom. If she is unhappy and her presence is upsetting your family life, a change is needed. She may be mean because she is mentall off or it has been a life pattern not likely to change at 92 unless she wants to change.

If she is smart she will try to live happily with you and your family. Most elderly would love to have time with their teenage grandchildren. They would make sure she isn't lonely while you and your spouse work.

But back to Mom, tell her if she isn't happy and your family isn't happy with her there, she will be the one leaving for a nursing home (if she is low on resources-medicaid will fine a placement--then she will indeed be eating "slop"). Or she can go to her own home and hire out a live in aide but she will have to shape up and not abuse them verbally as they will not stay. She will not have a caring family member at either option. Let her know that you will make the call. She will have to adjust at either living arrangement. Current behavior isn't going to
continue. It is disrespectful to your family and it will not be tolerated.

Finally I am an only child and I know this is very difficult to do. But your first
loyalty is to your children and husband. Your mother can't poison the home you have worked to create.

Mom may shape up if she knows she is on her way out of the family home. Perhaps a brief visit to a respite nursing home for a week or two would drive the point home to her if she is a slow learner.

Good luck.
Elizabeth

I have a similar issue with teens. My MIL is mean, mean, mean. She does not like our teen son. He is a very good kid, but he is a teen. I am starting to see how her picking on him, and us not putting a stop to it, is affecting him. It is not good. How long has your mother been living with you? We have only been doing this for. Few months, and the impact is very obvious. He also hates his grandmother. That is sad, but I can't blame him. I think we need to find a way to get these nasty women out of our homes.

Janeirene,
First, good luck and take care of yourself! You are in a difficult space but at least you have some distance from your in laws so dealing with them without guilt should be something you can accomplish. Tell your mother-in-law plainly that she is not getting what she wants by being mean. That you are not going to put up with it, and t the staff will be less responsive to her if she is verbally abusive. Odds are she has much more control over her behavior that she has exercised over the years. I have seen elderly patients in nursing homes, with a long history of abuse behavior, be trained to behave by the staff. For some, it is the first time in their lives, they are being given limits and since they are not able to do things for themselves, they are forced to alter their nasty behavior. Discussing a plan of this sort with the head nurse in charge of your mother-in-law's care is a good idea that way the staff can explain to her plainly and clearly that she will always get the care to which she is entitled but she will not get nice extra visits etc because people are more likely to visit people who are nice.

Also keep in mind, that sometimes this verbally abusive behavior is the result of dementia or in women, urinary tract infections. But, keep your spirits up and head high.

Janeirene, simply change your phone number. Don't give it out to mil. Take back your life. Blessings

I have a mother-in-law who is mean. I finally got both her and her husband in a nursing home....and she is still mean.....with the staff, the nurses, the patients. Complains about not being tended to quickly enough and about the food. It just never ends. MY mil is 85 years old...will be 86 in February, her husband is 94...will be 95 in January. She had been back and forth to the hospital for various ailments, when she was finally admitted to nursing home. My Father in law fell when he was being interviewed by the case workers, and they had him transported to the hospital then the nursing home. He has anger issues about being there, and not being able to drive!! Can you believe that? I am trying to empty out their home of 75 years of stuff....They only have one son left...my husband who is very little help. Their daughter died 3 years ago with cancer. So here I am...my parents passed at their home 10 and 6 years ago. My sisters were there to help. I am at my wit's ends with my MIL calling me telling be to bring items of clothing, wigs, candy, shoes....what ever. I have pitched most of their stuff out. I feel for you dealing with your Mom. Take care of yourself....you are going to need it!!

If your mother cannot afford (financially or physically) to live on her own, then tell her if she continues her hurtful behavior, she will have to go to a nursing home on Medicaid. The real problem does not lie with your Mother or children; it is the fact that you will not stand up to them and follow through on such statements. You probably think of yourself as very kind and loving (which I am sure you are) but in reality your are enabling them to be the Monsters that they are. If you cannot find a support group, go to Al-Anon and see how you are so much like the wife or daughter or mother who enables her loved ones as they continue to drink and become alcoholics.....just substitute alcoholism with Monsterism! Rescue yourself before you get sick...you are being very cruel to yourself. You would not treat anyone else that way.

You have to get your mother out of your house. Assuming she cannot live on her own, locate a nursing facility with a good reputation that is not too far away from you, and start the process to get her in. Getting an admit to a nursing home is a lot easier from a hospital than it is from your house. If she is 92, there is probably a reason for her to be in the hospital (sorry to sound so cynical but there usually is). In most cases, she would need to be in the hospital for a few days and then a case manager at the hospital can line up some nursing homes for her. You need to get yourself and your kids some help. It sounds like you are stretched past breaking point already (you refer to your children as monsters) and likely they feel greatly burdened by this miserable woman as well. Take care of them as you were not taken care of by your mother. Importantly, you should be clear with everyone about what you are doing. Tell your mother you cannot care for her because you have your own responsibilities and she is so mean she is disrupting your household. Tell your kids, you are not going to continue to expose them to her daily abuse and make clear to them that you all need a new beginning, which will include caring for one another in a kind and civilized way. Then remember they are teenagers.... Above all, do not feel guilty for not caring for her in your home. You cannot kill the healthy chicken (you) to make soup for the sick one (your mother)! Take care of yourself and then your kids.

If your mother isn't rich enough to live on her own and have servants, then she is poor. Have you told her to move out, support herself and hire a cook? And as far as your kids, they are old enough to wash their own clothes, cook for themselves and clean their own rooms. Do they both have jobs? They should. Stop doing so much. Go on strike and make these ungrateful jerks do for themselves. Otherwise, you are headed for some health problems from all the stress.