How do I deal with a mother that is not senile, but is just plain mean?

If your mother isn't rich enough to live on her own and have servants, then she is poor. Have you told her to move out, support herself and hire a cook? And as far as your kids, they are old enough to wash their own clothes, cook for themselves and clean their own rooms. Do they both have jobs? They should. Stop doing so much. Go on strike and make these ungrateful jerks do for themselves. Otherwise, you are headed for some health problems from all the stress.

You have to get your mother out of your house. Assuming she cannot live on her own, locate a nursing facility with a good reputation that is not too far away from you, and start the process to get her in. Getting an admit to a nursing home is a lot easier from a hospital than it is from your house. If she is 92, there is probably a reason for her to be in the hospital (sorry to sound so cynical but there usually is). In most cases, she would need to be in the hospital for a few days and then a case manager at the hospital can line up some nursing homes for her. You need to get yourself and your kids some help. It sounds like you are stretched past breaking point already (you refer to your children as monsters) and likely they feel greatly burdened by this miserable woman as well. Take care of them as you were not taken care of by your mother. Importantly, you should be clear with everyone about what you are doing. Tell your mother you cannot care for her because you have your own responsibilities and she is so mean she is disrupting your household. Tell your kids, you are not going to continue to expose them to her daily abuse and make clear to them that you all need a new beginning, which will include caring for one another in a kind and civilized way. Then remember they are teenagers.... Above all, do not feel guilty for not caring for her in your home. You cannot kill the healthy chicken (you) to make soup for the sick one (your mother)! Take care of yourself and then your kids.

If your mother cannot afford (financially or physically) to live on her own, then tell her if she continues her hurtful behavior, she will have to go to a nursing home on Medicaid. The real problem does not lie with your Mother or children; it is the fact that you will not stand up to them and follow through on such statements. You probably think of yourself as very kind and loving (which I am sure you are) but in reality your are enabling them to be the Monsters that they are. If you cannot find a support group, go to Al-Anon and see how you are so much like the wife or daughter or mother who enables her loved ones as they continue to drink and become alcoholics.....just substitute alcoholism with Monsterism! Rescue yourself before you get sick...you are being very cruel to yourself. You would not treat anyone else that way.

I have a mother-in-law who is mean. I finally got both her and her husband in a nursing home....and she is still mean.....with the staff, the nurses, the patients. Complains about not being tended to quickly enough and about the food. It just never ends. MY mil is 85 years old...will be 86 in February, her husband is 94...will be 95 in January. She had been back and forth to the hospital for various ailments, when she was finally admitted to nursing home. My Father in law fell when he was being interviewed by the case workers, and they had him transported to the hospital then the nursing home. He has anger issues about being there, and not being able to drive!! Can you believe that? I am trying to empty out their home of 75 years of stuff....They only have one son left...my husband who is very little help. Their daughter died 3 years ago with cancer. So here I am...my parents passed at their home 10 and 6 years ago. My sisters were there to help. I am at my wit's ends with my MIL calling me telling be to bring items of clothing, wigs, candy, shoes....what ever. I have pitched most of their stuff out. I feel for you dealing with your Mom. Take care of yourself....you are going to need it!!

Janeirene, simply change your phone number. Don't give it out to mil. Take back your life. Blessings

Janeirene,
First, good luck and take care of yourself! You are in a difficult space but at least you have some distance from your in laws so dealing with them without guilt should be something you can accomplish. Tell your mother-in-law plainly that she is not getting what she wants by being mean. That you are not going to put up with it, and t the staff will be less responsive to her if she is verbally abusive. Odds are she has much more control over her behavior that she has exercised over the years. I have seen elderly patients in nursing homes, with a long history of abuse behavior, be trained to behave by the staff. For some, it is the first time in their lives, they are being given limits and since they are not able to do things for themselves, they are forced to alter their nasty behavior. Discussing a plan of this sort with the head nurse in charge of your mother-in-law's care is a good idea that way the staff can explain to her plainly and clearly that she will always get the care to which she is entitled but she will not get nice extra visits etc because people are more likely to visit people who are nice.

Also keep in mind, that sometimes this verbally abusive behavior is the result of dementia or in women, urinary tract infections. But, keep your spirits up and head high.

I have a similar issue with teens. My MIL is mean, mean, mean. She does not like our teen son. He is a very good kid, but he is a teen. I am starting to see how her picking on him, and us not putting a stop to it, is affecting him. It is not good. How long has your mother been living with you? We have only been doing this for. Few months, and the impact is very obvious. He also hates his grandmother. That is sad, but I can't blame him. I think we need to find a way to get these nasty women out of our homes.

I think your efforts are commendable. However, I think you need to have a heart to heart with Mom. If she is unhappy and her presence is upsetting your family life, a change is needed. She may be mean because she is mentall off or it has been a life pattern not likely to change at 92 unless she wants to change.

If she is smart she will try to live happily with you and your family. Most elderly would love to have time with their teenage grandchildren. They would make sure she isn't lonely while you and your spouse work.

But back to Mom, tell her if she isn't happy and your family isn't happy with her there, she will be the one leaving for a nursing home (if she is low on resources-medicaid will fine a placement--then she will indeed be eating "slop"). Or she can go to her own home and hire out a live in aide but she will have to shape up and not abuse them verbally as they will not stay. She will not have a caring family member at either option. Let her know that you will make the call. She will have to adjust at either living arrangement. Current behavior isn't going to
continue. It is disrespectful to your family and it will not be tolerated.

Finally I am an only child and I know this is very difficult to do. But your first
loyalty is to your children and husband. Your mother can't poison the home you have worked to create.

Mom may shape up if she knows she is on her way out of the family home. Perhaps a brief visit to a respite nursing home for a week or two would drive the point home to her if she is a slow learner.

Good luck.
Elizabeth

You've described my mother to a "T!" She did many of the very same things to me when I was young and worse. She was institutionalized and diagnosed with Bipolar II and a borderline personality disorder. She's very destructive, cruel and has very little control over her own emotions; even on medications.
We have never been able to live together for very long and she has wrecked havoc with her finances so many times that she had no where else to go, as her son is just like her.
Due to all of this, we have already made the decision that once my mother is hospitalized (for whatever) and can no longer care for herself, we will have her transferred to a nursing home; but she must stay in the hospital for at least 3 to 4 days.
Talk to her doctor. See about having her admitted for something!!! Once it's determined she can no longer care for herself, have her moved to a nursing home. The social workers on staff will assist you in working down her assets so that she can qualify for medicaid and once this happens, she'll remain there.
This may sound cruel, but it's your emotional health, your families too and the best place for someone like this.
This is exactly what will happen to my mother once she reaches the state that she can no longer care for herself. You can't even begin to imagine all the things she's done to others in her life. It's like a Stephen King novel, but real!

I can relate to many of the responses above. Your teens are probably rebelling in a subtle way "passive/agressive" because "meanness rubs off"! Your mother is your past -- your children are your future. Please consider moving your mother to a facility and get your life back with your kids before it is too late.

I was an only child till I was 15. My mom had me at a young age so it was not unusual for my brother to be born. My Dad was the love of my life and my saving grace. He passed almost 25 years ago. My Mom is a non school educated very smart street kid. She is mean, opinionated, stubborn, and always has to be right. My dad told me before he died that he felt my ex husband was just like my mom. Notice he is an ex. Why the long story? Simply to say that we are so tied to our blood relatives sometimes we forget that we also have our own life and it is the only one we have permission to orchestrate. We can only be truly responsible for cleaning up and maintaining our side of the street. Not to say that Al Anon and Coda are not great places to go , they are. First and foremost we must admit that we have a problem. The minute someone is "doing something to you and or your family" you have given up control. You become a victim.No one does anything to you emotionally without your permission. Guilt is huge we have it ingrained like a tatoo. That being said we are the decision makers. Why? Because we are the ONLY ones who have to live with the consequence of the decisions we make. After a lifetime of living a certain way we forget that we can make a decision to do things a different way. If you can not on your own, get help. If you can not afford help then find support groups. I guess what I am saying is when we find ourselves at our wits end the strength has to come from within to do "something", Anything.
Feeling sad is also a strong sign of depression. Very powerful and must be checked into. Find a friend who might be willing to come with you to a dr. a support group or just be willing to say let's make a game plan. Being upset, feeling helpless will not change a thing, Most of us know the definition of insanity right?
Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. Also like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. Sorry do not mean to be trivial, been there done that and it took courage, perseverance and my desire to save my three daughters. I had a mean ex husband and my 82 year old mom is better but will be who she is for as long as she lives. We can not change them, only ourselves.. Good luck

I have exactly the same Mother! She was not nice to me as a child.I got fed and clothed,but that was about it.No affection,dont think she liked me very much.Told me she wanted a boy.My father was great,loving and giving.When he died 11 years ago,I realized what he had to put up with,She DOES have dementia now,and its hard to tell,because she is the same now as she was before.I tried so hard with her when she got sick,tried to look after her at home,she would call the police,saying I had stolen her money,and locked her out.She would not take her medication,and accuse me of everything.She has hit me with a walking stick,and slapped me.I dont know why she had a child,I have 3,and 4 Grandchildren,and I just dont understand it.It has thought me so much about being a decent parent.I could write a book on it all.I used to think it was me! When my Middle son went to visit,he came back,really shocked and said"why is she so vile"
She was eventually taken into hospital,because she would not let me help with anything.Sometimes when she didnt let me in,I would drive all the way home and then she would ring me,it was ALL games with her.When she was released from hospital,i made the decision to put her in a Nursing home.I tried with her,but realized if she came home,me and my family would have a dogs life(worse)
So she is taken care off,I am so much happier,and seriously have no guilt.

All you can do is try,but then thats not always enough.For once" ElderlyandADHD" ,do what is right for you and your family.

I can relate to this somewhat, at least. My father can no longer care for himself and refused help from anyone except my sister. He was driving her crazy. Finally convinced him to go to an ALF. He hated it and constantly demanded to be moved, let out, etc. Really would like to live with one of us, but that would never really work as we are too different and he is too demanding, cannot navigate stairs, incontinent, etc. He finally got a touch on pneumonia and went to the hospital then a rehab facility. We finally found a place that would accept him with a catheter. Some ALFs won't. He's been there one day and already demanding "get me outta here!". Seems he doesn't have a call button and the staff won't get him coffee in the evening because the kitchen is closed. Now I expect him to begin calling in the middle of the night; that's what he usually does then the phone must be unplugged in order to get some sleep.

If you were trying to fix some childhood issues by having your mom move in with you, I hope you realize that was futile. Any repair must begin with her acknowledging the mistakes she made and apologizing for them. There's a snowball's chance in hell that will happen though. I would try to get her out of your house as soon as possible. You've done all you can do. God bless you.

Great advice from all. Look in the mirror and imagine that you will become exactly like your mother if you do not do something about it. That's the image you need to retain in your mind to motivate you. Grab a friend who will push and remind you to work towards your goal of taking back your life and reestablishing your family. You do not want to become to your children what your mother has been to you. Good luck!

My dad vented his anger at me for a year and a half after my mom died. He said mean things to me and was never grateful for all the things I did for him. He bad-mouthed me to my siblings, and convinced them I was treating him badly. I talked about my situation to a really nice friend who is a counsellor and she told me I was being abused and that I needed to withdraw. My problem was that I couldn't deal with the guilt and shame of leaving him on his own. So I decided to stop talking to him or at least say as little as possible. I guess you can call it the silent treatment. At first he was angry that I wasn't responding to what he had to say. I continued to care for him, but more like he was a stranger than my dad. I was very polite but did not take anything he said to me to heart. My dad complained that I was cold and unfriendly to my siblings and they called to ask me what was wrong with me. My husband and daughter also find my silence around my dad a bit strange as I am usually kind of chatty. But they see how less upset I am now even if things are kind of awkwardly silent around the house sometimes. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but it is the only thing that is keeping me from going insane. It's been going on for about three months now and he has calmed down a lot. I just don't know how long it will last.

When your Mother goes into the hospital next time (trust me there will be a next time) you have to be strong and not take her home. Once she is admitted to a hospital they are responsible for finding placement. Of course they will pressure you to take her home and even try guilt!! Just be a broken record - "I am no longer able to take care of my Mother in my home because it is not safe." You do not owe the social worker or the hospital any more information. Just tell them to do their job, find her placement because under NO circumstances will she be returning to your home. God bless

EderleyandADHD. You surely have alot to deal with. When I was young ADHD was called hyper. But whatever they call it now, don't them be defined by this. These children can be productive in society.Teenagers is another matter good luck.lol....Good old Mom, well I know you feel like u are doing the right thing by taking care of her,It's destroying your family life. You need a break or u are going to break. Sometimes enough is enough. You aren't failing if u put her in a home. You wil be doing the right thing. My husband and I left my MIL house where we were taking care of her. My husband was not getting along with his Mom arguing alot and I was always in the middle.MIL is manipulating She put herself in a wheel chair and will not walk. The PT said she is plenty stong enough to walk on walker. She refuses because she wants everyone to feel sorry for her. She has been dying now for 15 or 20 years now. Get your sanity back so you can spend time with your family. Mommie dearest needs to go. Good Luck.....

I think sometimes that our moms get mean because that is their only power. They are afraid and they have forgotten that they can catch more flies with honey.

Stay nice yourself. Try not every to match her with ugliness. It solves nothing and you will feel terrible. Then try to talk with her. If she gets ugly, walk away and try to talk with her another day. She may not realize what she is doing. She may not know that there are other ways to get the things she wants and needs.

She will likely pass away before you do and when it's all over, you will be comforted to know you remained kind.

Hopefully, she will listen to your calm conversation and she will try to be better. Don't give up on yourself. You have to take care of yourself and your family, first... in order to be able to help her at all. I hope you can find ways to enjoy your life!

I agree with all of the above. From experience I think you should get her out of your house. There are lovely facilities that have people with experience with handling people like your mother. You might feel guilty for a while so just go visit her once a week and eventually she will actually adjust to where she is. although, beware, that even there she will complain about you to everyone and try to manipulate you until you make it clear that you will not visit her if she behaves that way. As for the teenagers I would ask them to visit her occasionally (be with them) but not too often. They need to know why she is there and that you are taking care of her as best you can. Set an example for them as how to treat older adults for you will be old someday too! The kids are your priority right now as the teenage years may determine who they will be in the future. Make them come first , you com second and your mom last in priority. You need to feel that you are doing the right thing for everyone (including yourself)------Life is not easy---so do the best you can and don't look back!

I am so grateful for all your comments. After a lifetime of verbal abuse, I just can't stand another minute of my mother. Fortunately, I have wise, supportive friends who have encouraged my decision to remove my self from any responsibility for her care. I especially loved the line "don't kill the healthy chicken to make soup for the sick one" - I can't wait to share that with my sister.

ALF, Memory Care, or Nursing home. She might threaten to burn the place down like my mom did, but if you hold firm and have the staff on your side, it can work. Now mom has settled down, plus with the help of hospice (she has a chronic heart condition that qualifies for long term hospice) her blood pressure is under control and other meds make her more manageable. She still tries to manipulate me, but it's easier for my DH to support me with her out of the house and not interfering in daily life.

Until now I could not imagine anyone having a mother more mean than my 80 yr old mother who is mad at the world because she is old. She was independent until a year ago when she was crossing the streets of DC and was struck by a car. After a broken femur and crushed bones in her leg, it is only the grace of God that this 130lb person is walking again. We live out of state and as the only child I decided it would be best for her to move in with us. Well, her favorite line is "I am the meddling mother-in-law" who is so mean to say such a thing. She is not happy unless there is an argument....she thinks everything said to her is an attack. Oh and the insults are continuous. I have literally stopped talking to her and my grown daughter who has moved back to help.....deals with her. She fights my daughter also......and will go head to head with her on anything. I dread going downstairs and avoid looking at her at all costs. I have to get her out of our house! She only wants to go to a "nice" nursing home, and I feel obligated to comply with her requests. Her monthly checks will not cover all of the costs of a home ....we are moving toward an assisted living center again but we fear that she will go into the streets and get hit by a car again. They have free reign in the assisted centers. No one can understand the hell that the caretaker endures with these situations unless they have gone through it. I do not have a support system outside the home because people that I talk to say they have never had to deal with this issue and that their parents are not meant like that. I feel isolated and I am so ashamed of everything. My husband hates her now and he gets so angry and how she continues to do stupid things to upset everyone. We have no life with her here ...I am not even 50 yet and I feel so run down and tired. No one visits our home anymore and the one thing I love to do around the holidays ......I have to forego this year because of her presence. I love to bake but cannot and will not with her around. She lives in the downstairs area and the kitchen is on that floor, her energy is so negative that it leaves me drained. I never wanted to feel this way about her, and only wanted her to live her remaining years happy and peaceful.
I have finally gotten to the point-as Elizabeth stated in her post-of understanding that she is no longer and cannot be priority one. I have to place my daughter and my husband as top priority.
The one thing that has stood out for me through this entire process is the alienation of other family members and friends. It appears no one wants to hear about this type of thing or let alone be around it. Just sad-----

NH, NH, NH. I honestly swear I think some people are just too mean to die! Between two grandmothers and my own mother; those mean streaks are glue holding them together! I know this sounds horrible, but I've already stated that my mother will go straight into a NH when it comes her time. She has no worldly possessions, spends her SS check faster than it can come in and lives in my fathers old home, so she has nothing to keep her from getting medicaid when her time comes.
She smokes like a chimney, she is bipolar with a borderline personality disorder (of the meanest kind), so she has super highs and super lows and when gets her money, it's daily to the scratch offs! I don't know if there are more ashes or scratch off debris in the floorboard.
I'm not alone with these feelings. Everyone from her family and mine know exactly how mean and nasty she is. She showers her son (no I divorced him from my life forever ago) with sweet nothings and he takes all he can get. He got the same gene pool! I just thank goodness he's half a country away.
I may sound mean and nasty myself, but trust me, it took quite a bit of therapy to come to terms with these two individuals.
Look at it like this, if you didn't like them visiting or never cared for them in the first place; you certainly don't want them living with you, because a tiger never loses it's stripes.
There is nothing in the law that say "YOU" must be the one to care for them.
PS I was an advocate for individuals with special needs before I retired. There are places for people like this. Some are sick, some are just down right mean, but that doesn't mean you have to bear the burden.

Oh yes, a she just got her annual physical yesterday...................................lungs clear as a bell and healthy as a horse! Heart as sound as fiddle.
The women may outlive me!

My mother-in-law called me yesterday and informed me that I will be taking her to her heart doctor appointment. I told her that the Nursing Home will handle that....she said no...you take me. And then I want to go to lunch...this is the only Christmas I will have. I want you to hear what the doctor will say. She has a pacemaker, and the last time we went to the doctor he told her she will need a new battery soon. She thought about it, and decided against the battery. Now, all of a sudden, she wants the battery...but hope that she wakes up dead. Give me a break....my in-laws just seem to be living forever!! They are both in the same nursing home, different rooms...as they cannot be around each other due to arguments, cursing each other and whatever! She will be 89 in February and he will be 95 in January. The more I think about my parents and how they each died in their own home 4 years apart....although I miss them terribly...I am so grateful they went that way. If they had lingered like my in-laws.....I would have probably resented them. But my parents were always sweet and kind, unlike these two. Ugh!!

It's funny.... as I read these, and think if my own dear, sweet mom who could be super snippy at times and insisted that she wanted me to take her to have her pace maker checked and passed away recently...

Don't the scientists and doctors tell us that surrounding yourself with a community of loving friends and family will lead to a long life? Don't they say living naturally, off the land, growing and making your own food, for and with your family will help you live a long, long time? Living to 89 and 95 warehoused with other old, ill, sometimes unhappy people while being grumpy is pretty outstanding! I'm scientifically impressed by your in-laws who are defying science, by pushing their loved ones away and yet going strong.

Who are we to believe??? I for one am still going to try to be loving to my family and friends. It's a stumper sometimes!

ElderlyandADHD, the sad reality sounds like your mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder like borderline or narcissism and she is not going to change. Know that you did not make her that way. You can't control her. Nor can you fix her. All you can really do is to put yourself and your family on a healthy path despite what she choses to do or not to do. Boundaires are needed and I'd begin with I'm not having you poison my life and my families life and so go somewhere else to live or we will find somewhere else for you to live. I can understand your teenagers anger. How does your husband feel about all of this?

Janeirene, when your mil "informed" you that she wants you to go to the dr. appt -- did you ask "why?" This is an attention-getter and manipulation technique. My mother has been playing the "this may be my last holiday" scenario for years. She is almost 90 and keeps coming back like the energizer bunny. I wonder sometimes, how much longer am I going to be around? I'm only in my 50's and feel so very worn out. We do not know these things -- it's in God's hands. It's not fair for an older person, especially one who is mean, to play the "last holiday" scenario year after year. If you have a job that you will be losing wages from by taking the time off, then inform your mil of this and request a "fair reimbursement" for your time off. Oh, and unless you really like going to restaurants, don't let the "take me to lunch" be the payback. I got snookered into the same thing for years. I had to pay for gas and child care to be "repaid" by a salad or something "out" because she was wanting to go out. I really needed at least the cash for my time, just like she would've paid the hired caregiver, but she appeared "appalled" at the suggestion and never did directly answer my request. Now, my visits are limited and work around my schedule. Good luck, have faith and be strong for yourself.

onlyoneholly you reminded me of a lesson I learned very late.

Yes, ask for what you want. It may take you some time to think of what you want, but ask for it, because if you don't, you won't get it.

I spent years driving 45 minutes back and forth to mom's, then 45 minutes in the other direction back and forth to all her doctors. No gas money, no recognition for the wear and tear on my life, my car, my family...

Then someone said ask for what you want. So, very slowly ... I did. Not much, but I asked for gas money once in a while. It was really nice to get a full tank of gas sometimes when we went somewhere. Also, I needed boots that were water proof. When I got them, mom gave me the $50 for the warm water proof boots. It's not much, but she NEVER would have given anything, if I didn't tell her what I needed.

Later, she started telling me to tell her what I needed and I kept resisting, thinking she should give what SHE thinks I deserve, or what SHE wants to give, but she had no ideas herself. The only things she ever gave me where things I asked for.

Mostly, I asked her to ... Just say Thank You! That's all I wanted... Just recognize that I took time out of my day and acknowledge that I did a nice thing. That took a long time for her to do, but she did... she recognized and thanked me a lot the last few months she was here....

and I appreciate her so much for just saying thank you.

I had to ask for it, tho...

It is nice if your parent is able to thank you for your helping them but it isn't
first and foremost on their minds as they struggle with the aging process and
various disabling conditions. My father did thank me but it was not the rule rather the exception. I knew he appreciated my taking care of him. We were close and able to finish each others sentences. As caregivers, you know when they are happy in their home and with you. Don't get hung up on the small things. See the big picture, the love between you and your elderly parent.