How do I deal with a mother that is not senile, but is just plain mean?

There are some very good books on the market about relating to a family member who has BPD. The workbook for Stop Walking on Eggshells is almost better than the book itself. Understanding the Borderline Mother has a good chapter about the borderline queen-how to relate without being controlled by her. The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.

OneHolly- I do believe she is BPD. You are right on teaching my son coping mechanisms. That is a good idea. Does she have unresolved psychiatric issues? I am sure she does. She could keep a dr busy to the end of her days trying to figure it all out. Problem is, she will never see she has any issues. Since I am the DIL, my first priority is protecting my children from any negative impact her living here could have.

She probably has unresolved psychiatric issues that have little to do with you. Have her start psychotherapy. Try to get someone with a Phd.

Wit's End -- Please read some about Borderline Personality. She is trying to knock your son off the pedastal and cause conflict. Confusion and upset are thrilling to a Borderline. Even if your mil is not diagnosed as BPD, please take a look at how to deal with some of the behaviors; it will help you realize that you really are ok and perfectly normal. It will help to teach your teen some coping techniques. It will not make them "cocky," but the self-assurance they glean from coping will go a long way. I wish I had known all this 40+ years ago.
Good luck.

ElderlyandADHD- oh my gosh. Yes! My MIL believes she has some Yoda like wisdom and that we should all hang on her every word. Her favorite phrase is "listen to me. i have about a 1000 years of experience". The other day she was complaining about my son (again) to my husband. He was disagreeing with her assessment. She told him he was just the parent, she is a grandparent. She has more experience. It was very rude. We have also both noted that she has taken almost a sibling rivalry attitude towards our son. She seems to delight in tattling. No teen is oerfect, but one recent one was that she saw him kae some toast. He rinsed theknife off and put it in the dishwasher. She went and whispered to him that she was watching him, and she knows what he did. He was completely confused. She whispered that she was going to tell on him for not using soap on the knife when he rinsed it off. Really?? Is is a teen age boy who rinsed off a dish and put it in the dishwasher. I am thrilled. I do think she somehow thinks she is making herself move up a notch on the totem pole if she can make him move down. Very wierd.

To Wits End..my mother uses the word "quirky" to describe herself, like thats a good thing or something, like the rest of the world is off balance and if they knew the real truth, they would all march to her beat, I guess. Like shes enlightened or something, Once, I actually had my two kids in the car, 11 and 14 at the time and her, and they were all yelling and acting out in the car..i was so stressed I felt I was having a heart attack, I just drove myself to the ER, turned out to be indigestion from all the upset in the car fortunately. I constantly remind her who is the adult. She acted more like a jealous child than a grandmother. And she was more of a jealous sister than a mom!

For all of you with a mother or father and are experiencing these type of behavior, like ours, you can also contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I had to do this with my mother and they were not only a great help, but were able to connect me with wonderful resources. Every state has one, find yours. But whatever you do; GET THAT PERSON OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!

It is extremely difficult to tend to a loved one, mean or not. I feel alot of people are unaware of what it entales, but the truth is, the ones we are closest too are often the most difficult to take care of. I have been a care giver for over 20 years, and it is OKAY to place your Mom in a setting such as an Assisted Living Community (they do have for Medicaid also) or if needed a Nursing Facility. I would contact your local Elder Service Office and request a "Goold" Assessment. It is an unbiased evaluation by an RN to determine the level of care your MOm may need and would qualify for if Medicaid services are needed. I would be present when this happened so answers are given appropriately to the person doing the evaluation... Keep in mind settings like those mentioned often offer companionship, and can meet one's healthcare needs when necessary.
Good Luck!

Bless ya'll for your inputs. It's good to know that I'm not alone. It wasn't until a few years ago that "boundary-setting counselors" seemed to acknowledge issues with a parent. There were counselors for problems w/ spouses and children, even issues w/ bosses, but not parents. How odd it was to have society think that a child should be "dutiful and grateful." We were of a generation of "honor one's parents" -- no matter what.
About 5 years ago I was referred to a counselor who specialized in helping persons cope with a BPD person (borderline personality disorder). One of the things I learned in sessions and from books referred to me was that Borderlines often start up an argument because the high stress of it is stimulating and soothing to them; the more the other person reacts the happier the BPD person feels. This goes beyond being bored and seeking attention, believe me. Knowing this and piecing together some things mentioned to me by family members made it make a lot of sense. Take a look at the book "Stop walking on eggshells." This may make some sense of the "meanness."

elderly -since your mother has been like this all her life, even if she has a UTI or such, treatment of it will not result in her becoming "normal". You have way too much to cope with. My view, as some others, is that your first responsibility is to your husband and kids. It sounds like they need some attention - the right kind like setting boundaries. In my experience with my narcissistic borderline personality mother, setting boundaries works for a whle till she finds a new area to misbehave in, and continually setting, resetting, and inventing new boundaries is exhausting, and does nothing but focus all my attention on her which is what she wanted in the first place and what is unhealthy for me and everyone in my life. Long sentence, let me catch my breath. Accordingly it seems to me that your solution lies in getting her out of your home and into appropriate care -whether she likes it or not, and she won't because she wants to exert control over you and yours, In my experience teens can be very hard work, especially if they vhave ADHD. They well may have additional anxiety because of the environment. I think you owe it to yourself and to your family, to improve your home, and to use your energy helping those kids of yours. They have a lifetime ahead of them; and need all the help you can give them. Why in earth let once mean old woman destroy your lives? My mother is like than and I stay as far away from her as I can. Start making enquiries about ALF's/NHs in the area, check out the financial resources needed -medicaid if necessary. Your kids need to see that you are not a doomat, and your dh needs to pitch in. You have a chance to accomplish this if your mum is out of your home and cared for by someone else. I know it is not easy to change these dynamics, but for everyone's mental health, and your physical health, I believe it is necessary, - and it can be done! Good luck and let us know how you are doing (((((((Hugs)))))) and love Joan

ElderlyandADHD- people initially do not believe the stuff my MIL says and does. You cannot make up this stuff. MIL must have her own silverware, dishes, and cup that no one is allowed to use. She hand washes them and leaves them on the counter. She will throw away our food, but will keep something she bought until it is overcome with mold. We have started cleaning the fridge out after she goes to bed. I would almost swear she has forgotten whose house it is. One day I came in late from work, and she told me to help myself to anything I wanted for dinner. OK. She was so distressed to learn we have 2 weeks off for holidays and kids off from school, she offered to pay for us to leave our own house. That is messed up. She also calls herself "different". I have some other words I could use!

Your husband is lucky. At least he gets to get away from the madness for 3 days. Still, exactly what does he do to help you when he's home besides conking out right next to you? It's his home too, and he could help set up boundaries with your Mom and rules with those teenagers who I'm sure use their condition to act up any way they want.

Before you snap and do something regrettable, forget about Mom's age and make it clear her abusive behavior won't be tolerated any longer. If she tries emotional blackmail, tell her to get off the Cross. ... Someone else needs the wood.

Thank God for this blog..I feel so much better sharing my frustrations and knowing I am not alone..they sure were stampin out doozies in the roaring 20's..too much bathtub gin, we probably have a bunch of fetal alcohol babies for moms and we just dont know it..lol

Yes, my mother has been and always will be the master manipulator. If you have to take your animal to the vet and the animal is sick, she resents it and says my dogs sick too..(which he was not) she wears me out, makes me tired, dizzy, and is a psychic vampire. My dad had to die to get away from her I think. If I did not see his body when he died I would think maybe he just ran away. He was with her for almost 50 years. I cannot imagine living with her day to day and having to deal with her OCD and endless demands because of her obsessive compulsive disorder. Like I hate myself, but wind up screaming because of it. This morning for example, she opened another milk with another one in the fridge half empty because "she doesnt know who drank out of the carton"...I lost it..and said" Nobody drinks straight out of the gallon of milk, I just made myself an instant breakfast out of it..now drink the damn opened MILK! It seems that two years ago, my son drank the last inch out of a milk carton before he threw it away..she saw it and obsesses over people drinking out of containers...its enough to make you clinically insane! And that is the tip of the iceberg, we cant leave a circumference around the house as "I might have to go to the bathroom and I cannot use a public toliet"...and if she has to go and cannot make it home, she just SH%^#s herself! She is worse than living with Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory! Now this is nothing new, she has been this way forever..FOREVER..she calls herself "quirky" I call it crazy...I am not at all like her, dont look like her etc..I am starting to think of a DNA test, as there was another baby named the same according to her in her room when I was born and it would not surprise me that I was the prettier baby or hers was defective and she stole me! This was back in the 50's where you probably could have gotten away with it...lol

She is the most finicky, pernickety person I have ever met in my life!

It is nice if your parent is able to thank you for your helping them but it isn't
first and foremost on their minds as they struggle with the aging process and
various disabling conditions. My father did thank me but it was not the rule rather the exception. I knew he appreciated my taking care of him. We were close and able to finish each others sentences. As caregivers, you know when they are happy in their home and with you. Don't get hung up on the small things. See the big picture, the love between you and your elderly parent.

onlyoneholly you reminded me of a lesson I learned very late.

Yes, ask for what you want. It may take you some time to think of what you want, but ask for it, because if you don't, you won't get it.

I spent years driving 45 minutes back and forth to mom's, then 45 minutes in the other direction back and forth to all her doctors. No gas money, no recognition for the wear and tear on my life, my car, my family...

Then someone said ask for what you want. So, very slowly ... I did. Not much, but I asked for gas money once in a while. It was really nice to get a full tank of gas sometimes when we went somewhere. Also, I needed boots that were water proof. When I got them, mom gave me the $50 for the warm water proof boots. It's not much, but she NEVER would have given anything, if I didn't tell her what I needed.

Later, she started telling me to tell her what I needed and I kept resisting, thinking she should give what SHE thinks I deserve, or what SHE wants to give, but she had no ideas herself. The only things she ever gave me where things I asked for.

Mostly, I asked her to ... Just say Thank You! That's all I wanted... Just recognize that I took time out of my day and acknowledge that I did a nice thing. That took a long time for her to do, but she did... she recognized and thanked me a lot the last few months she was here....

and I appreciate her so much for just saying thank you.

I had to ask for it, tho...

Janeirene, when your mil "informed" you that she wants you to go to the dr. appt -- did you ask "why?" This is an attention-getter and manipulation technique. My mother has been playing the "this may be my last holiday" scenario for years. She is almost 90 and keeps coming back like the energizer bunny. I wonder sometimes, how much longer am I going to be around? I'm only in my 50's and feel so very worn out. We do not know these things -- it's in God's hands. It's not fair for an older person, especially one who is mean, to play the "last holiday" scenario year after year. If you have a job that you will be losing wages from by taking the time off, then inform your mil of this and request a "fair reimbursement" for your time off. Oh, and unless you really like going to restaurants, don't let the "take me to lunch" be the payback. I got snookered into the same thing for years. I had to pay for gas and child care to be "repaid" by a salad or something "out" because she was wanting to go out. I really needed at least the cash for my time, just like she would've paid the hired caregiver, but she appeared "appalled" at the suggestion and never did directly answer my request. Now, my visits are limited and work around my schedule. Good luck, have faith and be strong for yourself.

ElderlyandADHD, the sad reality sounds like your mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder like borderline or narcissism and she is not going to change. Know that you did not make her that way. You can't control her. Nor can you fix her. All you can really do is to put yourself and your family on a healthy path despite what she choses to do or not to do. Boundaires are needed and I'd begin with I'm not having you poison my life and my families life and so go somewhere else to live or we will find somewhere else for you to live. I can understand your teenagers anger. How does your husband feel about all of this?

It's funny.... as I read these, and think if my own dear, sweet mom who could be super snippy at times and insisted that she wanted me to take her to have her pace maker checked and passed away recently...

Don't the scientists and doctors tell us that surrounding yourself with a community of loving friends and family will lead to a long life? Don't they say living naturally, off the land, growing and making your own food, for and with your family will help you live a long, long time? Living to 89 and 95 warehoused with other old, ill, sometimes unhappy people while being grumpy is pretty outstanding! I'm scientifically impressed by your in-laws who are defying science, by pushing their loved ones away and yet going strong.

Who are we to believe??? I for one am still going to try to be loving to my family and friends. It's a stumper sometimes!

My mother-in-law called me yesterday and informed me that I will be taking her to her heart doctor appointment. I told her that the Nursing Home will handle that....she said no...you take me. And then I want to go to lunch...this is the only Christmas I will have. I want you to hear what the doctor will say. She has a pacemaker, and the last time we went to the doctor he told her she will need a new battery soon. She thought about it, and decided against the battery. Now, all of a sudden, she wants the battery...but hope that she wakes up dead. Give me a break....my in-laws just seem to be living forever!! They are both in the same nursing home, different rooms...as they cannot be around each other due to arguments, cursing each other and whatever! She will be 89 in February and he will be 95 in January. The more I think about my parents and how they each died in their own home 4 years apart....although I miss them terribly...I am so grateful they went that way. If they had lingered like my in-laws.....I would have probably resented them. But my parents were always sweet and kind, unlike these two. Ugh!!

Oh yes, a she just got her annual physical yesterday...................................lungs clear as a bell and healthy as a horse! Heart as sound as fiddle.
The women may outlive me!

NH, NH, NH. I honestly swear I think some people are just too mean to die! Between two grandmothers and my own mother; those mean streaks are glue holding them together! I know this sounds horrible, but I've already stated that my mother will go straight into a NH when it comes her time. She has no worldly possessions, spends her SS check faster than it can come in and lives in my fathers old home, so she has nothing to keep her from getting medicaid when her time comes.
She smokes like a chimney, she is bipolar with a borderline personality disorder (of the meanest kind), so she has super highs and super lows and when gets her money, it's daily to the scratch offs! I don't know if there are more ashes or scratch off debris in the floorboard.
I'm not alone with these feelings. Everyone from her family and mine know exactly how mean and nasty she is. She showers her son (no I divorced him from my life forever ago) with sweet nothings and he takes all he can get. He got the same gene pool! I just thank goodness he's half a country away.
I may sound mean and nasty myself, but trust me, it took quite a bit of therapy to come to terms with these two individuals.
Look at it like this, if you didn't like them visiting or never cared for them in the first place; you certainly don't want them living with you, because a tiger never loses it's stripes.
There is nothing in the law that say "YOU" must be the one to care for them.
PS I was an advocate for individuals with special needs before I retired. There are places for people like this. Some are sick, some are just down right mean, but that doesn't mean you have to bear the burden.

Until now I could not imagine anyone having a mother more mean than my 80 yr old mother who is mad at the world because she is old. She was independent until a year ago when she was crossing the streets of DC and was struck by a car. After a broken femur and crushed bones in her leg, it is only the grace of God that this 130lb person is walking again. We live out of state and as the only child I decided it would be best for her to move in with us. Well, her favorite line is "I am the meddling mother-in-law" who is so mean to say such a thing. She is not happy unless there is an argument....she thinks everything said to her is an attack. Oh and the insults are continuous. I have literally stopped talking to her and my grown daughter who has moved back to help.....deals with her. She fights my daughter also......and will go head to head with her on anything. I dread going downstairs and avoid looking at her at all costs. I have to get her out of our house! She only wants to go to a "nice" nursing home, and I feel obligated to comply with her requests. Her monthly checks will not cover all of the costs of a home ....we are moving toward an assisted living center again but we fear that she will go into the streets and get hit by a car again. They have free reign in the assisted centers. No one can understand the hell that the caretaker endures with these situations unless they have gone through it. I do not have a support system outside the home because people that I talk to say they have never had to deal with this issue and that their parents are not meant like that. I feel isolated and I am so ashamed of everything. My husband hates her now and he gets so angry and how she continues to do stupid things to upset everyone. We have no life with her here ...I am not even 50 yet and I feel so run down and tired. No one visits our home anymore and the one thing I love to do around the holidays ......I have to forego this year because of her presence. I love to bake but cannot and will not with her around. She lives in the downstairs area and the kitchen is on that floor, her energy is so negative that it leaves me drained. I never wanted to feel this way about her, and only wanted her to live her remaining years happy and peaceful.
I have finally gotten to the point-as Elizabeth stated in her post-of understanding that she is no longer and cannot be priority one. I have to place my daughter and my husband as top priority.
The one thing that has stood out for me through this entire process is the alienation of other family members and friends. It appears no one wants to hear about this type of thing or let alone be around it. Just sad-----

ALF, Memory Care, or Nursing home. She might threaten to burn the place down like my mom did, but if you hold firm and have the staff on your side, it can work. Now mom has settled down, plus with the help of hospice (she has a chronic heart condition that qualifies for long term hospice) her blood pressure is under control and other meds make her more manageable. She still tries to manipulate me, but it's easier for my DH to support me with her out of the house and not interfering in daily life.

I am so grateful for all your comments. After a lifetime of verbal abuse, I just can't stand another minute of my mother. Fortunately, I have wise, supportive friends who have encouraged my decision to remove my self from any responsibility for her care. I especially loved the line "don't kill the healthy chicken to make soup for the sick one" - I can't wait to share that with my sister.

I agree with all of the above. From experience I think you should get her out of your house. There are lovely facilities that have people with experience with handling people like your mother. You might feel guilty for a while so just go visit her once a week and eventually she will actually adjust to where she is. although, beware, that even there she will complain about you to everyone and try to manipulate you until you make it clear that you will not visit her if she behaves that way. As for the teenagers I would ask them to visit her occasionally (be with them) but not too often. They need to know why she is there and that you are taking care of her as best you can. Set an example for them as how to treat older adults for you will be old someday too! The kids are your priority right now as the teenage years may determine who they will be in the future. Make them come first , you com second and your mom last in priority. You need to feel that you are doing the right thing for everyone (including yourself)------Life is not easy---so do the best you can and don't look back!

I think sometimes that our moms get mean because that is their only power. They are afraid and they have forgotten that they can catch more flies with honey.

Stay nice yourself. Try not every to match her with ugliness. It solves nothing and you will feel terrible. Then try to talk with her. If she gets ugly, walk away and try to talk with her another day. She may not realize what she is doing. She may not know that there are other ways to get the things she wants and needs.

She will likely pass away before you do and when it's all over, you will be comforted to know you remained kind.

Hopefully, she will listen to your calm conversation and she will try to be better. Don't give up on yourself. You have to take care of yourself and your family, first... in order to be able to help her at all. I hope you can find ways to enjoy your life!

EderleyandADHD. You surely have alot to deal with. When I was young ADHD was called hyper. But whatever they call it now, don't them be defined by this. These children can be productive in society.Teenagers is another matter good luck.lol....Good old Mom, well I know you feel like u are doing the right thing by taking care of her,It's destroying your family life. You need a break or u are going to break. Sometimes enough is enough. You aren't failing if u put her in a home. You wil be doing the right thing. My husband and I left my MIL house where we were taking care of her. My husband was not getting along with his Mom arguing alot and I was always in the middle.MIL is manipulating She put herself in a wheel chair and will not walk. The PT said she is plenty stong enough to walk on walker. She refuses because she wants everyone to feel sorry for her. She has been dying now for 15 or 20 years now. Get your sanity back so you can spend time with your family. Mommie dearest needs to go. Good Luck.....

When your Mother goes into the hospital next time (trust me there will be a next time) you have to be strong and not take her home. Once she is admitted to a hospital they are responsible for finding placement. Of course they will pressure you to take her home and even try guilt!! Just be a broken record - "I am no longer able to take care of my Mother in my home because it is not safe." You do not owe the social worker or the hospital any more information. Just tell them to do their job, find her placement because under NO circumstances will she be returning to your home. God bless

My dad vented his anger at me for a year and a half after my mom died. He said mean things to me and was never grateful for all the things I did for him. He bad-mouthed me to my siblings, and convinced them I was treating him badly. I talked about my situation to a really nice friend who is a counsellor and she told me I was being abused and that I needed to withdraw. My problem was that I couldn't deal with the guilt and shame of leaving him on his own. So I decided to stop talking to him or at least say as little as possible. I guess you can call it the silent treatment. At first he was angry that I wasn't responding to what he had to say. I continued to care for him, but more like he was a stranger than my dad. I was very polite but did not take anything he said to me to heart. My dad complained that I was cold and unfriendly to my siblings and they called to ask me what was wrong with me. My husband and daughter also find my silence around my dad a bit strange as I am usually kind of chatty. But they see how less upset I am now even if things are kind of awkwardly silent around the house sometimes. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but it is the only thing that is keeping me from going insane. It's been going on for about three months now and he has calmed down a lot. I just don't know how long it will last.